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My ex-boyfriend has all but one of the traits of being a sociopath on Donna’s checklist! I thought he was a narcissist he displayed many traits of being a “spiritual narcissist” a wolf in sheep’s clothing so to speak. He used all the classic narcissistic tactics and lured me in through love bombing and future faking, but did it in a way where he presented himself as a bold believer and convinced me I was the answer to his prayers. He was very charming, sweet, affectionate, attractive, and very easy to fall for. We had a strong spiritual connection and even worked together to create music together. We had much in common and bonded over our very similar past traumas from our childhood. He seemed very caring, loving, and attentive and was great at communication and listening. We talked/texted constantly sometimes from sun up til sun down! He was able to get me to believe I could trust him and so I confided in him and shared deeply personal things with him. The relationship moved very fast and we fell in love quickly or so it seemed. Long story short I went from the love of his life and who he wanted as his wife to someone he mistreated, disrespected, used, manipulated, gaslighted, and abused in many ways! He displayed anger and rage not just at me but also at others. I saw him display impulsive reckless immature behavior when he lashed out in retaliation at the Casino that recently fired him. He burned pictures of me and him live on his social media during one of our arguments. He cussed out an officer over the phone and made a threat to a court building when he didn’t get the result he wanted on his case! These are just some of the things he did. But what I’m struggling with the most is healing from the trauma bond and realizing I fell in love with a lie cause he never was the sweet, amazing, caring, charming, loving man he presented himself to be! I am no contact with him but part of me is really struggling with coming to terms with who and what I thought he was. How do I heal from all this??
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Neversettle4less; I’m sorry to hear your story and the difficult time you are experiencing getting over your ex-sociopath. As I’ve mentioned in my previous posts on this site these disordered personalities could be one and the same person -their MO is all the same…….charming, handsome, love bombing, good listener, etc. They project so many wonderful things and never come through with any of their promises.
After an 8 year long distance relationship with my ex-N his mask slipped and everything evil and disrespectful was on full display. I have been no contact for 9 months now and I can’t pretend it has been easy, but I will say it gets better and better with time. My suggestions would be to not only block him, but stay away from social media. Journal all of the vile things he has said or done so you don’t forget that experience. You can go back to your journal when you find yourself longing for him. Read as much as you can on this site or anywhere else (books, etc). Think long and hard about the life you came close to having with him and thank your lucky stars you dodged a bullet. Remember, we cannot “fix” them and they will never change or get better if only they were just with us. Pay attention to your body and feel the changes that will slowly start to improve. Your anxiety will lessen, you will be more focused and your health will start to feel much, much better being away from him. Find small things that bring you pleasure when you feel your mind is starting to wander back to thoughts of the better times with him. The relationship was manufactured by him and it was not real. They are not wired the way most “normal” people are……..keep that in mind. We have become addicted to their voice, their personality and their love bombing in so-called good times. We are grieving that loss that had us addicted to them and we are also grieving the projected, fake future they promised us. We Can and Will have a better life and a better future without them!
Stay strong……..it is well worth it! -
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neversettle4less: I do understand what you are going through and can relate to the similar feelings of breaking the NC when holidays or birthdays come up. I applaud you for letting your ex’s birthday pass and continuing NC. I went NC right before Thanksgiving and continued through the Christmas and New Year holidays as well as both of our birthdays which were only 5 days apart in January. I think we tend to weaken when these special days come around. We want to be considerate. We don’t want them to think badly of us and we tend to use it as an excuse to break the NC in hopes they’ve missed us and will treat us better. This would only empower their ego which I refuse to do…..they do not deserve our attention!
I too experienced anxiety and depression and finally relinquished to having my doctor prescribe a low dose antidepressant. It took awhile to see some changes, but they finally kicked in and have helped my anxiety immensely. It’s a subtle change much for the better. I’m able to let things go and I’m not stuck ruminating and dwelling on things. The depression has lifted as well. In fact just recently I noted I’m much happier not trying to take on the world’s problems and solve everything.
Some of my previous posts to “whatjusthappened” explained how my experience growing up in an abusive, alcoholic, dysfunctional family has carried over to relationships. We’ve learned how to tolerate dysfunction, trauma and chaos at a young age, so we go forward trying to “fix” these disordered personalities that come our way. It takes us longer to realize that we are tethered to them in much the same way we were to our dysfunctional family. Normal almost seems dull and boring to us, yet normal men would never consider operating or treating us like our disordered ex’s. A break up with a normal person is so much different and it doesn’t leave us with depression, anxiety and CPTSD.
