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I just found out that the guy I’ve been seeing for the past 3 years has been living a double life – he’s married and I was unknowingly the other woman.
Sorry in advance for this being a long post, I feel like there is a lot to unravel:
We started off as co-workers and there was instant chemistry between us. He was charismatic and charming and I was completely drawn to him. We would talk all day at work through our IM system (7-8 hours) and then another hour before bed every night. Admittedly, when this started, I knew he was engaged, but even against my best judgment, we continued our emotional affair. Everything between us just clicked and I thought he was my soulmate. He knew more about me and understood me better than anyone ever had, and he would tell me the same. I had never loved someone so deeply before. Eventually things became physical and he told me he would call off the engagement, that I was his perfect match and that he wanted to be with me. Well that never happened. A week before the wedding he told me he couldn’t go through with calling it off and I was completely heartbroken and told him it was over – I couldn’t continue having an affair if he was a married man. The night before the wedding though, I had countless texts from him:
“Calling off a wedding is a dick move, whereas a divorce is ‘We tried, it didn’t work’. I know I shouldn’t care what people think, but I do, so I think this is what’s best for the long-term. I’m telling you right now that you’re not going to lose me forever like you think you will. Just because I’m handcuffed and have to go through with this doesn’t mean I want to and doesn’t mean I don’t love you more than anything in the world. A marriage where all I can think about is another girl isn’t one I can see myself being happy with. I promise you I’m going to make this right. I love you too much to wonder “what if” for the rest of my life and care about you too much to see you unhappy. It kills me that you’re having one second of sadness because of me, but if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”
Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone that’s saying that to you? He knew exactly all the right things to say. So when he got back from his honeymoon and he said he would be filing for divorce soon, I believed him and we started up again. And as far as I knew from that point on, the divorce was underway. Not only was he telling me it was, but I was seeing details about it with my own two eyes. He showed up to work one day with his entire closet in the backseat of his car saying that he had moved out and would be staying with his parents for the time being. He started showing up to work about 10-15 minutes later every day after that and blamed it on the new commute. I would even see him leave work and make a right towards his parents house instead of the left he used to take. I had no reason to believe he was lying to me.
Things between us were a little weirder than they had been before though. He wasn’t coming over as often, he had stopped sending me all the cute texts that he used to, and he still didn’t want to tell people at work about us or introduce me to his friends or family, even though he had met mine. I would get fed up and tell him that I was tired of being some big secret, that I wanted a normal relationship. He’d blame it on the fact that he was affected by the divorce more than he thought he would be and just needed a little time to heal before he was ready to fully commit to me. I would feel bad then for pushing him too soon and agree to give him some space, thinking that’s what was best for the long-term. This went on for about 2 more years. It was a cycle of me getting impatient and wanting more, and telling him we needed to take a break for him to get his shit together. Within a week, he’d always come back telling me he missed me and that he thought a lot about it and was ready to give it a try for real. And for a few weeks after that he would, but then he would slip back into his old ways and the cycle would repeat. He was always giving me just enough to hang on though. He even went so far as to tell me a whole sob story about how he was seeing a therapist to help him get over the divorce and be less selfish so that he could be the man I needed him to be in a relationship. I knew it was stupid, but he was like a drug that I had to keep going back to, even though he kept hurting me over and over.
During this time, their house went up for sale and sold within a week and he told me that was the last step of the divorce and that everything was finalized. I even saw the real estate listing so I knew it was true. I thought everything was finally working out the way he said it would and that we could get our relationship started for real.
