How to protect my ex?

[bluraven86]

Hi, this is my first post here and I know it may not be the best place, but I don’t know where else to turn.

My ex-wife and I share a pretty amicable friendship. We still talk daily, mostly about the kids, and we schedule activities together as a family because we both agreed that our children should have that family dynamic regardless of our romantic status. She’s had boyfriends and I’ve had girlfriends and they usually meet the ex because that’s a significant part of our lives.

That being said, the guy she is currently seeing bothers me. Not in the jealous sort of way, but in the “this guy doesn’t seem right” sort of way. My gut just tells me something is off. I started to get suspicious when after texting online for a month and a half and spending two weeks actually together, he talked about marrying her. She’s a good woman and all, but that’s seriously way too fast for something that big. Then I hear about how things are always on his schedule. She gets stood up for meetups or whatever because something comes up in his life, and things come up REALLY often. The last straw (why I’m more looking for advise) was over this last weekend when we had planned a family movie night on Saturday. She gets a phone call and ended up bailing on me and the kids because, and I quote, “He might not be able to see me at any other time this week.” I’ve discussed this with some mutual friends of ours, and they told me that he is like her drug. She is immensely happy when she is with him, but depressed and moody when he’s not around. I tried talking to her about it last night, bringing up the kids missing out on a family night with her because of it all. She is SUPER defensive when it comes to talking about him, more so than she has been with any other boyfriend to date. The discussion ended with her being mad at me, but no progress in her seeing exactly how this guy is affecting her.

So I know this guy is bad news, I felt it the first time I met him. But she obviously cares for him, and I do believe that is genuine. I would love for him to just go away, but I can’t wish that on her, so now I’m just wondering how I can get her to realize that she needs to establish some firm boundaries with this guy and one of them needs to be that he respects her time and commitments. I don’t want our kids to have another “family night” with just dad and have to tactfully deflect all the questions that come from that.

What can I do to get her to see what he is doing and to stop it? This guy may not be a narc or sociopath or whatever, but he makes my spidey-senses go haywire and I don’t like the direction things are currently going.

[Donna Andersen]

Bluraven86 – you are absolutely correct to be concerned. What you are describing is a classic case of sociopathic seduction. He sounds disordered and controlling, and she sounds addicted.

You might want to get my book – “Red Flags of Love Fraud – 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.” It explains the warning signs.

As far as what to do with your ex – it can be really difficult. As you have found, bringing up concerns makes her defensive, which is typical. Plus it will play into what he is telling her – “Your ex wants to keep us apart.”

You do want to maintain contact, because he will try to isolate her. Perhaps you can try to insist that your family activities continue uninterrupted. That will keep you and the kids together, hopefully with her.

Actually, I do hope he goes away. That would be the best solution.

Red Flags of Love Fraud (ebook or softcover)

[bluraven86]

Thank you. I will pick it up and give it a read. Maybe I can leave it at her place afterward for some non-confrontational information sharing. Thank you for your response and quickness. I’m glad my spidey-senses aren’t all wrong.

[Sunnygal]

This is difficult. She will probably defend him. Hang in there for your kids.

[angelstar]

Make sure she protects her assets, cause if he is really a sociopath then maybe there might be something in the relationship the he wants to exploit. Him being flaky like that, and her getting love-bombed and seduced is definitely some red flags.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by angelstar.

[Sunnygal]

how is it going?

[bluraven86]

Well, good news is she hasn’t cut me out of her life, and I was able to give her the book, though I can’t make her read it. Just the title I think is enough to at least make her curious and read it.
I was able to establish that family time is family time and shouldn’t be interrupted. She was agreeable to that and apologized to the kids for the last incident.
From what I’ve been able to tell, this guy is starting to show his colors in ways that she is starting to notice. Her biggest thing is not feeling like a priority to him, so in addition to the immediate benefit of family time, that conversation also allowed me to show that she and her time is a priority to those who love her, so it’s starting to undermine some of his control.
I won’t start thinking things are better until he’s well and truly gone. But I’m more hopeful that will happen sooner rather than later.

[Sunnygal]

Good news! they all show their true colors eventually.

[Author]

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