Is he a sociopath or a narcissist? I'm so shocked by recent events.

[v091]

2 years together with him were beautiful. We had small arguments, miscommunications, like normally couples do, but actually not that much.

As we were on a long distance relationship the third year, we decided, had to be life changing: I’m moving to his city to live, just some more patience was needed. But with this year he also slowly started changing and our communication got worse and worse. I couldn’t understand what’s happening. But in addition, about this time I noticed social media profiles of a girl that were getting fuller and fuller of photographs he’s made (he’s a photographer). No idea when, how, with strange and with time even stranger comments under them made by her. I did have a bad intuition instantly. Everytime I’d try to ask or talk about this unknown girl he’d say it’s a friend, I should stop being paranoid, stop creating movies on my mind, being jealous like one of his exes that he left her for this in the past, a stalker that I watch every single click he makes online and he never does that to me and what I do hurts him. But the girl was the problem I ‘invented’. This was also the time he began complaining of exhaustion at work, financial problems (never took any money from me though), health problems (stomach pain, feeling depressive, crying to me). I don’t know if it was his cover up for me not to ask about these constantly updated profiles of this ‘friend’. I think maybe, because all the problems were his priority, not strange comments this girl wrote under pictures he made. I was suffering and stressing, became so emotionally unstable, we just couldn’t have an open adult conversation about anything and sometimes he’d add up that ‘my behavior is not helping’. Other times would be thanking me for all the support. Only later, after many months, I’ll realize how badly gaslighted I was.

The more and more bizarre communication started with him in March and continued until August. Everything was going really bad, the summer was awful. He was extremely negative, sometimes angry or a bit aggressive with me, sort of depressive, started saying it’ll be better if he’ll stay alone because I’m stressing and crying for him and it hurts for him to see me like this. He wants to see me happy and this monster inside of him is killing him. There was no clarity in anything, I used all my love and energy to support him, saying I’ll help him to solve any problem that comes along his or our way, we’re young, together we’ll make it all, but he continued acting as if there’s no solution for anything. I felt more and more rejected. Started reading articles about depressive people, that distancing themselves sometimes is normal. I tried to be patient, thinking really soon I pack my life into a luggage and we’ll live together, we’ll talk it all out, everything will be alright.

I kept checking the profiles of this girl from time to time, but I didn’t ask anything anymore because I didn’t want him to think I’m paranoid or jealous like he said, also I tried my best to believe ‘friend’ version as we were about to move in together. Unfortunately, in August her social media revealed to me that he took her to his parents’ place by the sea where we used to always go. I was so shocked, tried to confront him immediately, asking to set me free with truth. I couldn’t believe it’s reality that I see. That my gut feeling since the first day was true. He didn’t answer any calls. But wrote a short message that I should calm down. Did I forget how many problems he had in recent months? He just wants to find some peace. And he really cares of me. He really cares of me. Yea, repeated it 2 times. After a few short messages he disappeared. And reappeared only in the early evening the next day. Instead of calling and talking he only sent me 2 pictures of himself crying. I was so hurt and angry, but this time I managed to understand his manipulation, this pity play. I forwarded those pictures to her. And then happened this: he BLOCKED ME everywhere. Just like that. 25 days before the flight to finally live together in the same city.

It was like the worst nightmare imaginable to happen to me. I still decided to go as I planned, only without him now. He disappeared from my life just like that, in a day. He was my ghost memory. Did he really exist? Were we together? Maybe I dreamed all this? Anyway, I already had a job offer in his city and had quit everything in mine. I couldn’t breathe, thought new environment will help me. This cruel betrayal and cold-blooded block was pure agony. So I took the flight and arrived all alone and heartbroken for a new chapter of my life. I simply moved on day by day with new activities, new people, traveled new places, updated my social media. All the cries were left in between the walls of my room. The city was full of memories of him, I knew where he lives but I never went there. He betrayed and he pressed the block as if those years with me were nothing, as if I never existed, as if I wasn’t worth a normal break up if he wanted to be with someone else, that I convinced myself to move forward as if he never existed too.

