- This topic has 14 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 9 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
-
I will try to keep this short…I have been with my narc/sociopath for 16 years. It took years before I figured it out. It started with finding out he cheated with prostitutes…then I found out he lied to me about everything under the sun – trivial (like if he went to lunch with a friend or got a speeding ticket) and big (like cheating). He used to get mad at me but never raised his voice or fought with me. Instead, he would act as if everything was fine but would do things like drive erratically – scaring me (and he knew it), or waking me at 3 am but acting like it was an accident (he has done it hundreds of times – each time when he was not happy with me). He knows I love my dog and a few times when mad at me, I was in the other room and I heard the dog cry – she has a sensitive spot on her chest – and I don’t know if he did it on purpose – but he was mad at me so a part of me thinks he did it on purpose.
I left him last October. I left a note and he called crying. Eventually we started talking again and he promised he would change- stop lying – get therapy. Not long after that, he started lying again and even learned to lie better – I told him how I caught him and he learned to hide it. I discovered some lies. Eventually he started going back to his same old games of lying and manipulating (which I hadn’t caught onto before – he did things to make me think I was crazy like move things and deny moving them – he denied admitting to some of his lies, etc). I moved back (the people I rented from wanted to sell the home a few months after I started renting :/) and he started in on waking me at 3 am when mad and he was still lying. I don’t know if he goes to prostitutes or not because he uses cash now. I let him know I wasn’t happy so he started hovering. He called 10+ times a day. He was trying to see if I was finding another rental. One day, when I told him to stop, he came home early and said he thought I was leaving – IDK what he planned to do if I did leave – I don’t fear he will hurt me in an obvious way but he wants to stop me from leaving somehow.
I decided (on advice from a coach) to act like everything was fine. I found a place and I have been extra nice so he wont wake me or hurt my dog while I am away on business. he has been extra nice – he knows that I am not happy because I told him not to bother with Valentines – so I think he is just trying to manipulate me back to a point where he feels I wont go.
My issue – I found a place – and I am leaving – and I am leaving a note. I am not confronting him beforehand. My rationale is that I don’t want him to torture me until the time I go or risk him hurting my dog. But I feel like such a jerk leaving this way. I feel guilty on one hand but on the other, I don’t feel I have a choice. Am I doing a bad thing leaving this way?
sorry – I tried to keep this short 🙁 -
Yeah, I get it that you feel like maybe you are doing a bad thing by leaving him. This guy is like a combination of two of my disastrous husbands. Fortunately, neither of them hurt my cat/s. Neither of them went to prostitutes. One was likely unfaithful, but I didn’t figure that out till years and years after I divorced him. One gaslighted me — that’s this part of what you wrote: “.. he did things to make me think I was crazy like move things and deny moving them.” One of my terrible husbands did that…and he disappeared some of my most valuable and irreplaceable possessions. When he bought a vinyl record, and it turned out it was and had been one of my favorite records back in the 1960s when it came out, I was thrilled! Shortly thereafter, he left it in the hot car and it melted. The wrist watch my parents had given me on my 12th birthday disappeared. Interesting, since I was nearly 50 and I’d had it for nearly 40 years, then it suddenly vanished.
Another husband did these things: “Instead, he would act as if everything was fine but would do things like drive erratically — scaring me (and he knew it), ”
And both of them woke me at 3 am or partied late so I could not get to sleep.
As for “he has done it hundreds of times — each time when he was not happy with me.” I have very sensitive hearing. One would tap the lid of the revere ware pot with a metal spoon, making it ring loudly. He did that hundreds of times, with a big grin, and I foolishly thought he’d forgotten I’d asked him to not do it.
Two of the men I married would cry when I broke up with them. Typical behavior to try to draw us back in, knowing that we are kind and compassionate people.
I, too, moved out or moved them out. And let them back. Finally, with each of them, I’d had enough.
I suggest you don’t fall for this stuff. I was amazed when I went to an abused women’s group, and we were told, “They know EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING.” What? I thought. I don’t believe this — he’s really a great guy and I love him so much! What will he do without me? Will he commit suicide? But, both of these guys were married or engaged within 6 months of me leaving them. Both ended up with good livings/jobs. Me, I now live in a small, low-income apartment and Social Security. In divorce, it’s not at all unusual for the man to flourish economically, and the woman to remain in poverty for the rest of her life.
-
-
cyndyinaz, Your gut is telling you that you can not talk to him rationally & then leave. Your gut is telling you to leave a note & get the hell away from him!!
FOLLOW YOUR GUT HON!!!
