I have a borderline personality and continue to fall for sociopaths!! Why!

[Crybaby82]

I was diagnosed with BPD at 19 after `a failed suicide attempt. Since then I have lived with and fallen for 2 sociopaths. The first was violent but died very young in his 20s or the cycle probably would still be going, sadly I remember feeling relieved when he died. The next… Is the one…the one I can’t disconnect from 🙁 for 3 years I have left him dozens of times but have never truly executed no contact and he keeps getting bk in my head. When were broken up, I obsess over him and think about him every waking minute. I have no real sense of my identity and when we break up I’m already so isolated from my friends…my BPD cannot handle the loneliness… So I checked my blocked msgs or I answered just one call. Big mistakes! He always has a sob story (always lies) or a fake suicide attempt, and I’m right back in it. I broke up with him again and once again I’m attempting to block him….its so twisted how much I miss him. Or the idea of him. But he is mean and cold and short tempered…I know this in my core…I keep checking my blocked msgs w no real intent to answer but he is doing the silent treatment which at first I started to think maybe I’m wrong…maybe I made a mistake. Why..does this keep happening… Is my BPD causing me to attach to these cold people who can’t possibly love me? I want to be free of him ..I need strength to truly never contact him again. But I’m not strong..I’m emotional as hell…I can’t control my anxiety or fears…they get a grip on me…plus his silent treatment feels like abandonment, even though I left him so it sets off crazy alarms in my head that make me frantic. I need to go back to talk therapy. Sadly however… If I’m in a relationship w a good guy…my BPD destroys them 🙁 that’s happened numerous times to many sweet men with good intentions on saving me. I feel like I’m doomed because the only men I don’t mistreat are socios and I can’t shake them…its an addicting dramatic cycle. Omg help anybody else have BPD or know how this feels?

[betta]

Crybaby, It’s all about reparenting, supplying the missing links you had growing up. Once you know who you are and what you want, being with a good guy without the drama will be possible. I won’t lie, it’s insanely hard work. With borderline issues, you might want to check out someone who does DBT. Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
It can be a long road and a ton of hard work, but it’s
very doable and very much worth it. Hang in there.

PS. Neural Path Therapy book for handling fear and
Recovery of Your Inner Child book are also good adjuncts
Should work with a compassionate empathetic therapist
or counselor that has a good reputation for working with BPD. Good luck!!

[Alaska]

Hi there,

I am also a BPD, and I have the same problem with attracting and being attracted to these types of personalities, and I don’t know why. Have you gotten any more insight into this question of yours, because I’d like to understand it, too!

Thank you!

Amanda

[Stargazer]

Hi to both of you. I was diagnosed as BPD when I was 26 following many dramatic chaotic relationships where I did many of the same things. I am now 56 and have overcome much of those tendencies. I wanted to share some insights with you from the other side of BPD. First, PTSD can mimic the symptoms of BPD, so it’s important not to get too caught up in the label. I’m still not sure which is more descriptive of me. Don’t let the label define who you are or what you are capable of. Second, there is definitely a way out of this condition if that is, in fact, a true diagnosis. It requires accessing and releasing the rage and pain of abandonment. Sometimes you have to do it over and over until you get to a point of peace, but it gets easier as you go through it. I worked out some of it in some of my early relationships with men who were strong enough to handle it. Some of it I did in therapy and some just on my own, once I realized what I needed to do to get better. They key is to release the feelings in a safe and constructive way. It’s not always easy. There are DBT groups for people diagnosed as BPD to teach them coping skills. DBT is a westernized form of eastern meditation, and I’ve heard it works. I never went to any of these groups, but I did discover meditation in my 20’s and it probably saved my life. I recently read a book called “The Buddha and the Borderline.” It’s a good read, and I highly recommend it – you may find yourself relating to the author who is also BPD. The classic book about BPD is called, “I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me.” I have never read this book. The key is awareness of who you are and what you need. This is true for everyone anyway. Your condition may be a little more challenging than others’ run of the mill neuroses, but it can offer you great gifts. The average person never experiences much pressure to become consciously aware until something happens that forces them to confront pain. The BPD has no choice but to confront all their pain because it is like a pressure, and in doing so, they access great reserves of creativity and compassion. Meditation can help with this if you are willing to take a break from your addictions – cigarettes, alcohol, relationships, etc. and face the pain of abandonment you are experiencing head on in a safe setting, such as in a retreat or with a skilled and knowledgeable therapist. You can also heal within a good relationship. If you find yourself in a relationship with one of these “good” guys, try as much as you can to warn him before you go off on him that it is your nature to push people away and ask him to gently push back. If you can find a way to make it “safe” for him, you can get some of your rage out. However, understanding partners are hard to come by. If you keep getting attracted to sociopaths, know that in spite of how you feel, you are better off alone. There is life after BPD, and BPD have many many gifts to offer as healers and artists when they get a handle on the condition. It’s okay to be alone and on your own – you don’t need a partner in your life to be happy.

