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Im only 2 days NC. Its been almost 6 years. Ive gone through so much i dont even know where to start. Ive found out about other women. I have been promised the world if i don’t leave. He downs me constantly. Ive been arrested 2 times for flipping out on him. He tried to kill me and i ended up in jail. Im currently sitting here with a black eye because i spoke when not spoken too
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Cindy – he is violent. Often violence gets worse. Are there domestic violence resources where you live?
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You can call the domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-7233.
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“Can’t” leave, Cindy? Oh yes you can, and what’s more, in a destructive situation like this you MUST leave! You can’t afford NOT to leave!
So what’s stopping you? Emotional ties? Lack of money, a job, a place to live, or other means of support? Personal property of your own that you can’t retrieve from him? Fear that he’ll pursue you and take revenge in some form? Or… promises of “the world”?
As for the last, you can scrub that! I hope you’ve learned by now that his “promises” are empty, always will be, and the only future you have with him is to go on being cheated on, exploited and abused in the same way you have been for the last six years.
Also since you’ve wisely started going NC, I take that to mean you’re not living with the guy, that you have your own place to live, hopefully some means of material support and the rest of it. So I’m guessing it’s not a matter of having to physically “extract” yourself from his clutches. If I’m wrong please let us know.
What does that leave? Fear of pursuit? If that’s a problem, you can apply for a restraining order if you think you need one. I’m sorry to say those things aren’t foolproof, as we all know, but they’re still better than nothing in keeping harassers at bay. Then of course, there’s all the emotional stuff that’s keeping you feeling “tied” to him.
Well, you can get help with all that. On this site of course you can get plenty of moral support. But as Donna said, there should be domestic abuse resources available in your area too, as well as telephone advice. I don’t suppose for one moment that you live in Timbuctoo or the Amazon jungle or some other primitive place where they never heard of these things. Assuming you’re probably in the USA, here’s the free National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
Give ’em a call. You’ve got nothing to lose, and everything to gain. If you’re in some other country, they’re almost certain to have one too. Wikipedia has a list of domestic violence hotlines> for some countries: Canada, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Japan, Taiwan, China, even Pakistan–I’m sure there’s plenty of need for one there, the way they treat women in Pakistan! Obviously their list is far from complete: it’s inconceivable that countries like France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Sweden and many others don’t have similar facilities, and there are hotlines too in developing countries from India to Latin America.
You DO need to get out of this, so good luck, and let us know how it’s going.
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Cindy,
I am four weeks into NC and I spoke with someone yesterday who is three months. You can do this!! No one deserves to be abused physically or emotionally. My ex I learned has been doing both to his kids, his second wife and even his dogs. Had I stayed on it would’ve be me next. I still have ups and downs and some days are harder than others but everyday away from him I feel like things are getting clearer and I’m getting a piece of myself back.
Do you have any friends or family you can go to that he doesn’t know? I volunteered for work for two months in another state, left and blocked him on everything and I’m staying with a girlfriend he doesn’t know. Not having him around or having to deal with his emails, texts and calls is helping me to get my mind straight as are the people on this site.
Rooting for you, you are worth it, he is not. Get safe and don’t go back. Sending you positive thoughts and strength.
Spooky
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I must apologize, Cindy, because when I wrote that previous post I hadn’t seen that you’d already contacted some resources for help. Good for you!
Anyway I’d like to add that while I was looking for these resources to see what was out there in the world, I came across an interesting site from India on domestic abuse. Among other things, the author had this to say:
YOU need to change before your situation changes
My biggest life lessons have come from the realisation that people treat you the way you ALLOW yourself to be treated and that your relationship with others is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.
One step of the cycle of abuse is the fantasy that the abuser will improve. Please understand this – THEY WON’T!
• Don’t live in the false hope that things will get better someday.
• Don’t look to other people to save you from your abuser.
• No one can help you if you’re not willing to help yourself.
• Only YOU can take action on your own behalf – legally and emotionally.
An abusive partner regularly reinforces the idea that you can’t escape, and that you can’t manage without them, because this is what they want you to believe, so they can keep control of you.
Take action now and get out of the situation, with the help of online counselling and a lawyer before you become another domestic violence statistic in India.
Overcome the habit of learned helplessness to achieve greater autonomy and break through the limitations or the beliefs implanted by family and society, that imprison you and keep you from choosing the freedom you deserve.
