Hi all… new – please help

[greenstick]

Hi everyone
I’m just posting as need help getting through this… Am sorry if this is a bit long and rambling… I’ve been having problems with my marriage for a long time now. My husband who has low self esteem anyway, went through a long period of unemployment and became very depressed. He hit the bottle and at times became aggressive to me when drunk last year. We worked on things with a counsellor and decided to try for a baby. For a short while we were so happy, until late in pregnancy my baby just died with no explanation in January. My husband was deeply unsupportive and didn’t feel he could handle seeing our daughter in hospital so left me to go alone to say goodbye to her in a cradle while he went to work. He threw himself into sport and sometimes I wouldn’t see him for days as a result.

I was so desperately lonely, felt ugly and unwomanly… ended up on a dating app… Thought it would just be a temporary laugh. Might make friends. Was up front with all the men that I was taken, not looking for anything more than friendship and surprisingly a few took me up on nothing more than that… but one… that one… handsome, rich, intelligent, successful (with a girlfriend of 3 years) wanted more… We’d message and the messages became more frequent and I tried suggesting just friends with benefits, etc, but he wanted more… wanted my heart. I have to add that I should have seen the red flag… we live 200 miles apart, but I started the same with my husband and he and his girlfriend live 150 miles apart and from photos, didn’t seem to see each other that often. He has his own successful business in his city and she has a professional career in hers (does the same thing as me incidentally…).

Anyway, so yes, we went through the love bombing etc and eventually once I felt we were actually in a relationship, did cross the line and have sex with him… He became even more attentive and would constantly go on about missing me etc… BUT there were red flags – one day he said he was going to come up to see me, cancelled at 1am the same day… then the next thing his girlfriend was posting on instagram the beautiful day they were having together at a very expensive restaurant. I was horrified and texted him. He blew cold until the next day when I tried to end it… but then chased and chased me and seemed so devastated, I took him back. Claimed it was all a surprise planned by his gf and he had no idea blah blah blah.

A month ago we were supposed to spend a day and night together in his city… It was planned for weeks… As he works in hospitality, I didn’t expect to hear from him until lunchtime and see him until the afternoon, but as the day went on, he didn’t respond to my increasingly panicking texts and calls that I was alone in a strange city with nowhere to stay and no train home until the next day… Eventually I got TEXTS only in the evening with cat ate my homework excuses. He never even enquired as to whether I was safe or not (unbeknownst to him luckily a friend had come to my rescue). Three days later I finally dumped him… He chased me, tried to get me back but I told him unless he changed his behaviour drastically, there was no way. After that, my messages were ignored…

I kind of felt that his girlfriend’s instagram would tell me something. I’d look at it time to time and Sunday night I woke with a feeling of dread and oddly just felt I had to look at her page… and the answer clicked into place. That day that he was even saying in the early hours he was going to spend with me, instead he had gone to hers and was with her. That was why he ignored me all day. She continues to post pictures of their perfect relationship. He’s clearly devoted to her that he drives 150 miles to see her weekly whenever they both can… Though the caveat is I know he’s controlling – admitted to me he had influence over the way she dresses (and she will post pics at 1am of her outfit saying her boyfriend is coming round and she is wearing something he likes etc). I don’t know whether he just has her under so much adoring control that she meets his needs. I don’t even know why I am obsessing over her so much. He tried to control how I dressed and I wouldn’t let him… He tried to get me to leave my marriage even, making false promises. I’m not even stupid. I’m a smart successful girl but I let this man walk all over me.

My husband has been going to counselling and is definitely now a better man and the experience with this lover, who made out he was my perfect man but clearly wasn’t, has made me come to appreciate my honest loving steadfast husband, who has got the ability to apologise and change. I am really working on things again… You’d think I’d got off scot free. My friends are all telling me to shut up now and move on so I feel like I have no support and need to talk about it and need someone to understand.

