- This topic has 28 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 9 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
-
Hi everyone, I’m new on here. My 20-year relationship to a covert narcissistic abuser has just ended (he left me for his next target!). The ending was utterly brutal. I had long had my suspicions that he was an emotionally manipulative bully, but the charming man, intermittently on display, along with my own heavy investment in the relationship (2 children) kept me in denial. However, the sheer brutality of the discard (which happened over several months) stripped him of his mask and I am just now putting the pieces together after 20 turbulent years. I’m reading some great books which have helped a lot. I am dealing with deep-seated toxic shame. I am relieved it is over but know I have a long journey ahead in terms of getting my old self back and starting my life anew. Just wanted to say hi to everyone. I’m looking forward to being a part of this community.
-
Welcome freeatlast. Glad you have found this forum. 20 years is a long time to suffer. Hope you can find some answers and practical advice from the amazing folks here. It has sure helped me recover and move on. I identify with what you describe as “deep-seated toxic shame”. It took me a while to let go of that and realize I did nothing to deserve such vile treatment. Once I let go of self-blame I really started to heal. Glad you have found us — hope we can help. Blessings!
-
-
Hi Freeatlast, (beautiful name💜)
I’m so sorry you suffered for so long & then got discarded ruthlessly. Very painful all the days with a sociopath but, the discard is brutal. You should be so proud of yourself for finding the courage to research the truth & now educating yourself & posting here on this wonderful site Lovefraud. THESES ARE POWERFUL STEPS TOWARDS YOUR HEALING…know this!!
Please beware that sociopaths will always leave the door open with past targets incase they need something…sex, money, a place to live, a car, someone to play a cat & mouse games of abuse…so be prepared to have him boomerang back into your life. The more your read & relate it to your own nightmare of a life with a sociopath the more you will be able to slam the door shut for good long before he boomerangs back into your life.
His latest target is a victim just like you. So look at her more as a future allied then a enemy. Since their relationship is new she could easily kick him to the curb and then he will come running back to you full of lying & manipulative bs apology words. Dont buy his FAKE lies & manipulation to win you back. This is what they do only to discard the victim again (& again). Every day is a con game for them to have fun, to see who they can suck back into their con game. So be ware & start building your emotional walls now by education yourself everyday…so that if he does try to get back into your mind with his mind control & brain washing you will know what to do = impose the NO CONTACT RULE (do a search here on love fraud & the net).
Also, he may use Sociopath smear campaign and sociopath tribulation (google) with his current target & you. DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT. Look these sociopath evil tactics up now so you can spot his con game.
Keep reading here at love fraud, venting & posting.
Wishing you all the best. Take care. 💜💜💜
google: Brene Brown vulnerability ted. com talk and Brene Brown Listening to shame ted. com talk. They are both powerful. Your library may have her books (maybe electronic form to read now since the libraries are closed).
-
freeatlast – welcome to Lovefraud, although I am certainly sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. The good news is that you are not alone – we all understand exactly what you’ve been through. It will take time to recover, but it is certainly possible. Lovefraud has lots of information that will help you.
-
-
Hi Freeatlast, you’re so welcome. Donna & her husband Terry have done an amazing job of building Lovefraud into a wealth of informational articles, interviews, You Tube channel & a support site that has helped thousands & thousands, including me. Just keep reading & reading and watching LOVEFRAUD YOU TUBE CHANNEL VIDOES (Donna’s videos are powerful!!). The more you read, the more your mind will wake up to his brain washing & mind control he had you under.
Opening your mind fully does not happen overnight. It takes time…so be very kind to yourself during this healing process. It is very normal to see the good in a abuser. They have conditioned us to do so. Remember that. He conditioned you to accept his bad behavior & not run for the hills. He used endless mind manipulation to control your mind so that you just would keep moving forward in the abusvie relationship verse fleeing. They know what they are doing to control others. This is why he wants the door left open “to remain friends”…I have read so many post from other victims that said the same as your ex “Lets be friends”…NO…HELL NO!! You can not be friends with a narcissist or sociopath narcissist. They are users & abusers. They will suck you back into their web of destruction only to DISCARD you again and again & again.
Look up the video on you tube “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube”. This is a interview of Gavin Debecker book The Gift of Fear (a must read, your library may have this book maybe even on E-book for you to read now). This book reminds us all to listen to our GUT INSTINCT the second we meet someone. It also reminds us that wild animals do not stick around to see if another wild animal or dog or human are safe when approached. Nope they RUN & run fast away and a bird flies away…yet, humans have been taught to “give someone a chance”, or “he made a mistake you should forgive him”…This book reminds you to listen to your gut instinct.
