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I’ve lived with a guy for 10 years who I know has a level of Aspergers but also was raised by an emotionally abusive mother who I suspect has undiagnosed schizoid issues. I’m always wondering where his behavior comes from. He misses social cues and seems disconnected emotionally, fixates on topics to the extreme, but he lacks the self-awareness of these deficits that typical aspies usually have of these weaknesses. He sabotages, blames, dismisses, gas-lights, and lies like a narc, but with the aspie tendencies, after 10 years I still have no clue what I’m dealing with.
Anyone else know someone like this? -
jewel- I don’t know about Asbergers. Donna should respond soon.
SG
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Hi jewel – my opinion is that regardless of what his diagnosis is, the main point is how his behavior is affecting you personally. If his blaming, gas lighting and lies are causing you anguish, then you need to take steps to protect yourself. If you are not feeling pain from the treatment ( again my opinion ), then it would be called “ dissociation “ whereby your brain is able to stop you from feeling the pain that you would naturally feel. In that case, I would recommend therapy so you can get connected to your emotions. But I assume that you are hurting with the behavior you are facing, and after 10 years, I am sure that you have already tried everything you could to resolve issues in your relationship so you could have a relationship that feels safe. Studies have shown that emotional abuse not only hurts our feelings and messes with our psychology, it also affects our physical body, and can lead to many maladies. Therefore, my suggestion is to end the relationship. Amber Ault has a book called “ The Five Step Exit “ which addresses issues of how to leave a toxic relationship, as well as different character disorders and how to deal with people with them and how to make an exit plan, how to execute it all the way to showing how to proceed with a healthy life free of abuse. Thanks for your post, and please keep posting if you have more questions or concerns.
Blessings -
jewel80 – personality disorders to not have clear cut boundaries, so it’s possible for someone to display symptoms of multiple disorders.
I’ve never heard of people with Aspergers who are mean, and blaming, dismissing, gaslighting and lying are mean.
For you, the key is he “blames, dismisses, gaslights and lies.” These are definitely signs of narcissistic, antisocial or psychopathic personality disorders. Please keep in mind that people with these disorders, especially antisocial and psychopathic, consistently miss social cues.
In any event, he is not treating you well. This has been going on for 10 years. You deserve better.
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Hi All,
In regards to this post I after being through not just one narcissist with other mental illnesses but a second with bipolar and now the third if it was not for love fraud I would’ve never recognized because love is blind I was at the right place at the right time and was his placeholder.
I was dealing with a 35-year-old ADHD who had Asburgers but in addition to that he had alcoholism self medicated did street drugs and had no accountability never apologized and said everything that you had posted and more. He use me financially I put a roof over his head, etc. and he played me like a fiddle he started cutting back at working because he had it made. I am a widow almost 5 years out and I took the time off to heal but apparently were still vulnerable for this Sociopath to get his claws in me…. Do you think I would have learned but now I have I have armed myself with knowledge and planned my escape by leaving him in his hometown out of state with his family. I literally packed up in the middle of the night and left and came back to my home state.
He arrived last week with family to move things out and since I met him and after that three month honeymoon period, I could start to see a change
I have a long history of trauma and mental emotional and sexual abuse I’m a breast cancer survivor a divorce and a widow and each time I was by myself I was my best strong self meeting him was the worst thing that ever happened but it was also a good thing.I have a long history of trauma mental emotional and sexual abuse I’m a breast cancer survivor a divorce and a widow and each time I was by myself I was my best strong self meeting him was the worst thing that ever happened but it was also a good thing.
It allowed me to see the pattern within myself that I am clear target for narcissistic alcoholics and drug dependent men.
I just started celebrate recovery for codependency and abuse.
This is it three strikes and you’re out I am now on my way to a more beautiful happy confident me.
Get out as soon as you can make a plan like I did and I’m still dealing with a few things but I am going to protect myself there has been no contact whatsoever not from me.
Sad but true but the best thing is I have learned and I’m learning.
Blessings to you and strength.
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I want to add no contact is essential you only give power to somebody by doing what they want you to do you need to take the power back the autonomy the control of your life!
They are forcing you to need them you do not need them you need to find out who you are deep down how your soul and spirit soar and find true inner happiness.
Nobody said this road was going to be easy but anything worth it will be worthwhile in the end for your sanity and spirituality. For your peace of mind and for peace. Be mindful don’t get caught up in what’s around you and what’s going on in the world right now.
Admit your mistakes fall and get up but never stay down just keep moving moving forward slowly day by day you must live in the now and the present.
Thank you for allowing me to post as a new time poster I look forward to inspiring many.🌻
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Hi finallyfreeme – Your post was inspiring and will help many, as will your story. When people read other’s stories they gain validation and stop feeling shame and alienation. So thank you very much. Regarding the people who are targeted by sociopaths. Sometimes the person has had no prior experience and no information about psychological abuse and they are totally caught off guard. At other times, the target had a vulnerability that the sociopath can and does take advantage of. I am one in the last category because I was brought up by my great aunt who was a narcissist and was not the passive aggressive type – she was very mean. But I, being a child, could in no way understand what was going on. In a case like mine, it is pretty well known that the person as an adult will try to re enact the childhood trauma in another relationship so as to be able to consciously deal with it and overcome the sick dynamic. So that is just what I did. This is also the dynamic of those who have a string of unhealthy relationships. Along with many great books about hidden psychological abuse and sociopaths, a book that was helpful for those who do the re enactment scenario, is called “ Women Who Love Too Much “ – it is an old classic by Robin Norwood. She has lots of great stories in it and at the end there is a list of steps to take to become free of what she considers to be an addiction. Please don’t take this as a criticism because in the psychological abuse recovery community, the addiction component is also recognized. Anyway, I have found her steps to be essential in my own healing and have brought me far. I thought you might be interested, though you sound like you are doing very well. Thanks for posting, and welcome !