I started catching him in a lot of lies after this though. The biggest one being that I had found out that him and his ‘ex-wife’ had bought another house a week after they closed on their first one. I immediately confronted him with all the worst case scenarios running through my head, but he told me it was simply an investment property. That their realtor had a house flipping business on the side and that since they had both moved back in with their parents after the divorce and weren’t doing anything with the money, they went in on one of the houses to flip. This made more sense to me than anything else that was running through my head, so I chose to believe him, but I started having a very uneasy feeling that things weren’t how they said they were. He had an answer for everything though every time I confronted him about one of the lies and made me think I was crazy for thinking there could still be something going on with him and his ‘ex-wife’. After the 5th or 6th lie though, I couldn’t shake the gut feeling I had and couldn’t trust anything he told me at this point. I finally texted his ‘ex-wife’ to ask her myself if they were divorced. I thought she would just confirm everything he had told me and I’d have a little peace of mind, but no. She said that they were 100% together and there was never a time where she thought that they weren’t and demanded to know what was going on, so I told her everything. I was completely devastated and as blindsided as her. How could neither of us have not known or seen it? I couldn’t believe he had gone through such great lengths to carry out all these lies. Had he really convinced her to sell their house and buy a new one just so he could show me the real estate listing and to try to prove to me that the divorce had happened?
I haven’t gotten any kind of explanation from him. He’s been completely ignoring me for the past few days when I try to ask for answers. I understand why though – I’m the other woman and his first priority is obviously going to be to try to talk his way out of it with his wife, but it still hurts like crazy. The rational side of me is glad I’m not the one that was married to him and that I can get a clean break, but at the same time, the side of me that is still head over heels in love with him is hoping he really will get a divorce now that she knows everything and come back to me and things could finally be how I had always imagined at the start of the relationship. I know that sounds so stupid and I’m doing everything I can to talk myself out of that, but I can’t help it. He really was like a drug to me and I’ve never loved anyone so much before, despite all the hurt and bad times.
The few people I’ve told have been telling me he is a sociopathic liar, and after reading about it on the internet, I’m starting to agree. Are those feelings normal when dealing with a sociopath? I don’t understand why any part of me would still want him after everything that has happened. How will I ever get over this?
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dll- He sounds like a sociopath. He will not change. The need to go No Contact to heal from the betrayal. There is alot of information here. Take it a day at a time.
SG
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dll623, this guy is not just a sociopath….he is a con artist pathological liar!!
Look up the terms here on Lovefraud & the net:
Pathological liar
gas lighting abuse
sociopath triangulation
sociopath addiction
No contact rule
sociopath smear campaign (this is what he may do at your office BEWARE..sociopaths are nightmares & will always try to turn the table & act like the victim! The problem with an affair at the office with a sociopath is that if you go to HR you could get fired for ethical violations. So, if you feel that you need to because you work with him then you might want to hire a Employment lawyer and have the lawyer let them know this guy targeted you & that he will most likely do it again (this is what sociopaths do).
YES!! His wife is a victims & so are you of this evil mind twisting sociopaths.
I can tell you from the wife side that YES…he is manipulating her back into his evil con game with lies…he is blaming you and trying to create a “sociopath triangulation” you against his wife. It worked when my ex h did this to me. I shifted the blame all to his mistress because he told me that she was out “trolling” for someone since she was not happy at home with her husband. I was so broken down by then trying to sort out his daily none stop lying that my head was spinning & my body was under so much stress caused by his crazy behavior.
HE was able to con me back in & sadly I stayed years after that two year affair of his only to find out that he was cheating with at least 3 women (possible 5) in two different states!! This guy is not just leading a double life with you & his wife but he no doubt has MANY MANY MANY women hooked into his con game!!!
When I told my counselor after escaping that I believe my then husband had cheated on me at least 12 times…she told me it was more likely to be 3 to 4 TIMES THAT!! Because that is what sociopaths & psychopaths do…the cheat endlessly.
I believe her now.
LISTEN TO YOUR FIRENDS!! They have your back!! They want the best for you! And they have not been brain washed or under this guys mind control (YES!! MIND CONTROL) but, you HAVE!! He is your cult leader & you are his cult follower!!
HE HAS CREATED AN ADDICTION IN YOU TO WANT HIM.
YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM…HE HAS CONNED YOU WITH HIS LYING MANIPULATIVE WORDS TO BELIEVE YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM.
Following the NO CONTACT RULE (do a search on love fraud & the net for this) & reading reading reading everything here at lovefruad will help you to break free from his mind control.