If you’re stuck with the false belief that you “can’t” get out of a situation, that smacks of “learned helplessness.” Defeatist attitudes are not necessarily just the consequence of an abusive relationship in adulthood. Often they’re taught from childhood on up, in neglectful or abusive families who condition children to adapt to and comply with their dysfunctional behavior patterns. Teaching of this kind can be deeply ingrained and debilitating. But it can be overcome. You DO have the power to change your life.
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Cindy – good for you for escaping this abuser. Stay strong! I fully understand your fear of him coming back into your life – if you have court dates, then he most definitely will. Don’t let that panic you. Don’t fret too much about his smear tactics. Your defense against that is facts and truth. Write down everything you need to say and take it to court with you. Imagine every accusation and lie and have a written rebuttal. If you have witnesses, bring them. His word is just one person’s. Bring along back up to refute his claims. Bury him in facts. If you have pictures or texts or emails, bring them. (I believe that is called a “preponderance of evidence”.) Practice in front of a mirror or with a willing and understanding partner. Playact the day in court until you are confidant you can handle it. Stay calm. Ignore his lies – don’t react. Show the court you ARE sane, controlled, prepared and afraid for yourself and your children. Emotional blackmail is tough and it is hard to stay calm – but physical threats are dangerous in the extreme. Once he has hit you, it WILL escalate. It will touch your children. They could be the next target. Get help from the domestic hotline and family services and definitely get a restraining order. Even if it doesn’t keep him away, it is proof to the court that you are truly afraid.
If you must, go into hiding. As time passes without contact your mind will clear and your inner mama bear will emerge. And keep reaching out here — every person on this forum has been through something similar. Their accumulated experience and wisdom WILL help. Stay Strong!
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Dear Cindy, you should be so PROUD of yourself for imposing the NO Conact Rule!! BRAVO. Pat yourself on the back hon…give yourself a high five. The No contact rule is not easy to impose but, it is the only way to have peace & calm in your life!! And YOU DID IT…day 4 now? Congrats!!
I’m so sorry that you have endure the hell of a sociopath. I have read so many victims post here & other support sites with the same story as yours…that their abuser turned the table on them & got them arrested. And the police were clueless that they were being lied to & manipulated by a very cunning sociopath. I’m so sorry again that this happened to you.
PLEASE KNOW THIS HE IS A MASTERFUL MANIPULATOR!!! He is pushing your buttons not only to control your mind but, also for fun. He is getting a thrill out of you getting arrested & not him getting arrest. He loves power & control over not only you, but, also the Police. He is not only manipulating your but, he is also manipulating the POLICE.
THIS GUY IS PURE EVIL!!!
Do you know Cindy that sociopaths literally brain wash & Mind control their victims?
Do you know Cindy that sociopaths literally use Gas lighting abuse (do a search here on love fraud) to push their victims over their emotional edge ON PURPOSE!! Scary!!
Do you know that sociopaths literally use Trance & Hypnosis to control their victims! Scary!!
This guy has a lot of mind games that he is using on you, the police and others.
AGAIN, HE IS VERY DANGEROUS TO YOUR MINDSET!! One of the primary reasons to stay away from him…even talking with him or reading his emails or texts are manipulating your mind!! And thinking!! Every time your read a text or email he is controlling your mind.
This is why it’s so very important to go No contract cold turkey & not have anything to do with him.
It is not easy to keep the No contact rule in place because they have trained us like an animal is trained to keep them in our lives…but, it can be done as long as you are extremely mindful. This means you must be very very conscience of your thoughts.
Remember the Sociopath can & will brain wash & mind control their victims. So this is were you must unravel their brain washing & Mind control. It takes time…but, you WILL get back towards your old thinking.
You WILL get to a point the more you educate yourself & related it to his behavior that you will never want him back in your life again. This does not happen over night. But, it will happened the more you read, read & read here at lovefraud. And Donna has many books at the top of Lovefraud that you can buy to educate yourself & heal.
You could not pay me $1 million dollars to go back to my ex. NEVER will I ever talk with I’m again. EVER. This mindset did not happen over night I went back to him over & over & over because he like this guy you are with…knew how to manipulate me back into his con game. HE used lots of “pity me manipulation” (do a search here on love fraud & the net for this term). But, I started to listen to my body..that every time I talked to him he pushed my buttons intentionally & literally stressed my body out & then my mind would not work clearly after talking with him. I just had enough with being stressed out. With Brain fog, with anxiety, depression etc. And just told myself he is destroying my body, mind & spirit. This was a light bulb moment. That he was destroying me intentionally.
