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I have been on this site reading for some time now. I have been involved with a Socio/Pschycopath for almost 7 years. We have been married for 5. Well it’s been more off than on of a relationship/marriage. I know full well what my husband is, and yet I continue to hold on to hope that he will “come to his senses”! We, THANK GOODNESS, have no children together. He has cheated on me more times than I even care to know, he lies, he steals, he has ALMOST financially destroyed me. I have allowed so many horrible things to transpire in my life. We have children from previous marriages and he almost completely destroyed my relationships with my kids. Who, thank the Lord, were forgiving of me once I started to see the light. We live apart, I has an active protection order against him, which in the beginning I stuck to pretty sternly and even reported him so he now also have a warrant for his arrest (that I am certain he knows nothing about) but here I am YET AGAIN, talking to him. I KNOW what he wants this time but yet, I cant seem to completely break this “addiction” and I know in order to actually heal and REMEMBER my worth and value, there can be no contact at all between us. He hoovers A LOT when we are not talking, well always after about 3 weeks.. That’s about how long it takes him to get bored with his NS. I honest to goodness feel like to biggest fool ever! HOW do I walk away for good?
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Hi Searching, first I’m sending you hugs. It’s not easy to sort your mind thru all of their chaos & abuse. I’m so glad that you came here to Lovefraud to post your story & ask for support.
One of the biggest life lessons I have learned from my personal nightmare of being married (now divorced) from a sociopath for 12 years is to ask for help and support. So kudos to you for reaching out for help.
One of the biggest support systems is your countries National domestic violence hotline & local abuse centers. At your local center you can attend free counseling & free women group meeting. The group meetings are wonderful to vent & to learn from other victims. So look into this.
In the USA the number for the National Domestic violence hotline is 800-799-SAFE. Go to these!! They will be a huge stepping stone out of your marriage for good.
As for you talking to him again. These evil sociopaths know exactly how to suck their victims back into their con game with words!! Everything your husband is telling you are LIES…you know this!!
Do you know everything your husband tells you are lies??
He is never going to change EVER….you know this. I knew this too but like you I keep trying to “fix” him & our marriage. I read books & made changes…but guess what he never did read one book or make changes to better the marriage. He, like your husband cheated on me endless times…when i finally escaped, he was cheating with 3 women (maybe 5) in two different states. This was my marriage.The hardest thing I ever did was drive away from our marriage the last time…the best thing I ever did was file for divorce & got this low life evil sociopath out of my life for good. I have ZERO regret divorcing him…my only regret is letting him in my life in the first place.
What I have learned:
1) Sociopaths are cult leader & you are his cult follower!
(say that again!)
Sociopaths are cult leaders & you are his cult follower!
Do you realize your husband is a cult leader & you are his cult follower??
His lying words are holding you into this marriage. You need to start watching his actions & most importantly you need to make a list of all the mean, abusive etc actions that he has done in your marriage.
It will shock you to see how long the list is. But it will slowly start to wake up your mind to his brain washing & mind control over you.
Bottom line: DONT LISTEN TO HIS LYING WORDS.
Remember the old saying: Actions speak louder then words!!
2) You are holding two different belief system about him. One he is good…two he is bad. I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT HE IS ALL BAD. He has trained you from day one to accept his horrible treatment.
Do a search here at love fraud for “cognitive dissonance” and also on the net. This will explain the two belief system. What you need to do is see him for what he really is = pure evil.
Just like an animal is trained these sociopaths train everyone around them.
Do you know your husband has trained you to accept his horrible behavior??
Google: Domestic abuse Power & control wheel.
This wheel explains how the cycle of abuse continues over & over in a abusive relationship.
3) How he has brain washed you over time.
Google: Freedom of mind bite model
(this is how we were all slowly mind controlled by these evil people)
I will write more later.
Call the Hotline right now. 800-799-SAFE (us)
Hugs to you.
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Searching, this is from another site but it explains the bond that you must break to finally break free from you husband. Google “Narcissist no contact rule” to learn more.