When I first met my ex h thru a friend/boyfriend I literally thought he was a tornado…first impressions are lasting impressing! The second time I met him i literally thought he was crazy…I WAS CORRECT.
I had just moved to a new city for a new job and was lonely. I had zero interested in dating him, he had a large group of friends (which i did not understand because again I thought he was off) but, I would meet up with his “gang of friends” &him when he called to invite me out to dinner with all of them. He then started the Love bombing stage without me realizing it because I was already dating someone (the person that introduced us! who lived in another city). Fast forward, he would call my home 10 times & leave messages on my machine each time even though he knew I was at work! And then he would just show up at my home without calling. It was all to much.
He then asked me if he could kiss me one night, I told him NO. He kissed me anyway. I keep my walls up…but, he kicked my walls down…he like the challenge of me not wanting him. (looking back). I had zero interested in him. My relationship ended (most likely because he was talking to his friends & spreading a sociopath smear campaign without me knowing. After about 4 months he got me to date him even thought I did not want to date him, then my apartment had issues & I had to move & he pressured me to move in with him. Something I did not want to do. Never did I want to marry him. He got his way. he just steamed rolled over my barriers. This is what they do.
I read in Steven Hassans book Freedom of mind (do a search here on Lovefraud for Donna’s write up) that the most common way to get sucked into a cult or domestic abusive relationship is when their is a life change such as a move, change in jobs, change in careers, going off to school, empty nest, death in the family, divorce etc. WHY this time? because your guard is down & you might not be surrounded by loved ones who can protect you. For me, I had moved & had a new job. Lots of changes that I was focused on & I was lonely. And he just keep pressing me. He knew what he was doing. He needed me for financial reasons (he was not working & his roommates had all moved out) he needed money. I was his atm machine.
SO, for you looking back what changes did you have at the time you meet your ex h? This is a very important aspect of healing. And also to make sure that you never let your guard down in the future for a sociopath to maneuver themselves into your life.
Google: Steven Hassan Bite Model. This is how a sociopath or psychopath aka cult leader or domestic abuser controls someone. Everything can happen slowly over time or literally within a day someone can be under a sociopaths mind control. SO CRAZY.
Look into “Cognitive dissonance” here on lovefruad & net. This is an issue with victims where we hold two difference beliefs..one he is a good person and one he is a bad person. What you have to do is do what you are doing, write a list of ALL the things he did or said to you that was abusive. When you see the good look at this list again & again. I did the same. Our minds play tricks on us to forget the bad & only thing about the good. But, once you are healed you will realize EVERYDAY was a BAD DAY WITH HIM. You just tried to survive the nightmare during that time by seeing the good in him. This is a normal survival technique that keeps humans alive during abusive times. Now that you are safe & healing you need to let your mind see the truth in him & not picture in your mind that there were good times. This comes with time hon, so dont pressure yourself over all of this.
With my ex h I can not even look at a picture of him because I see nothing but pure evil now. That is the truth in his pictures. And now my mind is safe to see the truth. TI was there from the second I met him. HE is crazy. And I saw it. But, to survive the nightmare of living with a psychopath I tried to make it a more then it really was = pretending that we had good times. We never did.
You should be so proud of yourself…you are making AMAZING steps in your healing. Again, pat yourself on the back. Seriously!👏 You have a counselor! 👏You have been reading books,👏 you found your way to LF,👏 and are posting your story 👏& asking for help. 👏THESE ARE HUGE HUGE STEP FOR YOUR RECOVERY!! 👏👏🌷🌷
Look after your health too, most victims suffer from PTSD..most likely you too. Look up symptoms of adrenal fatigue on the net &sites like Adrenal fatigue .org & Dr Lam. com (I have zero affiliation to these sites, I suffered from PTSd and I believe that adrenal fatigue is part of the PTSD and must be healed to truly heal your body & mind). My doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal vitamins & I researched more. If you have lots of symptoms then you want to look into an Alternative doctor or an Endocrinologist doctor (deals with adrenal glands).
I’ll write more later. Keep reading. Keep posting! 😊💜🌷
-
-
-
ps for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath narcissist. (All sociopaths are narcissist also, but, not all narcissist are sociopath)…do a search here at Lovefraud for Tina Swiften and her book One moms battle and her interview with Donna (maybe posted on you tube Lovefraud).