This guy is doing the same to you…he is trying to destroy you. BUT, you are fighting back with imposing the NO CONTACT RULE!! You have taken your POWER BACK FROM HIM!!! BRAVO!!
View this evil guy as a Cult leader & you as a cult follower.
So, this is why you need to break your mind fully free so that you do not go back to him or even talk to him. Instead you SLAM the DOOR SHUT ON HIM FOR GOOD.
How do you do this…how to you open your mind fully & consciously?
Look at old photo albums & feel what you felt when that photo was taken, talk with your family about old memories, talk with friends too. Go to old spots that you have been to…say a park, if you played sports in high school go there and walk on the field (with a friend not a lone & after school hours not during school). If you had hobbies that you put aside during the relationship with this evil guy…pick them back up.
Or if you always wanted to do a new hobby or sport…then focus on learning that new skill or that sports activity. Maybe if you wanted to learn to sew or play the guitar or go to a beach or mountain near you (with a friend not alone). Do these things!! Switch your focus away from thinking about him.
ALso, a very importantly…you are most likely suffering from PTSD with all the chaos, drama & stress this sociopath has put you under since day one. PTSD is extremely common with victims of sociopaths!!! KNOW this!! I believe one of the biggest issues with PTSD is adrenal fatigue (look this up!!) This can be healed & you will calm your mind down.
I suffered from this & thank goodness I found a counselor after escaping my ex h (a sociopath) & she told me that I was suffering from PTSD. I knew I was stressed from years of emotional, mental & verbal abuse from my ex h (then husband). I was lucky enough to find a good Endocrinologist doctor (they deal with the adrenal glands) who helped my body calm down from the stress I had been under for years & years with vitamins, minerals, hormonal NOT man made but NATURAL progesterone pills, a good clean diet, sleep & rest etc. LOTS OF SELF CARE!! Hot epson salt baths (full of magnesium) to calm your body down. Look up benefits of magnesium salt baths…but if you are on meds then check with a doctor first.
Look into the long list of ADRENAL FATIGUE SYMPTOMS on the net & these two sites Dr Lam. com & Adrenal fatigue. org (this second site my Endocrinologist doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s vitamins). Please know I have zero affiliation to these two sites.
During this relationship & even now…your body is releasing larges amounts of cortisol, adrenaline & other hormones and this is part of the reason why it is every difficult to leave him because when you do leave them your anxiety level increases with this high release of cortisol & adrenaline. But, REMEMBER your bodies cortisol & adrenaline & other hormones will settle back down. SO you must be patient with yourself & your body during this time.
Be kind to your body right now & always. STAY away from Alcohol & drugs (if you do these things) as they will just stress your adrenal glands even further & you will have more anxiety & depression.
Some symptoms of adrenal fatigue:
anxiety
sleep issues
depression
mood swings
racing mind
cant calm yourself down
doing things you normal would not do anger wiseetc etc. it’s a long list so look up the full list on those sites.
How do you heal your adrenal glands from the stress you are under so that you can think properly again and calm your body &mind down?
A good clean diet such as the book Eat to live by Dr Joel Fuhrman, google “Super Juice me documentary you tube”, google Jason Vale juicing you tube = a good clean diet will flood your body with much needed vitamins & minerals which have been depleted and this will help calm your body & mind down. Look into getting a cortisol test, vitamin & Mineral deficiency test, thyroid T3 & T4 test etc etc.
Once you get your health in order…you will stop wanting go engage with him. You will not be stressed out…and you will not allow him to harm you emotionally, mentally, verbal or physically.
YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU KNOW. You have endured hell…now it’s time to kick this evil guy out of your life…and slam the door for good.
Now is the time to PUT YOURSELF FIRST AND GET YOUR HEALTH BACK IN ORDER & EDUCATE YOURSELF ON THIS EVIL GUYS BEHAVIOR & MIND GAMES.
You can do it Cindy!! You are an amazing person who will thrive one he is out of your life. Get help from the Domestic center to talk with the prosecutors office on your behalf explaining how common it is for an abuser to manipulate the police to get the true victim arrested. Maybe they will drop the charges.
Keep imposing the No contact rule!!🔨👏
Sending you huge hugs Cindy!! 💜💜💜
Take care.
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I know a gal who was wrongly accused of a crime by a psychopath she rejected. It was dismissed. She is considering a civil suit against the police.
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