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Okay I’m not even sure where to start…I’ll try to keep it simple but it is a kind of complicated story. I would just like to know if I’m freaking out for no reason or is he as potentially harmful as I think he might be. I’m pretty upset about the whole thing and my support system is not exactly there so I’d appreciate some objective outsiders’ perspective.
Me and Bob met roughly a year ago when I started my new job. He was and still is my direct supervisor (at the company nobody knows about the relationship. At the time I was in a live-in relationship with somebody closer to my age. That relationship was slowly dying down for reasons that would need another post to explain.
Bob and me clicked very quickly. We could talk for hours despite the age difference and the big difference in cultural backgrounds. I think it was only a few weeks in that we just ended up staying after work just to chat. There was no attraction on my part at the time.
Months went on and my relationship was slowly deteriorating. Bob was there for me as a support system as my relationship was dying down. Tbh, there was a point where I realized Bob was treating me 10x nicer than my then boyfriend did. He would pay attention. He listened. He made my life easier. He didn’t use me in ways my ex did. I could actually talk to the guy and he actually had something to say (Bob is well read and travelled, my ex was content just sitting at home, watching TV and smoking weed). Very soon after things officially ended with my ex. He broke it off with me. I was relieved tbh. Bob was, of course, there for me right after (at this point we were hanging out outside of work too so this wasn’t the first time).
One of these days we were about to meet up at his place after work and i walked in…he made diner for me. Had a nice bottle of champagne. Music in the background. He looked dressed up. He also bought me a nice present. I was a bit…shocked but not shocked? He never asked me out but I slowly started sensing he might be into me so i went along and we had a good time. We kept on seeing each other casually but within 2 weeks he asked to be exclusive. I wasn’t entirely sure if I wanted another serious thing this soon after my relationship fell apart but he really seemed amazing and a much better fit initially than my ex ever was so I saw no harm in it.
But then I started slowly getting to know him. You see…Bob has a temper. He lashes out on my coworkers verbally when things go wrong at work. During one particular incident he broke the door of a work desk in a rage fit while calling my coworker a “useless piece of trash” (the guy was incompetent indeed but this was scary and uncalled for). He did have one moment roughly a month into our relationship that he walked into the door in the morning and went straight to my desk and just went at me over something that he got an email about went wrong the previous day. He didn’t call me any names but was very aggressive, rude and also…wrong. The thing wasn’t my responsibility to begin with. All of my female coworkers came to me and had my back and couldn’t believe he would humiliate me over something so trivial given just how many times i went out of my way to cover for him specifically. I later, when we had some privacy got really angry at him over it and since then he has never attacked me publicly like that again.
Bob also seems to have a slight drinking problem. Nothing too serious but he gets a bit…nasty when he drinks. He is just hurtful and can rant about anything and everything and unfortunately one time that was me. He effectively just picked me apart, called me retarded, bitch, idiot over something that went wrong at work (this time it was actually my responsibility). When I got angry about it he further went on how I should not fuck shit up like this if I’m not willing to face the consequences of my actions (BS, I don’t run from responsibility) and how he doesn’t intend to pay any attention to me every time I cry wolf (not exactly this but you get the point). I was shocked. I never felt we resolved this as he kind of went around it, said he didn’t mean it, that he didn’t know it would upset me so much given he says this to himself when he messes something up. I kind of overlooked it and I know I probably shouldn’t have.
The last incident happened roughly 1.5 months ago. I was explicit and direct about only wanting sex with condoms since I’m not on the pill. We did have sex without condoms one time before that and we both agreed this was a big mistake (we were very turned on) and we should not ever repeat it again. Well…that night he had trouble finding it in the drawer so I helped him out and put it on the cupboard. He was rubbing himself on me and i just told him to “come inside” (come as in enter). It’s something I’d say here and there normally when we transition from foreplay to intercourse. I was quite intoxicated that night as well. I don’t remember the exact moment, if he pretended, he put it on or he just went inside. I remember he did do something but I can’t recall what exactly. It was very dark in the room too. Anyway…we’re doing it for a decent amount of time and he pushed it a bit too hard which caused me discomfort so we stopped. This is where I realized he wasn’t wearing it.
“Ya ya ya I assumed you wanted it when you said come inside”; “I thought you just thought of me as the type of a guy you’d want to have more intimate sex with”. I…didn’t know what to say. I felt…violated. To make matters worse my period didn’t come for a month and just recently he ended up admitting that of course, this was all about him and what he wanted. But he is so so very sorry for what it could’ve done to me. He will buy me such nice presents blah blah. It will never happen again. Let’s move on. Well, I didn’t let it go and i kept on pestering him about it and now he just ignores me for the past 2 days.