Blessings -
Thank you Polestar…..💓blessings.
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Hi jewel801 – I understand better what you are going through from your last post. There are many life situations when an empath is not able to physically leave an emotional abuser. Many individual circumstances. This point has been addressed in many books about psychological abuse, and the practical steps to take are explained as well. There is much compassion for all who face this very difficult dilemma. Shannon Thomas discusses this in her book called “ Hidden Abuse “. She herself is a psychotherapist and is very direct in her criticism for those who say that the only way to escape emotional abuse is by taking oneself physically away from the abuser by going “ No Contact “. When a situation does not allow that, she has an alternate plan that she calls “ Detached Contact “. She explains methods whereby the survivor can detach emotionally and psychologically from all the different maneuvers that are being played against the survivor. To do this, one needs to still do all the steps required of all who are trying to extricate themselves from horrific relationships. It is important to become educated about the strategies that are being used against you, so that you are aware and can deal effectively. Because it is mainly by our not comprehending what is going on that enables another to have psychological power over us. I greatly dislike when people respond to someone who is in pain, by giving them a bumper sticker brush off of saying something like, “ that’s life – get over it “. That kind of attitude is very unkind and beyond not being helpful. So I encourage you to read Shannon’s book that I referenced above. She has exacting steps that you can follow to get back your self and your spirit, regardless of your life circumstances. I also wanted to address what you mentioned about karma, and that you do not believe in it. I understand how you feel, because people use that concept in the same exact way that they use the “ that’s life – get over it “ mind set, only in this case they respond to any pain that you have gone through or are in with something like, “ that’s your karma, you brought it on yourself and you deserve your pain “. I’ve had someone adamantly tell me that and I bristled. It is just a mean spirited attitude. What is forgotten when thinking about the concept of karma is that it must be coupled with the concept of grace and forgiveness. So as an example, if someone is thinking negatively and filling themselves with thoughts of gloom, yes, karma says that the effect will be more negativity. But grace tells us, oh, if you are feeling hopeless and keep thinking hopeless thoughts, here is a way to change that pattern. It advises to use your will power to change your attitudes. And grace and forgiveness brings people and knowledge and many different offers of help. Anyway, thank you for bringing up that very important topic because many get stuck through not understanding the whole.
Blessings to you. -
Hello,
I have some experience in this topic. I was married to someone with both traits and saw both in a child. Additionally- I teach Social Skills for teens with spectrum or empathy issues. In my experience the question is empathy and how do they FEEL about hurting another? With spectrum stuff- they FEEL emotions, they have difficulty expressing or showing the emotions. The sociopath side does not feel but can pretend or put on a mask. A person who has both, yes- I was married into this…will respond to consequences…Example- If you hurt me- you must do 1, 2, and 3…or I will leave. Lesson: Hurt people and they leave. A sociopath is simply deceptive and the goal is power/control/winning/dominance.So are the social skills gaps because he can’t? Because he won’t? Or because he doesn’t care?
In the end…it doesn’t matter if you are being harmed.
In my case- I wrote a list of what needed to happen in order for the marriage to be saved, because I thought this was a spectrum issue….but in the end power/control/exploitation were demonstrated over and over.I learned that I don’t owe anyone a relationship no matter how damaged they are especially if this relationship is hurting me. I can’t tell you how much I grew, healed and have been flourishing since I left. I did see sociopathic behaviors afterwards too….Vindictivness…intentional parental alienation.
Soooo If this person has these traits- they need so much help but YOU are the one person who can not give it to them. You can only LEAVE…and then assess maybe 1-3 years down the road- have they truly changed. (In consistent action that is verifiable by others) IN that time period- you will heal so much you won’t want them back.
I was with mine for 19 years….I have empathy for your situation however…exploitativeness, lack of respect, abuse and inability to bond IS NOT LOVE and it destroys us from the inside out. It destroys our identities. I am soooo thankful to have given this man over to GOD and no longer try to be the fixer. Because his will is involved….if he does not choose to change….he will not. If he is a sociopath- he wants to win you…that is not LOVE – that is possession. You are not an object and he does not love you the way you love him.
There is a light on the end of this tunnel and respite after this valley. It’s called being FREE from an abuser or user….! I hope you walk through this. The Amber Ault book IS very good.
Blessings and love to you!
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Hi Jewel, if your partner “sabotages, blames, dismisses, gas-lights, and lies” then regardless of what psychological diagnosis he has – you need to end it and move on.
You CAN NOT ever have a healthy happy relationship with someone like that. Especially the lying should be an absolute dealbreaker for you. Break up and take some time for yourself alone to heal from this behavior. Counseling or self help reading online are both very helpful. Focus on yourself, your goals, your hobbies, go to the gym, reconnect with friends and family.
After you heal then you can move on by dating only healthy stable honest people. Stay away from liars and from people with psychological disorders and select healthy honest people instead.
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