After 3 months he started desperately searching for me. And found. He started bombarding my email with our old photographs, came to my work (thankfully, then I was on a trip), left me a letter, got my new number, started contacting my friends. For example, on facebook he wrote to one of my friends that he wants to talk to me, even though hadn’t unblocked me there yet by himself! What the hell? And one day I finally answered. We met. We began meeting again. He was apologizing, crying to me, didn’t know why he did all those things that he did and wants to fix everything, goes to a psychologist now, said he missed me terribly and that she encouraged him to block me. Added to the story such details that everything was so bad in his life, was so scared for his health and unhappy in general, that every evening began smoking joints of hashish and weed for sort of ‘runaway’ from his nightmare. Said he was as if brainwashed. I also checked the profiles of a girl after his return, they were full now of their holiday pictures, he published some of her pictures too, under one stating ‘soulmate’.

And this man, that I loved with all my heart and saw my future with, came back into my life like a storm and turned it all upside down just in a month. I forgave him and even agreed to give him a second chance. He claimed he still have feelings for me and for her nothing. But with time quickly I learnt that he’s lying from stupidest to biggest things that involve not just single people and their emotions but also entire families. When he discarded me, he discarded my whole family that accepted and respected him before. They knew I’m about to move in with him, saw how I was preparing, how happy I was, how REAL it all was. After his ‘adventure’ with this ‘friend’ I saw and realized that now he’s involved in life of her family too and to his he simply said that we broke up, although we never did say a word about it, he just cheated and blocked me. This man completely carried on with his double life. A few days ago I went to his place just to talk, to ask why he keeps lying about just anything, it’s so painful. When he saw me he had a very angry face, empty robot eyes and simply repeated to me to go out of his place, out or he’ll call the police. I couldn’t recognize him, started crying and shivering, just hit him in the face, felt it was the only way to express my hurt because he was not listening, and left. While leaving I heard him saying: ‘oh my god, you are really crazy’. And later that evening this girl he cheated on me with started writing me online that I’m a complete psychopath for intruding into the house of an ex. And even later that night I noticed he BLOCKED me everywhere. Just like that, again.
1st block – August 10th, 2nd block – December 10th.
What was this?

[Donna Andersen]

V091 – I am so sorry for your experience. The guy is a complete sociopath. Everything that you describe is typical sociopathic behavior. Here’s what you need to understand – all of the times when he seemed loving and interested in you were fake. When he was mean, that is his true character.

He is not capable of love. He is not capable of being a soul mate to anyone – not you, not the other woman, not anyone.

He probably contacted you after the first time he disappeared because he broke up with the other woman. Now they are back together so he dumped you again.

We have lots of information here on Lovefraud to explain these people. You might want to check out the webinars. Although you’ll never completely understand them, because you aren’t like them. Please just recognize that he is what he is, and he will never change.

[slimone]

V091,

Donna is CORRECT. He exhibits Every. Single. Sign. He is deeply disturbed.

Also, remember. This girl is being used to help him hurt you. She does not understand who/what he is, and what he is doing. I was this girl in my past. And by the time I realized what was happening it was too late, and I had really hurt another person– Then the abuse starting happening to me.

LET HIM BLOCK YOU. You should NEVER AGAIN respond to anything he sends you or tries to do to get you to engage with him. Keep him away 100%. Even if he bugs you 100 times…DO NOT ENGAGE.

Slim

[v091]

Thank you so much for the responses.

Donna,

after the first sudden block (August 10th) I don’t know how would I have survived if not my brother. He lives abroad and just as these events happened came to visit us for a week. I started telling him how the behavior of my ex got worse with each month, about how his words and actions made less and less sense to me and how I thought there’s just no way on this Earth for me to be able to understand this cruelty. But my brother resumed all the things I told him like this: ‘find and try to read ‘The Sociopath Next Door’. My brother’s ex wife cheated on him while being pregnant with his first child and also created a chain of senseless actions that til’ this day he’s quite sure she’s one of them, sociopaths. And just like to my brother, Martha Stout’s book from complete numbness and immeasurable spiritual pain, which was all I could feel afterwards, brought me back to life, this world started making sense a bit again. That’s how from that August I started reading more and more about sociopaths of which I knew NOTHING at all before in my entire life! Soon I discovered lovefraud.com website, read all 3 lovefraud books, been watching videos explaining this type of people, re-read all our chats with him.