I would recommend that you buy Donna’s book (site created of Lovefraud) Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath. This will help wake up your mind to see the truth with this evil guy.
I would also recommend that you go to your local abuse center for free counseling. They will not say the work “sociopath” but they have the experience to help you free your mind also attend their free women group meetings they are eye opening to know that you are not alone & that other women have experienced the same thing you have.
One of the most important things to do is to keep educating yourself on sociopath behavior so that you can spot one in the future as they are literally EVERY WHERE. Experts believe that we meet on in passing everyday!!! And that we have one in our circle of friends, family or co works. SO be alert.
Last you do not what to have any more conversations with this guy at work, in person outside or work…block him from your social media and do not contact him in any way. This guy might seek revenge since you told his wife & now his little pathetic life is crashing down around him. Especially at work. He may try to get you fired. SO just AVOID him at all cost. This is why it’s good to get a lawyer just to tell the lawyer. Have ALL your friends that know about this guy write down NOW what you have told them..this can be used in court if needed be such as a restring order etc.
Keep reading here at LF, venting & posting questions.
Sending you hugs hon. You are going to survive this nightmare you are dealing with. And you will thrive.
Count your lucky stars that you are NOT married to him…divorcing a sociopath is the bottom of hell…they do not want to let go of ANY of their victims especially the ones they have trapped in marriage.
Wishing you all the best,
Take care.
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Take care of your health now too…the stress you have been under trying to figure out his lies from day one has most likely cause PTSD and part of PTSD I believe from my own healing is adrenal fatigue. Look up Dr Lam. com & Adrenal fatigue for symptoms of adrenal fatigue.
Short list of symptoms: Anxiety, depression, mood swings, sleep issues, racing mind etc etc.
Look up also the free documentary called “Super Juice me” on you tube to flood your body with much needed vitamins & minerals that have been depleted from all the stress you are under. My doctor gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal vitamins & instructions to take them 4 times a day (one was just b complex). This helped to calm my mind & body. Also magnesium before bed is good to be able to sleep. Check with a doctor before you make changes.
I have zero affiliation to these items listed about…just part of my own healing.
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dll- You are grieving the loss. It is part of recovery.
SG
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Hi Dill523, ahhh I read so much sadness in your post. It’s earth shattering to learn the truth about the person that we were in a relationship with. The lies, for me were the worst offense that my ex did to me. I hate liars, always have…yet I married a pathological liar. He would lie to friends about what he eat for breakfast, he lied, lied & lied.
And for me I was in denial…just like every victim is…including you 😢
I’m so sorry that you got hooked into this sociopaths con game. It’s so hurtful…but, with time, you will see the best thing that happened in this manipulative relationship…is the fact you escaped!! Hopefully his wife will too soon.
During dating & marriage my ex h, there were times I thought he was cheating. But, could not figure out when. We got married prior to us having cell phones so it was much harder to catch him.
But, there were many many many RED FLAGS that I ignored…just like you posted.
we all want to be loved. And we want to love someone. We have been so messed up with Romantic Hollywood films that have brain washed us to believe when you meet your “soulmate” that’s it, we ride into the sunset….but, that is not really life on Planet Earth. The bulk of people in Hollywood are narcissist, sociopaths & psychopaths. They are manipulating all of us.
I called my ex out when I thought he was cheating with a co worker. They traveled together on business (and other coworkers). She was 15 years older, married & a son in college. So I really did not think he would cheat with her & versa. But, there were signs even thought I never meet her, he would talk about all his co workers and I met all of them except her.
He keep spinning my head. he even stated “When would I have time to cheat”…but, the reality is he cheated on me, with this other woman (a victim too) and he cheated endlessly. it was every hard to wrap my head around everything. When I finally started to find proof (not cell phone as they chatted via work cell phones) but credit card bill purchase etc. And mostly GUT INSTINCT (which your gut alarm has been going off for a LONG time!!).
By then he & her were being called out at work about talking to much on their company phone so much so that other co workers went to HR saying the thought they were having an affair (I was left in the dark about that). Because of this he & she were called down to HR (again I was not aware of this). He came home & told me that he thought he was going to be fired. I asked why? but he said he did not think he was doing a good job (again spun my head away). They both got together & talked about how they would handle these HR meeting. HR believe their BS lie.
