Life, Pain & Choices

[ichooseme]

This is the first post, the first forum, the first time I’ve ever written about my experience. It’s so hard to know where to start, what to say. How do you put a life full of pain & heartbreak into words? I have read so much about psychopaths, and I have read so many posts.

I admire every one of you, you’re strength, courage & honesty. I also feel you’re pain & you’re loss, the loss of so many people & parts of yourselves.

We are all one another, we are all different but still one.

For 19 years I have lived in hell, & for the first 11 I had know idea I was there.

I lost count of the amount of times I was raged at out of nowhere, fast & furious, or during what always began as a ‘talk’. They would always escalate to a cruel, dark place. The change in his body language, the accusations, blame, the word salad, totally confusing me & turning everything around, his eyes full of anger & hate making his face twisted & unrecognisable, the terrifying volume, intimidation, the emotional blackmail, the fear, the items close he could grab & destroy, the doors slammed & sometimes broken from the sheer force, the sound of tyres unable to gain traction on gravel as he left.

The very essence of who I am was attacked at such a deep emotional level, it was like being in a tornado, flung around & ripped to shreds by sharp & jagged pieces of metal, cutting me. I felt the physical pain of my soul bleeding, my heart breaking.
 
The pain I went through every time my core self was attacked by this person who knew me better than anyone. I pleaded to know why he was doing & saying these things to me.

Trying to scream over his volume, a futile belief that if I was louder he’d actually hear me & stop. But I would scream anyway “that’s not who I am, that’s not what matters to me, I’d never treat another person that way, I don’t have that right, that’s not what I said, that’s not how I think, that’s not what I feel, I’ve never been, & could never be, that person!!”

I was hypersensitive & hyper vigilant, I walked through a living breathing mine field in a 24/7 state of alert, not wondering if there would be another explosion, but when. Every word, sentence, comment was like a game of Russian Roulette & the gun was always pointed at me, cocked & ready.

I was always the excuse for pulling the trigger.
  
He purposefully inflicted the worst kind of pain on me for no other reason than that in some twisted sick way it would benefit him to do so.

I was his physiological punching bag.  The never ending lies, deflections, his self centred wants, betrayals, set ups, bits & pieces of information, half truths, the triangulations & manipulations.

I was used & abused, & abandoned so many times, and at the same time I was addicted to the ever shrinking morsels of love, kindness, care or tenderness he pretended to deem me worthy of. 

I feel so ashamed, my love was worth zero to this man, the sacrifices I’ve made, the people I’ve lost. Emotionally & physically alone & terrified.

I have had no contact for 6 months, apart from lawyers & seeing him in court.

I’m so scared, I’m the first to actually fight back. He’s never been challenged. But he’s lied too many times. He’s stolen the business we built, that I worked 14 hour days in, for “us” & our future. He’s used it as his personal bank account, & he’s left me with nothing.

He made his choice, so now, terrified, alone & in pain, looking at an uncertain future with half my life over, & for the first time ever, I choose me.

[Author]

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