Is he a narcissist, sociopath, or just a jerk?

[whatjusthappened]

I met a guy 5 years ago after my divorce. He seemed wonderful: smart, funny, charming, handsome. He moved fast, bombarded me with attention and promises of love, a future. There were red flags: he was just out of a long-term relationship, broke, had a drinking problem (would go out to bars alone and drink until he blacked out), and was unreliable. But he had many excuses for bad behavior: sad stories of his past (he told me he’d been abused as a child, he did 3 tours in Iraq and saw combat and awful things, his ex treated him horribly, etc). So I ignored the bad behavior and tried harder.

He didn’t make good on his promises, he became verbally abusive, and the skeletons in his closet kept getting bigger: he had been a juvenile delinquent, had a criminal history (including felony assault), multiple DWIs, had a stash of weapons, had been a drug dealer, had scary criminal associates, wanted his ex dead, accused me of cheating and threatened to kill the guy I was cheating on (I was loyal to him). He broke up with me many times and came back, each time proclaiming his love for me and promising it would be different. After a short period, the bad behavior would start again, and he’d run hot a cold.

At first, he wanted to see me 24/7, but over time, he became chronically busy. I started to suspect he was seeing other women, as he hid his phone and would disappear for days at a time, but he reassured me he loved me and wanted to marry me but was just stressed about money, so I started giving him money. But he stayed “busy,” calling me only when he needed money.

When I told him that I was starting to feel used, he told me it was over and blocked me, and I haven’t heard from him since. I did find out that he has been in another relationship for some time and lying to me about it.

He was awful to me, and the relationship was toxic, but I can’t stop thinking about him and wondering what happened. My mind has been spinning for 3 months now. How do I make sense of this? Why did I stay with this man for so long? Why can’t I stop thinking about it? It’s awful. Despite all this, I want him to come back. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

[emilie18]

whatjusthappened: Yes – he is all three! You are lucky he is finally out of your life. Don’t beat yourself up — his “plays” are classic – lovebombing, lying, gaslighting, all the times he “ran hot and cold”. He used you and abused you then discarded you when you finally said “no more”. Classic. Not that knowing this helps, I know – it still hurts. Now you need to do the hard work of forgiving yourself and moving on. And I know – that is NOT easy. Keep asking questions and reading all of Donna’s blogs — excellent support here. You are not alone. But you ARE lucky he is gone. Take care of yourself.

[funluvmusic25]

Whatjusthappened; Yes, I would agree, unfortunately your ex fits the description of all three disordered personalities. If we swapped out our disordered mates, although they may have different physical appearances, they all have the same mode of operation. Charming, handsome, attentive until their mask slips and we discover their empty souls. I met my ex-N when he was visiting some of his family in my city. I should have sensed the first red flag when on our first date he asked what kind of man I was looking for. With the information I provided he took full advantage and became what I described. I thought he was “the one.” We started an 8 year long distance relationship (6 hours away).

There were times when he would call me after a night out of heavy drinking and talk of our future and make grand gestures. He sometimes would slip with too much information and flags would continue to go up. I started investigating public information, which is pretty easy to find, and found multiple DUI’s, an assault and swindling an elderly vulnerable woman out of thousands of dollars. He had a drinking problem and he was a criminal, but did this deter me? Nope, because his explanations always seemed plausible and he seemed so remorseful. After a year he asked me to send him money stating that “he had messed up.” His explanation was vague as he explained “he’s a very private person.” When it comes to bailing a man out, for whatever reason I refused to bail him out. He claimed he only asked that of me to see what my response would be saying he respected a strong woman who has boundaries. Over the years if we had argued he would go radio silent for days or weeks. I’m sure it was his way of punishing and controlling me. I could never count on him and he was full of empty promises all the while building me up and telling me I was the woman he was looking for. He painted a picture of our future together and I bought in. I found I became addicted to him, addicted to his voice and addicted to his attention. Growing up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional family I now realize I had a very high tolerance for this type of toxic, dysfunctional relationship. Any normal, healthy relationship is too boring for me. It’s as though I always needed the adrenaline rush my ex-N brought to my life. In my heart of hearts I knew my son and his family would never accept a man like him and knew I deserved better, so for many years he was a well kept secret. It was as if I was living two different lives and what could it hurt since we were mikes apart, right?! Wrong…….I became entrenched in a very toxic relationship that had me questioning everything.
Nine months ago my ex-N had prostate surgery, and of course I checked on him every day and sent encouragement and get well cards his way. One night while he was recovering he seemed out of sorts and crabby. Our conversation was going nowhere, so I suggested we get off the phone and talk in the morning. He became verbally abusive , disrespectful and out of line. It was then that I realized his mask had slipped and this is what a lifetime with him might look like. The next day he called incessantly wanting to apologize, but his apology was very robotic and cold. He quickly said, “I’ve apologized, moved on and if you can’t accept my apology, that’s on you.” It was like a light bulb finally turned on in my head. I proceeded to block him and have never looked back! It’s been 9 months and I know I am done for good! I decided I was through arguing with him, reasoning with him and begging him to fulfill his empty promises. I also decided to journal the details of our fateful conversation so as not to forget how he treated me. Oh sure I’ve had my moments – addictions are hard to get over, yet I finally realize my life would be a living hell as his partner. The best revenge for me was taking the control he thought he had over me away from him. I’m sure after the fact he is turning it all against me – he was always quick to blame everyone else except himself. I guess whatever works for him in his delusional world! Fun fact…before our last conversation he had another DUI and had his license revoked for 10 years. He blamed everyone else for profiling him even though he ran a red light, officers smelled alcohol and he failed the sobriety tests miserably. That certainly is not a life I want to be a part of!