I called him out on him cheating with her…he lied AGAIN. But my mind was awakening (like yours) to all the lies he told me…and I started to sort out all the things that he told me and my gut just went in full motion. I too called HER husband this time. he was in shock..he would not let me get off the phone for 3 hours. We compared her phone bill with my ex h phone bill (by then they stopped using the company phone for their personal calls & each got their own cell phone). 95% of the phone calls were to each other…they literally talked all day long…at night. I called him…he was on a business trip with her…I called him out. Said I wanted to talk with her…they both lied. She was actually happy that I found out & her husband because she too was tired of not being able to carry out their relationship publicly.
My head just emotionally exploded with finally seeing the truth. like you I could not eat..lost 10 pounds that first week, which I was skinny so 10 pounds was a lot of weight. I sobbed all day long. Went to work on a business trip & got to my hotel & sobbed for hours. It was gut wrenching emotional pain to sort thru. At this point I did not know who he was..but I knew he behavior was never normal. I actually never wanted to date him, move in with him or marry him & everyday I wanted a divorce. like this guy you are entangled with…my ex h manipulative conned me & used lovebombing etc to keep me in his grips. They know how to play a sick mind bending game…and they Love every second of screwing with peoples minds. Like a cat playing with a mouse.
There were times that I too wanted to be back together when i finally left for good…but, really it was not to be alone more so then with him. I know this now. He has spun my head so much & caused so much stress that my hormones where all over the place. This is part of the issue you are experience right now.
Do you know that when you break up with someone (even a normal person) a high amount of cortisol is released from the adrenal glands? plus other hormones. This cause a lot of stress on the body & mind. And this is what you are experience. And why you cant eat etc. This is why you want him back too so that your mind will calm down. So this can take some time to calm your nerves down. The things I posted will help above about your health.
Do a search here on LF for “hormones”
Do you know that a sociopath uses trance, hypnosis?? YES!! SO SCARY!! Look this up on Lovefraud & net. It’s scary once you start researching the craziness that you have been in.
A sociopath will also use reward & punishment tactics to train us so that we put up with their coming & going and their horrible behavior. They train us just like a circus animal is trained into submission. This guy trained you into submission
They use gas lighting abuse (goggle & look here on LF)
They play so many head games twisting up our minds that we do not know which way is up & which was is down. They manipulated us so much that we literally become depended on them…like a child depended on their parents. They create an addition with their loveboming (search this here on Lovefraud).
All of these evil sociopaths tactics were used on you…and now you need to break your mind free from them. It’s not easy. It’s an addiction like sugar, food, drugs alcohol. But, with time you will break your mind free and the withdrawals that you are experincing now.
KEEP READING EVERYTHING AND RELATED IT TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS EVIL SOCIOPATH. THIS WILL OPEN YOUR MIND UP and then you will start to heal.
ALL Sociopaths will attempt to boomanrange back into a past victims life…this guy will most likely will too…but BEWARE he will come back to destroy you for exposing him!! Sociopaths Hate to be exposed!!
When I took my husband back after that affair above..he destroyed me little bit by little bit until I literally crawled out of the marriage broken down emotional. This is what they do. They destroy everyone in their path for fun! This guy is not different.
You are going to get thru this nightmare. You will be stronger. And you will then have one of the Keys to how this Planet operations. You will be able to spot these people & instantly impose the no contact rule with them right away.
The no contact rule is the only way to have peace & calm in your life. Day one starts now!! 😊😊😊
Hope this helps out.
take care. 💜💜💜
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Hi dll623, look up cognitive dissonance. This will explain why you hold to different belief system with him. He’s good/he’s bad…but, really he is ALL bad.
It takes time. Maybe 6 months to really clear your mind…but, then maybe another year to feel like you have healed…maybe years because you are triggered by things. The important thing is to Go FULL NO CONTACT…that means block him on your phone, social media etc. AND YOU DO NOT LOOK AT HIS SOCIAL MEDIA TO SEE WHAT HE IS DOING! This will keep you bonded to him every time you look at his social media.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING = HE IS ABUSING & CONTROLLING OTHERS!!
