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Hello, my name is Drew, I am a 31 year old male. I have recently ended a 10 year relationship. I was feeling a lot of self hatred, anxiety, guilt & I became suicidal. Although it felt like a mutual ending to me as my partner said she wasn’t happy. I had done some research into Narcissism whilst in the relationship & that gave me the strength to end the relationship. I have since read a lot & watched a lot of youtube videos on Narcissism but I am unsure if I am a Narcissist, my partner is, we both are or neither of us are & I am looking for something to blame rather than be with the pain of the end of the relationship. I feel uncomfortable when reading about Narcissism because I am so scared I have it & I just don’t know about it so my whole experience of life could be me in denial & I am actually trying to hurt people. When thinking about the techniques used like gaslighting etc. my mind is really foggy & I can’t seem to concentrate on specific memories, all I can think is that I have been using gaslighting because that is what I have been told by my ex (not used the term gaslighing but saying I am turning her words against her or confusing her but that is how I feel when we have an argument, so I end up feeling very guilty & confused)
I left once before but it didn’t last long, maybe a week before I went back & I was told I can’t do that again. We had many conversations because the relationship wasn’t going well & after everyone of them I was apologizing for not being there for her or good enough, I was told that I am depressed (Iwent on medication for this) I was told that I was extremely ill & cruel, I would then really try to be better & it would last for a while until it would eventually end with me doing something wrong or not being there for my partner. So many things have happened in the relationship, I know I can be hard to live with but i don’t mean to hurt her, so it is hard to hear that I am hurting someone when i really have not meant to. This scares me because if i am just going about my life & I am hurting people without meaning to then how do i change that? How do I become someone who is aware they are doing that? I don’t think I have done anything horrendous but from her point of view I could have done, don’t get me wrong I have acted in stupid ways & said stupid things but I didn’t have an agenda to hurt her.
We went to couples therapy for 12 sessions I think, after the first session I was feeling good as I had expressed some feelings, I admit I had done a lot of the talking & I was aware of that, when we came out my partner said to me ‘you have to let me talk as well, it’s not all about you’ I felt deflated & guilty. After the sessions the therapist said she could not help us anymore & that I needed to marry my partner because otherwise it would end & I would lose eveything & that the reason I was not getting married was because I wanted to control her. This hurt me really badly as it confirmed everything my partner was telling me, however it was not how I felt & was not my experience so I started to believe my partner even more. I really struggle to remember how I felt in arguments or discussions & just have my partners words or mental images going round in my head. I believed everything she ever said about anything & never had a bad word to say against her, I know she has told people about my behavior & I think made me out to be worse than I am, friends would ask me questions after speaking to her that were so surprising to me & completely against my experience.
Anyway we have been apart for about 3.5 months now, it started off ok but I have done some really crazy things that just confirm that I am unhinged, she has even spoken to my parents & brother about it, I feel I have nowhere to turn because what i say about whats going on seems crazy & she is acting like an adult.
I am really in a bad way, sorry for the extremely long post, there is so much more & i don’t think I have made much sense. I am really scared i am mentally ill & don’t really know it. Any suggestions would be very helpful.
Thank you
Drew -
Narcissism is a diagnostic finding: “The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include: grandiose sense of importance, preoccupation with unlimited success, belief that one is special and unique, exploitative of others, lack of empathy, arrogance, and jealousy of others.” Whether you are or not is up to a psychiatrist. If you can find one that specializes in these behaviors, might be worth it to go, just for some peace of mind. However, from a layman’s point of view, what you are describing sounds more like she had those traits — your obvious befuddlement, emotional pain and confusion over what really happened sounds like you have been conditioned to believe her every word and totally doubt your own reality. You don’t seem to fit the above description – obviously you have some empathy because you seem to care deeply about hurting another; you don’t come off sounding grandiose — you admit you might have been at fault; I don’t read arrogance in your words – I read confusion and pain.
