how to navigate the end of the relationship!

[freya]

Well, I am now convinced that my guy has Narcissistic personality disorder and since the last time I posted here I have been trying to get out of this mess. I have lost 8 lbs, I am now on High B.P. meds. To explain: I knew 3 years ago that there was something really wrong w him, but could not quite pull the plug. Last Aug. he announced that he met someone who wanted to date him. (like a spider, he waits for his victims to come to him). He ghosted me, then said, “well its not a bad thing to fight for your man”. He stopped by my home now and then when he felt like it. Banned sex and would not go hiking w me ( one thing we both loved to do). He admitted he wanted to punish me.
Eventually, I said, “fine” — you have a new woman, why are you still bothering me?” He then back tracked: “No I didn’t have sex w the other woman.(previously said he did) I just sleep there sometimes. I have 5 women who want to marry me, but I only want YOU. I NEED you. We will reset the relationship, blah blah..”. Nothing changed except my health, so I decided I must discover how many of his pronouncements had been lies. I am a pretty adept sleuth. I discovered where he was going in the evenings and who lives there. She looks like a nice person from her facebook page. I told him I will never help him cheat on the next woman (victim?). I also told him to stop coming over. Trouble is that he comes over anyway- (why?!!). I had to hide for 3 hours the other day. I know he will say nasty things about me, but he is probably primarily afraid I will ruin his reputation as ‘Mr. Sweet nice guy’. His narcissistic supply depends on the admiration of all his female students, but I doubt any of them would believe me even if I wanted to mess with his reputation. Question: should I do anything to alert his next victim? I wish someone had sent me an article about N.P.D. 5 years ago. How should I deal w “no Contact” when we are likely to run into ea other even if he does not stop by my house? ( he is a coward so I am not concerned that he is dangerous)

[funluvmusic25]

freya: Yes, you’re finally realizing your guy is a narcissist…….sometimes it takes awhile to unravel their lies as we gain more knowledge about disordered personalities. Normal people do not behave the way they do, so we can’t understand how someone could be so devious. They hijack our normal beliefs in ways that are unthinkable, we become addicted to their charm and before we know it we are all in.

The fact that your health has been affected is reason enough to go NC and never look back. Stress can also be a silent menace to our health and you don’t need to allow him to do this to you any longer. We all would like to warn others, yet they would only look at us as scorned, crazy women who have a vendetta against their new love interest. After all, the N is in the love bombing stage with his new victim and most likely on his best behavior.

The best thing you can do is block him on every device- your phones, your social media accounts, etc. Lock your doors and change the locks if need be and DO NOT answer your door. If he continues to come over and harass you, peruse a restraining order if you feel he could become a danger to you.

My ex-N thankfully lived out of state, but he was also very lazy so he never has attempted to contact me in the past year since I blocked him from calling me. It doesn’t surprise me- over 8 years of our long distance relationship I probably received only 5 cards at best and any of his grand promises never came to fruition. Their egos are enormous and for us to suddenly leave the unhealthy relationship without warning and to go NC is a huge dent to their ego and they soon move on to charm some other unsuspecting victim.

Use your energy to take care of yourself and your health. Warning their victims or ruining the narcissist’s so-called reputation only adds to our own stress and is not worth it in the end. Stay strong and take care of yourself. This site is an amazingly helpful forum! Blessings to you.

[emilie18]

freya – congratulations on recognizing this fool for what he really is and kicking him out of your life. I agree with funlovemusic25 on blocking all potential contact points – cellphone, email, online sites, home phone – and changing locks, closing shutters and walking away when you spot him in public. You might want to invest in a doorbell camera or outside video, too. Give yourself a heads up (and proof of harassment). He will get tired of having to try so hard – these types are inherently lazy. The only reason he is sniffing around is to keep you on the backburner. You are worth so much more than that. I also agree that trying to warn others just won’t work – I tried that and although the next victim after me eventually did get hold of me, it wasn’t until after he had stolen lots of money and put her thru the ringer. We tried to warn #3 and she shot us down, calling us bitter and jealous. I eventually heard he stole from her, too. Be glad he is out of your life, and go live your best life!

