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I’m with a beautiful guy for a couple of years. The longer we’re together, the more he reveals but at the same time holds back if that makes sense.
Transpired he has lots of close women friendships he hasn’t been 100% about with me, including recent exes.
We don’t live together and don’t spend loads of time together due to other commitments but the time we have together is always awesome.
He is always kind and is clever , popular and funny and successful. We have amazing sex and connections on lots of levels and then he takes me to amazing places. He doesn’t always pay for me, I pay my way so it’s a pretty equal relationship. we both have lots of freedom, he def has more free time due to the age of his kids.
The stuff with me learning about the other women kind of happened organically, It was quite casual when we were first together so I never showed much interest, occasionally he’d drop names and some were exes but I didn’t think he was actively meeting them and in regular contact the longer our relationship went on and he never told me any different. He has close friendships with guys too but they don’t seem as important and meet-ups aren’t as regular.
occasionally he’d let slip a meeting or conversation that had happened with exes / women friends (most of whom he’s slept with) and sometimes left me a bit unclear about their relationships…since we got more serious he promised to be more open, typical backstory is that he was very hurt by some past relationships and people cheating that now he’s very cagey but is learning to open up more.
So he tells me more stuff in the spirit of being open and periodically big stuff slips out which leaves me wondering is he just a liar…
hes previously told me he’d never had same sex experiences or threesomes or anything like that, this then changed later on in conversation to ‘not really…’ and More recently he told me he’d had one gay experience years ago but doesn’t remember much as was very drunk.
Then last week he said he’s had some ‘gay’ experiences with different guys and loved it but is definitely heterosexual. he also said I’m the first person he’s ever told.
Not a problem either , I’ve also had gay experiences and I’m pretty open so I understand that.
Then more recently, when drunk he’s told me during sex that he would actually like to have more gay experiences , I asked him if he’d do it again and he was very affirmative, then quickly adding that he’d only like to do it with me there hmm
And then dressing it up as a swinging kind of experience which I could get with but the more he talks about it the more he focuses on the guy on guy aspect. As well as wanting me to give him some kind of lesbian show and basically have a bit of an orgy.
He’s definitely sexually interested in me and (by his behaviour when out and things he’s said or I’ve observed) he’s clearly very interested in women. Our sex life on the whole is exciting and I definitely turn him on.
Recently I’ve learned of some parties he’s been at that I couldn’t attend where people were very ‘free and easy’ and he assured me he was ‘good’… I have no way of disproving this and tbf I don’t want to go down the route of evidence gathering.
So it all sounds ok re the liberal sex life but but there are other bits which just make me a bit doubtful, like half truths and ‘forgetting’ to tell me about meet ups and parties and getting into situations when out without me where he could have had sex , offers on a plate , but chose to stay faithful and some quite derogatory language about some of the women who are trying it on with him , some etc
I just feel weird. Writing it all down sounds terrible but Obviously I’ve just condensed the bits that make me nervous…there’s other aspects which are great. I’ve read a few posts on here today about lap dancing, topless bars, strip clubs, porn etc and it’s a very mixed response.
I am liberal but see myself as a feminist and also feel I mitt be having the mickey being slightly taken out of me because I’m liberal.
We’ve had umpteen discussions as this stuff really rankles but he always talks a good talk and I end up feeling like a controlling paranoid banshee! -
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Hi morknmindy – the situation that you have described is something that I personally would not want to put up with from the get go. The guy that you are dating sounds like he is lying – he will withhold and then let a little of this and then a little of that come out, as he gets you more and more conditioned to situations that you would originally find alarming. Not mentioning things is lying by omission and it is just as much a lie as a bold faced lie. A person who lies will just escalate that behavior so that you will spend all your time in doubt instead of having a feeling of trust which is what you need for a relationship. You are also putting yourself at risk for sexually transmitted diseases, from what his life style is showing – regardless of his denials ( which I wouldn’t believe ). It is hard to see clearly when you are involved with someone sexually already. I’m glad that you have posted here and I think that you will also need to get more support for clarity about your situation to help you see and have strength to recognize that you are being placed in a vulnerable position both physically and emotionally. I personally believe that the relationship is one that can cause you much pain and heartache. Post again if you would like further feedback about this.