I hope you can get some answers, if not from this site, then from a trained professional. I think you will be surprised at what you discover – and I hope you can heal, find clarity and discover a better future.
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Drew, reading your post, I think you need to consult an adrenal gland doctor (in the US their called Endocrinologist doctor) to test you for cortisol levels (fight, flight or freeze response mode). You are under stress now from the break up & trying to figure out your life. Your body is releasing high levels of cortisol because of your break up (this is NORMAL after a break up) and it might be also throwing off other hormones. These hormonal changes including high levels of cortisol hormone maybe the culprit of your behavior and the things that you are doing that are not healthy. Also age factors into normal hormonal changes even in men.
Get tested for: Cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance, thyroid issues, vitamin & mineral deficiency, full blood work etc.
All of these can cause issues with thinking and behavior (aka actions).
Look up adrenal symptoms on Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org. Also google: “Super Juice me documentary you tube” and “Sick, fat, and nearly dead documentary. Both are powerful and FREE on you tube documentaries that will educate you on how to get your body & mind working properly again (but, obviously check with a doctor first before changing your diet especially if you are on Rx etc).
Sometimes it’s not all in our heads. Sometimes the body’s chemistry is off due to stress, to everyday working, drinking alcohol, using drugs Rx or illegal, to much sugar, to not enough sleep, poor diet, not enough rest & relaxation. Dr Wilson (author of Adrenal fatigue the 21th century issue (not sure of the name but something like that) states in his book that he believes every adult will suffer from Adrenal fatigue once in their life.
Some symptoms of adrenal fatigue (look up symptoms long list on those sites & the net) here is the short list:
racing mind
mood swings
sleep issues
anxiety
depression
memory issuesGoogle also: “Dr Amen PBS you tube” and “Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube” both have many NY Times best seller books that your local library may have even though they are US doctors they are knows world wide. Dr Men’s site is Amen Clinic. com.
I’m not sure by your post if you suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. But, I think you are suffering from Adrenal fatigue or some other medical issue which could be causing you to act out and feel like you do not have mental clarity etc.
Wishing you all the best.
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Google: “Dr Amen depression you tube”. (also)
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You’re welcome. My advise is get your body health in order & this will help your mindset. From there you can figure out the rest of your post with the help of a counselor.
Happy New Years…a few more hours for you in England!! New Year to make healthy changes in your life!! ????
Take care.
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Drew, it would be impossible for us to diagnose you based on your post, even if we were psychiatrists. But the fact that you are even asking shows me that you have the ability to introspect. Disordered people don’t do that. They just act out. Severe post-traumatic stress can sometimes be mistaken for a personality disorder, so I’d be very leery of labels at this point in your recovery. It is normal after a 10 year relationship to feel guilt, self doubt, suicidal thoughts, emptiness, deep depression, and despair. It is part of the process, and you just have to go through it, painful as it is. It helps to have someone to talk to who will not judge you. And as Jan says, make sure you take care of yourself. If your relationship was toxic and stressful, the self care is especially important, especially the organ balancing, as Jan mentions. Acupuncture is great for this. And supplements/vitamins might be helpful, too. Sorry for what you are going through.
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Drew – I doubt you are a narcissist, because real narcissists don’t worry about being narcissists. Real narcissists don’t care about what anyone else wants or feels. That doesn’t sound like you.
However, it does sound like you could use some counseling. If you feel like you’re not getting support from the therapist you are seeing, try another one.
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Drew, you are not a narcissist. A narcissist would never even conceive of the idea of being anything other than perfect. We all have narcissistic traits, and you may have many of them. But you are by no extent of the imagination, a narcissist. Your therapist should never ever give advice, much less getting married to solve a problem.
You need to dedicate yourself to save yourself of some problems that may carry from your childhood and some genetic predisposition to personality disorders. But you write as a normal person, and above all, want to get well. Your girlfriend does have more serious problems with insecurity and control. Youtube has good videos. Good Luck!
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