Is this narcissistic behavior? I am so confused.

[freya]

I am 5 years into a relationship with a man (lets call him ‘S’.) that has made me so confused and uncertain, I have lost a great deal of confidence. We are both senior citizens. My husband died 8 years ago. His girlfriend died 5 years ago. He is foreign born, so I am never sure if his behavior has its source with his upbringing, or if he is a narcissist, or if he is just uniquely weird. I question my judgement because I wonder how his last girlfriend put up with him for many years. I know she watched him like a hawk, but still…

He has been wildly affectionate and complimentary (love bombing?) much of the time these past 5 years and that is why I have hung on to the relationship. Unfortunately, I discovered a year or so after meeting him that he had another girlfriend that he saw on weekends. He lied but I uncovered the lie when I saw an overnight bag among his things and he was not home when he claimed to be. He has no male friends. He has never asked me on a date, really. He likes to have his women chase him, do the asking and pay the expenses. We broke up multiple times, but I was persuaded to remain in his life when he claimed that the other women meant nothing, I was the love of his life etc. etc. I guess eventually I resigned myself to the notion that having an affectionate hiking companion was better than no companion at all. I stopped asking him about his activities and whereabouts on weekends.

Things have come to a head. He claimed, today, that he has countless women lined up to be “his woman”. (Probably, so. He teaches adults and always has admirers.) He says he knows what he wants in a woman, and if I cannot provide it, so be it. His list of conditions: he will be in charge. If he wants me, I should drop everything and come to his side. I will provide unconditional love, pool our finances, make him my number one.

I have family nearby that I love. When I had S. for Christmas dinner with family, he became so angry about the attention I gave my son, that he failed to show up for New Years Eve and spent it with the “other woman”, instead. Aren’t antics like that a big scary red flag? Of course, he always has reasons why it is My fault and has even described me as abusive.

As I write this down , I think I must be out of my mind, but I give myself some slack because I am filled with grief for the losses I have experienced in the last 8 years and facing another loss is just plain hard.

[polestar]

Hi Freya – when we are in a relationship, and our partner starts to act in ways that are confusing but we aren’t quite sure about what the nuances mean, we need to look at the information about narcissist’s tactics to gain clarity. Sometimes there are red flags that we need to pay attention to them. But there is a component to relationships that is an important priority and that is the individual’s own personal bottom lines that are unique to them. These need to be identified and respected. It may be that one person has a bottom line of a behavior that is completely unacceptable to them, but might be OK to someone else or to someone in a different culture. Reading your post made me want to point out some of your boyfriend’s behavior’s and ask you to reflect if these are acceptable or not acceptable to you. When I talk about a bottom line, I mean that it is a deal breaker for continuing in a relationship. Here are the questions ( not to answer me, but to answer for yourself ) : 1. Are you OK with having a relationship that is romantic with a person who also has another romantic relationship ( or relationships ) with someone else ? 2. Are you OK with having a close relationship with someone who you knows lies to you about something that is important for you to know about ? 3. Are you OK in a relationship when the other person calls all the shots and makes unilateral demands ? Are you OK with someone who threatens to leave you for someone else if you do not comply to their demands ? Is it OK for your partner to throw rage fits and then punish you for things in which you did nothing wrong ? You mentioned that you were willing to ( as I understood you to mean ) have the relationship take a step down from a boyfriend type of situation to more of a friend situation so that you would have a hiking companion. From my experience, once a boyfriend, they can never then be a friend because you would still be enmeshed with all the drama and emotions that went along with the boyfriend stage. ( By the way, a friend can progress to become a romantic interest, but it doesn’t work in the opposite direction ) . My advise to you is to find a nice group of seniors who hike together in a clublike situation. About the pain you were concerned with having if you ended the relationship due to other losses you have experienced recently, from what you describe about him, he would only exacerbate any pain that you are already trying to heal from. Blessings to you

[funluvmusic25]

freya-First let me say I am so sorry you are experiencing such confusion and feeling the loss of confidence. The fact that you have found this website and are questioning the relationship with ‘S’ tells me your suspicions are accurate. From what you describe this person in your life is definitely displaying narcissistic traits.

My ex-N kept changing the rules of his game and moving the goal posts further and further out of reach. What did I do? I tried all the harder trying to meet his expectations so I could be the woman he said he had always wanted. Basically, I depleted all of my energy for a man that had no plan to be faithful to me. It has been 9 months since I left him without warning and have been No Contact ever since. My anxiety has improved, my health has improved and my confidence and old self have returned. Yours can too!

My ex said many of the same things if he was to move in with me. He would be the boss, he would point out friends of mine that he didn’t like and I should drop, his name would be on the title of my home even though he never paid a dime towards the mortgage and he would be my number one priority. Crazy, but true!

