How to cope with being lied about?

[harry1997]

From reading other entries in the forum, it seems like others as well as myself, have written about how the sociopath lies to others ABOUT us and makes us perceived as crazy or us having something wrong.
In my case,he’s been lying to his friends about me to keep us separate for the duration of 5 years. He would say I’m unsociable, I wouldn’t be comfortable with them, he can’t be himself around me,etc. He told them I had eating disorders so I wouldn’t dine out with them (I have suffered from one a few years ago caused by the intense stress of his gambling) but I’m more than capable of eating out as we often did that together. He lied in every way possible to keep us separate for an unknown reason.

But after last weekend, he would of definitely told his friends that I went over to his parents house. I did this after discovering he was using me for intimacy for months, as well as potentially seeing another woman at the same time. Just to clarify, I went to his parents (he lives at home with them) PURELY to just finalise all of this and ask them to keep their son away from me.
I’m certain he’ll now make me out to his friends and this other girl that I’m a jealous and psycho ex, YET I’m
sure he won’t mention that he was still being intimate with me and playing me along this time..which was OBVIOUSLY going to cause a reaction from me when I found out about the other women. This new, potential girlfriend will clearly be told lies and twisted stories about me to make me sound crazy or controlling,etc and it’s this that I want to ask about!?!

How do I stop feeling uncomfortable and paranoid about what he’s saying about me? I keep spending time thinking of what he might have against me or how he’s portraying me and who will believe him? Is there a way to prove myself?

Also,
As he finds it so easy to make up these lies about me and won’t hesitate in doing so, why do I feel I shouldn’t speak out about him? Why do I still feel that even though he’s done wrong to me and will happily accuse me of anything to suit him, why do I feel that I still owe him respect or decency?
I did ONCE tell people about some of his lies and gambling but ended up BACKTRACKING and asking them not to say anything to anyone because I didn’t want him knowing they knew? I DIDN’T feel better by telling anyone either but equally, there was a part of me that wanted everyone to know! It’s like a confusion of what to do?!
He was never physical or violent towards me so I don’t threatened like that but I feel intimidated by his lies and knowing how capable he can be in spinning the truth and how believable he can be?
What’s the best thing to do in this situation?
Thank you

• This topic was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by harry1997.
• This topic was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by harry1997.
• This topic was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by harry1997.

[Donna Andersen]

Harry1997 – First of all, let me say that everything you are thinking and feeling is NORMAL for someone who has been through what you’ve been through. Many, many people have had the same concerns about how to handle to sociopaths lies about them. In fact, your concerns are so normal that I’ve already made a video to address them:

About telling others about his behavior – All of the considerations regarding warning the next victim also apply when telling others about his behavior. I see nothing wrong with telling people about his behavior – IF YOU CAN DO IT SAFELY.

It’s probably not a good idea to tell people now, because you are so churned up about his recent devalue and discard. The key to being believed is to be able to talk about what happened in a calm, confident and matter-of-fact way. You may be too upset to do it now. But there is no rush and no time limit. Once you’re feeling more centered, you may have an opportunity to calmly tell some of the friends the truth.

Keep in mind that if you and your ex know the same people, it may be ver difficult to convince them to believe you rather than him. Why? Because he is such a convincing liar. So it may turn out that you need to cut some of those people out of your life, as you’re cutting him out of your life.

[sept4]

Hi Harry, I’m so sorry about what you are going through.

You asked “why do I feel I shouldn’t speak out about him?“ Well you probably have a trauma bond. A trauma bond is a psychological reaction to emotional abuse that causes the victim to bond to her abuser and feel loyal to him. It’s the same dynamic as Stockholm Syndrome in hostage situations and Battered Women Syndrome in physical abuse situations.

I have a question for you. When you went to his parents to tell them about him, how did they react? I never exposed my ex to his parents as I assumed they would not believe me and I was afraid of his retaliation. So I’m curious how they reacted to you and if they believed you.

[harry1997]

Thank you so much Donna and Sept4💕

The video was brilliant,I found it really helpful and everything you said was down to a tee. I’m thankful for your incredible advice and I completely agree that I need to be more stable and calm if I decide I want to tell others the truth.

I also looked up about this trauma bond that Sept4 mentioned and I generally believe this would explain a lot about how I feel.
Although I exposed him to his parents as a way of trying to finalise his games and abuse, I knew they might’ve understood as they have experienced living with him through 10 years of gambling and cons. They bailed him out of hundreds of thousands worth of debt and have experienced much of his lies and deceit first hand themselves. His parents are aware that he doesn’t treat people right because his Father once told him during an argument that he doesn’t know how to treat women. Therefore,they did believe that he could treat me badly like this.

