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I met him 6 years ago (me 30, she 50) – from that time on it was about dumping and getting together… He left my around 10 times and then always came back… apologized and did the same… lots of secret communications between him and his ex… my accusations… his shouting… There has always been his ex in the background – begging him to come back, blackmailing, arguing, crying, accusing, hitting etc. My partner used to come back to her, stay few weeks, then complain, hate the ex and come back to me… always like this… I always forgave. And he always told me it was my fault because he was angry with me but never loved her ex and will never do again… Now finally we were to start fresh new life together – without his ex. He joined me abroad – I paid for everything, he was complaining about every single aspect of the relationship… reminding me of his ex… that she was better in house maintenance, he enjoyed life more with her… and then complaining about her… he started writing with her but was telling me that he hates her and can’t stand her messages… he said she loves me instead. On Valentine’s week he needed to go to our home country – he met with her ex saying that he wants to get full closure – and… he left me and stayed with her… He wrote me a message that he came back home, feels happy and he was lying to himself – what is true? He wrote me that the only true thing is his relationship with ex. Didn’t he love me? He always used to tell me that he hates his ex – yet he was coming back to her… then to me… I just fully blame myself for everything – why did he leave me? Before going to Poland he was telling he loves me and that I shouldn’t worry… he will be back in 4 days… he loves me… and now? He wrote me 1 day later that he even no longer missed me… how is that possible?What is true? I just can’t function… I’m desperate for even one message from him… just want to hear from him… anything…. and yet I’m afraid he will tell me he doesn’t love me anymore… he hates me…
What should I do? Will he be back? I’m trying to maintain “no contact” but it’s awful.. just awful… I don’t live anymore… just thinking about him… -
Dear Glendelka, I’m so sad to hear of your situation with this two-timing man. If you have a women’s crisis line where you live, that would be where you could call first.
You wrote: ” I always forgave.” One thing I learned after 9 years with an abusive man, forgiving him every time, believing him when he apologized…etc etc. On the one and only time I read the religion page in the newspaper, I read this from a minister there: “You can forgive, but that does not mean you have to have this person in your life”!!!
Up till I read that, I had thought that forgiving means “forgive, forget, and start again.” Not now!!! It’s no contact. My ex- kept calling me, and I defeated this harassment. How I did that I describe below. I believe in you, and other women who are suffering. I know that you can find a way out. I know that you can have a better life. Other people here can offer specific ways to help.
After I broke up with my ex- and made him move out, he kept calling me. He was very charming and funny, and I listened for about 2-3 minutes, but every time, I ended up crying — he tricked me! He owned me $3000. So I said, “Don’t call me until you are ready to pay the $3000 you owe me.” After that, every time he called, I would pick up the phone with ONLY THESE WORDS — I didn’t even say Hello, [his name]. I said, “Oh good!!! You are ready to pay the $3000 you owe me.” It only took 3-4 of these types of calls, and he stopped calling.
You might consider the same tactic — Say “Don’t call me unless you are ready to repay the $_____________ I paid for our trip to________” Then, if he calls again, say,”Oh good! You are ready to pay the $___ you own me!” You will probably never get your money — but at least he’ll probably stop calling you.
If he writes to you, shred or tear up the letter without readign it. If he emails you, delete it without reading it. Do NOT “warn” him you are doing this…just do it. Don’t say, “If you write/email/text, etc etc me, I will delete it. No! Just do it. If your apps, phone, etc, have the option of blocking a number, do that. Find out how.
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