Be proud of your 4 months of NC and celebrate each coming month that follows.
I agree, we are survivors! Stay strong, my friend! -
funluvmusic25: Congratulations on 4 months away – that takes courage and resolve. I am so glad you found Donna’s forum – it WILL help. And your journal will prove to be your haven – you can look back in a year and see the growth, strength and healing. Now you can use it to remind yourself of the very wise decision you made to get this person OUT of your life. Proud of you! Stay strong! I have been free of my narc for over 7 years and can say I am back to myself 100%. I rarely even think about him or that time in my life, and I no longer feel ashamed and humiliated and broken. Posting in Lovefraud has helped a lot as sharing my story and my journey and insights just promotes more healing. Keep posting – we have all been where you are. Blessings!
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Emilie18: It’s so reassuring to hear the success stories from going NC! Congratulations on your success – 7 years of NC just shows it can be done. Nothing short of amazing!
This site is certainly encouraging and helpful as we all navigate what can be a very painful journey, yet it also shows there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s always inspiring to realize how “normal” the rest of the world is once we leave our life with the sociopath/narcissist behind. Life is good! Blessings.
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Hi Neversettle4less – I wanted to mention one thing about you ex before I respond to your main question of how to heal from the trauma bond. What you described about his out of control anger at many people in his life and situations are what we call “ rage fits “ – This seems to be a new term that is going around about their behavior. Often it is done behind closed doors only to the target while others are treated well. By the fact that he was so disregulated shows how way out of control he is. ( to be continued)
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Hi again – I have written you many posts and then before I am able to actually post them, my computer keeps going down ! I have had this happen before on this site – don’t know why ? But I will quickly post this and write more later
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Hi polestar: The same thing has happened to me when I’m trying to post a message on this site. I suddenly lose everything I’ve typed and the post is blank. To solve this issue I create a draft in my separate email account and then copy and paste the draft onto this site for my post. Seems to work well, especially if I have a lot to say and my post is long -winded 😊 See if that works for you.
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Thank you funlovemusic – your thoughtfulness is much appreciated! ———
Continuing my post for neversettle for less : A lot of people find it helpful to make a list of all the awful things the narc has done to keep their resolve strong for NC. I use that when I am getting gaslighted from those who cannot validate what I have gone through. However, a technique that has worked for me to get over the trauma bond is this – that I realized that much of the problem had to do with cognitive dissonance in that my brain could not reconcile the beauty of the initial love with the ugly abuse and that kept me stuck. So how I resolved that was that I acknowledged that the experience of love was wonderful without fighting to deny it. That made it a lot easier to move forward without being stuck with the cognitive dissonance. In any case, you really do sound like you are healing well. Blessings -
polestar; you’re very welcome and I hope this information is helpful as you try to post. It seems like the website tries to refresh in the middle of typing a post and when it comes back the unfinished post disappears and you have to start over. The copy and paste method works much better for me.
I do have one question regarding your suggestion of leaning into the experience of love and not trying to run from it. How does that not weaken your resolve to stay strong with NC? I find if I think about that part of my relationship with my ex-N it leaves me longing for him and has me thinking of breaking NC in hopes of going back to that good part of the experience.
I will say I came away with a silver lining from the toxicity- I now realize I need an emotional connection in any future relationship. Of course I would be mindful of any red flags or if another toxic relationship was developing, but it has become a requirement that I didn’t know I needed. I realize it was fake on my ex-N’s part, but remembering how I felt leaves me wanting that experience that is real in any future relationship. I have a hard time being with someone that doesn’t run deep or is unwilling to express their emotions.
Any light you can shed on this is greatly appreciated. Blessings.
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Hi funluvmusic – I am using your technique to write this post because writing directly on the site is so frustrating. In any case, I wanted you to know how much I appreciated your question.I thought it would be easier to explain by my personal example : When I met my Ex, I was going through a horrific situation and then I had a wonderful and loving relationship with him, so the relationship was a saving grace for me. Quite a few years later, I found out that he had been cheating on me for the whole relationship. I didn’t have a clue until I inadvertently found out. When I did find out, I realized that I could never feel the same about him again, and exited the relationship. If I even entertained a moment of thought of trying in my heart to connect with him, I would be instantly blocked – my whole being was repelled by the idea. So I never saw or talked to him again. Yet all these years later, if the thought of him does arise, I can think fondly of the love I did experience and gratitude that my sanity was saved by the relationship that I imagined I had. So to apply that to a case of yours like you described – perhaps it would be possible to recollect that the love you felt really was love while at the same time knowing that it would be impossible to actually go back to him now. I hope that my response was clarifying.
