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I have had this personality disordered type cross my path more than once. The first encounter with a narcissistic sociopath was the most confusing and damaging because I had no idea I was being duped or that people existed in the world that enjoyed duping those closest to them. He psychologically abused the shit out of me before I could even take a breath to realize what was happening to me. It was very hard to get away from him and we were not even dating. He left me in a fog and confusion that lasted a long time and I had to work to get it together with therapy and other self-healing modalities. Continuously educating myself while simultaneously in disbelief that these kinds of creatures live among us was my salvation. I am eternally grateful to web-sites like this and strong women and men who have spoken out about their experiences.
The second guy was more subtle and because I had been introduced to him through an acquaintance, I thought I could give him a certain amount of trust. Looking back he seemed less calculating and consumed partially by addiction to alcohol, gambling and most likely sex. These addictions are what made me eventually tell him to take a hike so the full abuse never truly unfolded like with the first asshole. I don’t know the full extent of what he was capable of and I thank God for that. Anyway, the first night we were together I had to fight him off of me physically because I kept telling him no I was not ready to have sex. He kept pushing and pushing my boundaries and the moment I started wondering if he was going to rape me he laid off. He acted sweet and loving when I dropped him off the next morning and wanted to keep in touch and for some fucking reason I said yes. I brushed off his advances as me being too sensitive or that I had misinterpreted something or it was just the alcohol. The next night he was over and we slept together. That seemed to bring peace in the valley though that was the beginning of feeling like I had compromised too much. I told myself I was happy to have companionship because I felt so lonely. We started spending more time together though I always felt like it was on his terms. He told his friends about me which flattered me and brought me down to the bar but I had to watch him get wasted every time. The nights we made plans to have dinner at my house or go out to a movie were met with me waiting hours for him, plans would always change and if I wanted to see him I’d have to go down to the bar. Or he’d come over and fall down on my living room floor. Or I’d have to hold him up to walk him to the bathroom because he was so wasted he couldn’t walk there himself. When I wanted to talk about it, he would simply brush it off. When I told him he needed help he said he knew but he wasn’t ready. He started staying at my house more than I was comfortable with and I told him so. There was no reasoning with him when he was wasted, he just did whatever he wanted to do. My feelings didn’t matter to him at all.
One night after going to sleep he showed up at my doorstep at about 3AM wanting to come in. After I had told him that this behavior was unacceptable. I did not open the door and he rang and knocked every hour until 8:30 AM. I was terrified. I was embarrassed because my neighbors I’m sure heard it all. I was heart-broken that he had such little respect for me that he’d just harass me like that. There was an energy behind every doorbell ring that felt like he trying to wring my neck. Apparently my neighbor came out to go to work and saw him passed out on my porch, she screamed, and he finally skulked off. My text to him said if he ever did anything like that again I’d be calling the police. I created a bunch of distance between us at this point. He blamed me for not letting him in, for not being a friend and started behaving more erratic and like an asshole. He had a bunch of excuses about why he had to walk all the way to my house from the bar…he lost his car, he lost his phone, his phone died, he was blacked out drunk, etc, … A large part of me found his stories incredulous and ridiculous. A small part of me believed that there was a chance he could have been telling the truth and was just confused and disoriented because of his learning disability (dyslexia). I attempted to talk it out with him one night. Nothing really got resolved except that he got to blame me for not acting like a doormat though I do remember it feeling good to give him the opportunity to explain himself. I acknowledged he may have needed my help and was stranded. He acknowledged that his behavior was unacceptable and that it was not okay to terrify me like that. Something got sort of better after that between us but not for long. He continued to call and try to come over on the late night and I wasn’t having it. His birthday came and I sent a Happy Birthday text. My birthday came two days later and I heard nothing. I shut him out and moved on with my life without any explanation because he didn’t give a shit so why should I. I started seeing another very nice, educated, thoughtful, considerate, handsome, healthy dude! One that I could look at and say, YES, this is the kind of guy I deserve! This toxic fool shows up at my house again, as if he could smell this other guy on me, looking to be let in. I was just so beyond frustrated. I opened the door and let him in rather than listen to his fucking knocking all night. I don’t know why I didn’t call the police like I had threatened to before. Wasted obviously, so wasted I thought he was going to die in my house. I woke him up and told him to leave. His phone was dead. I tried charging it for him because he wanted to call an Uber but the case had some weird lock on it and it wasn’t working and he wasn’t helping me. 4 AM approached. No uber app on my phone. He’s clearly giving me bullshit and enjoying this. I had to work in the AM. I kicked him out and he had to walk a few miles back home because he had lost his car somewhere near the bar. I am the bad guy because I didn’t let him walk all over me again. Good, goodbye forever you disgusting filthy mean pig. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE~~~
Went completely no contact, blocked his number etc… He would leave messages saying that he wanted to see me. I deleted them, sometimes without listening to them. I felt no emotion for him and his parasitic ways after a couple of weeks.
Fast forward 3 months. I go to my local dive bar to play some pool and drink some beer on a Friday night. I’m chit chatting with some friends and he walks in. I have no reaction, I did not care to talk to him but I did not want to be scared off. Eventually he sat down next to me and we started chatting. Maybe this would not have happened if I had not been drinking myself that night. He seemed sweet and looked handsome and wasn’t mad at me and let me explain my side. The next thing I know we are back at my house having sex. He slept over and snuggled with me the whole morning like he used to and I felt happy! I did not remember the abusive asshole. I did not remember that he had betrayed me night after night for alcohol, drugs and god knows what else. Why does the mind do this? How could I let someone who treated me so badly back into my life like that? The only thing that I can say is that I had too many defenses down and he charmed his way back. I asked if he was going to come back. He said yes. All he wanted to do was have sex. Then the demeaning comments started and the anger over making him walk home started coming out. Circular conversations and lots of double meanings without being clear. Our conversations were like a battle ground and all I could gather was that he wanted to one up me any chance that he could. He came over to sleep with me and then call me a bitch and be verbally abusive. I stopped sleeping with him the last 2 times he came over and he verbally abused me over that.