I too tried to leave my ex husband (a sociopath) many times…he always talked me back by literally spinning my head to a point I couldn’t even remember why I was leaving him. He too would wake me up in the middle of the night. He too would not let me sleep. This is what sociopaths do they will not let their victims sleep. Why? To literally wear down their victims to exhaustion so that they have complete control over us. Its ALL intentional what your husband is doing to you. It’s evil what he is doing with you so that you will not leave him.
I too had left my ex several times and a million times a day I wanted to run the hell away from him. The last week I was with him I was watching tv in the bed room while he was in the kitchen using his computer. He then came in yelling at me that the tv was too loud. This was all intentional so that I would not leave the bedroom. Who ever he wanted to chat with on his computer he did not want me out to hear it. This is why he came in off the handle yelling. It was crazy but it worked to keep me in the room. But what he did not know was I was on my computer looking up domestic abuse.
A few days later he did the same while I was painting the bathroom. I locked myself in the bathroom. I had enough. It was my breaking point. He then unlocked the door with tools continued to yell at me. I said literally nothing to him. He left back to his computer. I locked the door again. He then turned off the breaker to the bathroom. It was all crazy behavior to hide what ever he was doing on his computer.
I planned my escape while in the bathroom that day. A few weeks later I left him for good. No turning back. he had used his crying bs on my years earlier when I caught him in a two year affair. I stayed because he literally begged me to. Promised me he would change. He made promises like he would attend individual counseling & marriage counting, stop drinking, end his affair & never talk with the women etc etc. Guess what he never did one thing that he promised to do. I did not leave a note. I just left & then served him with divorce papers. He sent an immediate text saying “I thought we were going to work things out”….HELL NO, NOT THIS TIME!!
Sociopaths will say anything & everything go get what they want. Your husband will say anything & everything to get you to say. RUN RUN RUN..HON..your mind is open to what is really going on & he will never change EXCEPT FOR THE WORSE.
My ex’s abuse towards me got 1000 times worse after I stayed. His craziness got worse. His pathetical lying never ended. He would lie to me about what he ate for breakfast when I cooked it for him!! YEP!!
HUGE HUGS TO YOU! You are doing the right thing by leaving a note for him!!!!! I cant express that enough!! DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING HIM!!!
Please contact your National Domestic Violence hotline (USA 800-799-SAFE) to talk to a free counselor about a SAFTEY PLAN & EXIT PLAN out of this relationship!
The MOST DANGEROUS TIME FOR A VICTIM OF ABUSE IS WHEN SHE IS PLANNING TO LEAVE OR HAS JUST LEFT…so please dont leave alone!! Get help from your National & Local abuse center. And also tell your most trusted family & friends that you are leaving him.
LOOK UP THESE TERMS ON LOVEFRAUD SEARCH UPPER RIGHT CORNER & ON THE NET:
Gas lighting abuse (him moving things around)
Sociopath triangulation
SOCIOPATH NO CONTACT RULE!!! (FOLLOW THIS!!)
Narcissist no contact ruleWatch the videos up at the top of Lovefruad!! They are excellent
If you have under age children look at the site One moms battle fro custody issues (also for divorce court).
Look at your husband as a CULT LEADER…and you has his CULT FOLLOWER…every time he gets you to talk with him either in person or on the phone he is brain washing you literally!!! SO this is why you need to go no contact with him. But please make sure you have a safety & exit plan in place before you leave him!!
GOOGLE:
Domestic Abuse Exit Plan
Domestic Abuse Exit Plan you tubeThen with the words Domstic abuse Safety Plan.
look at the Domestic Violence Hotline site.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE HON…WE HEAR YOU!! PLEASE REACH OUT TO THE HOTLINE & ALSO TO YOUR MOST TRUSTED FAMILY & FRIENDS.
btw. With regards to a sociopath..your post will NEVER be short!! Their craziness can not be put in a short post. So keep typing away & vent everything out. It’s part of the healing process.
Keep reading everything here at love fraud also.
Hugs to you tonight!!
Wishing you all the best!
Take care****MAKE SURE YOU CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY EACH TIME YOU SEARCH ON LOVEFRAUD OR ANY OTHER SITE SO THAT YOU STAY SAFE UNTIL YOU LEAVE!!
-
PS: Look into Adrenal fatigue & the symptoms. Most victims suffer from anxiety & depression because of the stress they have been under in their toxic relationship. Look at sites like
Adrenal Fatigue. org
Dr Lam. complus google.
Know that when we have a normal break up our bodies release high levels of cortisol & adrenaline. But with a sociopath toxic relationship our bodies have continuously released high levels of cortisol & adrenaline this is the stress you are feeling and when you leave your stress level will go up because of the high levels of cortisol & adrenaline that is naturally released with a break up.