Don’t ever allow someone to come between you and your family or your son. There are so many clubs to join at the YMCA or other places that go walking or hiking or play pickle ball. To think having a disordered personality take over your life is better than no one at all is not the answer. If he has so many other women waiting in line for this “prize” of a man let him go! You are worth more than that and deserve so much better. I’m not pretending the work of getting over the love bombing is easy, but remember the love bombing is fake and only used for his gain. This period of love bombing is very short lived and the rest of your life with him would be miserable.

Continue reading all you can about disordered personalities and you will find your answers. You too can be one of the survivors to go on to live the life you deserve. Blessings to you.

[freya]

Polestar and Funluvmusic25,

Thankyou so much for responding!

I have recently been reading about Picasso and his relations with women. I was shocked to read about the number of people who never recovered from his emotional abuse. I think there were 3 suicides among his wives and children! I don’t want to be a victim like that! Sometimes I imagine that my boyfriend is a vampire. My deceased husband used to appreciate my independence, but this guy claims he wants a “thumbellina”- someone who is literally in his pocket!- ever present and filled with unconditional love. For a long time I thought he must be joking or have a “Mommy” complex- just a little immature. Now, I find that my ‘gut’ is telling me that he is something worse, and could be more harmful to my emotional stability than I realized. Still, I know, like many people on this forum, I will continue to miss him and wonder if its “just me”.

Thanks to both of you for helping clarify some stuff and giving me courage!

[funluvmusic25]

Freda; trust and believe it’s not just you. They have us convinced of so many things our intelligent brains can’t seem to sort out. They hook us with love bombing and from there we start to think with our emotional brain not our intelligent brain. Once we remove ourself from them the clarity finally comes into play. We start to ask ourselves how could we be so naive, yet we need to remember they are not wired like normal people – they have no remorse, empathy or emotions. We do not realize that in the beginning stages, yet once their mask slips it becomes clear they are monsters in disguise. We all go through a grieving process missing them in the beginning of no contact, yet as we gain clarity we gain trust in our decisions to remain strong and resolute. Clarity will come for you too. Stay strong and trust your gut!

[polestar]

Hi Freya – talented, powerful, and wealthy people get away with so much that is harmful and unacceptable, like you mentioned about Picasso. Also look at Roman Polanski with his pedophilia that everyone just ignored – yes, there were charges in America but all of Hollywood was behind him and he continued to live such a prominent life style out of the country and to be able to still direct so many movies. And the same basically applies to narcissists – so often they get to behave in detrimental ways, destroying lives, without ever being held accountable. The thing about your concern about missing S, is very understandable. You have been in a relationship with him for 5 years and that is a long time in which a strong attachment was formed. In narcissistic relationships, we call it a ” trauma bond “, and it is very addictive. Like any kind of drug that is harmful, it is just not easy to break free. It sounds like you have come to the realization that you want to end the relationship knowing that it is actually harmful to you. I am glad that you are aware of the psychology of ” missing him ‘ like everybody goes through. Realize that this is something substantial and difficult to deal with, so please get the support and help that you will be needing. Dr. Les Carter ( he has a You Tube channel ) in which he is connected to an on line counseling group so you can get help through professionals who understand about narcissistic abuse. I really trust Dr. Carter. Donna here at Love Fraud also offers personal counseling. And we here at the Forum are of course here to support you as you go through the steps of dramatic change that you will be facing. Once you are well on the way in your healing ( like funluvmusic was describing – regaining her health, confidence and ‘old self ‘) ) you too will be filled with that happiness that you deserve.

[funluvmusic25]

polestar & freya; I agree with polestar…….it is a trauma bond and like a drug it is so addictive. I too am a senior and had an 8 year long distance relationship with my narcissist. It may be a bit easier to get over him having miles between us, yet the long and constant phone calls spent building our future together leaves a huge void that is very difficult to fill once the relationship ends. Over the years I tried many times to end things only to get caught up in his web and yet I felt sad and defeated having to start all over again knowing it needs to end once and for all. Nothing had changed when we got back together. As Donna points out in her latest book on seniors they only get worse not better. You can be in a relationship and look the other way yet feel so empty and alone. I’d rather work on myself, work on maintaining positive, healthy relationships with family and friends knowing I will benefit in the end and the N will continue their sad and empty life. As a senior and having a good relationship with my son, daughter-in-law and grandson I don’t want to burden them with my problems continuing a relationship with someone they whole heartedly would not approve of………that is not the legacy I want to leave behind. Do not settle for less…….we all deserve so much more! Blessings.

[Donna Andersen]

Freya – I am so sorry for your experience. To answer your original question, yes, you are clearly enduring narcissistic behavior.

This man is a sociopath who is taking advantage of your grief. He will never change and it will never be a satisfying relationship for you. The sooner you end your involvement, the better.

I recognize that it will be difficult, because as funluvmusic25 mentioned above, you are probably trauma bonded. It will take will power to escape.

You might want to consider subscribing to the Lovefraud Podcasts. Then you can join our weekly Zoom group. It’s very inexpensive. The support will be helpful.

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