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Hi polestar; Thank you for shedding some light on your recovery. I too would have been repelled knowing there was cheating going on, but since I had a long distance relationship there was never any proof that he was cheating even though I suspected it.
Crazy, but gaining a lot of other negative public information about him still did not deter me- probably because emotionally I was in too deep. For whatever reason something finally clicked in my brain when we had out last fateful conversation. The disrespect and hurtful words were something I had not seen in full- blown form before. And then the cold robotic apology that came the next day told me I was no longer going to be his doormat – enough is enough! Without any warning I blocked him – no more arguments, pleading, disrespect or insincere apologies. That was 9 months ago and I haven’t looked back. If there are any moments recalling our loving and better times I tell myself breaking NC would only puff up his ego and he’d take full advantage of it and be in full control and I would be back to square one.
I feel free in that I’m not hiding my relationship from friends or family that could see through all of his empty promises and arrogant talk. I’m enjoying things again no matter how small they are. And my anxiety is so much less than it was during the relationship. I will appreciate the silver lining I mentioned hoping there is someone out there that is honest, caring and emotionally available. Yet, if that person doesn’t come my way I also know that I can be all of those things to myself. I feel I’m a better version of myself already!
FYI: I tried again to use the website to send my previous post and it did the same thing and disappeared, so copy and paste for me works so much better….I hope the same for you too. Thanks so much for your thoughtful insights…….always helpful:)
Blessings. -
Hi funlovemusic – so glad that you are here posting on lovefraud ! You are an inspiration and because of what you have gone through and survived so successfully, you are in the perfect place to be so helpful to others. I especially liked how you did not hide your situation out of shame because that is something that survivors tend to feel and that the abuse was never their fault and that shame should not be suffered at all. Thanks so much for sharing. blessings to you !
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Hi polestar; Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. I can surely relate to posts from people that are so confused and don’t understand what happened to them while suffering the after effects from their disordered partner. When my ex-N would go radio silent for a week or two and come back like nothing happened I sometimes thought I had been kidnapped by an alien and dropped off on another planet……..it was that bizarre and I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure it out. None of my previous relationships, no matter how they ended, had ever been this confusing. Yet that’s exactly what these disordered personalities want….to totally control and confuse while keeping us tethered to them. What we don’t realize at the time is that things become so much clearer once we remove ourselves from them. The clarity is amazing! It does take time to sort things out and recover from our addiction and their chaotic world because for a long time that’s all we knew. We kept coming back thinking we could change them and things would get better. They would brainwash us wanting full control in order to diminish their own insecurities. No one deserves to be treated like this! If only we could see into the future to realize life DOES get better without them! Blessings.
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A friend sent me this quote today and it really resonated: “Don’t ever feel stupid for loving someone who turned out to be everything they promised they would never be. But be proud that you still believe in the goodness of people, because that is rare. Don’t let it harden you. Learn the lesson, but keep that soft heart.” Stephanie Bennett-Henry
Being involved with a person who turned out to be NOT that person you fell in love with can be devastating, and healing from that hurt probably the toughest thing you will ever do – but I love her perspective of never losing yourself, of not letting that experience define you. I am proud of my “soft heart” – it is what makes me so unique. But I HAVE learned to protect it.
Kudos to all of you for your hard work and resolve – and never lose your soft heart!
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emilie18; That is a beautiful quote! Thank you so much for sharing. I think once we manage to get through the trauma and are on our way to feeling so much better can we really appreciate this quote and also appreciate and value the unique person we are. If we become hardened because of our toxic relationship it means they still have control over us. As you said, we can be kind to ourselves by protecting our heart, yet also lean into the beauty of experiencing the feelings of love. None of us expect to be duped by these cunning disordered personalities. I know I would react differently if I met my ex-N knowing what I know now. I’m not the same person I once was…..not as willing to overlook distinctive red flags and accept everything he told me. I still believe in people, yet I feel I now have a sixth sense and can determine what people are good for me.