Google: “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut. Gavin Debecker is the author of The Gift of fear (an excellent book to remind yourself to listen to your gut).
-
Dear Cyndyinaz,
The thing is you have been normalizing his behavior for so long that part of you still feels deep down like he will care what you have to say. I remember that feeling well, that need to have closure, even when it was pointless and even dangerous to do it. Consider not wasting your feelings on someone who does not cherish them, even feelings of anger. Share them with a trusted friend or therapist, in a letter, or have a conversation with him in spirit. He does not deserve to know how you feel. If you really feel you need to leave him a note, make sure that the repercussions won’t be too scary.
Also, consider that the act of completely cutting him off without even so much as an explanation is the best revenge you can get against him.
-
Thank you, cyndyinaz. I am thrilled by what your validation of what I wrote — so glad I shared when and what I did. Glad it was helpful, and rings true for you.
Some of what I write below assumes you have a way to make a living, and have some money to spend. The women’s crisis hot line, group/s and shelter would have some resources for you if you are low income.
I am particularly concerned for your dog. Can you think of a way to put your dog him/her in a shelter or day care for a while? Is there a doggie daycare in your area? If there is, and if, for instance, you work outside the home, that would possibly be a way to tell the man that your dog needs more company while you are gone. Then the dog will only be home while you are there — and don’t ever leave the dog alone with the guy.
I also strongly suggest you contact a women’s crisis center! They will likely have a safe place for you to hide, maybe even a place for your dog.
You are really, really, really smart to NOT tell him ANYTHING about your plans to leave! Abused people are advised to have a very detailed plan and a timeline, step by setp, and to carry it out when the abuser is gone from the home. Does he have periods of time when he’s gone? Does he work outside the home? If he does, that would be a good time to split. And just leave the creep high and dry.
Another thing to keep in mine (this never happened to me, thank heavens.) A lot of abusers work on ways to “get you” once you DO leave. They get very dangerous. Hopefully someone here at the Forum can advise you what to do to protect yourself after you leave. And remember — if you do tell him, he could block you in some way that you can’t manager to get away.
Leave the big things like the couches for the Big Move. And why leave YOUR couch for him?????
But would he notice if you gradually removed some smaller things? Your jewelry (leave the box so he doesn’t miss that! Maybe leave a few pieces of costumer jewelry in the box, meanwhile), a few articles of clothing, underwear, a few pairs of shoes, etc etc. Can you personally afford to rent an apartment without him knowing — you could begin to move things there. Then you can get the movers to swoop in and get all the couches, etc.
-
Stargazer and Jan7 are awesome — great points, great information.
Stargaze wrote: “He does not deserve to know how you feel. ” Ha- just thought I’d mention what one of my ex-s said about this. I’d say how something made me feel, and he’d say: “I DON’T CARE HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!” Then of course he’d just keep on doing whatever he was doing to bother me or scare me.
-
-
-
cyndyinaz You wrote — “Even though I don’t think he would ever physically hurt me…” My ex- almost killed me several times through “negligence.” Once he almost pushed me over a bridge. Another time, he pushed me and I almost feel into a frozen bay when the weather temperature was below 20 degrees. One time he installed a wall heater in a dangerous way that could have started a fire. I insisted on getting an expert inspector to look at it. He resisted because he thought he was a highly skilled maintenance man –which he was not. He “repaired” some wiring in the attic. After I kicked him out (I paid for the house, not him) I called an electrician to inspect the wiring in the attic. When he came down, his face was white as a sheet. He told me the house could have caught fire at any moment. The ex- knew I had suicidal thoughts, but no plan. So he offered to help me commit suicide by driving me to a forest with some pills, and leavening me there. I think he married me because I owned a house, and he wanted it.
-
Stargazer wrote, “… consider that the act of completely cutting him off without even so much as an explanation is the best revenge you can get against him.” Umm Hmmm. Revenge? Will he really care if you are trying to get revenge? Although we know that a lot of sociopaths will stalk a person, threaten and endanger her,etc etc, another possibility is he will entice (marry?) another woman within 6 months, if not sooner. My experience with two sociopaths, anyway. One was married a few months later to a mutual friend of ours. The other one was engaged right a way. I got her phone number and told her my experience with him. She did break up with him, but I do not know if that was at least in part due to my phone call to her.
-
-
-
Yeah, you are right on. I thought he was just being thoughtless when he almost pushed me over a bridge, etc etc. I had no idea that he might actually be impulsively trying to hurt me.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.