Is he a Narssacist or Sociopath?

[sashadior]

So this 37 year old guy who I have been dating for about 4 months has been cheating. we had the discussion of dating others one month and and he said he wouldn’t and doesn’t want me to do so…..yet I caught him online still and willing to take a fake profile out on a date and cancel our plans for a stranger. Also he is divorced of 2 years with 2 kids and told me his ex cheated on him……And it gets worse I checked his phone and found out he was dating a 21 year old girl and she met his kids and father….that really hurt the most because I was sure it was too early and did not want to see those children hurt. He lied so much to me and her and if I had not punched my number into her phone messages with him she would not have known and we would not have been in contact. So we confirmed stories and had all the information we needed…we both left him. Whats his deal ? just a player or a sociopath maybe narcasist or a sex addict even

[Redwald]

Hi sashadior,

I’m sorry you had this experience, but congratulations anyway on “wising up” in time!

I’m afraid there’s not much I can add to satisfy your curiosity. When it boils down to it, I only have three words for you. One word in particular, a four-letter word, is really all you need!

The other two words are the disappointing phrase “Insufficient Data.” Based on what you’ve said here, it just isn’t possible to tell precisely what kind of creep this guy was.

Much of it is academic anyway. To start with, though I appreciate Donna’s reasons for choosing to use the word, “sociopath” is a term I personally try to avoid for the simple reason that different people use it to mean different things! On those grounds alone, some people might label this guy a “sociopath” while others might not.

Was he a “psychopath”? That term does have a more formally defined meaning, and indeed he could very well have been one. To make things more complicated, while some narcissists are not specifically psychopathic, it’s pretty much a given than anyone who’s a psychopath has narcissistic traits as well. The only thing I’d personally add in my very amateur opinion is that the vices you’ve complained of in this man are more specific to psychopathy–his lying, his incessant pursuit of sex–than to narcissism per se. So if you really need a label for him, I’d plump for “psychopath” as one possibility in preference to “narcissist.” Though some people, as I’ve said, like to use the term “sociopath” instead. So what the heck?

However, that doesn’t mean he was a psychopath, and you could very well be right that he’s “just a player” (whatever exactly makes people turn out that way), or indeed a sex addict just as you said. The worst thing about addiction of any kind–doesn’t matter if it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or whatever–is how addiction can rot away the moral fiber of the addict. In extreme cases it can lead him or her to lie, cheat and steal, or to stomp ruthlessly over other people’s rights simply to satisfy the addict’s craving. Consider how heroin addicts rob and even kill people to get money for their habit, for instance. So sure, for all I can tell, that guy could be just a plain sex addict.

It’s all academic anyway, because by now you know all you really need to know about him. That’s where that four-letter word comes in that I mentioned earlier. No, it’s not one of “those” four-letter words from Anglo-Saxon! It’s simply that he’s a LIAR! A liar and a cheat! Liar, liar, pants on fire! He can not be trusted! Not for one moment.

And trust is everything in a relationship. Without trust–and more to the point, trustworthiness, there will never be any foundation to build a relationship on. Our entire world, as far as it functions–which I know it doesn’t always!–is built on trust. Without trust, we have nothing. Incidentally, “trust” seems to be one word to which psychopaths ascribe no value at all. One psychopath couldn’t even explain the word “trust.” “I don’t know,” he said. “It’s just a word.” That’s all it meant to him, a word of such vital importance to all the rest of us.

I don’t want to push religion on you, but as I write this I can’t help thinking of what I learned in Sunday school, more years ago than I care to tell you–about the “wise man who built his house upon a rock,” and the “foolish man who built his house upon the sand.” It’s much like that old book title: “Everything I need to know, I learned in kindergarten.” Matthew 4:27 (I was raised on the good old King James): “And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it!” What dramatic words! But that’s what happens if we build our house upon the sand. It’s what happens if we try to build our lives–or anything at all–on a tottering foundation of falsehood instead of a solid foundation of truth. It doesn’t work. It “falls down.” And the same happens if we try to build a relationship with an inveterate LIAR who can’t be trusted.

While it would be interesting to know just why this guy was the way he was–I do appreciate your curiosity, being one of those insatiably curious people myself!–unfortunately there are some things we may never know for sure. What is important is to know the things we need to know! And knowing he’s a habitual LIAR is what you need to know most!

But again, congratulations for having your wits about you (which is every bit as important), for being properly skeptical (which too many people are not) and figuring him out.

And better luck NEXT time! There are some good guys out there, as Donna will tell you.

[Donna Andersen]

Sashadior – Redwald gave you a great answer. After anyone is been involved with one of these creeps, it’s natural to want to figure out what just happened. What was the guy’s problem?

So if that inspires you to educate yourself about personality disorders — psychopathy, sociopathy, narcissism, even borderline personality disorder — great! Experts estimate that 12% of women and 16% of men have these disorders. That means there are 47 million of them in the U.S. We all need to be aware of this and watch out.

In order to protect yourself, the precise diagnosis doesn’t matter. Just know that they are out there and stay away.

[sashadior]

Thank you. I feel more confident and reassured in my judgments and my intuition. I am a very independent woman and have always been just fine alone. So I am going to take the time to build myself up. Luckily I was able to save that poor naïve 21 year old from a world of heartache and pain.

[Author]

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