I am so upset with myself that I didn’t heed my gut and I let him behave so callously and unchivalrously towards me. It never crossed my mind for the first two weeks of no contact that he had gone to hers instead. I don’t get how he could be so cruel to me and yet is so wonderful and devoted to her… she who posts selfies, despite her professional career which could be seriously damaged by it, on her public instagram of herself in lingerie about to go to bed with him… her with her perfect hair and makeup and beautiful body and career that’s probably going to go better than mine. I feel like a piece of toilet paper he’s wiped his arse with. I feel violated and raped and I don’t know what to do, because I am good. I am beautiful and kind and loving and smart and strong. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m relieved it panned out the way it did as I am glad to be out of his control and I am glad I finally understood what went wrong, but I need a little more than the ‘move on’ which is all my friends can give…

Thank you. xxx

[jed]

It sounds like you have a pretty good grip on what happened and why, which is a good thing, and it’s likely you will never repeat this scenario again. You have been through things that are very hurtful, were weak, then seems like things got out of control all at once and you didn’t have time to heal and process it all….which takes time. Sounds like you need to focus on yourself and hubby and continue with rebuilding your relationship. Thinking about some other guys girlfrien and comparing yourself to her is moving backwards and really does nothing to improve what is important. You got involved, things got messy and complicated…but it is over and keep your mind from going back. Done. Turn the page. Move on (which is what your friends say) cause they likely want you to be happy and have a successful relationship….focus on your family, your commitment, your future, and the positive things you have, and will have more of. Don’t you want someone dedicated to you without thinking of someone else? Do the same….things will be ok. Appreciate what you have…J

[greenstick]

Hi Jed
Thank you for your kind and sensible reply. Trust me, I will never do this ever again. I want to add as I got shredded on another forum… I didn’t know hot or not was a dating app. I do feel terrible about what I did and have been punished terribly really. I spoke to a counsellor and reading books by Natalie Lue which have been helpful. It’s just hard, you know, to reconcile how this sweet attentive gentle kind man was actually evil but his act was Oscar worthy… I’ve blocked Instagram as there’s no point looking, making assumptions and just hurting myself. I am trying to move forward and yet my little fantasist inside still hopes he’ll contact me and tell me it wasn’t all a lie… He brought out a jealous posessive psycho cheater in me, which was the worst of me, that I’ve never been before. I barely slept in the months we were involved and couldn’t think straight. I never felt good enough for him, though I think now maybe he’s not even worthy in reality of licking my boots. I’d rather be my normal self again. I don’t know if he was evil… what I do know is he must have an empty soul and a very sick spirit that he would behave in such a cowardly and unmanly way and have a need to spend so much time creating a fake version of himself to make me like him… I mean, we’re adults… who has the freaking TIME!?! These people hurt but they are losers who’ll never truly experience real love. Xxx

[jed]

Hello Miss Greenstick.
Thank you for your nice response. Some people get a response here, others don’t…and its hard to find someone out there when you just need to talk and be understood,and have someone just respond. Thats actually why I come back here to see if someone gave ME any advice on my post..
BUT….
First of all, Im just some guy out there in the world, and read your thing, kinda understand, and wanted to help if possible. I put my own plea for help or comments out there on this site regarding my situation, and got no reply, other than ads to buy stuff. Its hard to find someone to talk to at time…really get it.

Its hard to find a person who puts a couple of minutes into trying to understand what someone is going through and try to help. I realize that having someone who is just trying to understand your situation and says ‘anything’ makes a difference at times, even though you probably know what is right deep down inside. You seem like a good person.

Its easy to ‘tell it like is’ on some anonymous site like this, but you still never know who you are talking to. Please be careful.

It is VERY GOOD you are talking to a counselor. Trust that person, not people like me or anyone else who you don’t really know. I am trying to help, and I know you want to believe that, but you still need to keep your guard up…I think you fell for it before. But Im really an OK respectable guy. Maybe.

Back to saying it like it is…like I was your counselor or friend or dad….. from what I’ve read, you seem like a nice loving person who wants (or wanted or thought you needed) love, affection and attention. Who the hell doesn’t!!??