I will say I feel free and have found joy in life in general. Thanks to this forum I have learned so much about sociopathic narcissists and find they all have the same MO.
In closing, I hope I have provided some thoughts and insight to help you through things as you continue to heal. Blessings.

[whatjusthappened]

Thanks for sharing. Your ex sounds a lot like my ex. Come to think of it, most of the grand romantic talk of his happened on nights where he’d been drinking very heavily. Since I posted, the list of red flags keeps growing – it’s like my mind pushed them deep down and they’re popping up again in plain sight.

I also come from a very dysfunctional family, where substance abuse and physical/emotional abuse were part of everyday life. I was the oldest, and it was my “job” to take care of everyone, including my parents, and keep the peace or repair the damage and make everything OK again. I also now realize that being with a toxic, dysfunctional person, although scary, felt familiar to me, like home. I also knew in my my heart that I deserved better, so I hid the relationship from family and friends, waiting for him to change (I would “fix” him) before we got married. My life was very stable and productive before I met him, but with the chaos and stress he brought into my life, my job, health, and other relationships suffered, and I became isolated from everyone but him. Meanwhile, his behavior got worse and worse, one crisis of his would lead to another, he grew increasingly colder and more abusive, and he stopped putting in any effort into the relationship. His disappearances became longer and more frequent. Despite that, I kept doubling down on my efforts and giving more and more. At the end, I felt like I couldn’t live without him, even though he was killing me.

Knowing that I’m not the only one who has been through this hell doesn’t make me feel better, but it does make me feel less alone and crazy/naive. Finding lots of great stuff here that helps me make sense of the past few years of my life. I’m a few months out, and things are finally starting to get better. I just pray he doesn’t come back again like he did all the other times.

[funluvmusic25]


Whatjusthappened: After reading your post it is evident how we were easy targets for our ex’s. Somehow they seem to sense our vulnerability and come on as sympathetic and understanding only to turn everything against us. When I question my poor choice I have to remember they are not wired like we are. They aren’t capable of empathy, emotions or any real type of caring – everything is fake and they are always looking at what benefits them. The entire relationship was fake!

We share so many similarities from our background growing up in dysfunctional households. I too was the oldest and had three siblings. I always referred to them as “the kids” because I was like a surrogate mother at a very young age. I worried whether we would have a roof over our head or food to eat thinking my parents would lose their jobs due to excessive alcohol. As they were having drunken arguments at the age of 10 years old I planned out my “perfect” future as I tried to get to sleep. I worried that “the kids” would not be able to get their sleep due to the late night arguments. Being the oldest, I tried to protect them from the ongoing dysfunction. I took on the abuse and household chores and never had a happy, carefree childhood. To this day I’m hyper vigilant and feel I have undiagnosed and untreated PTSD. When I was finally on my own my marriage was going to be everything “normal” including the white picket fence! My husband was a hard working, good father, although he could be selfish at times. We raised our son and in his first year of college my husband and I grew very much apart and divorced after 24 years of marriage. There are several silver linings to my story in that I am proud to say I broke the cycle of abuse and dysfunction and sent my son out into the world with his self esteem in tact. After my divorce I went on to create my own life, having successful jobs, owning my own home, being part of my son’s wedding to my now wonderful daughter-in-law and welcoming my grandson into the world – he is now just starting his first year of college and I’m able to enjoy retirement. I’ve been able to have two different lifestyles within one lifetime which continues to amaze me! As a divorced, single woman my choices in men have not always been great – like you mentioned dysfunction and chaos feel familiar…..like home.