[freya]

Thankyou Funluvmusic and Emelie,

I am feeling a sense of relief, already. I have been conflicted about him for so long. Many statements that he made over the years felt SO wrong that I blocked them or assumed he did not really mean them. For example, he said he liked ‘weak’ women, that he had a list of qualities he needed from a woman and if he didn’t get them he would toss her aside. (admiration, obedience, regular sex, among other things) If the next woman didn’t fulfill those needs, he would toss her aside and move on. I don’t know why he held on to me since I did not check all the boxes.

Maybe this is farfetched but his last girlfriend was besotted with him and became very sick within a few years of their relationship. She died in her 40s, poor thing. I sometimes wonder if he drained the life out of her!

Anyway, you folks, and Donna are doing a wonderful thing helping people put a name to the dysfunction and a path out of it.

Thankyou again

[funluvmusic25]

freya: you are definitely not alone in overlooking or ignoring some of the outrageous statements our narcissists have made. They all seem to have their list of demands…..my ex did not want a weak woman saying he could walk all over her. He would often say he enjoyed the feisty side of me although he stated on several occasions if we moved in together he would be the boss…..ha! They also do not even notice how outrageous their statements are- they are almost laughable. They also seem to be very emotionally immature…..almost childish. As emilie18 mentioned they are also inherently lazy taking advantage of everyone else they can manipulate. My ex promised me a new car, expensive designer handbags thinking that would impress me. None of it meant a thing to me. As I mentioned I received all of 5 greeting cards over an 8 year time span……….seriously what made me stay?! I was emotionally addicted and it does take some time to recover even when you discover their lies or cheating.

I’m glad you are feeling some relief knowing you are not missing a thing without him. Life does get better and we’re all rooting for each other. Stay strong…….you are worth it!

[Love&Pain]

My narc left me after 7 1/2 years. I’ve known for sometime that our relationship was not normal. He is charming for a few weeks then gets mad at me for something petty. My entire heart belonged to him even after all the emotional abuse. However, I miss him so much. This is the first time he blocked me from calling him or texting him, but he allows me to message him on FB. He refuses to talk to me. I believed he was my best friend. I am feeling like the narc as I message him every few days to tell him I miss him, but he doesn’t respond. I have known for years that our relationship was different, but I accepted us. Why do I miss him so much, why do I feel I need him. When I think about the unknown, I have anxiety attacks. It happened so sudden. He has split before but not to this extent. I think he also has BPD. He is so mean, why do I want to continue this.

[funluvmusic25]

Love&Pain: I’m so sorry you are experiencing such pain. Please know this is like going through the 5 stages of grief. We all have been guilty of staying too long and accepting the emotional abuse in spite of the fact that our heart knows the relationship is not normal. The disordered personalities enjoy our pain and enjoy any attention we give them, be it negative or positive. This is their way of controlling the outcome. Even though it was a long relationship remember, it wasn’t real. They have no emotions, empathy and aren’t capable of loving someone. They can only mimic or mirror our emotions. They are not hard- wired like normal people and they hijack all of our emotions. We believe we can change them or things will get better, but the harder we try the more things stay the same. It’s like they keep moving the goal posts or changing the rules. We never win at their game.

You will endure cognitive dissonance which will have you remember all of the good times and ignore the bad times. It can confuse you making you long for the most minimal interaction with him. This can be one of the biggest challenges of your healing, but in time it does get better. Allow yourself to be angry, sad and anything else that helps you realize how dysfunctional things really were. Shut down all communication with him, blocking him from all of your devices. No Contact is the only way to get over him. Concentrate on moving on with your healing……..journal, take long meditative walks, post on this sight, talk with friends while you take time to heal and rest. It takes time and time heals all. You deserve to feel normal and not question a dysfunctional relationship. This site is a phenomenal source of information and support. Take one day at a time putting one foot in front of the other.
We have all been there and know what your pain feels like. I wish you strength as you find your way …………..it does get better.