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neversettle4less; I can certainly relate to the pain of your trauma. I’m sorry you have hit a really rough patch. I think it can be healing to lean into your pain and feel your emotions ……….you are already doing that by posting your feelings. There is no easy answer that can lift you out of these feelings. They are real and acknowledging them is part of the first steps in healing. You are doing the work with your therapy sessions so be proud of yourself for showing up for that. Stress can affect so many things such as physical aches, pains, sleep, etc. Every day, week, month or year that passes with no contact is a victory for you. The fact that you are thinking about becoming an advocate for others that may be going through what you experienced should be applauded and recognized as a part of your healing. You are healing through your dreams. Your dreams will become a reality. You are a fighter! This forum is a great place for you to express your feelings ……….we are all here for you! To better days ahead. Sending you healing thoughts. Blessings.
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neversettle4less; I got to thinking about how hard it is to get through our emotional trauma bond to our ex’s. I can certainly relate………in the beginning of our NC we struggle to reconcile what this relationship was really about. We look back to the good times and long for those feelings again. At the same time it leaves us feeling lost and sad thinking it was all a lie. There is a void that our ex once filled be it good times or bad there is definitely a void. That void gives us moments to think about so many things asking ourselves what we could have done to make it work.
The answer to some of these thoughts is being able to realize we did everything…….they did nothing. The relationship was real because the feelings we had and the love that we gave them was very much real. We were a mirror for them in order for them to mimic our love and our feelings. They don’t have the ability to feel anything because they are wired differently from the average normal person. They are a shell of a person void of empathetic, caring and loving emotions. They do not have a soul.
So whenever you question the validity of your relationship know that you were providing the validity….you were carrying the load and doing the work. They were only mimicking what we were putting forth to gain whatever they wanted in the moment whether it be money, status, a place to live or merely puffing up their ego. They are always on the hunt for a new source of supply. If not us it will easily be someone else. They can trade relationships like kids trade baseball cards…….it’s that easy for them without any remorse.
Remember, your love and all the glorious feelings you experienced were real. Theirs are manufactured. They are not wired like most of us and will never change. What an empty life they must have always faking as they navigate each and every relationship they encounter. The love we have to give is very special and meant for only the people in our lives that are deserving of our love and are able to reciprocate in the same way……..honestly, faithfully and truly from their heart. You can take that to the bank!
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Hi neversettle4less – that ” lets be friends ” maneuver is such a disgusting one that narcs use often which is actually a Discard in disguise. It is like a Discard and a Hoover combined ! But it is worse because you have been discarded but they keep you hooked, and then you don’t get to go No Contact and begin healing. It seems to make such good sense and you get tricked into it because it sounds on the surface to be so harmonious and if you don’t want to participate, you end you looking like the vindictive person in the equation. Oh, the tricks that they use ! – but our community is finding so many of them and with this knowledge comes much power and clarity and healing. Keep on with all that you are doing on your healing path. You might not realize how far you have come, but one day, because of all the work you have put into your healing, you will realize how much better and stronger than ever you will feel. Blessings !
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neversettle4less; I certainly can relate to your pain. The good times got us hooked somewhat like a drug. Ounce hooked we are not thinking or reasoning as we normally would- that’s exactly what the narcissist wants. We throw ourselves into this relationship with every fiber of our being as they stand back pulling the strings. Be proud of your ability to love with your heart. They on the other hand, will never experience that……they are an empty soul.
As you move forward in your healing I really feel your common sense will not allow you to be vulnerable to another narcissist. Give yourself time, give yourself grace and most of all give yourself credit for your strength. Once we are post -narcissist we will listen to and trust our gut. If it feels familiar and has an air of toxicity we will run the other way!
Continue to express and explore your open and honest feelings ……..we hear you! Blessings. -
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neversettle4less; my ex-N was religious………or so he pretended to be. I believe in a higher power and I’m more spiritual than religious. I guess you could say organized religion is not my cup of tea in light of the abuse that has taken place in many of the churches. That said, my ex said he always started the day reading the “Word.” He would take shots at me when he read scripture saying, “oh you don’t know anything about that do you?” Given his past had him scamming an elderly lady out of thousands of dollars I would retort with, “ I don’t have to read the “word” in order to know right from wrong.” Yes, they are truly wolves in sheep’s clothing! Your gut will guard you as you protect your heart and you will be amazed at your growth and strength as time goes by without him. Blessings.
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