PLEASE BE CAREFUL TALKING TO HIM BECAUSE THE JUDGE MAY GET UPSET WITH YOU FOR TALKING TO HIM. YOU DONT WANT TO GET INTO TROUBLE WITH THE COURTS.
“Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
breakingfreeofchainsNo contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”¦there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good.
Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Don’t allow the narcissist access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ”˜no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator. See my article “When No Contact Can’t Work” for more info.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, social media, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he or she is the same person as always. Even if change was possible, your trust in the narcissist has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.
If you need help sticking to No Contact, consider getting counseling or joining a support forum.”
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Hi Searching, You are so welcome! Thinking back on my own experience how you feel is how I was too. Not able to make the final move out. I knew he was bad, I knew he would not change, I knew I lived in hell & that his bevior was not normal…but I was so mentally, emotionally & physically exhausted I could not find the door out of the relationship.
I literally would think to myself during that time that I needed someone, anyone to come in a swoop me up & carry me out of my house.
Of course, that never happened. Why? because I never opened up to anyone about what was going on. My ex made sure from day one that I never talk to anyone. SO guess what I didnt.
I am glad you came here to ask for support. It’s a huge step. Yes, you are in a “support” group but it seems like they just dont get the fact a sociopath brain washes & mind controls their victims.
SO you need help opening up your mind now. That is why I asked those questions above. Asking someone that is under the mind control of a sociopath a question(s) will help to free the mind.
So write those questions down and ask yourself those questions every day. Over and over. This will open your mind up.
Just like a victim trying to leave say a religious cult and victims of domestics abuse needs to open their mind up.
YEs, like you, I could see that I was being abused. Like you, I wanted to leave everyday…well really I never wanted to date, move in with or marry my ex. But he knew how to con me..just like your husband does now to you.
What everyone thinks about a restraining order is it stops a domestic abuser…but the real intent (I think now) is to prevent the victim from being sucked back into the relationship. It gives the vicim time to clear the mind fog, brain washing etc. from the abuser. SO a restraining order is your weapon of defense to clear your mind.
So take this time with this restraining order to look after YOURSELF. Use it to clear your mind.
What most people do not realize is the fact all the stress a toxic relationship has on a victim is the fact that the human body response to the stress by releasing large leaves of cortisol, adrenaline and other hormones. This too causes the vicim to not think clearly to get out of the relationship.
DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST VICTIMS HAVE HEALTH ISSUES DURING THEIR ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?
What symptoms does stress cause a person?
Memoery loss, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, mood swings, sleep issues etc (it’s a long long list)
.
It takes time for the body to settle down & return all the hormone back to normal. Some how a sociopath knows this and they keep their victims at high level stress level so they have full control over them.
I dont mean to pry but how is your health? (you dont have to type anything here on LF just write down your symptoms you have been feeling since day one with this guy)
and then step back and connect them with him & your stress level.
On another site, the site creater asked everyone vicim if they had health issues….over 400 victims wrote on the post. Most symptoms were the same!!! So the daily stress you are under hon, is also preventing you from thinking clearly & from leaving.
Look into Adrenal Fatigue as the root issue.
The adrenal glands regulate the bodies blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels, and over 50 hormones.THE ARE A BIG DEAL. Stress is the cause of Adrenal fatigue…ie stress at work, a sport or a toxic relationship.
Just because you removed your husband from your daily life does not mean your body automatically goes back to “normal”. it can take up to 6 months to 2 years to get the body back to “normal”. The fact that your husband is still in your life is still HIGH levels of stress on your body.
GOOGLE: DRLAM. COM AND ADRENALFATIGUE. ORG and also just “adrenal fatigue”
(LOOOK AT SYMPTOMS on both sites to see if you have the symptoms). If you do (which I suspect you do) find a good Endocrinologist doctor to test you for cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance, etc.
TELL THE DOCTOR THAT YOU ARE IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP so that he full understands your stress level. On those two sites they specifically list “toxic relationship”. Some doctors do not “believe” in adrenal fatigue but it was discovered and recognized by the US Medical board over 100 years ago.