[freya]

Love&Pain,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Its hard to say what makes some of us particularly vulnerable to these people. They are typically charming and many of us grew up with narcissistic parents so it feels familiar.
If your ex periodically leaves you in pain and confusion, than he cannot be described as your “best friend”. Remember that “best friends’ have your back. Best friends are there for you in bad times as well as good times. You didn’t describe the relationship in detail but I hope he didn’t isolate you from your true friends. You need their support now.

Keep a journal and write down all the shitty things that happened during your relationship. Read it everyday. Study the work and wisdom about narcissism that is readily available on the internet. Do not focus on the parts that you miss. You will go through a rumination period. (I am still swimming in those waters). Remind yourself that you can use this experience as a life lesson that can make you stronger and wiser. A loving relationship should not be a draining relationship. I think about that a lot. In a way I pity the woman my ex narc has taken up with. She may well make him happier than I did, but it will be at a cost.

Stay strong

[funluvmusic25]

Very well said, freya! I agree, most of us are vulnerable to the disordered personality because it does feel familiar ………..familiar to what we grew up with if our parents were narcissists or if our family life was dysfunctional.

We are led to believe our partner is out “best friend” because we pour our hearts out to them while they pretend to listen and console us. Instead they are using our vulnerability against us finding ways to manipulate and control us.

As you become stronger and wiser the scales do tip in our favor and we are able to see through all of their lies and empty promises. We then begin to remember all of the cruel and stupid things they’ve done and any so-called good memories fade as we find more clarity. And as freya stated, a truly loving relationship should not be a draining relationship that leaves you in shambles. Continue to focus on your well being and healing.

[Love&Pain]

Thank you for the advice. I tend to come here when I start to feel alone.

It was 4 days without contact. I have been listening to audio books and reels. One thing that dawned on me is that he is an “avoidant” I wasn’t aware of this term, but the more I analyzed our relationship, it makes perfect sense.

Last night, I made myself vurabable. I did something I normally would never do. I made a video of me singing a love song. I love to sing. I sent to him last night without a response, which then pushed me back 5 days. I just want him to talk to me. I want him to know that I am here. I feel I need this to move on. Why do I want to be with someone like that is the number #1 question. Because it’s all that I know. I have invested so much, because I love him, because we do have beautiful memories. I rather put up with his crap then start with someone new. I know he is mentally ill, I have tried to fix him. I know I can’t. Doesnt he realize all of love and time and support I’ve given him? Does he not miss me?We had a petty argument it just seems so ridiculous.

If he has moved on over the last 3 weeks with someone new, I need to know. This will help with me to cope.I have a therapy appointment Monday morning which I recognize I need on a regular basis. I just need to see him.

[funluvmusic25]

Love&Pain: This is a great place to come to when you are feeling alone. I’ve done the same thing and have also questioned why I felt the way I did without my ex-N. There is the longing, the memories of better times and the emptiness we feel without them. It is a love addiction going on- we become emotionally addicted to their presence, their voice, their messages…..even their phone number coming up on our caller ID’s. I can only speak for myself personally, but the relationship with my ex-N felt familiar. Familiar to the chaos, abuse and dysfunction I grew up in. When “normal” personalities came my way it felt foreign to me. My ex-N was anything but normal. The lesson I learned from my relationship is that I do need an emotionally present partner, however the disordered personalities pretend to be that for their own gain and manipulation. In the end they use it against us. One positive realization you made is that any attempt to contact him sets you back further…….who wants to keep going backwards?! Please know that any attention you give him is enjoyable for him – it puffs up their ego and they enjoy our pain because that means they can still control us.