Blessings -
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morknmindy – at the very least, the guy sounds like a lying, cheating sex maniac. Is that what you want? And if this is ldr – who knows what he is doing that you can’t see?
Also, if you have had losses recently, then you are in a very vulnerable position. He is taking advantage of that.
You are certainly seeing the red flags. Please do something about it. You deserve far better.
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Hi morknmindy –
A sociopath who lies is the most difficult to spot. They all do it in the love bombing stage anyway, and everybody ( except in rare cases when somebody is educated about character disorders but even then it happens ). After all, we are “ wired “ in our DNA to fall in love etc. it’s one of the essentials that Mother Nature has programmed us to be sure the species carries on. . So what happens is that at the love bomb stage we have already walked quite a distance with the person, with hormones firing and much attachment taking place. When the little red flags start slowly, we already have so much positive reinforcement to offset them. With a liar, it is much worse because you walk with them a lot longer down the path with them. Even when the truth is revealed “ cognitive dissonance “ occurs. If you are not familiar with this concept, research it because that is a huge stumbling block to gaining clarity. I’m glad that you at the place to be able to see the truth and not remain in denial. The fact that you have recently suffered losses has made you extremely vulnerable. It is true what Donna said. Right now you need to do what is best for you – namely to extricate yourself from the relationship and to start your healing journey. By doing this, you are being a wonderful example to your children. For them to see you courageously face the truth and choose the high path of healing to gain back your self esteem is a valuable lesson for them – because each person has challenges and difficulties in life, that gets all of us down at one time or another in our lives – but there are some hero’s who get back up to create a new and better life. So be that hero for yourself and for your children. Lastly, for children,it is the character of their parent that is most important and that is what they internalize. I know that what you are going through is painful right now and how difficult it is, yet you will proceed to the next stage of healing and as you progress step by step, you will indeed heal and one day in the not too far distance, the bright sun of your joy will begin to shine forth.
Blessings -
Psychopaths take advantage of people who are vulnerable as Donna says. Take care of yourself.
SG
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They can be hard to get rid of. It is recommended you tell him once you want the relationship to end. It is up to you when you are ready. Until then play the game.
SG
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Hi morknmindy – I understand how difficult the implementation of leaving a relationship can be. I truly think that it was one of my biggest hurdles. I would know that I needed to be free of a toxic situation, but wouldn’t quite know how to go about it. To some it seemed easy and they would simply say, “ Go no contact “, but I personally really needed a roadmap to be able to do that. I muddled through. Since that time, Amber Ault wrote her book, “ The Five Step Exit “, and it is the perfect map and assistance to going through that step between thinking something is terribly wrong and then the step of being out and into healing. Anyway, her book will not only answer your questioning mind, but will give you the tools to know how to communicate your decision with a practical plan to navigate a situation that can be complex both within oneself emotionally and in relation to another. So I would recommend getting the book ( inexpensive on Amazon ) and read it while putting off the person in question until you have read her book and have made your wise exit plan.
Blessings -
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GOOD FOR YOU. Now you can go forward to healthy relationships!!
SG
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morknmindy – No Contact is the answer. YOu have ended it – do not talk to him, no text, no visits, don’t even go to his social media. The longer you stay away, the more your head will clear. You will see that the problem was him all along.
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Hi morknmindy –
Great job !!! Hooray for you ! So awesome that you ended it. 🔆⚜️👍 -
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marknmindy- You were doing the best you could with the information you had at the time. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
SG
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Hi morknmindy – I can identify with you very much because my situation was similar to yours. I have come to the realization that all the flirting and triangulation is a passive aggressive means to psychologically batter one’s partner. It also comes under the category of the devalue stage. In that sense, it is a stage that every person in an abusive relationship goes through, and through going No Contact and through healing, we do get our self esteem back again. You are currently at the end of the despair stage, and going into the education stage of healing. Keep going, keep educating yourself and really put your heart into your new life, and you will go step by step into knowing more deeply a whole new you that you will discover and love so much – for it is the special radiant you that your ex wanted to bring down but you thwarted that – “ nipped it in the bud “. And again I congratulate you – great job !!!
Blessings
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