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Hi. In my relationship for 17 years if you can believe. The problems in my marriage were so subtle. Not obvious. I knew he was a major victim. But I thought he had dealt with it. And was working on it. Over the course of the marriage I would pick up on things he would tell people about me. Act completely fine with me and then tell my friends, family or his family not nice things about me. Would complain a lot about our sex life. Tell people I was self-centered. Didn’t treat him nicely. My husband looks like the token husband/father. Does EVERYTHING for me. Basically has no or little life of his own and lives in a way to just please me. Could never tell me if he was unhappy about something. Just did this victim thing and then there were times that he didn’t have my back. I lost respect for him over the years. I felt an emptiness in the relationship that I couldn’t put my finger on. Then I met someone online that I fell for. He made me feel beautiful. I lost weight, was feeling attractive. I wanted to meet him so I told my husband the truth. Wanting a hall-pass and offered him the same (I hadn’t realized yet that my husband may be this covert narcicist yet). So I leave for a week and meet this man. When I return, I asked my husband for a separation. That I needed time to myself to think things out. He refused and instead of giving me space, I found out that he had tried to turn all my friends, family, town against me. Telling them this horrible thing I did. Total strangers and too my children as well. We went to counciling. I realized later that he was manipulating the councilors. He made them, everyone think I was an alcoholic. He started making me feel crazy. Ganged up upon in my house with my son and I started getting aggressive with him bc I felt like a caged animal trapped in my life. I had this single friend that he alienated who’s son is my little sons best friends. He somehow is threatened by her and has convinced my older son that that they are bad so it’s virtually impossible to arrange play dates with my younger son and whatnot. The more he would do, would make me realize what he had been doing all of these years. But he wanted to stay together. Eventually more people told me things he had said about me over the years. like that he was staying with me for the money. I had gained a bit of weight at one time and he told someone something horrible about my being over weight ‘look at my wife. can you believe I have to xxxx her? I’m just with her for the money’. I’m not rich. I just carry my weight financially and he doesn’t want to GIVE up his lifestyle. I want to divorce him. I told him so. He says he will not agree. That he won’t mediate and it’s all on me if I want a divorce. He has implied to me that he will use what he needs to against me. He is using our son as a tool. Tells him everything. Makes me look like the bad guy. I’m the one that what’s the marriage to be over. He won’t see my new therapist with me now. I’m sleeping under my staircase bc he refuses to get out of the bed. I would, really like to keep my house as I own a larger share of it. I know having this affair was a bad idea and did hurt things but I’m not continuing with it. It was a week thing. I just needed to step out and feel human again. I don’t want to pay $$$ attorneys. I don’t know what he will try to do to prevent me from leaving but I’m predicting the worst. I think if he tried to use something to make me an unfit mother, that would hurt him bc he needs me to care for the children. I don’t know for sure that he is a covert narcissist but after someone mentioned this to me,I began researching it and it sure does sound like it.
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momof2boys – it does sound like your husband is disordered. He’s been running a smear campaign for years, saying all those terrible things behind your back. And now he doesn’t want to lose control over you.
He was a covert narcissist before. Now that his cover is blown, the abuse will probably be overt. You are correct to assume that he will make things worse.
I suggest that you stop talking about divorce temporarily and figure out a plan. Your relationship is unlikely to get better, so you’ll probably still want a divorce. But you need to be really smart about how you go about it.
We have lots and lots of information here on Lovefraud and in our webinars that will help you.
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Yes, I would act like things are getting better so you can strategically plan on how to leave. I would take time while at work or away from the house to leave him. Be strategic and don’t look back. He will threaten you and drag you through the mud no matter what you do so you may as well get it over with and start the healing process. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
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Dear Mom,
The LAST thing you need to do is jump into a new relationship. You need to let your head to clear for at least 6 months. Please consider going to a battered women’s shelter, or at least get counseling from them. Let me assure you, they know all about your situation, and YOU WILL BE BELIEVED!
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