You don’t need to know if he’s moved on to someone else. He’s probably had many on the side during your relationship. Do you want to be the “side-chick” when he eventually gets bored with whoever he is currently with? Do you want to be a back-up plan when he feels like “hoovering” back? No one deserves to be “less than” for anyone! I’m glad to hear you will be seeking therapy. Sometimes we need someone else’s perspective and someone to boost our self esteem. As time passes you will come to realize many things about your relationship that were off and not normal. The things my ex-N used to say were laughable and very juvenile. I too thought things would change and try my hardest I could not “fix” him and nothing changed. For me, after 8 years, I finally realized nothing would ever come to fruition and I was tired of being treated like crap as his mask started to dramatically slip. I blocked him going NC for what is now almost 14 months. After a year of NC I received a holiday card from him this year. I’m sure he thought he could get a rise out of me……….instead I feel nothing but smug knowing he was the one to reach out, yet his stupid card does nothing for me. I will either take delight in burning it or see that its final resting place will be some dirty, stinky landfill.
They don’t have any emotions ………nothing is real to them and every feeling they try to display is manufactured. You don’t need to see him or know if he found someone else. It would only add to your pain and set you back further. They will continue looking for some type of response from us…….it’s a game to them. Don’t give him that satisfaction.
Best thing you can do is block him at every turn of the corner and work on your own well being.
Continue coming to this site, read all you can get your hands on and seek the therapy you need. Sing for yourself while you heal and become stronger. You CAN and WILL get through this …………you’ve got this!

[freya]

I second everything that funluvmusic said but I would also like to add something: You haven’t provided enough information for us to be sure of the dynamic you and your ex-boyfriend are coping with. Also, we are not trained therapists and can only provide a bit of support.

As a general rule, the more inner strength and confidence you develop, the healthier your relationships will be. Are you young? If so, I guarantee you will meet potential mates many times. Choosing relationships (friends and boyfriends) that support you in your development as a whole strong woman is very important… I say this as someone who always tried too hard to ‘please’- to my detriment and many mistakes. Do seek out therapy and remember that all break-ups are hard. It takes time. Take care of yourself.

[Love&Pain]

Thank you Freyea and funluvmusic25. So today, I am thinking I am the narcissist and perhaps being a crazy ex girlfriend. This is a game and I’m loosing drastically. My friends ask why I am wasting so much energy on someone who treats me so badly? It is sad, but it’s all I know. He shuts down, ghosts me and then I chase him until things are back to good. This has happened over and over and over. When things are good, my brain thinks, “when is the axe falling?” Then it happens. Wash, rinse, repeat. I should have been the one to walk away, block him, and never look back for all the craziness he had done to myself and my children. But, I swept everything under the carpet just to avoid conflict. I have not gotten angry and I have not called him out on all the things he has done to me. Stealing, cheating, lying, mental abuse. Selling my things without my knowledge, etc. just to keep the relationship going because the good is good and he makes me feel so special.

Just typing the above makes me sick that I would continue to allow this and why would I want someone like that in my life.

It certainly continues to be an addiction, but again, it’s all I know.

I am looking forward to my therapy tomorrow. I will take everyone’s advice and I hope I find the strength to walk away and never look back, but it’s going to take sometime. I can’t imagine, right now, to live a life without him, but it will come from what I read.

[funluvmusic25]

Love&Pain: Don’t sell yourself short……you are not the crazy ex-girlfriend. You are the recipient of a long standing relationship filled with mental abuse and emotional addiction. These things alone can make you question yourself. There seems to be a pattern of him ghosting you and you chasing him until things are good again. He relies on this pattern, but also enjoys your pain. While he disappears he more than likely is enjoying attention from his new source of supply as he waits for you to chase him down. It’s time to do something different ……….remember, the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome.