I feel awful. I was warned about this guy from a friend of mine who is also his age (he’s been my friend for 5 years). He pretty much begged me to get away from him. I didn’t understand why, things seemed so perfect at first. Bob was and still is one of the most fascinating people I ever met in my entire life. He is very well liked by everybody, intelligent, generous, interesting, charming. A lot of fun to be around too. But he has this side…I don’t know how to explain it. Its like a flip of a switch and he does or says something that’s just…shocking. Unacceptable. Scary….even?
He said he made me break up with my boyfriend. Like he wasn’t supposedly actively trying but he was exerting influence. It makes me wonder how much of his behavior at first was calculated.
He also every once in a while, goes on these rants about how he wants to destroy/mentally ruin/punish some people. 100% of the time these people are just…incompetent and probably should be fired, but that’s about it.
He told me he completely ripped the heart of his ex no1 of 10 years. He seemed to have done the same with his other significant ex-SO. I’m technically savvy and of course I looked both of these women up and I can tell given their Facebook posts and pictures they went from being upbeat confident looking women (I know Facebook can be deceiving, but still) to writing sappy sad posts about love and crying etc and posting depressing looking pictures exactly around the time I know they were dating.
Reddit keep in mind that I’m just showing you his bad side. He really really has a lot of good qualities and for the most part I actually have a fantastic time with him. The sex? I cant even begin to describe (though I’m also starting to think this is also a tool to get me hooked). But I’m starting to sense that I might have overestimated his positive sides and underestimated just how damaging his negative sides might be. Keep in mind that most incidents only happen once with him. We tend to have a fight after and the behavior does not happen again. But I wonder what else will happen…only once?
Tbh quite frankly when i reread the post it clarified in my mind just how worrisome this whole thing sounds. I hope i don’t get too much judgment about why I’m still here. I think one of the reasons is the fact I still haven’t learned what is healthy and what is not (it doesn’t excuse it but i think it explains it). I ran away from home when I was 18 but I also enrolled in university and am currently attending grad school part time, working full time and given my background I think i turned out well. I tried to make good choices and improve my life in the past 5 years. My lack of social support system is due to the fact I mostly simply didnt have time to meet people other than work (which i realize was a terrible horrible mistake) …
One reason why I’m worried to continue this relationship with Bob is precisely the fear it will send me back to being an unstable unhappy mess I was when I ran away from home 5 years ago. I am also unfortunately, very very hooked on him, love my job which also pays fantastic money given the work I have to put in and a bit scared to lose one of my remains of a support system in this foreign country I ran to 5 years ago.
Is he what i think he is? Btw, I’m 23 and he is 39.
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Helpagirlout, there are endless RED FLAGS that you wrote about this guy!!! YES! he is disordered.
The biggest RED FLAG that you wrote about is:
He told me he completely ripped the heart of his ex no1 of 10 years. He seemed to have done the same with his other significant ex-SO
THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG…AS THEY SAY: THE PREDICTOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS IN PAST BEHAVIOR!! HEED the WARNING that he will “ripped” your heart out just like he did to his ex’s!!
You state:
One reason why I’m worried to continue this relationship with Bob is precisely the fear it will send me back to being an unstable unhappy mess I was when I ran away from home 5 years ago.
I would highly recommend that you go to your local abuse center for free counseling & free women group meeting. Ask them if they have any recommendations for a counselor that you can receive one on one counseling from. It is very hard to break it off emotionally with a sociopath. They have played endless mind games to bond their victims to them. And they also mess with our hormones to break our spirit. The fact that you wrote that you looked at his ex’s and they looked a live before dating him & then depressed after is also a sign that he is disorder.
I think you are thinking in the correct manor when you say that you dont want to be unstable unhappy mess” when leaving him. This is why it is vital to start with counseling, educating yourself here at love fraud to open your mind up from his brain washing and to heal your body from the stress you have been under.
He never asked you out, he just manipulated you into a relationship with him…remember that…my ex did the same. I had zero interest in dating him, moving in with him or even marrying him but he keep stealthy manipulating me to get what he wanted. This guy is doing the same.
Since you are working with him…YOU NEED TO BE VERY CAREFUL NOT TO TELL HIM THAT YOU BELIEVE HE IS DISORDERED!! FOR YOUR SAFETY & TO KEEP YOUR JOB IN TACTED UNTIL YOU CAN MAKE STEPS TO GET A NEW JOB AND THEN FOLLOW THE NO CONTACT RULE (LOOK UP HERE ON LOVEFRUAD) AND GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOR GOOD!!
Sociopaths are masterful at sociopath smear campaign (do a search for this here on LF) so this is why you do not want to let him know that you believe he is disordered because he could easily get you fired or smear your name (if he has not already done this behind your back) so that your co workers turn on you.