It’s real…and once I left my ex & a friend guided me to a doctor that knew right away that my adrenal glands were fatigue my mind started to clear. Within 4 hours of my doctor giving me a Rx of progesterone and dr wilsons adrenal fatigue victims my anxiety was half! It was that quick..my mind started to think more clearly. Within a month I felt almost normal gain.
Like the old saying: Stress can kill.
Also google: Dr Amen depression you tube
If is normal for the body to release cortisol when breaking up with someone but with a sociopath breakup the body has been releasing high levels of cortisol since day one. So when a vicim wants to leave they feel a another surge of cortisol released and it’s scary to feel that stress to the vicim wants to reduce the stress = then goes back to their abuser. But it’s only short lived the relief because the sociopath will once again create a highly stressful home.
Let me know your thoughts hon. Take care.
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From Dr Lam. com
“Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome can present itself in association with any of the following signs, symptoms, or conditions. Because there is no definitive laboratory test for this potentially debilitation condition, always be the alert if you have any significantly number of the following symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue.
Not everyone has all of the conditions or symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue listed below. The number varies from person to person, but if you take a step back and look from afar, they collectively paint a picture of a body under threat. The higher the prevalence or intensity of the items listed below, the higher the chances that you may have Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome.
Characteristic Symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue
Unable to fall asleep despite being tired
Waking up in the middle of the night for no reason
Heart palpitations at night or when stressed
Consistently low blood pressure
Low libido and lack of sex drive
Low thyroid function, often despite thyroid medications
Feeling of hypoglycemia though laboratory values are normal
Depression, often unresolved after anti-depressants
Endometriosis
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Uterine fibroids
Fibrocystic breast disease
Hair falling off for no reason
Irritable under stress
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Feeling “wired” and unable to relax
Feeling of adrenaline rushes in the body
Foggy thinking
Inability to handle stress
Waking up feeling tired in the morning even after a full night’s sleep
Feeling tired in the afternoon between 3:00 and 5:00 pm
Inability to take in simple carbohydrates
Needing coffee to get going in the morning and throughout the day
Coffee, tea or energy drinks triggering adrenaline rush and adrenal crashes
Feeling tired between 9:00 and 10:00 PM, but still finding it hard to go to bed
Craving for fatty food and food high in protein
Craving for salty food such as potato chips
Dry skin more than usual
Unexplained hair loss that is diffuse
Exercise helps first, but then makes fatigue worse
Chemical sensitivities to paint, fingernail polish, plastics
Electromagnetic force sensitivity, including cell phone and computer monitors
Delayed food sensitivities, especially to dairy and gluten
Unable to get pregnant, requiring IVF
Post partum fatigue and depression
Recurrent miscarriages during first trimester
Abdominal fat accumulation for no apparent reason
Temperature intolerance, especially to heat or sunlight
Dysmenorrhea advancing to amenorrhea
Premature Menopause
Constipation for no apparent reason
Joint pain of unknown origin
Muscle mass loss
Muscle pain of unknown reason
Cold hands and feet
Premature aging skin
Inability to concentrate or focus
Psoriasis of no known reason
Gastritis despite normal gastroscopy
Low back pain with no history of trauma and normal examination
Dizziness for no known cause
Fructose mal-absorption
Chronic Tinnitus (ringing in the ear)
Numbness and tingling in extremities bilaterally
Recurrent mouth sores
Shortness of breath even though breathing is fine
Presence of ovarian cyst
Cancer as a result of estrogen dominance is one of the symptoms of Adrenal FatigueBreast cancer associated with estrogen dominance
Grave’s disease
Hashimoto’s thyroiditis
Legs that feel heavy at times
Dark circles under eyes that do not go away with rest
Loss of healthy facial skin tone color
Body feeling tense all over and unable to relax
Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia
Irritable Bowl Syndrome, with more constipation than diarrhea
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome unimproved with medicine
Fibromyalgia unresolved after conventional help
Systemic Candida that gets worse when under stress
Electrolyte imbalance despite normal laboratory values
Irregular menstrual cycle that “stops and goes”
Lyme Disease but unable to fully recover after medication or intolerance to drugs
H. Pylori infection in the past and was told resolved but never feel the same since
Heavy metal and mineral toxicity may mimic Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome
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