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Less than two weeks ago, my whole world shattered when this woman came to me in the street to tell me that she was also dating my boyfriend. Two years ago, I met this guy, who was (or looked) at first charming, magnetic, very bright and very funny. We didn’t really “date” because very soon (too soon), we had sex and for a while, he would only suggest seeing each other on sunday evenings at his place, have dinner and it always ended in the bedroom. I wasn’t looking for anything casual, so I put my distance but each time I thought it was over, he called me again, we had a great time, he would “give” me another evening of his week and I thought he needed time. After a month, I confronted him and told him I wanted a serious relationship and that we could end it if he was just interested in the sex. He was appalled and told me that he wanted a relationship too but that he had trouble trusting people. Little by little, things got more serious between us, he wanted me to meet his children, and he met mine. Some things puzzled me at times, but we had great moments too, and I thought we would eventually live together. And I was patient, always finding a sensible excuse for his lack of commitment. I met his parents and friends, though, so I thought that things were ok.
Little did I know of what he was really doing. I found out recently that a month or two after we met, he started dating another woman. She too thought she was in an exclusive relationship with him. We talked a lot when she came to see me two weeks ago. This guy would use the exact same “sweet” words to talk to both of us, he would do the exact same things with us (rides in his car, going to the beach, cycling…), have the exact same conversations with each of us… Sometimes I cooked for him, she would eat my food the next day without knowing anything, and vice versa. It is so upsetting that someone can do that, and I or she didn’t suspect anything, she had doubts once but he denied everything. I stopped the relationship, I know this person is wrong for me but the pain is so acute… I feel empty, emptied… This woman even looks like me, he had a life with one of us and litterally photocopied it with the other… I feel so insignificant, I cannot get back on my feet, I don’t know how. I wrote him a letter to end it, he replied saying he was sorry but that I was responsible too, because I didn’t pay enough attention to him and I didn’t admire him enough!!!! Which of course is so untrue, I gave all my love to him… Any advice on how to get better would help a lot. Thanks for reading me. -
Dear Isabelle974:
I’m so sorry for your situation. I had a similar experience years ago, when a co-worker confronted me on the sidewalk on a lovely summer afternoon. She was not only younger and prettier than me, but she was smarter; she figured out our fiance (he promised marriage to both of us) was lying, and seeing other women. My world fell apart in that moment.
S-paths will always, ALWAYS transfer blame and responsibility when confronted with their behavior. Have none of it! You did not lie. You did not cheat. You do not own this.
So your man didn’t feel you paid enough attention to him? That is a conversation to be had and not a licence to cheat. I assure you that all of the attention and admiration in the world will never be enough. A crowd of people cheering his name will not be enough. Narcissists must have a constant flow of attention, admiration and adoration. It’s the air that they breathe.
As if the betrayal isn’t hurtful enough, attempts to lay the blame on you and further erode your self-worth are loathsome. This man cannot and will not be honest, truthful, trustworthy or truly loving. You have been sprung from emotional jail, and you need to get as far away from this scoundrel as you can. Break off all contact and fill your days with people and activities that are meaningful to you.
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isabelle974 – the guy is at minimum, a cheater and a player, and at worst, a sociopath. He took advantage of you (both), and he knew exactly what he was doing. The line about you not paying him enough attention is typical disordered blame-shifting. None of this is your fault. He is completely wrong.
But you were betrayed, and it still hurts. Give yourself time and permission to heal. We have lots of information here on Lovefraud to help you.
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Isabelle, I’m so sorry that you endured this emotional & mental pain. Very sad. I’m glad that you were told the truth, as hard as that day was for you to hear from this other woman, it lead you to researching more & lead you to Lovefraud. But most importantly it lead you to follow the No contact rule this this evil man.
This guy knew you wanted to have an exculsive relationship. He knew this other woman wanted the same.
This guy was extremely manipulative with both of you. Do you know that manipulation is a form of emotional & mental abuse?
This guy lied to both of you!! REPEATEDLY!! Did you know that lying is a form of emotional, mental & verbal abuse?