I suppose I thought that revisiting the relationship was a good idea because I wanted to believe in him. I wanted to believe that he was actually good inside and that we just had a difficult time getting it together the first time. That we could find a way to honestly communicate and be present and loving at the same time. I suppose in this moment I was the one thinking only of herself… I know that I would have been capable of such a transformation in a relationship and it’s maturity that made me willing to revisit things with new eyes, heart and some distance. I had tried to understand his dyslexia and thought maybe I was smart enough, patient enough and willing enough to make a difference in his life. He just let me down. He was mean, he was abrasive, defensive, misogynistic and ignorant and tried to bring me down to the level of rats where he seems to like to live. I’m cool. Bullshitting around with making plans, lying about what time he’s coming over and what we are going to do. WTF is the point of that other than to exasperate and confuse the hell out of someone.
I took initiative two days ago when he conveniently left his jar of pot on my kitchen counter. How sweet he was to me when he realized he had left it, using charm to make sure that I would not throw it out no doubt. Luring me in by saying wouldn’t it be great to talk about things sober. Such bullshit. I decided to leave the house and let him pick it up outside of my door so I wouldn’t have to deal with his circular mind games and weird ass comments. He didn’t come by after work as planned. Instead he texted me and asked me when I’d be home. I texted him when I got home. He said he’d head over after traffic died down. 3 hours and zero traffic later I send a text asking if he had left yet so that I could plan the rest of my evening. No response. These are the kinds of little one up’s and control manoeuvres that dealing with this person entails. An hour later still no response. It took me seven minutes to get down to his watering hole where he and his cohorts were sitting with their respective tequilas in hand all cozied up to the bar like the 3 Amigos. I put his weed next to him from behind. He turned around and the look of shock on his face was priceless. I flashed him the peace sign, a sweet smile with a semi dark gleam in my eye, slowly turned around and left quietly without a word. 10 minutes later the text and phone call which I ignored…”oh I was just about to head over but thanks for bringing it to me”. 10:30 PM the last drunken phone call… I was garble blah blah hoping to see you but garble blah blah blah guess I won’t ok garble, blah. Blah. Blocked.I did so well and he was only around for a week this time but I still feel:
Anger.
Confusion.
Longing.
Betrayal.
Physical Pain.
Anxiety.
And I am going to sit with my emotions one by one and let them roll through me so that I can process them. And again, move on. I am ever so gentle with myself and don’t blame myself. I didn’t ask to be abused. It is not wrong to forgive someone and to want things to be better. Neither am I the reason this person is broken. I know that I can’t fix it. I have faith that I can take care of myself and have enough knowledge and wisdom to avoid these types of situations in the future. We all have moments of vulnerability and that is what makes us human.
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With education we can learn to spot disordered people and avoid them.
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Oliveoyle – thank you so much for sharing your story. The guy is disordered. Everything you described is typical sociopathic behavior. You may have wondered if the problem was the drugs and alcohol. Please understand that substance abuse and antisocial personality disorder are genetically related. Many sociopaths are also addicts. The problem is that if they overcome their addiction, they are still sociopaths.
Your path forward is absolutely perfect. Recognizing your emotions, and then allowing them to roll through you, will help you to release the pain of the experience. And your admonition (to yourself) to be gentle with yourself is also perfect.
You are a caring human being, thinking you might be able to help him. Now you know that his problems are not yours to solve.
I recommend that you make up your mind, once and for all, that you are finished with him. Don’t let him back in, process the emotions of the experience, and you’ll be just fine.
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Nice job Olivoyle! You are so right on point with your last paragraph. I, too, was involved in multiple relationships (romantic and not). Finally, the last time around, I was just so clear about what I was and was not responsible for I could release all of it. At that point I felt awake to the truth of ‘them’, and to my own life WITHOUT them.
That is a priceless, and life affirming, place to be.
Slim
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olivoyle,
They ARE all different. I knew a loud, brash, super confident appearing one. All the girls were crazy for him. He was handsome and the life of any gathering. He markets himself as a spiritual leader, and runs ‘workshops’.
Also known very quiet, ‘helpful’, self-deprecating sociopaths. One was a therapist of sorts. He stalked me, after knowing me a couple of months, for nearly 5 years.
There is a some benefit, at a point in our healing, to look at what attracts us TO them. Particularly if we find we have had a string of these experiences. That said, be careful about beating yourself up over it.
In my case I had a ‘loving’ and quiet grandfather who was a sociopath, and a child sex-abuser. My mother is on the narcissistic scale, and has very little understanding of other people’s needs and perspectives. Growing up with these types did a few things to make me ‘attracted’ to future sociopaths.
They felt familiar. They triggered my need to please. They triggered my need to ‘heal’ through trying to get them to love me (like my grandfather and mother couldn’t).
I came to understand this after I wasn’t so shell shocked and depressed. Once I got stronger I wanted to explore my own past, and how it was affecting my choices and impulses. It was very helpful, but I could not have done this work early on.
Slim
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