[winterk]

Amanda and Crybaby,

I have been married to someone with BPD and NPD for 32 years. Last year a man I’ve casually known for years befriended me during a low time in my life. At the time I didn’t know he had ASPD and had targeted me. Actually patiently waited to catch me at a low point. He knew my weaknesses and knew who I was married to so he said the perfect things.

Crybaby…It’s not because you have BPD that you attract these types. Your feelings are understandable and normal. I am what they call an empath with “super traits”, which is a person who tolerates behaviors that most would not. We are both targets of these predators. The pain they inflict is indescribable. It hurts to the core. They study you and know exactly what to say or do to draw you in…
I wanted what my BPD husband could never give me, the ASPD handed it to me on a silver platter.
Amanda, we can all be attracted to that type…it’s not just you. We are all susceptible. They can be charming, have an unbelievable sense of humor, sex with them is amazing because they are hyper sexual. The problem is they have relationships with many women going on at the same time. It’s all a game to them. For us, its our hearts and souls.

I’ve been trying to go “no contact” with mine…I haven’t responded back to his emails or texts in over a week. I woke up today with another plea to go back to “being my friend” again and asking me out to lunch. I am trying to stay strong, remember all the lies he told, and ignore the email.

Having all of you here helps keep me strong.

[Alaska]

Stargazer,

Thank you so much for your very helpful reply. It means a lot to me to have someone offer up some insight and valuable information that can possibly help me with the painful BPD. Yes, I know I also have Complex PTSD, too. It’s been one Narcissist after another, and then a Sociopath who played the cruelest mind games on me ever. I haven’t even been able to talk to anybody about any of this because I’m so afraid of the Sociopath.

Again, thank you so much Stargazer!

Amanda

[Alaska]

Thank you, Winterk!

It is so painful 🙁 You are correct in that these Sociopaths can lure women in with their humor, intelligence, and sexual stamina. I cannot talk about him so it makes it harder for me to heal. If I publicize and he finds out, he might come after me. So, it’s very hard for me to get it out of my system. He has already implied warnings to me. I wish I had someone I could talk to about it, but I cannot risk my life :-(.

[winterk]

amanda,

We can all be in danger to some degree. That is why we have this forum. I hope your name doesn’t identify you in any way. I chose something totally random that has no connection to my actual identity. You can talk on here. Just don’t give any identifying information. I am in pain as well. This helps me. Mine is still trying to keep me in his life. I get strength from others on here. We all have the same story to some degree. If you feel like you need to speak personally to someone, I believe Donna Anderson is available for calls for a fee.

[Alaska]

Yes, Winterk. Thank you for helping me to not feel so alone. I will try to talk more on here as time goes on. Maybe moreso as time has passed, little by little, so he doesn’t identify me. Even though it’s not my real name, he might still figure it out due to the unique situation he has. He once told me “he is everywhere”.

[Alaska]

Btw, Winterk, I hope you stay strong, and I am sorry you are going thru this! You sound like a strong person. I just changed my username.

[Author]

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