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Hello,
I’m so glad I found this community. I found it by googling things my boyfriend was doing trying to make sense of it all and stumbled on to narcissism which brought me here. We’ve been together 2.5 years and live together in my house which I own. We broke up a week ago because I couldn’t take the name calling, insults, and irrational fights he kept instigating with me. I was walking on egg shells and in high anxiety whenever he was present hoping I wouldn’t set him off. Things have got a lot worse since the pandemic.
Why do I think he could be narcissistic or sociopathic? He came on strong in the beginning and swept me off my feet. Constant calls texts and attention. He told me within two weeks he believed I was his soulmate, shortly after he was telling me he loved me. Within 6 months (i was totally hooked at that point) we agreed he might as well move in with me since he was here all the time anyway. He at least always paid half the mortgage and utilities so he wasn’t taking advantage of me in that sense but he did ‘borrow’ $5,000 from me during that time because he was in desperate need of a car. I now know I will never see that money again.
The red flags really started showing after the first 3 months. He became furious one day because I was 6 minutes late picking him up for a soccer game. I was ignored and stonewalled for a day over that. I was accused of doing it on purpose to sabotage him somehow. Then the criticisms started coming. Why do you have to cuddle so close to me in bed? Why do you pour the water for the coffee so fast when you’re making it? you’ll ruin it that way. Why do you keep the cats dishes in the same cabinet as our dishes? Thats disgusting and they’ll contaminate everything in the cabinet. I caught him cheating also at month 4. He was acting particularly strange and distant one evening and constantly on his phone. Always hid the screen if I was anywhere near. I’m ashamed to say I went through his phone when he was in the shower and saw that he was clearly seeing someone else and in the process of sweeping her off her feet. We got back together a month later… so stupid of me. He’s cheated multiple times since then that I know of but denies it even when presented with solid evidence.
95% of arguments and fights are instigated by him. This year so far it has been a weekly occurrence. I can set him off with something as simple as looking at him the ‘wrong way’ Using the wrong tone of voice when asking him a question. If I ever try to start a discussion about how anything he does or says makes me feel i’m accused of being the one who always wants to argue or I’m accused of loving ‘drama’. If he says or does something deeply hurtful to me it’s because I ‘knowingly’ instigated it with my actions or words. It’s always my fault and me who should know better. I have the distinct feeling that he hates me. I don’t know how to describe it but it feels like not only does he not love me at all, he doesn’t even like me a little bit..
The fight that led me to end it with him started because I ‘rushed’ him to come outside to look at a beautiful sunset with me. I set him off when after waiting for 5mins I asked ‘whats taking you so long’. He said he felt like I was treating him like a child and I should not expect him to ‘come when called, ever’ When I tried to defend myself and appease him he lost it and started calling me names ‘stupid, small minded, you don’t understand anything’ I’m a 6year recovered alcoholic and he even dragged that into the arena ‘I know exactly what type of woman you are, an alcoholic whore. I know you’ve slept with hundreds of men’ ‘Also you’re awful in bed, I feel like I either have to be drunk or doing all the work to enjoy myself even a little bit’
He has threatened to hit me in the past but never did. He has pushed me into the wall on two occasions and swung me around by the collar of my shirt on one occasion which was scary. I’m done. I reached a point that I know I have to choose myself or lose myself.
We live together. If he really is narcissistic or sociopathic I’m scared this could get ugly if I don’t handle it correctly. He told me he needs two months to find a place…I don’t think I can handle two more months of his presence. I may have made a big mistake when I asked him this morning to please leave as soon as possible…He’s been out until 4 in the morning many days since we broke up (just a week ago!) and I know he’s trying to find my replacement. We are in the middle of a pandemic but to him that’s not nearly as important as finding someone to replace me or sleep with and I feel exposed to a virus I’d rather not catch so I told him this. He stonewalled me and will not respond… Any advice? What kind of person am I dealing with? Sorry this was so long. -
You might get Donna’s book Red Flags of Lovefraud.
SG
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aumara0718 – the guy is a sociopath – he could be diagnosed with either antisocial, narcissistic or psychopathic personality disorder. The precise diagnosis does not matter. He is toxic to you and you must get him out of your house and your life.
I recommend that you look into the landlord – tenant and residency laws where you live. Unfortunately, because he has been living there, he may have some kind of rights. Sociopaths are happy to manipulate the law when it suits their purpose, and you don’t want to be blindsided. Don’t tell him that you are doing this, but make sure you know what the law says.
He said he needs two months. You are probably correct – he is looking for a new victim. He will stall and make excuses as long as he finds it to be useful. That doesn’t mean that you have to accommodate him.
By the way, don’t kid yourself. he has been violent with you.
Do you have friends and family who can help you? Preferably big, strong men. You may want to literally throw him out – put his stuff on the curb and change the locks.
Also, be sure to lock down your accounts and electronics. If he’s been in your house, he has had access to everything.
There is no one best way to handle this. You need to evaluate your options, and your knowledge of his behavior, in deciding what approach to take. Definitely seek help, either from friends, family or the police. then make a plan and execute it.
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He could walk away and never come back, or stay around and torment you, but covertly, not physicallywhich means you have to put up with it, as police only take notice of physical injuries. Having been through this, give notice of tenay, pack your bag and go, because if he does decide to torment you, he’ll get most of your friends and family on your side, and convince them your mad and abusive till your all alone. Change phone number, email address, change Facebook page, and take control do he can’t contact you. It might seem like you’ve lost everything, but if you stay and try and fight, it might make you I’ll with anxiety, and then everyone will believe him that you are indeed the unstable one
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Hi there,
I could easily take your story and use it as my own. I am not going to list all the things this monster did because this is about you and you getting out. My situation lasted 10 months with the sociopath. I also had no idea I was being abused or what he was until well after we split.
My short answer is ask him to leave the next time he returns home but have someone else present. Two girlfriends, a man, a family member, anyone that will help you feel safe.
I do not know if the Police are able to help you with that, they would here in Australia. Hire a security guard?
Pack his things prior and change the locks. Whatever you do, get him out of your house. You can’t keep him there because you are scared of what he may do when you ask him to leave. Don’t worry about where he will live that is not your issue. You being safe is the only priority.
Change your phone number and block him on everything. Find your support people and lean on them. Do not listen to anyone who minimises what happened to you either. READ and investigate as much as you can to understand what he is and what he did to you (& what he will continue to do to you) Knowledge is power. The smear campaign against you will start now. Nothing has been your fault poor girl. Be strong and fight to claim your life back. That feeling is amazing.
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