It truly made me connect many of the dots, but I still felt very hesitant in making this conclusion to myself and others about him. Is he.. truly one of them? No. No. No. Until this very moment I’m struggling in accepting this truth. When he found me after that 3-month-block, it seemed we are having again, like in old days, open warm conversations, just now about all the awful things he’d done. I even dared to express him directly my heartbreak and disgust by telling: ‘I thought you’re not only a bastard, but also a sociopath!’ I remember he shrugged and said didn’t know exactly what it is. When I described it a bit and compared to his behavior he said he doesn’t know if he is one. Another thing I remember is that he mentioned once that he knows he really has a problem like with ‘mood swings’, that it can change suddenly and he doesn’t know why, just admitted it happens. When I tried to ask how can he change people like some pieces of meat so fast, he was like: ‘I don’t know how can I change people so fast, I don’t know!”. When I asked why he wrote ‘soulmate’ under her picture and just published for a crowd of people, his and her family, friends, acquaintances to see his CHEATING EVIDENCE (she started the affair with him knowing about me), he replied that he just didn’t know what else to write under the picture. After the return of his our conversations were just like that. Quite many I don’t knows. I kept asking him hundreds of questions at the same time trying to moralize him, express my pain and his face seemed sad, he was sighing a lot, always trying to embrace me. So all this makes me think that maybe he’s a sociopath who doesn’t know that he is one, that his behavior patterns are described in books, all the things he does, he does them as if subconsciously. I don’t know.

Also this girl is very mean to me. I can see now she’s really in love with him and happy for her new relationship, demonstrating it all over social media, but it doesn’t fit in my mind how come she doesn’t think for a second this guy is strange? She knows he cheated on me right before moving in with him; that I changed country for him! And for her, knowing how cruelly he discarded me on such a life changing step, doesn’t give a single concern. That he blocked me for 3 months just like that doesn’t give a single concern either. She thinks I’m still deeply in love with him, that I cannot forget, that he left me because I was always jealous, that I’m a psychopath stalker now, especially after I hit him in the face of which he shared immediately. And I still feel this empathy for her, but at the moment no word of mine she’d listen. After she tried to shame me online for trying to intrude into his house 4 times (!), I realized that his damage on her is already in large because he’s just slandering me and of course she goes against me; I also remember him saying he never said a bad word about me. Lies all over. In newest pictures of them he’s smiling wide as if nothing bad has ever happened in this world. Today I saw on her profile a new picture of them together now with her comment under it ‘soulmate’ and below it there were comments of their marriage in the near future. She was exchanging comments with some friend about this vision and in the end of this chat he just posted a heart icon. Insanity.

Again, I really struggle in accepting the fact he’s a sociopath. In 2 years I got to know such a beautiful human being, I thought. I remember his smile, our conversations, travels, making future plans. He was one of the most important people of my life.. and now he’s making fun of me with this her. I tried many times to express the heartbreak he caused me and he would say that hearing this makes him feel really bad, but I always had a strange feeling that my words, no matter how clearly I tried to express myself, just wouldn’t really reach him. One night I wrote him a very long message reflecting on us and a possible renewal of our relationship, that no matter the caused harm I’d risk again, the next day I saw he reacted with q heart icon on the work schedule she posted on her profile. Strangely seemed like he’s ignoring my pain, even though talking or typing the opposite. Don’t even know. Sometimes my thoughts still wander to strangest thinking ways: maybe this hashish and weed really affected him this bad? maybe antidepressants that, I know, he takes for at least half a year now? Maybe some bad influence of this mean girl? Maybe, by slightest chance, he’s not a sociopath? Why not a narcissist? I clearly see his ego is huge and he want things to be in his control. To me accepting he’s a sociopath is like imagining some alien creature wearing a human suit with his body and face. Reminds me Donnie Darko movie. It’s too surreal to simply believe it. He has a family, a bunch of friends and fans of his photography, now her and they all think he’s an interesting wonderful guy.

But then, I have to accept it. Because of all this irrationality that happened. Because when I go back to my memories with him, I became his ‘soulmate’ after 5 months since first encounter.

It’s so painful. This reality. This itchy feeling that somewhere there he exists. Not just as a mask. Not. Just. A. Human. Costume.

[Author]

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