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Hello everyone, this is actually the short version to cut to the chase! I did not catch on to my sister in law until a few years into my marriage with my husband. She is very smart, with advanced degrees, but suspiciously, I found out that she was described by family as “informally” diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder as a child, meaning she never was evaluated, but her behavior was outrageous; not being able to keep friends, tattle telling and being overbearing, and becoming increasingly jealous of my husband’s achievements as they grew up.
Fast forward to present. Her husband has come to us privately last year and said he does not know what to do with her. She is exhibiting symptoms of bipolar disorder, and uses religion as a cover much of the time, boasting about her spiritual exercises and refusing to negotiate in good faith with my husband, and gets her children and her mother, (advanced in age and not well), involved so that she does not have to be accountable on her own. She will not speak to anyone privately, stonewalls and flips the script with projection and blame shifting. It has come to a point where I refuse to play, but that means I cannot be in her company, which poses a problem with my good relationship with her mother, my in law– whom I try to help when I can since she lives on her own now.
My husband has called her and emailed to ask her to speak to him privately and again she refuses, but he still has to interact with her when at his mother’s. No one holds her accountable, and I know unfortunately this problem began in childhood, when accountability was not being required of her, due to her intelligence. It seems as though her parents overlooked these other maladaptive qualities due to that fact. I am seeking some suggestions, because frankly my husband is a good person, and does not want this responsibly of catching her off guard to talk and I don’t want to be the one speaking out, because she is not my sister, but she has overstepped her boundaries with me. I also do not want to disrespect her mother, but it is impossible to confront her by herself! She thinks seeking mental health therapy is for the birds, and that everyone who does not have her type of education is beneath her. I have put up with her condescending remarks about others for quite some time, and i think I did pretty well considering how long I lasted.
Right now, my husband knows when she is at her mother’s, I will not be present, (which he suggested) so that I 1) don’t have to subject myself to listening to her yelling and being unreasonable because it truly disturbs me emotionally and physically 2) I may let my emotions get the best of me, and tell her truly what I think.
Please keep in mind that I am a practicing Christian, and I want to keep my approach as civil as possible so that I do not regret saying or doing something that will harm me as well. Thanks for in advance for responding.
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Talking will not help and counseling will not help. The only thing you can do is reduce contact or end contact altogether.
Staying away when she is at their mother’s home is a good solution. Your husband and you can both do this. Just try to reduce contact as much as possible or if possible end contact altogether.
She will not change and no amount of talking will resolve anything. All you can do is avoid her.
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I totally agree with sept4 – avoidance is the only way to maintain your sanity and hold your tongue. If you need to be around her, kill her with kindness – or stay completely silent. You can fume and yell and vent when you get home. Your poor husband has put up with her tantrums all his life and he probably feels stuck between the two of you. Let him know that this is an issue you cannot and will not deal with and explain your strategy of “grey rock” so he is on board. Then when she does her condescending, snarky, loud, rude behavior, just smile and walk away. Give your MIL all the love she deserves, but try to schedule it when SIL is not there. Since your BIL has already expressed concern for her mental health, support him in getting her help – this could be early onset dementia. I wish you luck. I, too, have a sister in law that is – to put it mildly – trying on my nerves. Thank heavens she lives on the other side of the country! My sister, who is much more outspoken and volatile than me, has a huge problem when around her, so I came up with a game we play when in her company. We keep score, silently. If SIL does something nice or kind, she gets a plus one, two or three. If she says or acts in her usual overbearing, condescending or back-biting way, she gets a negative one, two or three. Then at the end of the day my sis and I add up the points. It is harmless, and we usually end up laughing about it over our nightly glass of wine – but it relieves the tension and the need (on her part) to respond in kind…because we keep points ourselves too!
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While you are protecting yourself, you might want to be sure your MIL’s will and estate are in order. I would not put it past SIL to try to influence or change the way the inheritance will be distributed. If she is demanding parts of your husband’s inheritance, she will most definitely fight for his part of their Mom’s. I dated a guy whose sister was a sociopath, just like her father. I never met either – just heard the stories and watched how the fallout affected him. He was a nice man, a recovering people-pleaser, and had moved far, far away from both of them. He was raised as second in a field of one – sister was the golden child, got everything she ever wanted, while he was made to work the farm and get a job to pay for anything he needed including college (which his Dad fully funded for sister). His Dad and Mom were long divorced (no surprise there) and he was close with his Mom, if a bit resentful for her complacence with how he was treated. He had a copy of his Mom’s will splitting everything two ways – yet when she died, sister came up with a new will giving HER everything. My friend could never prove it was fraud – but he knew it was. So – be sure MIL is not being unduly influenced. Get copies of whatever paperwork there is. Talk to an attorney to see if anything can be done to protect your husband’s rights. Your MIL might want to transfer assets before her death to be sure nothing goes awry. That is what my friend’s father did because even he did not trust his own daughter.
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fakeradaron – if your SIL was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder, know that this is a precursor to antisocial personality disorder. Given that and her behavior, it’s probably fair to assume that she is a sociopath.
Once a sociopath is an adult, there is no rehabilitation. Counseling will not help. The only thing you and your family can do is protect yourselves.
Since you mentioned menopause, it sounds like she is at least over 40, maybe older. Sociopaths typically get worse as they age. You might want to get my “Senior Sociopaths” book. It has lots of insight – including survivors telling how they dealt with their disordered family members.
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