How have your SP siblings hurt you (warning: triggering)?

[g3ntlejen]

I hope this doesn’t trigger anyone and I apologize if it does, but would some of you brave souls here tell us your stories of how you have been hurt by your siblings and how you dealt with it? Only tell ONE story if it’s too much for you.

[polestar]

Hi g3ntlejen – my story to share is about my sister. She is actually biologically my cousin but I was brought up with her and have always considered her my sister. Anyway, suddenly for no apparent reason she went silent treatment on me. For example would not respond to emails or birthday cards that I sent. We don’t live in the same city so there was no social interaction anyway, and I just let it go. About last year I went to visit my aging mother ( actually my great aunt who brought me up ) and she mentioned something about my sister and I told her about the non responses. My mother said, “ oh – well – what you did !!! “. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about and I still have no clue because as I said I live far away and really have not had any occasion of conflict. But you know what I did ( which I was proud of myself about ! ) – I did not take the bait and I did not ask my mother what it was that I did. I just steered the conversation in a different direction and the issue about my sister was dropped. And I have just left it dropped. If she was upset with me about something then it was up to her to communicate with me about it and not just give me the perpetual silent treatment. In my opinion, she has a problem – I guess a character disorder of one type or another, and I will not take the blame for what is her problem. I have totally let it all go and don’t even think about her at all. I am only writing this out in the hopes that you might gain from my experience. I, like you, have struggled to much to live a healthy and peaceful life to allow someone to bring abuse to me.
Blessings

[emilie18]

My siblings have not hurt me but my sister in law has many times treated me with less than respect. She is the second wife of my oldest brother – I actually introduced them – and has always had rather a superior, imperious attitude. Our family is down to earth, practical, caring and easy going. She flaunts her expensive clothing, gourmet tastes and demeans anything “common”. Since she and my brother lived across the country, I rarely let it bother me.

I stopped sending her and my brother presents after she informed me she just put them in the Salvation Army bin as they didn’t “fit her lifestyle”. Once when all the siblings put in money for an agreed-upon gift for our parents, she volunteered to pick it up – but showed up with something entirely different and much more expensive, saying that our choice was not nice enough. On the rare occasions we made a meal together she changed my recipes, added ingredients and once, tossed out a whole bowl of gravy, saying it was boring.

I was my parent’s caregiver for 7 years, fulfilling a promise to allow them to die at home. My father was in a wheelchair the last 5 of those years and increasingly difficult to transport. My brother and his wife were in town visiting, staying with my other brother, so I invited them and my sister and their families over for dinner. I bought an expensive spiral cut honeyed ham and made a huge potato salad and they were to bring the rest. On the morning of the planned dinner I got a call from my sister asking if I needed help getting our Dad to the restaurant. Surprised, I asked what she was talking about and she told me she got a call the night before from my sister in law saying they had reservations at one of the fancier restaurants in town. She was surprised at my surprise. When I called my brother to ask what was going on, my SIL got on the phone and informed me it was better for everyone to go out and Dad deserved a ‘nice’ dinner. She never checked with me, never asked what Dad wanted (he hated going out because of his inability to eat without drooling, the difficulty of dressing up, getting in and out of the car, and his deafness), and, during the dinner, she never once spoke to me. I felt totally blindsided. After our Dad’s death she tried to dictate how to handle the memorial, but, finally, with the help of my sister, we did it our way.

My oldest brother passed away two years ago from complications from the flu and instead of letting us know how sick he was she kept saying he was getting better and told us to stay home. He died without us there. She never once offered to send us any memento or remembrance – let his kids pick through everything then took the rest to charity. She refused to have a memorial service, saying he didn’t want one, never informed us when she scattered his ashes – and later we heard she had a huge gathering for all their friends.

So – how did I handle this? At first I let her have her way, thinking she might have been right – after all, she seemed so elegant and sure of herself, and she had a knack of making me feel ungrateful, petty and small. After the ham dinner episode, though, I made myself totally unavailable whenever she visited, explained to my siblings why I wasn’t joining them. I am polite to her now, but never initiate contact. When she writes or emails (always a group letter to us all), I keep my replies factual and short. I will never again give her the power to change my plans or make me feel insignificant.

[Donna Andersen]

g3ntlejen – I don’t have personal stories of disordered siblings, but I can assure you that I’ve heard plenty of them from Lovefraud readers. Sociopaths often abuse their family members. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from them, but sometimes it is necessary.

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