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Today is my 46th birthday. When I left the house I found a gift bag at my door with a card. It was from him, my narcissistic sociopathic ex boyfriend. A thoughtful birthday card with a note from him that says, “Always on my mind.” The gift was a box of dark chocolate covered pretzels and a Starbucks gift card. WTF?? I haven’t heard from him in 3 months since I found out he got married, and I confronted him. And never heard back! We were together for 8 years! I’ve been no contact, and now he’s reached out to me! Why did he remember my birthday?? What does this mean???
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Resillient – he is testing the waters to see if you are open to manipulation again. So what if he is married – he still wants to exert control over you. DO NOT RESPOND. Throw everything away.
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Wow, he gets married with out you even knowing about it, then leaves you a birthday present with a misleading message. Sounds like a troll trying to stir up the pot. I would do what Donna says, and don’t even respond at all.
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Resilient85, Remember he is a CON ARTIST!! He is still playing a con game with you emotionally. Like donna states he is “testing the waters”. Sociopath get bored. He is now possibly bored with his wife & is fishing for someone to put more excitement into his life. He wants possibly to have his wife & a mistress(s) on the side to see if he can get away with both woman in his life.
BEWARE & FOLLOW THE NO CONTACT RULE.
Look into a home security system including a camera system for your home (incase he returns). If he shows up at your home while you are home DO NOT open the door instead call the police & let them make a report on this married man. Document everything. If you notice something strange in your yard or home & your gut is screaming that he has say rearranged your outdoor furniture (i.e. playing gas lighting abuse game) follow your gut & call the police!!
(Home depot & lowes US hardware stores have home security systems starting at $15 per door or window & whole systems for around $200. This is just an alarm. If you want you can also look into the cost of having a home security company monitor your home & if the alarm goes off they will then call the home and then the police.
Start re-reading everything here & watching the videos up at the top to open you mind again as to who he is = sociopath = dangerous. Re-read post on the “No contact rule”.
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resilient as we say about psychopaths, this guy is pure evil. he wants to continue to exploit you. you are a sweet relationship oriented capricorn and he will use it against you. be tough or you may be sucked back in by this guy. as donna says, throw it away and happy birthday.
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Don’t let him back.
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That’s so creepy, when they leave presents on your doorstep.
I second what all the others have said here: IGNORE him and don’t respond to him. And don’t eat the pretzels either. I would also burn the card that says “Always on my mind.” Puke. Or just throw all of them out.
When someone marries someone else without telling you, then leaves a present on your doorstep, there’s definitely something wrong. He’s definitely up to no good. Either he wants to jerk you around again, or he wants to harm you in a worse way, or both.
Ick.
Hope you had a great birthday anyway.
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Wow! “Always on my mind” is something my ex always said to me, in cards, and texts. Creepy!
My ex got married on Dec 1st. He reached out to me within 2 weeks. He texted me that he wanted to meet me for lunch and how much he missed me. He said he only got married to get over me. I couldn’t help but wonder how many others he is texting the same thing.
Part of me found comfort in knowing that he missed me. I hate that after all he has done and that I have let him do!
We’d been together for 8 years, off and on I guess. Every time I did something he didn’t like, he’d go off and have “revenge sex” to get back at me. He’d come back crying and I’d let him come back.
I still have a hard time believing there are people like this that exist in the world. -
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Resillient85 – Distract yourself. Pick up No Contact again – many people have relapses, so you’re not alone. But pick it up again.
Then find things to do to distract yourself, especially activities that involve other people. Join an organization, take classes, get a dog and go for dog training classes, get involved in a charity – find something to take your mind off of him.
And if you’re home alone and tempted to call him – read Lovefraud. Go into the archives and read all the stories about other people’s experiences, and note how they are just like yours.
This guy is now MARRIED! And he still wants you???? So now you would be the other woman??? First of all, he is a slimeball. And secondly, you deserve far better.
Pick up No Contact again.
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Total power play. And whenever food is concerned, I wouldn’t totally rule out that the food is poisoned.
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Sociopaths are great magicians. They trick you into thinking you are special, that they want you SO much that even after they discard you, marry someone else, or cheat with 20 other people, they STILL want you. It’s designed to make you feel special, and that’s how they hook you. Really, it’s a power play. They want to have control over you. Just like Donna said, he is testing the waters. Don’t fall for it.
I recently encountered a sociopathic contractor who was working on my rental home. Even after he scammed me, he was still trying to make me feel special. “I’ll bet none of the other contractors apologized to you. At least I apologized. I really did like you. Blah blah blah” (He scammed me out of about $800). They are ALL like this. It’s just amazing how they can play on your emotions and get you to feel like there was some sort of connection.
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If you still love him, you will keep seeing him. You have to hit bottom, where the pain of being with a married man is enough for you to stop. Good luck.
I recently became involved with a guy who seemed great at first but became abusive so it is over- no contact for me.
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Resillient85, it’s ok that you broke the no contact rule.?
DAY 1 STARTS NOW!! ?
After I finally escaped my husband (now ex thank goodness), I was watching a Dr Phil show where he was taking with a wife who had been cheated on, the long term mistress & husband. Dr Phil stated that the likelihood of him leaving his wife for the mistress was slim and that the likelihood (if he did leave his wife) of their relationship working out (mistress & the husband) was very slim to none.
I research this after the show. I found these statistics:
87% of married men that are caught cheating on their wives, want to stay with the WIFE & not the mistress. 87%!!