Look up “sociopath low contact rule” and “narcissist low contact rule”. This is the rule you follow with a narcissist when you have children & custody issues. NO phone calls with a sociopath discussing children issues only email (which can be used in court) & use a separate email dedicated only to communicate with him. No text messages.
Why no phone calls or text? Because sociopath & narcissist love to push past victims buttons for fun & this will only cause you anxiety to your body & mind (exactly what he will want). And the best way for them to do that is with a phone call or text messages.
SO, for you to have peace in your life use only email. And keep ALL emails very brief…ie “you can pick the children up at 4pm”. Never go out to the car to meet him alone. If the children are old enough to get out of the care on their own & run to your door, let them. AVOID him as much as possible. He will just try to ruin your day or week with negative talk. He will not like this at first. He will buck you on you taking your power back. So be prepared for this and do not engage in any argument with him. Just know he will push back. ALL the email exchanges can be used in court so what what you say. KEEP THEM SIMPLE no agreement with him when he is pushing your buttons. Let him rant and just sit back & watch his narcissistic mask slip each time.
If he sends a email that is intentionally pushing your buttons IGNORE THE EMAIL..simply detach & laugh at his manipulative games. This is not easy to do at first, detach, but the more you read, the more you will see his con game.
Look up here on Lovefraud “Husband, Liar, Sociopath” book the author has posted chapters of this book. It will help you to see the games they play. Also, you might want to purchase Donna’s books, she has a new series…look up at the top of Lovefraud for her bookstore.
-
Hi freeatlast – I can tell from your posts what a very lovely person that you are, and feel touched that you said that you look forward to being part of the Love Fraud community. We welcome you !!! You will really find support and Love True here. The more you read other participants posts and stories, the less shame you will feel because you will see how many many people have had to heal from relationships with psychological abusers, and you will understand that the abuse was never your fault. From reading so many stories, I have come to realize that it is the sweet ones who get targeted. I know that what you are going through is a tremendous struggle due to the horrible emotional attack that you have suffered and are doing all you can to get through the difficult and overwhelming emotions, and also to trying to make sense of it all. I understand that you are educating yourself and I congratulate you for finding your way to the truth. The other participants who posted to you gave such wonderful and heartfelt advise, so I know you will benefit greatly from them. I want to assure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel – that you will keep learning and growing and healing and then one day, you will suddenly feel your happiness again.
Blessings -
freeatlast- This is a good place to learn. Glad you are here.
SG
-
-
-
freeatlast – Wow – I can certainly understand how it could come about that you don’t like your own name. It brought back a memory of a certain contempt that my psychopathic ex husband would have in his voice when he said, “Donna,” and then started telling me something that I obviously should have already known, according to him.
In this case, being comfortable with your own name will be a true indication of your healing. So I suggest you work on it. Sit quietly, think about how he said your name in particular situations, and allow the emotions to come up. Get them out of your system. You’ll probably have to do this multiple times, because I’m sure there are many incidents to process.
You also might want to look into EFT Tapping – I think it would really help you reclaim your name. We have a couple of webinars on the topic.
Take back your name – that will be your victory.
-
-
Hi freeatlast – I’ve noticed that you have particularly referred to the emotion of shame in some of your posts. I am finding it to be intriguing to me, because in most survivor’s posts that I have thus far read, it seems that the main emotion that is usually described is sadness and loss. Could you please explain a little more about how you experience shame – I would like to understand it more so that I could identify that within myself as something that I perhaps need to be more conscious of ( as it might be hiding in denial or something ). I know that you mentioned about how your ex was so contemptuous when he said your name that you have come to dislike it. It is generally the case that when survivors have been mistreated they often do take the blame and end up disliking themselves. So a big part of healing is to realize that the other person was the abuser and then slowly come to love yourself again. So I get it how you would feel that way about your name as we tend to identify with our name. But would you please ( if you wouldn’t mind doing so ) try to help me understand how shame comes into the picture. I truly would like to learn about this. On the other hand, if doing so would be too uncomfortable, feel free to not respond about it. Lastly, I want to assure you that I do understand the anguish you are going through, as I have definitely been there.
Blessings -
free- You might read slimone’s advice-
IGNORE his devaluing of you. It is just stupid drivel.