As freya mentioned we don’t know the details nor are we trained therapists. We can only offer our experiences and support. What we don’t know is ……….your age, the age of your children, is this the only long term relationship you’ve experienced, etc? When there are children involved it breaks my heart to think they are witnessing this type of relationship. It sets a poor example for them as to how they will view relationships going forward. Your number one priority is your children…….they deserve a healthy, stable environment.

He makes you feel so good when as you say, “ the good is good.” There is a method to his madness…….he lays on the charm so he can continue to lie, steal, cheat and abuse you. He is very adept at reading you. Can you honestly say you want this for the next 5, 10 or 20 years of your life?

I’m so very proud of my adult son who has gone on to be a very good husband and father. I chose to break the cycle from my dysfunctional life growing up so he could flourish and thrive. In spite of my divorce, my son still believes in marriage, loyalty, honesty and integrity. When he first heard some of the details of my ex-N my son intuitively knew he was bad news. After some of my wash, rinse, repeat cycles my son gave me an ultimatum to end the relationship. I understood what he was saying, but by then I was addicted to “how special” my ex made me feel. That said, I kept my relationship under wraps and a secret from my son. I hated doing that as I always instilled honesty while raising my son. When I finally came to my senses having endured blatant disrespect from my ex, I established NC without warning. I was done! I’ll admit, it wasn’t easy ………there was a huge void and emptiness that drove me crazy, yet I was determined not to give in and give him anymore power over me. What I will say is I now feel empowered and feel more my authentic self knowing I am not hiding this situation from my son. My relationship with my son will always be more important than sacrificing myself to my ex-N.

I am very proud of you for seeking therapy and wish you all the best with your appointment tomorrow. This is the start of something new that you can be proud of too. He doesn’t have to be all you know …………..you are embarking on a new beginning for both yourself and your children. Sending you peace and support.

PS: Taking a suggestion from emilie18, this afternoon I plan to burn the holiday card I received from my ex-N. Amen!

[funluvmusic25]

Pain&Love: Here’s a couple of inspirational quotes………..

“Make your life an exclamation not an explanation”

“Hope is an action not an emotion”

[Love&Pain]

Love the inspirational quote.

I just turned 50 years old. I was with my ex husband for 19 years then met the narc afterwards. I thought he was my true soul mate. There were red flags in the beginning, but I was so hung up on the attraction, attention, kindness, small gestures, that I had never experienced before. Despite the many issues along the way and, warnings from my friends and his co-workers, I still felt that the good outweighed the bad. How could someone treat me as their queen, refer me as his wife, and show me so much love, be so disrespectful, evil, downright mean like I never meant anything to him.

He always coached me what to say to my kids or family and even work when I would go to his with issues. He is a very intelligent man, and I thought he knew better than me.

The recent event happened regarding a quilt – I had been looking for my quilt I had bought many years ago. It was expensive and I really loved it. It had gone missing when I moved out. I kept the shams as I figured it would turn up. I would ask the ex-narc over the years if he had ever come across it “ no, never seen it”. Fast forward last month. I stayed at his house. I couldn’t sleep and went into the spare room. The narc put a blanket on me, it was dark. When I woke in the morning, I could not believe my eyes, it was my quilt that he had laid on top of me. I was so angry, that he had it all this time and he did not say a word. I got up, packed the quilt and left while he was still sleeping in the other room.

We continued our regular chats and routine. I didn’t bring up the quilt as I knew it would cause conflict. A week later I was at his house having wine and chatting. He mentioned about the blanket and that he was looking for it. He asked what I did with it. I told him I took it as it belonged to me. Hell broke loose. I had now stolen things out of his house. I explained, I do not take things that do not belong to me, that it belonged to me and he should have told me that he had it. He escorted me out of his house and said that he couldn’t trust me as I had taken something out of his house without him knowing. Perhaps I should have told him I took it, but it was mine. Now he is making things up that an another item is missing from his home and that I must have taken it. 🙄

He blocked me on texts and phone, but allows communication through FB messenger, even though he has unfriended me. He tells me his distrust in me is unhealthy and he cannot trust me anymore. He has accused me of cheating, etc. over a quilt that belonged to me?