Being removed from my ex-N brings such clarity – the red flags were always there, but I see them more clearly after the fact. I could go on and on about the things he promised me when in fact I was lucky if I received 3-4 cards from him in the mail over the course of 8 years. He used to say “no one comes better then – – – (fill in his name).” I thought he was just sort of arrogant and dismissed it thinking it would be different once we were together. He also would tell me he never had trouble getting a woman. It was like he was planting a seed saying I could be replaced at any given moment and there would always be someone else to replace me. Given our long distance relationship I couldn’t prove there were other women, however I’m certain in his extended absences there were. When we argued and I suggested perhaps we should go our separate ways he would say, “ I’ll be the one to say when we are done.” The fact that I realized enough is enough and blocked him without any warning, pleading or arguing and it wasn’t HIS choice is my biggest reward in all of this. I truly feel his ego and pride will prevent him from ever reaching out to me. Had he truly been sorry or truly loved me he could put a letter or card in the mail, but to him that would surely show some weakness.

I know the comparisons may not make you feel any better, yet it helps knowing there are so many similar stories and like I’ve said, the disordered personalities of our ex’s could be one and the same person. Continue appreciating and taking note of your improved health and everything else with the distance from your ex. As we reflect, clarity can certainly help us! We can’t beat ourselves up over our choices, we just have to remember there is a part of society that is clearly not wired like we are. The blessing I take note of regarding growing up in a dysfunctional family reassures me because in turn it has blessed me with empathy, kindness, caring, and always willing to root for the underdogs. Stay strong as you navigate your journey!

[funluvmusic25]

Whatjusthappened; Reflecting on thoughts about my ex-N it made me think of the stories he relayed regarding previous marriages and/ or relationships. Obviously, these should have been glaring red flags. He married his college sweetheart after she became pregnant with his first son. His college experience was cut short when he decided to join the Navy rather than be drafted during the turbulent Viet Nam war. After his stint in the Navy he came home, yet lived as if he was single- not coming home most weekends along with heavy drinking thinking his wife should be grateful for a roof over her head and food on the table. He decided to re-enlist and was based in CA. During one of his furloughs he came home to find his wife had moved out and filed for divorce. He had very little contact with his son saying he wanted to live life large in CA. From there he met a woman in CA who, according to him, came from a very wealthy family. She got pregnant, they had a son and they had a very brief marriage stating her father had spoiled her and the N couldn’t deal with that. He continued living life large in CA as his wife waited for him to come to his senses and return to their marriage. As most narcissists do he circled back to her, she got pregnant and they had a second son. He even insisted naming this son after him! He spent little time with his sons saying he always told these women he didn’t want kids and blamed the women for getting pregnant. Typical narcissistic behavior, right?! This woman finally filed for divorce. At this point he was paying child support for fathering three kids. Along comes yet another woman that was easy prey, yet he claimed by this time he had matured and was ready to settle down. She becomes pregnant so they get married. He said she had postpartum depression after the birth of their daughter with the baby bonding with him while his wife became distant. He stated his wife had mental issues. He left that relationship when his daughter was only three years old saying he had to go back to his home state to take care of his mother who had early onset Alzheimer’s. According to public information his wife had a restraining order against him and filed for divorce. Before heading to his home state he had one last liaison with the daughter of one of his military veteran cronies. Guess what? Yup, she ended up pregnant with his second daughter. This time he didn’t marry the woman since he didn’t find out about the pregnancy until he was back home taking care of his mother. He blamed her saying she knew she would have been ovulating and tricked him by getting pregnant. He said she always wanted another child, had always “admired” him, so she chose him to be the father. He made it sound very noble, yet he never once looked back or kept in touch with any of his 4 kids in CA.