Some sweet talker came along who is familiar with people that are vulnerable, and took advantage of you. You probably told him how loving and kind and what a beautiful person you are…and it does sound like you are by what is written (but for all I know I could be responding to some psychopath guy…see…be careful) and since you are probably very attractive, (see, Im doing it!!!) this guy did and said anything because of the once in a lifetime amazing “find” and opportunity that came his way, and he took full advantage of that.
Wow..exciting! No guilt! She started it! she wanted it! etc etc. Being honest.

You seemed to start this cause you wanted attention. He didn’t give a shit about his commitment to someone else..and maybe you didn’t either at the time…but the excitement and fantasy of the movie script you wrote in your head was powerful and exciting..

but it didn’t work out for you, cause it was all about excitement and fantasies and sex and this script in your head. No commitment, no real love…just getting immediate needs met which felt great. It always feels great. and if you combine the physical stuff with the infatuation and BS you convince yourself is happening, its even more powerful. /then you get confused cause your infatuation and story you wanted didn’t work out.

So why are you here? You were used and violated. That really is terrible and some guy lied to you and enjoyed the game he played and didn’t care about you as a person at all. It must have been so exciting for him to use you. Its exciting for people to fantasize on some website and then their fantasies actually come true. It must hurt like hell for you, and I’m very sorry. Really. I know the evil people are capable of. But is this the kind of person you want in your life, or if you were weak (in that moment) is that who you really want to be?

Why are you still wondering what happened about some abuser if you have a hubby that wants to forgive you, grow with you and work things out? You both made big, big mistakes, but if you are forgiving and loving and will commit to each other and grow…. That is where your focus should be. Do this with him.

I don’t think you should be here asking for help to explain why someone took advantage of you when you have a husband to commit to and move through life with. you said in your first post you felt violated and raped. Thats AWEFUL…but thats what people like him do, and thats what happened to you, and you made it easy for him. Im sorry you were weak and vulnerable and he took advantage of you, but you should forgive yourself of why this happened..and stop beating yourself up about it. Im sorry. Your sorry. It was bad. it was wrong. It was a mistake. OK..wont do that again……

Keep talking with your counselor. Forgive yourself of the what-ever-you-want-to-call-it “thing” that happened. Please stop tying to justify or explain what you really know to be true.

Bad thing happened. Bad things happen to good people. Never, EVER EVER go back, respond, or even think about it..
“Stop thoughts” look it up. (easier said than done)

Do: Hubby and I will move forward and grow together and have a real, loving. trusting relationship.

Do: Look forward to the good stuff. ( an not “go back” there)

Do: talk with your counselor and hub and best friend you trust and knows you. work it out.

Do: Live life abundantly.

see ya

J

.

[Nevaeh]

Just one thing: people who constantly gush how happy they are on social media are in fact not happy.
You will realize this someday I promise.
He treats you bad, he will treat her bad- a man who behaves like this will always do so (no matter what kind of woman he is with).

[greenstick]

Thank you again Jed and thank you Nevaeh (beautiful name btw). Your replies are so kind and helpful. It’s finally starting to have less power. It’s a month since I dumped him, two weeks of NC and surprise (!) am starting to feel better the more detached I am from the situation. She’s welcome to him. He cheated before me and no doubt has someone else on the go now… and I am sure she knows it which is why she posts timer pics they have taken in the past of the making out etc. I was making it about what I did wrongly, but it was never about me, or her… It’s always about him being the utter dips**t that he clearly is. I don’t doubt he’s cackling all the way to his ego bank, but if that for him is winning then I pity him. Am off for the fun of an STI screen tomorrow. I am so glad to be off the rollercoaster. I kind of like life being a bit dull and no longer the tragic heroine. The role of the other woman is not a better one than the cheated wife / girlfriend. Both are bad, but it’s frightening to know that people like him want to sh*t on you, but still keep the relationship going, because he had the cheek to not want it to end, to snuff out my self worth entirely. I feel proud of myself that I proved him wrong and that I’m not a gold digger that I’d sacrifice my self esteem for a pair of designer shoes. I may still have NC wavers, but I don’t have to act on every stupid thought my brain throws up anymore. Xxxxx

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