They dont feel…they dont care about anyone. My ex new this & he would drop bread crumbs..the problem was I did not know how to interpret his trail of bread crumbs. Now I know he knew who he was. He also knew how to control my mind. This guy knows this too. He deleted that maybe to hurt or he has a new victim in his grips & he is making a play list for her to think he cares about her. He does not. He only cares about his needs & destroying others.
I know that your heart is breaking hon. It’s hurts tremendously. It’s really is earth shattering to learn the truth. It’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact he does not care. But, the more you read & related it to how he treated you…you will see that the best thing that happened is that he is not in your life any longer. With time you will be thanking your lucky starts that he is gone.
These feelings do not happen over night. I remember many many many days & nights sobbing my eyes out. Angry at myself for falling for his BS when I saw who he was…but, now I just thank my lucky starts that I escaped his grips & that I have peace & calm in my life. I feel for whoever is in his grips now, because it is hell to be in his grips. And for you when you were with him it was hell. You just cant see that now…but you will. It just takes time. So be kind to yourself now.
Day 1 of no contact starts now!! 😊
Keep yourself busy..clean your house or brush your teeth when you start to want to contact him or look at his social media instead. And also come here & read everything here at Lovefraud. It really does work to clear the mind & keep the focus on the fact he is evil.
Wishing you a good night. Take care. 🌺
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dll623 – I am so sorry for what happened to you. The guy is a complete sociopath. I know how shocking it is – this level of betrayal shakes your whole world. It will take time to recovery. He was never in love with you, but you were in love with him! Your feelings were authentic. Even though you now know the truth, the feelings don’t just instantly go away.
We have a webinar coming up on “EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath.” You might want to check it out. I think it will help you.
Video: Finally, how to break your addiction to the sociopath
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dll623,
“Calling off a wedding is a dick move, whereas a divorce is ‘We tried, it didn’t work’. I know I shouldn’t care what people think, but I do, so I think this is what’s best for the long-term. I’m telling you right now that you’re not going to lose me forever like you think you will. Just because I’m handcuffed and have to go through with this doesn’t mean I want to and doesn’t mean I don’t love you more than anything in the world. A marriage where all I can think about is another girl isn’t one I can see myself being happy with. I promise you I’m going to make this right. I love you too much to wonder “what if” for the rest of my life and care about you too much to see you unhappy. It kills me that you’re having one second of sadness because of me, but if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”
This is a bag of lies, manipulations, and re-directions.
First of all “we’ tried and it didn’t work” is just the TIP of the Big Lie. His wife likely tried very hard. He not at all.
Then, “I shouldn’t care what people think, but I do”. No, he doesn’t really CARE what people think, but he does want to manage his image out in the world, so no one catches on to his REAL behaviors.
“I love you more than anything in the world”. THE BIG LIE. He loves NO ONE. No person, animal, rock, tree…nothing.
I think you get the picture. If you look at what he has written, like holding it up to a mirror to see the 180 degree view, it is both OUTRIGHT LIES, and also ‘TELLS’. Tells are when they are providing us with all the facts of who they are, in a kind of reverse language.
His tells are:
1. I am a cheater
2. All my moves are indeed ‘dick moves’
3. I don’t love anyone or anything
4. I never make anything right, I only make them wrong. This gives me POWER
5. I like seeing people unhappy. This gives me POWER
6. I love that I am causing you (or anyone) pain and sadness. Again, power and control
7. And, if you let me, I will make you unhappy and confused, for as long as I can; maybe for the rest of my life. -
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It will take time and distance. You will be able.
SG
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Hi dll623, I know it’s hard now. One of the reason why you can’t wrap your mind around the fact that he is a sociopath is because you are a GOOD person & you want to believe there is good in everyone. THIS IS NOT TRUE!! this guy was messing with your mind from day one to condition you to accept his bad behavior.
