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I want to be short and straight to the point. I am (or was) the mistress. No, I did not know about it so it was not something I elected to do. The wife doesn’t know anything about me and it doesnt matter anymore anyway. But, should she know that her husband is a sociopath?
He is charming and has great social skills to get what he wants. He is in the military (at least so he says) so I was told that he is deployed for months at the time. He came back unexpectedly every time and stated that he traveled around the world for me and spent thousands of dollars on tickets. I could not call, when i did once, he got mad and hang up the phone on me. Even when I knew that he was back in the US, he would never call nor text me. All comms were over email. When he did call, it was a hidden number like Skype, which is what the deployed guys use.
We got to the point, when we told each other that we loved each other. He referred to me as his girlfriend. He told me that he told his dad about me but I was never introduced to anybody in his family. In case of disagreements he became aggressive and insulting. He fed from being wound up, he enjoyed it. That led to sexual arousal in him. He is a sex addict also, a moderate one.
His itinerary never made sense. Times that he spent traveling did not add up. I traveled all over the world so I know how long flights take. The fact that we could only email did not make sense. He reached out to me mainly for sex and when he came to see me, it was only for a few hours as he always had a flight to catch. When I bought up the fact that I am not his pen pal or sex toy, he denied that that’s all I was to him – yet, he never cared about what I did, never asked about my work, my family and so on. He had no interest in me.
I did some research and soon enough found his wife’s Facebook page with pictures of them together, his ring on, which he never wore with me of course. They live an hour from me, have a house together. (Once he told me that he has no address and he is mainly at his parents house) When I showed the facebook page to him, he said that I discovered his secret. When I let him go, he fought back.It was a sport to him to get what he wanted so me breaking up was not acceptable. Many times, it was me who was the bad person. He lied over and over again. I discovered so many lies that my head was spinning. When he told me that he is deployed and ‘out of pocket’ he was with his wife and friends on vacation. The vacation that he told me that he never takes.
When we met, he was trying to date a young girl, 20 years younger than him. He was on a hookup site daily looking for online sex. This was all before me and who know what else.
We know how this story goes but this is my dilemma here.
1. I seriously do not think that his wife knows or suspects this. But is this even possible? In other words, can sociopaths have dual personalities when they lie to the girlfriend and not to the wife? Can they be narcissistic to one person but no to the other?
2. Should the wife be told? No, I am not going to but I do wonder if she loves him so much (which is what I see from the pictures) that she is blind. Women have good intuitions so can it be possible that she either has none or he is not feeding her with lies.
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Hi Macus1529, I was the wife of a sociopath. just prior to our wedding my gut alarm was saying he was cheating but had zero proof (before we had cell phones). He kept me so busy with wedding changes (really demands) that he exhausted me. He manipulated me in every way to control my mind. I did not want to marry him or even date him. I believe he knew this and this is why he exhausted me mentally & physically. I was used for money & to look normal.
My ex h & I both had jobs that required us to travel every week, for him sometimes taking him away for two weeks at a time. So I understand what you were enduring. I believe now he was cheating with “hook up sites” & strip clubs during his trips and I know for a fact he cheated for 2 years with a co worker. I had my suspicions about this but never had proof.
YES, I wanted to leave him before finding out about the affair & after but he fed me such bs lies “your the only one that ever loved me” “I cant live without you” “Ill never cheat again”…he literally begged me sobbing (fake sobbing) etc pity play, gas lighting, installed fear, broke my spirit etc to keep me in the marriage. It was an absolute nightmare. His daily chaos & drama escalated. I reached out for help with marriage counselors even stating all the traits of a sociopath when describing him (not knowing at the time what I was describing) with ZERO help from the counselors. I also reached out for help from friends/family but they too were not educated on sociopathic abuse and did not give me any good advise. Sociopaths emotionally beat down their spouse. I crawled out a shell of a woman that I once was.
I felt that he had cheated on me & even brought this up, only to have everything flipped around to “you’re the one cheating on me”. I was blamed even though I never cheated or even thought of cheating.
What I think the “mistress” does not realize is the level of daily emotional, mental, verbal & physical abuse that a sociopath inflicts on the wife to keep her submissive. The brain washing & mind control is inflicted every second of the day by the sociopath on the spouse.
I told my counselor (after learning that I was married to a sociopath) that I had my suspicions that he cheated on me 8 to 12 times during the marriage. She told me it was more like 3 to 4 times that as sociopath are serial cheater. I believe the counselors numbers over mine. Its most likely more. He travelled so much and what I have read from others posting is their husbands that travels also paid for sex from hookers. I believe this as my ex travelled to Asia quite frequently. And when I was just about to leave I found a credit card bill for $2200 at a “bar”.
Does this guy’s wife know he is cheating or carrying on a double life?
YES, but not clearly. She is most likely so exhausted emotionally, mentally & physically that she can not find the door out of her marriage. She might feel stuck because the sociopath has financially destroyed them (i.e. his travels that he does is expensive racking up his credit card bills and maybe other expensive purchases i.e. homes cars ex) that she feels trapped because she would owe half of their debt.