My divorce lawyer made the comment that “most women are the ones to file for divorce”. So I research this too:
83% of divorces filed in the US are filed by the wife!!! So if you think he is going to divorce his wife, that to is slim. Not as long as she is in the dark about his cheating & getting what ever he wants from her i.e. a place to live, sex, money, family etc
Let those stats sink in for a moment. The fact is this guy is sucking everyone it to his con game, His wife most likely has zero idea that you even exist. He is able to control his wife & now possibly control you. This is what he wants!
What do sociopaths & abusers want most??
POWER & CONTROL OVER EVERYONE!!!As a “wife”, my ex was sweet talking (love bombing) me during our marriage while at the same type mentally & emotionally (sometimes physically) abusing me. Just like this guy has done to you & most likely his now wife.
But with his sweet talking words I stayed (sadly). Just like you are being sweet talked (love bombed) back into a relationship with him now that he is married. I had suspecting that my ex was cheating on me when we were just dating but with no prof that he was I stayed. Even thought my gut was screaming he was cheating. When I thought he cheated before our wedding & I wanted to call of the wedding he manipulated me. Throughout my marriage he cheated. After 5 years he controlled my mind fully & broke me down emotionally & mentally that I felt stuck in the marriage. This is what they do to the wife & mistress.
When I caught my ex in a two year affair, I had my suspicions but no proof, I was leaving him. I was done with his craziness, manipulation, con game!! Everything. He literally begged me on his hands & knees sobbing to stay. That he would “Do everything I demanded to change his ways”. It was ALL a con game!!! Every word!! He did nothing that I required of him. But he then turned pure pure evil & continued to emotional & mentally break me down. I was a former shell of myself by then. I did not tell anyone because he told me not to share info about our relationship to anyone. I was a robot & he programmed me. And as my counselor told me I was in survival mode to stay alive.
His wife right now is enduring all the craziness & More at the hands of this evil man just like you are. She is living a roller coaster hell of a ride every second of the day…just like you do when you are with him!!
HE will do this same behavior & abuse to ANY woman that he can have power & control over!!! This is your future?? Do you really want this crazy manipulative evil man in your life again??
When I finally escaped LITERALLY. I found out that my then husband had 3 mistress in 2 different states!!! Maybe 5..not sure about the other 2.
Do you think these other women knew about each other? NOT A CHANCE!!
Did they know about me? one did the other 2 no.
This ex of yours is likely to also have many many others victims on the hook.
I told my counselor that I thought that my ex cheated on my 8 to 12 times (now that my mind was free from his brain washing & was educating my self on his disorder).
The counsel told me it was more likely 3 to 4 times that amount as sociopaths are SERIAL CHEATERS.
Right now this guy is fishing for excitement. HE will fish for anyone one to meet his needs. These types will even sleep with same sex & hookers. They dont care. They want excitement as they get bored easily. They dont care if they get STD’s they will just pass them onto others as part of the fun. They are SICK MINDED individuals.
When you were a little girl did you say when I grow up I want to date a mental deranged sick individual?
NO!!! SO why are you settling now for a mentally deranged sick individual now.
The original term for sociopath & Psychopath was MORALLY INSANE. That’s what you are settling for! A MORALLY INSANE individual.
You were dating a Morally Insane man!!!!
It’s time to open your mind up from the emotional abuse!!
How can you do this?
GO to the home page here at Lovefraud and scroll down to the YELLOW BOX. And read everything. IF you can contact Donna Anderson (LF site creator) to talk to her. She charges a small fee for this service. But no doubt it will help you! Also Mary Ann Glenn (do a search on her name up at the top of LF) does free group counseling sessions over the net. I believe she will be conducting one this week??? Not sure look it up!
One of the best things I did was go to my local abuse center after I escaped my husband. They had free counseling where I spoke with a counselor who had also left a abusive relationship. This helped to finally connect with someone who understood what I endured. At her recommendation I attended the free women group meeting. THIS WAS INCREDIBLE because each women told their story. Out of 40 women about 30 of them had the same type story I did. IT was EYE OPENING to say the least that YES!! I WAS BEING ABUSED!!
I was being emotionally, mentally, financially, verbal abused & some times physically abused.
I always thought that domestic abuse was physical abuse only. I was wrong! The bulk of abuse is emotional, mental, financial & verbal abuse!!!
Start researching what is emotional & mental abuse.
Read up on this!!
Wishing you all the best!! So glad that you came here to Lovefraud to post again!! This is a huge step in healing. Before you call him or see him. Come here & VENT this might just help you to not call him.
HUGS to you!!! ?
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Here is an article from the net on the Emotional side of NO contact rule. Donna has also written endless number of excellent articles on this subject also.
“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
breaking free of chains No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And…there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good.
Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Don’t allow the narcissist access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ‘no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator. See my article “When No Contact Can’t Work” for more info.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, social media, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he or she is the same person as always. Even if change was possible, your trust in the narcissist has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.
If you need help sticking to No Contact, consider getting counseling or joining a support forum.”
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Last thing:
look at the site Psychopathyawareness. wordpress. com
On the right top column read the article 9 1/2 Weeks. I believe this is why your ex wrote “always on my mind”. It’s to control your thinking & always think about him. These sociopath know how to mind control individuals.
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Resilient,
What everyone is telling you is 100% correct. He is not loving you, missing you, and hoping to reunite. He is simply playing with you, getting you to do something that is bad for you, and loving that he can get you to do it. PERIOD.
The only thing that could come of you reconnecting with him is that you will experience abuse and pain. He will have fun. That is a terrible equation. A truly zero sum game.
Please let him go, and stop yourself from being taken advantage of. Only YOU can stop this. It is the ultimate test of how much you care for yourself, your future, and your sanity.
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When I left the house I found a gift bag at my door with a card. It was from him, my narcissistic sociopathic ex boyfriend.
Regards
ALex
Now i’m working a big Preemie Clothes company
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