You Ask:
How do you even move on from that?
One day at a time…during this healing process (which you will heal) you have to be kind to yourself. You can’t beat yourself up. This guy is a masterful manipulator, you are NOT his first victim…and will not be his last victim. I read that sociopaths have over 100 victims on average.
Most importantly FOLLOWING THE NO CONTACT RULE…keep this guy out of your life for good. Everything you let him back into your life he will only mess with your mind..the longer you return to him…the longer it takes to heal.
Watch his action vs listening to his lying manipulative words. His actions are telling you exactly who he is!!
SLAM THE DOOR SHUT ON HIM ASAP!
You state:
I feel like I’m never going to be able to trust anyone ever again.
This is a normal part of escaping & trying to figure out the hell you just endured. EVERYONE feels this way when the find out they were entangled up with a sociopath, Including me. You have just learned that you were living a true nightmare with a sociopath “monster”.
Your mind is still processing that plus unraveling everything he did to you. ALL of your emotions that this guy suppressed in you are/will come up. It’s scary to deal with all of those emotions. You will go thru the grieving stages just like if you had lost a loved one that passed. SO look up the grieving stages.
Donna (Lovefraud site creater) has writing many articles on “healing steps”. Just do a search up at the top. KEEP READING everything. IF you go up to the search bar you can type in what every he did and there most likely will be an article on that subject.
YOU ARE GOING TO SURVIVE THIS AND YOU ARE GOING TO THRIVE AGAIN. Yes, you will see the world for how it is & you will be able to see the bad sociopaths who are blending to our society.
GOOGLE: Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube. And watch their videos on listening to your gut instinct. This will help you to re-train your mind on listening to your gut instinct. His book is The Gift of fear (your library may have it). You saw RED FLAGS with this guy from day one…and like all of use we ignored our guy feelings. Think back to the first time & other initial meetings with this guy & write down on a piece of paper those RED flags that you saw. Start disecting his manipulation. And then read articles here on what he did.
Look up if you have not already:
Sociopath smear campaign
Sociopath triangulation
NO contact rule
Gas lighting abuse (this normally happens when dealing with a sociopath)ALso…get your health in order. When you are in a abusive relationship with a sociopath your hormones get out of balanced. There are articles on this here on LF so look those up.
Look up Mia Lundin book Female brain gone insane.
Try to heal your body & mind with natural hormones if you have to go this route. OR better watch the free documentary on you tube called “Super Juice me” and read books like “Eat to live” by Dr Fuhrman see his you tube videos. This is very important to get your hormones balanced again.
Look up “Adrenal fatigue symptoms”…juicing helps to heal this issue.
I know right now it’s very hard to make changes…you are most likely sobbing most of the day…but, just try to make some positive changes. But, also let those tears out as our brains know how to deal with trauma naturally and crying is part of the process.
Also, buy Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath. This will give you valuable info and also you can read it over & over when you are talking yourself out of the fact HE IS A SOCIOPATH. I would also recommend you look into Donna’s web seminar too just look up at the top for “Book store” and “education” for more info.
The more you read & watch videos on this the more your mind will open up and you can start to heal.
Sending you huge hugs on. SO glad you posted. This is also part of the process to get things out of your mind so that you can keep healing.
Wishing all the best. Keep posting & keep reading!! 💜💜💜
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check with a doctor before you make any health changes.
Go to the “LOvefraud Blog” tab and read the article titled:
“Video: Finally, how to break your addiction to the sociopath”. This will help you right now!!
All of Donna’s articles she write are amazing. She has created a Library full of valuable info here on her amazing site. Start reading hon. I know it’s hard. It feels like you just want to melt into the ground…we have all been exactly where you are now. I think back know & it’s are to remember that emotional & physical pain of just leaving my then husband. But, know you could not pay me a billion dollars to go back to him…even for a day. Never going to happen.
But, that emotional of finally slamming the door on the abusive sociopath does not happen over night, it’s a process to unravel all that they programmed into our minds. Look at old photos with your family & talk about those times and really think about how you felt in those photos. Go back and visit old places that you have positive emotions. Talk to your closest friends and ask them to share old stories with you. This all will help to open up your mind from his brain washing.