This guy used a lot of “narcissistic projection” (look this term up here at love fraud & net) on both of you. This is a form of manipulation.
Most people in our society (including me, prior to leaving my ex h) only believe that Domestic abuse is Physical abuse. But the truth is the bulk of Domestic abuse is emotional, mental & verbal abuse. This guy abused both of you. Thank goodness this other woman had the courage to find you & that you had the courage to speak with her calmly. That day was a powerful moment for both of you. YOU BOTH Exposed this guy.
This guy is definitely a Narcissist but could be more. You would have to post more stories for us to see if he is a sociopath. Please know that ALL Sociopaths are narcissist but not all narcissist are sociopaths.
RED FLAGS with this guy:
That he used the same “Sweet talk” with both of you.
That you both look alike.
That he would have you cook & give her your food. (this is kinda sick & twisted, like he was getting some kick from you making her food secretly) not cool!! And NOT normal.
Sociopaths are pathological liars (look this term up here at love fraud & the net):
You state:
This man cannot and will not be honest, truthful, trustworthy or truly loving
Narcissist & Sociopaths are ALL pathological liars!! My ex h (a sociopath) lied about everything…if I cooked him breakfast he would lie about what I cooked him. Sick man.
You state:
A crowd of people cheering his name will not be enough
Sociopaths & narcissist need ENDLESS attention. Like a child. It can be literally overwhelming to deal with this. They can not be alone what so ever. I think this is why they cheat so much.
Sociopaths are serial cheaters. I told my counselor that I thought my then H cheated on my 8 – 12 times (this just after leaving him). She told me that it was most likely 3 to 4 times that amount..because sociopath are serial cheaters. Looking back now, I believe her number is more accurate. I belie this guy did not just have the two of you in his grips. Maybe he had one nightstands, or other women on other days.
You state:
I feel empty, emptied…… I feel so insignificant.
Sadly this is how every victim of a sociopath or narcissist feels. I am so sorry that you are so sad. This makes me sad.
What can you do to heal?
Lots:
First TAKE BACK YOUR POWER FROM THIS EVIL MAN!! His horrible behavior has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU or this other woman!!! And everything to do with HIM!!
DO NOT ALLOW THIS EVIL MAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL THIS WAY!! DIG deep & get mad at what he did. (not directed at him literally and dont contact him) but just get mad. Move your emotions from sad to mad. This will help you to move forward. Remember his horrible behavior has NOTHING to do with you…and everything to do with his brain not working correctly literally. Do not take what he did personality. He will do the same manipulation & lying to any woman that he sucks into his con game! YES!! HE ran a con game on both you and this other woman. No matter what you did in kindness, loving etc he would still be abusive towards you…no matter what kindness, loving etc this other woman did for him…he still would have been manipulative & cunning to both of you.
READ, READ, READ everything here at love fraud to educate yourself on who he is & also how to spot one in the future as these evil manipulative, cunning, lying low life are everywhere blending in.
Watch the videos up at the top of Lovefraud to see if he did these things to you. To spot one in the future. Experts believe that we meet a sociopath EVERYDAY!! And that we have one in our circle of friends/family/coworker without even realizing it. Simply because we are not educated.
You have been under a tremendous stress since learning the truth & prior. Look into the symptoms of Adrenal fatigue to see if you are suffering from this. Most victims of a narcissist or sociopath end u with PTSD. PTSD must be healed to full heal…I believe. I believe also from my own experience, that the root of PTSD is adrenal fatigue. See sites like Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org.
I would also suggest you buy Donna’s book 10 Signs you are dating a sociopath. She has a special now that you get all 3 of her books for a low price. Also look on the Home page at the YELLOW section to learn more on how to heal.
I would recommend that this other woman & you compare more on this guy. This will help you heal. If you trust her. Write down your thoughts either here or in a journal about what this guy did over the course of your relationship with him. No doubt there were many Red flags in the beginning not just that he did not want to commit.
Sending you HUGE hugs. So proud of you for having the courage to speak to the other woman, to research & to post here. All huge steps in healing.
Wishing you all the best. Take care. ???
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