I should have been the one to block him and run, but yet here I am trying to find peace and hoping we can work things out. Therapy can’t come fast enough.

I have been taken off work for 2 months due to the stress and depression I am under. I feel guilt that I didn’t tell him and confront him, but history would have dictated itself and out of fear, I just took it.

He still currently sits on my sofa every day, his TV on my tvstand. My decorative pictures on his wall, drinks out of my glasses and mugs. Things that belong to me, that I paid for, and I can’t even ask for them back and to be honest, it’s not worth the stress. I won’t get into my swimming pool that I paid for and installed where he sold it under my nose without my permission. Lord help me.

[funluvmusic25]

Love&Pain: Once you are away from him, surprisingly clarity will come to you and all of the worst of him will far outweigh any of the small gestures of kindness he might have shown you. All of the red flags that made you think this relationship was off will be a glaring shade of red as you recount all of the incidents he created. The fact he denied having your quilt when you specifically asked him about should tell you so much about his lack of integrity. Unfortunately, we always give them the benefit of the doubt so we don’t make waves, cause an argument or our worst fear……lose them. It sounds ridiculous when he now says he can’t trust you! It’s amazing how arrogant they are!

I too was in a long term marriage of 24 years. I wasn’t ready to date while we were separated. I kept hope alive thinking we’d reconcile, but after moving back home for a short two weeks my ex-husband hadn’t changed a thing. In fact he was still in contact with a girlfriend from his work that he became involved with. After that realization I told my attorney “ full steam ahead with the divorce.” I started dating once our divorce became final. I had no desire to remarry and looking back I had many fun and interesting relationships. None of these nor their break-ups were anything like my relationship with my ex-N. I too thought my ex-N was my soul mate and never knew what a narcissistic relationship was like. We had chemistry and immediately clicked. I remember one statement he made that was so bold ……..he said if we got married and he moved into my home he would want his name on the title of my home. Wait, what???!!! A home I fought for in my divorce, took out a loan in my name and made all of the payments? Are you serious?! I didn’t call him out on that thinking it would only cause an argument with him getting on his high horse and acting all arrogant. We did have a parting of the ways many times during our eight years, but thankfully he lived two states away so that may have been a blessing in disguise. One time I suggested that I step aside while he figured things out. His reply was, “I’ll be the one to say when it’s over.” Funny, but in the end I didn’t give him that choice, so the joke’s on him! There was another time I was frustrated and told him I can’t do this anymore…….he didn’t have time to talk saying he’d call me later. When I said no don’t call, he said “I don’t take no for an answer.” Arrogant and demanding and never taking blame or responsibility for anything! Yep, Narcissists 101 – we learn a lot !

You have to ask yourself why you hope you can work things out, why you are the one feeling guilty and why you still want him in your life? To have stress and depression is not a life anyone wants. Listen to your friends and family and allow your therapist to help you make sense of everything. Change can only come from you and you have the power to make a change for yourself.

[freya]

Love & Pain,

I can only add to the advice you have already received that you should make sure that your therapist is well versed in the antics of people with N.A.P.D. It seems that not all therapists “get it”. I know that my ex b.f. went to a therapist with his former wife. He charmed the therapist and pretty soon she sided with him- even though he was unfaithful and untruthful to his wife during their entire marriage. He even had a child with another woman. Of course, being a narc, he told me it was all his wife’s fault.

I also recommend mindfulness mediation. It has helped me accept that many things in life are transitory. Acceptance of this fact is helpful if not easy. My family and friends never liked my ex boyfriend and now that they know he was cheating and lying the entire 6 years, they will never tolerate him. I will always choose my family over someone I clearly cannot trust. It is simply impossible to build a relationship w/o a foundation of trust.

