How do i stay in the NC zone?

[Joyfully]

I broke up 2 weeks ago from my boyfriend who i thought since that is a narcissist. The story goes like this: we were together for one year after we both came from long term relationships. It’s was constantly an on/off relationship, we were fighting a lot, accusing each other that we have unresolved business with our exes. Each time we were breaking up, we both went back to reconnect somehow with our ex. Usually it took us a week or two to get back together, without having any physical contact with our exes (or so i thought).
Over time i somehow felt that i was being manipulated by him, that i was never right, i had this uneasy feeling that he was lying to me but i could never prove anything. After going back together we always had that period of love bombing but after 2-3 weeks we would start fighting and getting on each other on different topics and then break up and start all over again. I was always telling him that this is not a healthy relationship and we should cut it off once and for all but he would always insist that we should be together because what we have is unique and he loves me and knows i love him to, and i’m the most wonderful person he ever met and i’m the one for him and he wouldn’t give up on me.

The interesting part begins in july. we were in vacation and one evening he had this odd behavior so when he went to take a shower i would check up his phone to discover some conversations with his ex, where he was trying to lure her back into a relationship but keeping her at distance in the same time (since he was with me in that period). So i broke up with him then and went No Contact, blocked him on my phone and facebook, but then he started emailing me and contacting me on Skype and god knows what else. Slowly but sure, in 1 month i found myself missing him and feeling guilty, giving him the benefit of the doubt, thinking that he still cares for me and that anyway i have no reason to believe that anything was happening behind the scenes (the explanation he gave to me was. since always, that he doesn’t want to hurt her because she cares so much about him and she’s sensitive, and knowing that he was seeing someone else would devastate her). So i bit it in the end and i found myself writing to him one evening, being all friendly and ending meeting him the next day and then we hit it off again (while i was still saying that it’s wrong, that i don’t trust him and he hurt me and blah blah).

So we were now back together and trying to do things “the right way”. We kinda had an incognito relationship up until then because while i was telling all of my friends and family that i’m dating him and introducing him to anyone, he basically kept me quite hidden. he was telling me that everybody knew about me, and i somehow knew about all of his friends but never met anyone. So now we were starting to go out of the closet, meeting his friends, going out with his ex work colleagues (that happen to be my co-workers because he worked in the same place that i do) and i thought maybe things could go right. Though in my head, things were still of. I mean, basically i never saw him as a potential husband for me or anything, i knew there were some things that i didn’t like about him (i always felt he was somehow arrogant, and too stiff in the way he was presenting himself), but i was still going with the flow.

So after two weeks of milk and honey since our last fight (in the meantime he told me he also told his ex that he was seeing someone – for some weeks not a whole f***ing year but anyway), one evening i see him acting all weird with his phone, like he was hiding something. So i confront him and tells me nothing happens, that it’s all in my head, and i keep accusing him of stuff, and he says nothing and then i ask for his phone and he avoids giving it to me and i insist until i put hands on that phone to see that his ex overeacts over a photo of us on facebook. So i say “ok, something is weird and surely he lied to me”. I threat him that i’ll talk to her, he tries to convince me that i shouldn’t be doing that that it makes no sense, i let him believe that he convinced me and tell him i need some time alone that evening. So what do i do? I write to her that evening and we share our stories. And i find out that the whole year he’s been sleeping both with me and with her and when he was not with me he was with her and vice versa. She tells me that since they broke up they had more than one tentative to get back together and that he even moved back home for short period of times and she was fighting like crazy to make things work but he would always find a reason to leave. And the most interesting part, just two weeks before (when we hit it off again), he sent her flowers and was trying so hard to get to her, he was promising her a life together, telling her she was the love of his live, bombing her with sweet emails and calling her non stop.

And that was my wake up moment. I then started to look for all kinds of stuff on the internet about narcissists and psychopaths, just to discover that i was living a lie for the past year. And after that evening, he kept looking for me, mailing me (because of course i blocked the shit out of him), waiting me in the parking lot at work in the evening, telling me that he actually wants to be with me, that it was stupid of him to write all of those things to her and he didn’t mean a thing, that his biggest mistake was that he didn’t know how to manage the whole situation in the past year and all that he wanted was to avoid hurting her but that he actually loves me and i’m the one he wants to be with.

So now, after two and a half weeks after breakup, i’m in a total NC mode, but i can’t help but look back at what has happened and still feel hurt and somehow wishing he still crawls at my feet. And instead on focusing on what i can do to heal myself and not get back in this kind of story ever again, i’m craving for revenge on him, though i realise somehow that, since he never loved me truly, he will never be affected by anything i’m doing, and he’ll find a new “toy” in the shortest time.

In the meantime, i kept talking from time to time to his ex, and the last time she told me they meet couple of times because they have to split an apartment they bought together, and that he always compliments her, he asked her to join him at a friend’s birthday and also invited her for coffee. That mo fo is still playing even after all that happened and after both of us knowing what he did, and i’m pretty sure that even though i didn’t hear from him in 4 days, he’ll get back to me sooner or later.

And my question now is: how to i heal from this and forget this even happened and how do i get immune to whatever his attempts might be in the future?

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