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I actually have the ability to pleasant and unaffected by my ex-husband for short periods. He not only emotionally abused me for the majority of our 17 yr marriage but had many affairs (one of those he is still involved with) left me financially devastated, drug the divorce out for 3 yrs and has continued to do very hurtful selfish things to our kids. But kids still of course love their parents.
My daughter is graduating high school in May. She has expressed she’d like to ask my brother if we can have it at his house as I was forced to sell the house. But she also said she’d like one party which means inviting her Dad.
My family refuses to be in the same room with him. And frankly I’d be the same way. They have had to step in and help with many things he should have and they have watched me endure great pain. And not to mention the fear of him making everyone feel awkward by his presence and his cavalier behavior. I know my daughter would like him there but I feel she has to understand this is a situation he created and has never attempted nor will attempt to remedy. I feel he needs to plan his own celebration on another day than ours.
Input?
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can you have a party he doesn’t know about? he sounds like he will insist on coming to your party. as they say, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.
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Naturally I appreciate that this is a difficult situation. In spite of that, I have to say that this is your daughter’s party, and she should have the right to invite whoever she wants to it, including her Dad. Telling her “this is a situation he created” is irrelevant to her own need to maintain a relationship with him, and not freeze him out from her celebrations.
Way back when Ann Landers was alive and writing her advice column, she used to advocate a principle she called “Landers’ Law” concerning parties where people who hated each other were candidates for the guest list. What if the host or hostess was friends with both the Smiths and the Joneses, but the Smiths refused to come because they “can’t stand those awful Joneses at any price”? What’s the organizer to do? How can he or she choose whether to invite the Smiths or the Joneses, leaving the other couple out? What Ann always said was “That’s not your problem. If they can’t stand one another, it’s their problem!” Her advice was to invite them both anyway! And if one person or couple chose not to attend because they “couldn’t stand” someone else who was going to be there, that was their decision. At least they could never complain that they “weren’t invited.” And the organizer is not left feeling guilty for having chosen one over the other. If your daughter does have one party for everyone, I hope that others would not turn down the invitation because her Dad was going to be there, because after all, it’s not about him; it’s about your daughter.
Of course, there is another consideration here. If your daughter wants her party held at your brother’s house, her uncle’s, and he refuses to have her Dad there, that’s perfectly within his right “not to have that man in his own house.” If she insists on one party, she may have to find another venue. Good luck sorting all this out, whatever is decided, and let us know how it goes when the time comes!
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redwald good response. this is a very difficult situation.
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Back2beingMe6, this is NOT two normal mind individual’s who divorced, that may still have hurt feelings having to get together for a family graduation. This is a normal mind individual (you) having to deal with your abuser ex sociopath husband. Not the same by a long shot.
My advise is to educate your daughter of what you believe is her fathers mental state and explain the emotional toll & pain he inflected on you thought out your marriage. You don’t have to say “I hate the man” but you can show her the truth about why you dont want him at the party. Tell her it will cause you emotional grief and that you are sorry that you dont have the strength to see her father. She needs to learn the truth as this world will eat her up if she does not get educate.
Most likely, you suffered from PTSD when you lived with this sociopath & during the divorce & thought out child custody process until your daughter turns 18 or maybe if college was part of the divorce settlement.
My advise to you is DO NOT put yourself in mental & emotional harms way again that will cause trauma or PTSD that party day or long term. A victim of a sociopath can be easily triggered. There is no doubt that this sociopath will cause issues at this party i.e. pushing your buttons or your families buttons covertly for fun or something else. Remember sociopaths love to have fun by hurting others thru manipulation, gas lighting etc and are very good at doing it stealthy & covertly.
If you need a place to hold a party, how about a nice park that has bbq & a nice covered patio table area to set up your party in your area. Most county or state parks have very nice areas for large groups in beautiful settings.
You will have to check with the county park & recreation department to see if you can book this area in advance or if you have to arrive early to save the spot. Either way you will have control over who comes once you educate your daughter & explain that you emotional can not handle her father there. If the father shows up unexpectedly then you can call the police if he cause any trouble. YOU have control over the situation not him.
If money is tight ask your family & close friends if they can bring a dish for a “pot luck event”. Pot Luck parties were very popular not to long ago and really is a great way not to stress over running around to gather all the food items & prepare/cook them. Maybe team up with another grad with her family for more pot luck items or even asking each grad to bring a dish to share.
The father can hold his own party on a different day. No doubt he will rant about this but who the HELL cares!! You have endured enough emotional abuse from him, that you have the right now to pick who YOU chose to be around. YES it’s your daughters big day but if she has compassion & empathy for you, she will understand the pain & possible trigger you have been in & see that it will be best all around not to have a sociopath causing mayhem on her special day.
Congratulations for raising a Graduate!!! ??? Good job Grad Mom!!!?
Hugs to you!! take care!
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any update?
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