Her health is most likely in poor shape due to all the daily stress he creates. This also would prevent her from thinking clearly in escaping.
Does she know that he is a sociopath? most likely NO!! She is confused by his behavior. She gets some relief when he leaves most likely but if he is like my ex h (a sociopath) he called me almost every day sometimes several times a day to control me.
Can they be “narcissistic” to one person?
No. They are abusive to everyone. Sociopaths use all their mind games on everyone!! Even strangers. They get joy out of screwing with peoples minds.
They know how to push someone for fun but also know when to back off to make sure to have full control over them.
Should the wife be told?
For me the answer is YES! But only if you are in a safe place and can not be physically harmed by the sociopath!! THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT. If you chose to do this do it without your name. Just sent a letter with the words look up “sociopath traits” as your husband maybe one or guide her to love fraud or other sites.
My ex h was cheating with 3 women (possibly 5 not sure of 2) in two different states when I made my escape. I contacted each after looking in his cell phone and found out that I was married (and started the divorcing process) to a sociopath. I felt the need because I feared that he would kill one of them (or me).
I was in a safe place. I called one. She knew that we were married. She even knew me. I directed her to LoveFraud. The other two I wrote a letter. I kept my emotions out & just told them facts. One broke it off from him because, like you she had no idea that he was married. The other last I hear was still dating him. Not sure about now. I told her that he was a sociopath gave her sites to look at & books also. I felt obligated. She was to far brain washed by him to hear my words. She belittled me back in several emails. I did not take it personally as I knew then she was just a victims like my self of a very evil sociopath. But never the less one day she will look them up & piece everything together & also escape is evil grips.
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Macus1529, If he is in fact in the military, he is screwed. Adultery is a punishable offense in the military and not one they take lightly. The sociopath I dated was in the army and claimed he was separated from the wife and filing for a divorce. Of course, he was lying about the separation and divorce. He was also faking an injury to get a medical pension for life, but I didn’t know about that until much later on, after the bizarre break-up. I, too, felt sorry for his wife. But when the truth all came out, it turned out his wife had once divorced him for being a pathological liar (his platoon sergeant told me). Then she remarried him (!) presumably to share in his phony pension. I became the main witness to get him convicted of fraud and adultery. The option is open to you if you feel a strong need for justice. You can find out who his platoon sergeant or commanding officer is and turn him in for adultery. Be prepared for him to lie and pretend he never knew you. It definitely helps if you have pictures, emails, and voice mails, as I did. His wife will then find out without you ever having to tell her. If you don’t want to pursue this, and you just want him out of your life, allow for the possibility that his wife knows quite well what he is but stays with him anyway.
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The short answer to your question is yes, he will treat everyone the same eventually. It may not appear so if he’s in the love bombing phase, but he exploits everyone – it’s just what they do. The marriage may be a cover for his womanizing and other bad habits. There is no way he could care for her and be deceiving her with other women.
I understand your concern for his wife, as she is a victim, too. She may or may not know what he is. As he is a very dangerous person, you have no idea how warning the wife could come back to hurt you. She could also become very angry with you if she’s in denial. I’d think carefully before trying to contact her.
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As the sexually betrayed wife of a lying, deceptive narc- I think it’s best not to tell the wife. For starters, she may not believe you. Secondly, she will go through living hell when she finds about his affair with you. Sexual betrayal by a spouse is a painful and miserable thing to process.
She probably has some inkling that he has been unfaithful. She may be a victim of gas lighting, minimizing, blame shifting and deception tactics. These tactics diminish the self esteem, create depression/anxiety and render the spouse helpless.
There is no such thing as a “moderate sex addict.” There is no such thing as a “sex addict.” The work of Dr. Omar Minwalla is more consistent with sexually deceptive men. He calls them CASRD men: Compulsive-Abusive Sexual-Relational Disorder.
The 12-step model created by Patrick Carnes- is bunk. And it revictimizes the already victimized spouse. Sex Addiction does not exist in the DSM-5. Just personality disorders that incorporate sexual betrayal/deception.
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It’s possible that he has a dual personality- but highly improbable. You can learn all about sexually deceptive men on “I married a sex addict”- a website for sexually betrayed spouses/partners.
Men who intentionally, and willfully deceive their spouses are not crazy. They know exactly what they are doing. The fact that they go through great lengths to hide their secret sexual behaviors- attests to the fact they know what they are doing.
They do it because they can…..and they want to. The deception is part of the thrill.
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This kind of narc will eventually get caught and face the music. He will do the same things he did to his wife- to his mistress. Winning a cheater is like winning the bubonic plague.
Although most divorces are no fault, courts do not hold cheaters in high regard. It is probable that when the poor wife finds out- she will go through the ringer until she’s had enough. My hope is that cleans the cheater out financially- and leaves him on welfare.
Trust me, he will find a new victim as fast as you can blink. That’s just what they do.
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Do not “offer the wife support.” You are the last person in the world she would want to hear from. She needs support from close friends, family and professionals- NOT the other woman!
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