SG
-
-
Hi freeatlast – in the interim before I got your latest post, I was giving a lot of thought about the issue of shame and how I could identify with how you have been feeling. I suddenly remembered a situation from my life in which I had much shame. When I was about 7 years old I had to go to live with my great uncle and aunt and my 2 cousins because my mother got addicted to drugs. One day my brother ( actually my cousin but we ended up growing up together so he became my brother ) had a bunch of friends over and he started to make mean references about my mother and started laughing and sneering and then all his friends started to laugh at me too. Then later my aunt/mother told me that I could tell no one that I was “ adopted “ and that I had to call her “ Mom “. I thought it was because my situation and my mother ( children identify very much with their mothers ) was such a shameful thing. I went for years carrying what I thought was a horrible secret and thought that if anyone found out then they would not want to have anything more to do with me. I never even told my very best friend in high school. Finally I went away to college and met my first “ true love “. Anyway, I felt so close to him that I trusted that I could tell him my awful secret. It was so hard getting it out to the light of day. His response was that he didn’t think it was horrible at all. He had no emotionally charged response and loved me just as he had been loving me all along. I was astonished ! Then through the years I was able to share my story more and more and all the shame drained away. So I guess that is why it hit a chord when you spoke about feeling shame, and indeed it was something that I really did need to remember in order to complete my healing of the situation from an even more mature perspective. I thank you for sharing the pain that you had to endure from someone treating you in such a derogatory manner. It is good to get it out. One day you too will come to realize that someone else’s problems are in no way a reflection of your beautiful self. Keep up all the great work that you’re doing !
Blessings -
-
freeatlast – about your feelings of shame – all of them are reactions to his gaslighting! He is the one who said all the things to make you feel bad, and he said them with the intention of making you feel bad. His objective was to demolish you and keep you under his control. Do you think you can stop believing what he said about you?
-
-
Hi freeatlast – sorry I haven’t replied to your post sooner. My cat died so I’ve been crying and crying. Also I live on a mountain and don’t have internet so I have to drive into town for my internet usage, and with all this social distancing etc. I haven’t been coming into town as often. Anyway, I very much appreciated your reply to my post. I wanted to share a realization that I had this morning that I thought you might gain some insight from. I was thinking about my great aunt who brought me up ( I had mentioned her in a previous post to you ) anyway, she was very abusive but I had no understanding of what was going on. Now that I have more understanding, I have been doing “ cleaning up “ of stuff. I can now see her personality disorder etc, and the sick tactics she used – and yet, I can still appreciate some of her good qualities that she had and which have progressively been buried deeper and deeper. Perhaps why I was able to survive was my ability to see goodness. This may be in part due to what psychologists call “ projection “ ( or even Stockholm Syndrome ! ) but in any case with sociopaths, what they perceive is all the negativity in others. At least in the ones that they designate to be their scapegoats. So, as we mature emotionally we can begin to have clarity to be able to be more objective in ascertaining real characteristics and issues. In ourselves and in others. And if we find something about ourselves that we feel we want to change, then we just go about doing that without a huge emotional charge about it. Unfortunately, sociopaths are unable to be objective and they live in a hell of emotional confusion without the peace of clarity. So you are on your way to getting things sorted out and when you do, I know that you will feel great peace.
Blessings -
-
Thank you SG – your post meant a lot to me.
-
-
Hi freeatlast – I listened to part of the sample of Kristin Neff’s book and already put one of her ideas into practice. What happened was that I was spending time on the couch reading and thinking and writing, and then I began to criticize myself for not being up and doing house cleaning. Then I remembered what Kristin said, and I said to myself, “ hey, wait a minute – you’ve just gone through a trauma and are grieving. You should be on the couch ! “. Thank you for your condolences about my cat. He came to me in a dream recently and I was so happy to see him and feel reassured that he is still with me. By the way, I noticed that there is a deck of cards that goes with Kristin’s book ( I think ) on Amazon. You might really like it. I have been re studying Amber Ault’s book called The Five Step Exit. It is so clear and concise to get an understanding of how to move forward with your life. Participant called “ t159443 “ is waiting for her copy to arrive, and I was thinking that you might want to read it too. If you do, be sure to read the intro – I often just jump into a book without reading the intro, but in her book it is an essential part of the book. I was so happy to hear that your ex’s plans had been canceled – congratulations about that. It doesn’t look like all this social distancing will be eliminated any time soon, so you will have some well needed space from your ex’s drama. I am still learning a lot about how to heal from psychological abuse and each step along the way is so gratifying. I know that you are experiencing that too and I am so glad that you have stepped into the light.
Blessings -
Hi freeatlast – oops ! I checked and the deck of cards is not by Kristin Neff – It is called the “ Self Compassion Deck “ by Christopher Willard. Apparently he also has an online mindfulness course. The comments on the deck looked good.
Blessings -
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.