I like the “Waking Up” site for meditation and a great deal of wisdom. Judson Brewer has an app to help people with addictions- including the rumination that follows a painful break-up. There is “10% happier” and many other sites.
Good healing to you!

[funluvmusic25]

Love&Pain & freya:
I totally agree with freya’s statement regarding family – always choosing family over the narc. Family can see him for who he really is while our views are clouded by our love- addiction and our emotional ties to him. That’s exactly where the narc wants us-isolated from family and friends, so they can continue their sick game. Family has our best interests at heart, the narc does not. And as freya stated, trust is paramount in any relationship.

Also the suggestions for meditation put you in control of your path to healing. You will be doing something positive for yourself. Wishing you continued healing.

[freya]

I am afraid I need to vent about my life.

A progress report: 2 steps forward, one step back? I saw my narcissistic ex- boyfriend yesterday (at his request) since I discovered the truth about his extra curricular activities. I never expected him to apologize for seeing other women, I merely hoped for an apology for lying about it. (There is such a thing as “ethical polyamory”).
He denies lying, so lets call it ‘deceiving’. Anyhow, instead of an apology I received an attack from both barrels. According to him, I am “depressed, unloving, and controlling.” He thinks I should have “stopped him from seeing other women”. (Isn’t that controlling?!) When I ask him in what way I was controlling, he seemed to allude to the fact that I sometimes failed to come running to his side when I was busy with friends. Obviously, when a person is gaslighting, they don’t make a lot of sense. He said his has behaved properly; everything is my fault. He told me that he cannot be happy unless he is fully in charge and that he likes weak women. That if I want him, I must be completely OBEDIENT. I remarked that most American women would run a mile if they heard that statement. He claimed that all of his previous girlfriends were happy with his ‘benign dictatorship”. That he doesn’t believe that a relationship can be a “partnership”. I mentioned that most of the men in my life have been dominant males, but none would have demanded total control. I suggested his attitude might have its roots in his culture (Iranian). His rage peaked: According to him,(although he never met these people) my ex-boyfriend was “using me”, and my husband “probably never loved me” and besides I “smell”! I shook my head and said “you are just being cruel, now” and departed.

To sum it up, if I’d heard his narcissism on full display this way years ago, I would not have wasted so much time. The result is that I can no longer deny that life with him would have made me miserable. I find these latest conversations incredible and nauseating, but it helps me face the reality about him. I cannot figure out why he asks to see me at all since he claims to have half a dozen “weak women” hoping to marry him!?

[funluvmusic25]

Oh freya, I’m sorry you had to endure his ranting. It just proves how they lure us into communicating or seeing them and then proceed to start up the hamster wheel all over again. They never take any responsibility for their own actions. At best, anything closely resembling an apology is robotic and insincere. His ranting is beyond cruel and I’m proud of you for making your exit. My ex-N used to tell me he never had a problem getting a woman and that my previous ex’s were not “real” men. During our last and final conversation my ex-N blamed me for making him react the way he does. He said for every action there is a reaction. You have to wonder what color the sky is in their world?!

If nothing else you have the clarity of knowing life with him would be miserable……and indeed it would. Thank you for having the courage to relay this recent event. I applaud your strength! Keep the steps going forward.

On a side note………yesterday I took my ex’s holiday card outside trying to burn it, but the elements didn’t allow it to fully burn. That said, I took it inside, put it in a cast iron skillet and burned it down to ashes. I allowed the ashes to cool, wrapped them in a wet paper towel and put them in my trash bin. Wednesday is my trash pick-up day, so by then they will be transferred to a dirty landfill where they most certainly belong. It left me feeling empowered knowing I will not be tempted to pick up the card, look at his signature and start ruminating. Done and done!

[freya]

Funluv, thanks so much for sharing. We seem to have a lot in common and I find that some of my friends make unhelpful comments like; “He sounds like an asshole, but you allowed it “. “Just tell him to get lost”. The confusion that Narcs create is hard for others to appreciate, so it helps to communicate w you. My ex also blamed me for making him mad!

