I think I survived…

[seenbetterdays]

So I think I survived a relationship with a person with a personality disorder, but I am unsure as to which one. It all started back in 2011 when I discharged out of the army and moved to Denver. I became friends with a young lady that had a bf at the time, and she began to complain to me about the relationship and it honestly was an emotional affair. Fast forward to 2015 when we struck up a conversation out of the blue. Come to find out she said she always wanted a relationship with me, so we started dating. To me, this girl was “the one” and I couldn’t have been happier. The attention was flattering and intoxicating, the chemistry was out of this world (emotionally and physically), and we had been honest and truthful about everything holding nothing back, or so I thought. After we started dating I started catching her in lies, making excuses as to why she would be texting guys at 3-4 in the morning yet would fall asleep on me around 9 pm, letting a bisexual friend feel her up in a restaurant that she had already had a threesome with the lady and her husband and it not being a big deal, and it being my fault for invading her privacy (aka using her computer due to mine crashing at the time) when her brother sent her a sexually graphic email talking about his sexual desires for her. After months of “it not being her fault”, “she did nothing wrong”, etc I finally kicked her out and she went to go stay with my brother and sister-in-law who had no idea about any of these issues due to my being quiet and not wanting to air dirty laundry and they wrote me off as crazy, jealous, and obsessive. Fast forward again 9 months later we bump into each other and she seems a different person talking about God and such. I had found my spirituality as well, so I prayed and read scripture about how god is forgiving and thought it was a sign. We started dating and then I find out a month into dating that while we were broken up she had an affair with a married man at her work. Wanting to know the dynamics of the relationship so as to come to a conclusion of if it would be possible or not to have a relationship I asked her for the dirty details. She told me what she claimed to be the truth and whole story but later was found out to be a lie. Over a period of 6 months, I uncovered lie after lie after lie about the relationship between them, and when confronted with those lies it was always “I can’t do this anymore”, “I want to leave”, and usually it led to a huge argument where I would get so frustrated that I would be yelling and screaming while talking about basic human values and morals and how it was wrong like you would to a child; all the while she would state that there was nothing she could do and wouldn’t apologize until I literally would say “you owe me an apology”. It has been almost a month since I finally had enough and couldn’t take it anymore and she is telling people a “version” of the truth where we broke up and I just kicked her out without actually explaining what led to it all. I am starting to research things and I am just trying to find meaning in all of this to ensure I am not crazy.

Thank you for reading, sorry for the “word vomit” of the post, and any insight into this would be much appreciated.

[Sunnygal]

You might look at the blog ’26 abusive behaviors from a female sociopath’. Sounds like what you describe.

[kathleenkelly]

It doesn’t matter if they are narcissists, sociopaths, borderlines etc.- the damage they do to other people is reprehensible. I simply call them “morally defunct” individuals. People without basic human decency and respect for others. What I do know for certain is that they cannot change….and we cannot change them.

They have a grandiose sense of “sexual entitlement.” They believe their own lies and they are experts at making you feel crazy and or stupid (gas lighting). They tend to minimize their behavior and blame shift. They use “false equivalencies”- you didn’t do this or you did that….so I am entitled to cheat.

Trusting them…is like trusting a rattle snake. They do not have integrity or any sense of morality. Don’t know how they got that way…..don’t care either. The only thing I care about is keeping these monsters out of my life!

You can spot them by their lies. When your intuition is beeping off the charts warning you….and you feel confused about the relationship- you know you are dealing with an immoral, self centered, sexually centered loser. Run!

[kathleenkelly]

Don’t bother “lecturing them” on morality, integrity, human decency. They are incapable of grasping these concepts. Like brute beasts or toddlers-they operate on a primal, self gratification level. They cannot “feel your pain”- it means nothing to them.

When I finally had enough of my narc/Spath and booted him….he ran and hid in the church (of all places). With his Bible in hand….the voyeur, pervert, liar, thief, wife beater…..parades in and out of a church every Sunday. He fished a new “victim” from the church. A female janitor with a college age daughter. Dancing Dick (ex pervert/narc/spath)- has a taste for very young women. The janitor woman has no clue.

Yes, they will try to control the narrative of the story. Remember….this is YOUR story to tell. Not the monster’s!

[seenbetterdays]

In my research, I came across Borderline Personality Disorder and through a book called “Stop Walking on Egg Shells” that was co-authored by a psychologist. It explains that persons with BPD run a 25% chance of also having narcissism. While I was reading it I became physically ill due to the stress of the realization of it all. It talks about how the BPD person has no real sense of self, self-worth, puts those they love in “no-win situations” to be validated that other person loves them, manipulates and lies, doesn’t look at fact for validation but emotions (something unhealthy people do), will twist facts to suit their own personal agendas, make suicide threats to keep non-BPD individuals with them, and so on. It also has coping and communicating mechanisms in there that I was actually able to use last night to finally reach somewhat of a resolution in the $2,000 this person owes to me.

[Donna Andersen]

seenbetterdays – the symptoms you describe may also fit antisocial or narcissistic personality disorders – there is a lot of overlap among the conditions.

The bottom line is that she is manipulative, exploitative and toxic. The problem is her, not you. It will always be her, because she will not change. You could not have done anything to make her treat you better.

So focus on your own recovery. It helps to research the disorders because then the behavior starts to make sense. But recognize that your first responsibility is to yourself. It sounds like you don’t have kids with her, so count your blessings for that. You have the option of putting her totally out of your life, which is what you should do.

We have many articles on Lovefraud that may help you.

[sadcat]

She sounds much like someone I knew well who is borerline.

[seenbetterdays]

Sadcat,

I literally have been researching BP like a fanatic and she matches with 8 out of the 9 major criteria associated with the disorder and has the environmental background associated with it. Of course, she never would believe me even if I sat her down with a therapist, we went over everything, and the therapist told her she had it. She would still deny it all, that is how it works, unfortunately. Right now she is “raging at me” via silent treatment during this low time; hopefully, when she comes back around she won’t be so shamed as to not reach out and accept help. While I cannot be in a romantic relationship with someone like that, I can’t give up on a friend when it is so obvious.

[Sunnygal]

As has been said, they have no moral compass.

[newlife4me]

“While I cannot be in a romantic relationship with someone like that, I can’t give up on a friend when it is so obvious.”

Unfortunately, she IS NOT a friend. She is incapable of being a “friend” because she is only concerned for herself. She CAN NOT change.

[Author]

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