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Girl, please walk away. I’ve been in similar situation. He is a pathological liar, the words out of this type of people’s mouth means little to them, the only reason they say it is because they know those words work on you- it is a method for them to control and manipulate you. I know how emotionally hard it is. It took me 3 years to walk away from this kind of broken men. Find your inner strength, self-love, self-respect, you deserve someone who TRULY love you.
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You will get over this. I had same feeling- feel like I was in a dark tunnel seeing no light at the end, no way to get out. But I’m out now. Get the follow two books:
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Hi dill623
I’ve been thinking about your broken heart. You wrote about how much you miss him because you used to talk everyday and that he was your best friend too. You loved him so very very much and even though you understand about psychopathy and character disorders, you are finding it still so incomprehensible that he could just discard you so abruptly. The way I see it is that your situation did not follow the most common pattern of psychological abuse. The pattern that is the most common is that the person will love bomb the victim, and once the victim is hooked by attention and appreciation and closeness etc. then comes the devalue stage where little by little they start tearing down the person so that they start to demonstrate more and more meanness and disrespect. All this time the victim is struggling and struggling to make sense of everything, and when they are just about to call it quits, the disordered one will swoop in with crumbs of love to keep the hook in. At some point, they do a discard. It is definitely horrible, but the victim has been struggling and though there had been cognitive dissonance, they did get glimpses – many – of the monster behind the mask. In your case, because your ex completely lied to you all the time, he could continue with the love bomb stage while keeping the devalue stage totally hidden from view. Therefore you didn’t get the glimpses behind the mask, and the abuse part was utterly hidden from your view. Then wham – from your vantage point, you went from love bomb right to discard. As I said, the devalue was hidden from you. Suddenly you had no ground to stand on. The rug as they say was pulled out from under you. So I understand how deeply you hurt, and how broken hearted you feel. Nevertheless, what he did was despicable. He put you on thin ice and if the truth didn’t come out how it did – and it was good that you pushed it – he could have done a discard on you at any time, with the wife as an excuse one way or the other, or something else suddenly. Your heart, I know , is still broken. For you it will go through a mourning period. But you are the one with the sweet heart, and you really will heal and move forward with your life and you will have joy and love in your life again.
Blessings -
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dll- You need to get in touch with some anger at the abrupt discard. Get it out in a safe place, not at him.
SG
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Hi dll623 –
I think that the reason that people find it helpful to put a label on a person who has been continually abusive is that it helps to not internalize blame for a relationship that can’t work out – to having someone dish out so much blame that the person actually starts to believe it. But The essential issue that needs to be addressed is to assess how someone’s treatment is affecting us and if it is detrimental, then to make a plan or strategy to stop the suffering and harm. It is impossible to determine how one person’s pain compares with another – though we can share our experiences and thus help others when we figure out what has worked For us. I do want to point out that I think you experienced suffering because of the doubt that did keep coming up from your ex’s stupid excuses ( lies ). That is painful on a psychic level. In any case, what I think is the best way for you to hold the situation that you are going through is to not deny any of the feelings that you experience – but as they come up for you, to give all of them your greatest respect and love. What I mean by this is that you will have different even conflicting feelings. Don’t let that throw you. You also don’t need to figure out what type of character disorder he has – because it is enough for you to know he is a liar and thus not someone who you would want in your life. Nevertheless, the love you felt is valid, and if you feel that then let it be present – then when anger arises for the “ abrupt discard “ , let that have it’s place too. Other feelings will also come to the fore and it would be helpful if you could identify them by name – for example the feeling of being abandoned. You might make a list to help your awareness. Other feelings you might have are loneliness or even a happy memory may come up too. The bottom line is that you are going through mourning the loss of an important relationship, while at the same time needing to navigate a huge wave ( actually many waves ) of emotional overwhelm. But I think the technique that I described will get you through it to the other side where – I promise – you will feel peace again and you will definitely have love in your life.
Blessings
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