I thought I needed a break from this site, BUT………..

[funluvmusic25]

I thought I needed a break from this site because at times posting about my ex-N triggered me. Funny how I can be my own worst enemy! At the end of this month it will be a full year that I went NC from my ex-N. I ended an eight year long distance relationship tiring of empty promises and seeing him for who he really is. I admit I have my moments when I miss who I thought he was and what seemed familiar. That said, every once in awhile I would google public records to see if he was involved in any recent activity because he did have a record of multiple DUI’s. Why do I care, you might be asking?! Obviously, I’m not free of my trauma bond and/ or addiction.

So I just happened to google him the other night and to my surprise up pops a picture of him along with a short story. The story originated from a food shelf operating out of a local church serving seniors and veterans with food boxes. I think the story coincided with Veteran’s Day. He had on his Navy Viet Nam Veterans ball cap and he never looked better……..in fact he really looked happy. I just sat there in silence almost numb with surprise and somewhat envious of how happy he appeared. If I’m being rationale his happy look might be related to the fact that this story is all about him and any narcissist loves to have their echo stroked. I’m really upset with myself for being so curious – it’s like I’m asking for trouble and torturing myself. Why, I ask?

My question is how do I stop myself from going back to that sight, for being envious of his happiness and for continuing my NC without weakening? This hasn’t totally paralyzed me, yet if I’m being honest it brought up a lot of cognitive dissonance.

So here I am again only this time triggered by my own actions. Any suggestions or comments would be most welcome and appreciated. Thank you!

[emilie18]

funluvmusic25: Congratulations on a year away. I know how hard you have worked to regain your sanity and self worth. Don’t let this photo trip you up. Remember – still pictures are a flashpoint of life – not the real thing. Anyone can fake a smile for a second. The photographer can snap a dozen shots and only pick the one that he thinks tells the story. Who knows what the discarded shots show – a sneer, a smirk, a side-eye or some other truer interpretation of the subject. Who knows why he was really at a food bank – maybe to work off some community service? So look on the other side and know that you made the absolutely right choice to leave, and that your life is better, and that even though there might have been momentary glimpses of happiness, the rest of it wasn’t worth it. Stay strong – and welcome back!

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by emilie18.

[funluvmusic25]

Emilie18: Thank you for your support and perspective. This photo does have me spinning and comparing my misery to his so-called happiness. He frequented food banks when I was involved with him. As a veteran he felt he was entitled to everything he could get, yet he would spin the story to have me believe he was helping other veterans by giving them food he did not need from his senior food box. You mention community service……….he did have 400+ hours to complete as part of a reduction in probation for his most recent DUI. I was aware of that and yet the way most narcissists spin their stories, it wasn’t his fault, he was profiled and once again he was the victim. As someone who was under his spell, I sadly bought it hook, line and sinker. What he omitted from this story is his license was revoked for 10 years. Given all of this, I’m sure this recent photo and story boosts his ego beyond words!

The one thing that keeps me steadfast in my decision of NC is any break of that gives him full control and he would smugly use it to make my life miserable. It’s so easy to slide back just because loneliness or familiarity, yet I also know what that would bring and I’d end upon the losing end. Cognitive dissonance is challenging to say the least! I wish there was a pill one could take to eliminate it.

I guess the one burning question I have is why do I torture myself by googling him to see if there are any new items in the criminal courts that pop up? To my surprise I found this pic and story that I never expected. I know my life is much richer in so many ways, yet I thought we’d both be sharing that life and the reality has me feeling defeated. I have lots to keep me busy, yet we always feel their life without us has gone on to be so much better and happier. It must be part of their brainwashing. Thanks again for the support and understanding! It means so much to me right now.

[Donna Andersen]

funluvmusic25 – Sorry about the circumstances that brought you back, but I’m glad you posted about them.

I would say that this incident means you still have emotional healing to do. That means allowing yourself to process your emotions – anger, grief, betrayal, disappointment – whatever it is that you are feeling.

So, in a way, seeing the photo was kind of useful, because it brought those emotions to the surface. The way we process emotions is by allowing ourselves to feel them. No, it’s not fun, but it is the path to healing.

I think you can reframe this experience as an opportunity to go deeper into your healing.

[funluvmusic25]

Donna, thank you for your feedback.