It took me a long time, but I am convinced that I know my ex much better than he knows himself. I realize that he does not really want a “weak woman”. He wants a woman who is strong enough to manage his behavior, while giving him the ILLUSION that he is in control. She must be forgiving enough to give him unconditional love -even when he misbehaves. For example: his ideal woman would be pretty, blonde and wealthy, would fund his life but allow him to choose its allocation. Someone who arranges and pays for entertainment but gives him the power to choose the details. I realize that I don’t want to be a grown man’s ‘Mommy’, and I am not capable of that difficult, selfless, balancing act. His previous girlfriend seemed to have been close to his emotional ideal, but she resorted to eating to relieve stress and became very sick within a few years. She was confined to their 2nd floor apartment but continued to try hard to make him happy. Then she died. I pity her.

I know some people w NPD throw money around to impress people. My ex spends as little as possible so he can accumulate a sizeable nest egg. It makes him feel proud and powerful, but it has happened at the expense of all his girlfriends/wife. I guess all these guys are a little different and it seems important to realize that they don’t check all the same boxes, necessarily.

Something else I have been thinking about, Funluv, is ‘meta-cognition’. My brother has dementia and therefore has the absence of meta-cognition. He is completely unaware of his condition or thought processes. It strikes me that people w N.P.D., also lack meta cognition. It may be one reason they are so confusing. The gaslighting is probably instinctive not planned. I have read about people who did hallucinogens w their NPD partner and thought they had a break through. Self knowledge etc. Within a short period of time, however, the partner’s ego barriers asserted themselves just as before and the abuse resumed. What are your thoughts?

[funluvmusic25]

freya: I agree, friends did not understand how an intelligent, feisty woman like me could accept my ex-N’s behavior. After awhile they grew tired of listening to my stories when things were not going well. It didn’t happen overnight, yet as I reflect it was the grooming and love bombing that kept me coming back for more. When things were not good I tried so hard to bring the relationship back to the love bombing stage. Those that have never experienced this type of relationship have no idea of what it’s like.

My ex-N wanted me to really know him, understand him and give him unconditional love. Yet when pressed for details he would say he’s a very private person and I was being too nosy. It was a convenient way of keeping his behavior very secretive.

In essence, I feel they lack confidence and try to impress by way of acting macho or promising luxury items that would never come to fruition. Just because my ex-N was very impressed by designer names, flashy cars, etc. he thought I would be too. When I voiced my assessment of his behavior he would say, “ oh, now you think you’re a physiologist.” I think my assessments hit a nerve, but he would never admit I might be on to something. I think your analogies of your ex’s wants and desires are spot on. In their mind they are constantly looking for that “perfect” woman. I do feel your ex’s culture contributes to the lack of respect he has for women in general. Although I would agree, these personalities do not always check the same boxes.

Honestly, I’m not familiar with Meta-cognition so I may have to research that more. It sounds like hallucinogenics are not the complete answer or solution. My ex-N blamed PTSD a lot and made it clear that any woman he ended up with would need to understand this. Basically, he would say if he was treating me badly to just ignore him and he would come around to his normal self (whatever that was) later and things would be fine. In my opinion he was using this diagnosis as a disability in order to collect more money from the government as a veteran. I say that because he served in the Navy and was nowhere near the war (Viet Nam) instead he got to travel to many different beautiful countries. He used to tell me he was “worldly.” Oh the crap they can dish out! It’s not to say that many, many veterans do indeed suffer from PTSD, yet when it comes to my ex-N I’m not sure it’s real.

[funluvmusic25]

freya: after doing some googling and reading more about meta-cognition I would agree they lack meta-cognition. I also would be be surprised if any narcissist would be open to any type of exploration or treatment to help them learn about why they do what they do. You need to be open minded and actually think you could benefit from something that might help the way you approach things. They’re too arrogant to actually realize how ignorant they are.

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