They are also very stealth about using “sociopath triangulation” (do a search on that term) and he could easily divide the office against you. SO BEWARE.
Get your ducks in a row to get out of this controlling & abusive relationship WITHOUT him realizing what you are doing. YOU NEED TO DO EVERYTHING VERY STEALTHY. Look up the term “grey rock method” here on LF.
ALso, the fact that you are searching for “answers” = you know something is not right with him!! BELIEVE YOUR GUT INSTINCT!!!
google: “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut. Your gut right now is sending alarm bells off with this guys behavior!!! LISTEN TO THEM.
Dont try to out smart him…these types are 10 steps ahead of their victims. HE already has a game plan if you try to break it off with him…so again do not tell him what you are research or that he is disorders. FOCUS on getting help out with the help of your local abuse center.
Start getting your health in order NOW. so that you are strong in your body, mind & sprit. Most victims of sociopaths do not realize they are under a tremendous amount of stress during the relationship and that it is the sociopath that is causing the stress.
Look up Adrenal fatigue symptoms on sites like Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org. Your library may have books on this subject but there are may sites on the net to get more info. Look into going to an Endocrinologist doctor to get tested for hormone imbalance, thyroid T3 & t4, cortisol test (see Adrenal fatigue site for more on this test), just regular blood work. Tell the doctor you are in a toxic relationship.
Also look up the free documentary on you tube called ” Super juice me”. This is a good natural way to heal your body including depression, anxiety etc. Looks Eat to live by Dr Joel Fuhrman or other nutritional books at your local library.
ALso, that fact that he said he “influenced” you to leave your boyfriend = manipulation = abusive relationship!!! KNOW THIS.
Keep posting here, read read read everything and vent here also. Lovefraud is a library full of valuable info.
You should be so proud of yourself for searching for answers & for posting here today. That takes a lot of courage to do so. Know that you are STRONGER then you know..and you will be strong after leaving this guy. Make a plan to get out with the help of your local abuse center. You do not have to do things alone. Your local abuse center is there to help you…most of the women that run these center have also been abused, escaped then healed. SO they are an incredible support network along with Lovefraud.
Wishing you all the best. Take care. 💜💜💜
(all write more later).
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helpagirlout- jan is right on. You can leave. Take it one step at a time.
SG
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Hi helpagirlout –
First of all I want to commend you on how you have been doing so well with your life. I’m sure that you needed to leave your home when you were 18 years old for a very good reason. And then you went to college and worked to support yourself. All of that is huge ! I see however that you have gotten into a difficult predicament: it is obvious to me that this guy uses abusive anger to a large extent and that signifies grave danger for you. His rages will only increase in quantity and explosiveness as time goes on. What these disordered people do is to get you into a committed relationship very quickly ( which he did ) and then because they have you cordoned off, you become very vulnerable to their abuses. Also because they place you in that situation, you feel obligated ( though in reality , you are absolutely not obligated to stay in order to suffer abuse ). Added to this, he is your supervisor at a job that is important to you. He love bombed you to get you hooked into an untenable situation. You have mixed feelings about leaving him too, because you feel that he is charming and you enjoy your sexual relations with him. That is understandable and must be faced because it causes tremendous cognitive dissonance and your mind cannot tolerate a situation for long where there are two opposing “ realities “ ( the charming one with the horrible one ). That is a technique that mind controllers use to break their victims. These are the reasons that a continued relationship with him will destroy you. But you also have the problem about his being your boss and I do get that problem. As the others were saying, this is a delicate situation and you will need to be very very savvy. As the other participant described, look for a new job without letting him know, and definitely get help from a crisis center. We are here for you definitely, but at the same time you also need to go to an abuse center. Please keep posting so we can validate and support you.
Blessings -
helpingagirlout – yes, the guy is disordered. Many sociopaths / narcissists / psychopaths can be exactly as you described – interesting, charming, attentive, and then suddenly fly into a rage. You have lots of red flags waving in front of you.
I recommend that you leave the relationship – and then work on your personal recovery and emotional healing. You probably do need to do some work on yourself before you get into another relationship. We have lots of information here on Lovefraud about recovery. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
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Hi helpagirlout –
I was thinking about your job situation –
I don’t know what type of company you work for, but if there are different departments, perhaps you can get transferred to a different one or if the company has off shoots in different locations or states then maybe you can get transferred to a different location. If there are other participants who have experience with these business situations, maybe you could make some suggestions about how she could know the right way to broach something like that and what to say etc. I know you are going through a lot right now – hang in there ! We are here for you if you wish to post any feelings or further questions that you may be dealing with currently.
Blessings to you. -
Trying to transfer in the company is a good idea IMO.
SG
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