I don’t know whether he convinced them differently when I was gone but for the time I was there, they listened to what I was saying and eventually told me I need to find someone better who won’t hurt me because unfortunately their son isn’t the one for me.
They are aware that he has some sort of issue and this WASN’T the first time something like this had happened with us.

They hadn’t seen me for about two months since we split up so they were shocked to see me at the weekend, especially when he was shouting and trying to get me out. He was yelling over me to deflect what I was saying but his mother told him ‘don’t speak to her like you speak to us’. I know he can be very verbal and overpoweringly loud which is very intimidating but his mother can be the same as well. Admittedly, I was very emotional and wasn’t calm when I was talking and he was angry and heated. He told them to get ‘her’ out the house but when they replied no, he went to his room and left me in the kitchen with them. I’m convinced he did this to take the time to think of a story and some lies he could use when I was gone. I repeated to them that he’s been lying about me to his friends (that I never met) and has been sleeping with me since we split but now potentially he’s been seeing ‘seeing someone else’ at the same time and that he text the night after saying he ‘uses me’.
They apologised to me but said unfortunately said he’s 30 and doesn’t tell us anything. Boys will be boys and it looks like he’s given you false hope and messed with your life. They said he does what he wants and after all,unless she ties him to the bed,she cannot control him.

I have no idea what happened after I left but I’m sure he had taken the time in his room to think of some lies to tell his parents when I was gone. They might have taken his side and said I was just upset and shouldn’t have continued seeing him,especially when they had warned me before OR they might’ve been disgusted with his actions and keep him away. I did take part the blame and said it obviously takes two and I was sorry for bring trouble to their door.

I feel Donna was right though,if I was ever to expose him to anyone else,I need to be calm and confident and factual. I was crying when I spoke to his parents so it could’ve just looked like a bad break up to them but I think because of previous situations in the past,they could see he was using me and he KNEW what he was doing was hurting me.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by harry1997.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by harry1997.

[sept4]

Harry yes exactly I feel like if I had spoken up to anyone in his circle they would think it was just a bad breakup. I’m sure he would’ve said I’m just hurt and bitter and lashing out. I really didn’t see it end well with people believing me or taking my side at the time. Plus I know he would retaliate and he was very hostile and unstable from drugs.

Actually many years later long after the divorce and many years of NC, I did speak out to his sister and her husband. I finally broke my silence and calmly told them the story. And they said that nothing I told them surprised them, that they knew he is not a good person, and that they cut contact with them years ago. They also said he had tried to get the sole title to a jointly owned family property that was supposed to be split between them. So even with his actions toward them they had the same experience. But again this was many years later. During the breakup I stayed silent and did not expose him.

[laylabelle]

Harry,
Have you read any sites about sociopathy/BPD/Narcissism etc?
They keep people seperate so that no lies can be found out, so that you don’t find secret relationships and other reasons that would blow up their facade.
Reading everything you write its like reading about myself. I spent years going over in my head with a churning stomach every single thing he said, everything he did. I analysed everything.
I have still today read a piece about trauma bonds.
A trauma bond is made when one person in amongst giving specks of adoration, also does things which are bad. The other person goes through those bad things too but the bond is created when you allow it, often knowing its wrong but supporting their love interest and making excuses for it because you can’t begin to believe this person from whom you see the glimmer of good things,could be so good and so bad at the same time.
Living with contradictions and confusion in your head all the time causes a trauma bond, so strong that even in bad times you fight and chase to keep it because it is something you have come to know of as ‘your relationship’ I’m sure there will have been instances from the beginning when things felt off, but due to the way they hook us in, we let so much go, even blatant lies because by then we already believe they are our other half of a whole, someone we can’t live without.
A prime example: I was lied to the moment mine knew I was getting close to him and told me he went to a different school. I’d already checked, but still chose to believe there was a reason he lied. He had told me he was insecure through his teens, I was already groomed to believe any lies which came my way. That’s why they seperate you so you don’t find out.
As for lying about you, that is also mastered in advance, probably from the beginning when you would least even suspect it. They paint you as antisocial, shy, anything so that when they do something bad, their minions already know why he ‘ just had to get away from you’.
Right now you are in a very big fog, you feel duped, used conned, betrayed,humiliated, but probably worse, you miss the person you have loved through it all ten times worse than any normal relationship because of this unhealthy bond. I know,I felt like I was dying a slow death of going crazy.
The only people who will understand are those who’ve been there or a therapist who’s highly trained.
You want to scream out what he’s done to you, scream it on here. Donna is spot on, you need to find some kind of calmness before you try to put people against him it will probably backfire, they won’t believe you until it happens to them and all that matters is that you know what he’s done and how bad he’s made you feel.

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