I most likely do have emotional healing to address. I’ve been angry, disappointed and grieving the loss, not only of a significant other, but the loss of a future I mistakenly thought we’d have together. You’d think after a year of NC I wouldn’t still be thinking about him. This incident brought a sense of sadness knowing how strongly I felt for him, yet knowing it was fabricated on his part. Knowing most narcissists do not have any real feelings or emotions also brings me sadness in the fact he doesn’t give the loss of me in his life a second thought. He always said he never had a problem getting a woman, yet he failed to realize he could never keep a woman.

I’m trying my best to reframe this incident, but I’m somewhat afraid of myself……..will I go back to this picture of him, will I try to contact him or write him a letter? That’s what scares me. I also know if there was any reaching out on my part he would take full advantage and I would become the pawn. I certainly do not want to go through this hurt a second time. Enough is enough! Thanks again for pointing out that this could be a healing opportunity. I appreciate your insight.

[neversettle4less]

funlovemusic25 Welcome back! Thank you for sharing your situation and how it’s been somewhat like a trigger for you. I agree with what others have said to you here and I will also make another suggestion that goes along with what Donna said. You probably do need to allow more of your emotions to be felt and processed. One way to do that could be getting out how you feel about him to him in the form of a letter where you just pour out all your thoughts, feelings, and emotions as if you are saying this to him however it’s just for you and you don’t give it to him or send it to him. So in a way where you mentioned what if I write him a letter? I say go ahead and write it to him but make it for you and part of your emotional healing. I have done this myself and I was surprised how much I had inside of me! Write anything and everything you feel and don’t hold back get it all out and then if you get mad, sad, or angry let those emotions come up and sit with them. They need to be heard and felt it’s all part of the healing journey. Hope that can and will be helpful to you. It was for me and again I’m glad you are back!

[funluvmusic25]

Hello neversettle4less! Yes, every once in awhile we get stuck or sad or triggered and doing anything but talking about our ex-N seems beneficial. That’s what happened to me UNTIL I came across a short article and picture of my ex. The fact that he looked so happy had me spinning. Everyone’s feedback helped, yet I think my biggest hurdle has been trying to figure out how I get through the feelings of the enormous love I had for him. I think in his better moments I felt loved too and always felt a sense of peace when things were good. I’ve since realized on his part it was most likely fake and for me it was the addiction at work. The peace I felt was the addictive “love drug” at work. I know now that I’m the only one that can fill myself with self love and value my worth.

I have always enjoyed writing and have written so many letters both to him and for myself. I yell, I reason and I try to come to terms with my letters. In the past I’ve been the one to send them to him and then he calls and the addiction starts all over again. This time has been totally different…..I removed myself from the relationship without warning after he tried to apologize for a disrespectful phone call. He pointed the finger at me saying if I didn’t accept his apology that was on me. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back……enough was enough! It has been a full year of NC and I’m proud that I finally was able to break away and do something different. Many holidays and birthdays have passed in the past year that I would have typically acknowledged, but this time nothing on my part. That had to be of some surprise to him which gives me a bit of satisfaction.

Funny, I recently drafted a letter to him, but for myself. I went over and over it perfecting what I wanted to say. After about a week or so I looked at it and deleted it realizing it was taking up too much of my time and attention. That tells me I’m healing if only in small ways. I’m not as triggered by my posts on this site as I once was and that means there must be some sort of progression too. Granted, I may not engage on this site as much, however everyone’s feedback and insight is always so valuable.

Thanks for all of your suggestions, neversettle4less and good luck on your journey as well!

[neversettle4less]

funlovemusic25 I completely understand how easily it is and can be to get triggered and then the spiraling begins the rumination, euphoric recall where you tend to reminisce and are reminded of all the good times and happy memories, and then the cognitive dissonance kicks in and a big cycle that keeps looping! Trust me I know it all too well. I will say that you should be proud of yourself for being able to stay no contact for one year, celebrate that! I am seven months no contact and I know it’s so hard to do and maintain especially after you’ve been triggered by something they said or did or as you did just seeing a picture of him. My ex is a YouTuber and musician and at times his music and content pop up and it is triggering for me. I’ve tried blocking him in every way I can but these random things sometimes occur. Keep focusing on your healing and realize that you are further on the healing spectrum then you realize and be proud of that!

[funluvmusic25]

Hi neversettle4less,
You hit the spiraling cycle right on target! Your description of what takes place is so accurate ………almost as if you were in my head…lol! I would agree, sometimes it can be challenging to block out everything, especially when things randomly pop up. In my case I was being just a bit too curious by googling and I never expected seeing a recent picture and article of my ex. Lesson learned, leave well enough alone.
Thanks for your encouraging words……..always welcome and appreciated! I will definitely stay focused on healing. Take care and be well, my friend.

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