He knew that I had a good relationship with my son so he would try to pretend he had good relationships with his kids. There was a time he told me he was going to travel to CA for his youngest daughter’s high school graduation. Ahead of this trip he told me when he was departing and when he would return. He must have forgotten some of the details of his story when he slipped up and called me ahead of his return date talking business as usual. When I said, “ I thought you were going to your daughter’s graduation” his reply was, “how do you know I didn’t go?” It was all a lie trying to portray a loving and caring father. If you’re going to lie at least try to make it plausible and keep track of the details!

So back in his home state he was in and out of relationships, his mother had passed away in a nursing home and he had one more stab at marriage. This woman had a good job, grown children and owned her own home. Like all of his other marriages it was short lived. According to him she lorded her home over his head and he felt it should have been “theirs” not hers. He mentioned she accused him of cheating to which he claimed he was innocent. She also wanted him to stop drinking and attend church with her. He said her girlfriends tried to tell her she had a good man, but she didn’t see it that way and he claims he is sure she regrets it. She filed for divorce. By that time he was ready to retire and as he put it “his kids didn’t have their hands in his pocket any longer” – translation: he was done paying child support. After splitting up with his last wife he encountered two DUI’s only one week apart. Yeah, I’m sure she regretted having that in her life….NOT! Awhile after they divorced his wife’s grown son was killed in a car crash. When asked if he went to the funeral he said he did not. Talk about a lack of sympathy and respect!

He claimed to have established a relationship with his first born son who lives in his home state and is now a grown man. He stated that his son has forgiven him, which may actually be true. This would feed my ex-N’s ego and in turn he would have someone to take care of him in his old age. There is always something in it for the N.
I’m sure if all of this is true his son is craving a relationship with a father who was never around for most of his life. His son is a much better man than his father for sure!

He made everything sound so plausible as he told his stories. He had a boyish, charming immaturity that seemed to hook me every time. And then he would build me up saying he knew I was not like the other women in his life and with that I would double down and try that much harder! Yet during the times he hurt me he was cold and robotic and unlike most normal people he would never understand or claim responsibility or accountability for his actions or hurtful words. Because I always asked a lot of questions about his vague statements he turned it around blaming me for making him behave hurtfully. Yep, he was quite the piece of work!

If anyone is keeping track, at last count he married four times and has five children by four different women, yet he never wanted to have kids! Why did he end up with me?
He says he has matured and wants a “good” woman. He would also have a comfortable life in my home with someone to take care of him in his later years. Given my inherent trauma bond created by my dysfunctional, abusive, alcoholic family, it all felt familiar. In hindsight I was addicted to the emotional connection I thought I had with my N during our long early morning or late night phone calls when I opened up my heart to the projected future he falsely created. These things were the things I missed the most and were the hardest to let go of. My heart and emotions were wounded, yet time has a way of healing and bringing so much clarity. As soon as something starts to feel familiar to my childhood and my past it will certainly send a signal telling me it is not in my best interest. As challenging as this has been it’s taught me a valuable lesson.

Ironically, I raised my son completely opposite of what I had experienced, so why would he ever accept a man like my ex-N?! My son once asked “what son would want their mom to be in a toxic relationship with a criminal?” In my heart I knew that and had always wanted to bring home a kind, decent man who valued his family. I want to make my son proud of my choice. Perhaps some day I will surprise myself and do just that!

It amazes me the clarity one has after the fact! I would rather be alone supported by my loving family and good friends than to have someone like my ex-N in my life! I’m grateful for your posts with so many similarities. In the past if I would talk about my
ex-N it would have me longing for just one more conversation with him hoping things could be better. Instead my responses to your post bring me more clarity and reinforce my decision to continue cutting all ties with my N. I apologize for such a long- winded post, yet unknowingly you have helped me continue to heal! Thank you!
Blessings.

Sent from my iPad

[Donna Andersen]

Whatjusthappened – the guy s a classic sociopath. Checks all the boxes. Please stay away from him.

Also, know that you are a classic target – someone who grew up with disordered parents. It became your responsibility to fix everything, dysfunction seemed normal to you – all of this created vulnerabilities, which he was happy to exploit.

However, you can recover. I suggest you use this experience as an opportunity to focus on your emotional healing. You need to get the emotional wounds, from this relationship and further back, out of your system. I have lots of info on how to do this here on Lovefraud. With recovery, you can have the life you want and deserve.

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