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So my ex asked me to get a coffee the other day and talk since things ended on a terrible note (aka she discarded me). At first, I told her I wasn’t ready for anything like that, and she said “Okay, no worries.” But I can’t lie. I was curious to see what she had to say. So I agreed to meet up a few days later.
We met last night. And the thing was…it was really nice. The conversation wasn’t angry or bitter. She seemed really happy and like she’s staying busy and has lots of friends around. That honestly hurt the worst. She’s so happy and seems to be thriving, while I’ve been through what were probably the 2 hardest months of my life. I lost 10 lbs the first week, I had insomnia, nightmares, the whole bit. I’ve been depressed on and off for weeks.
She also said how we’re probably just better off as friends because our relationship was full of fights. But I was in love with her and I did everything I could to make it work. The main thing that caused the arguments was her anger. She would get so angry over nothing – Dr. Jackyl and Mr. Hyde type stuff. I never felt like I could do anything that was enough for her.
I just need some support. I need to remember who she is and how much pain she’s caused me. This coffee meetup only brought back good memories and made me miss her, and I really don’t want to go back to that feeling. I know I shouldn’t have gone, but I did, and now I need to pick myself up and move forward. Advice please?
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allison123 – Don’t beat yourself up about meeting her — use what you learned to strengthen your resolve.
She was HAPPY! You are miserable and she is loving life! What does that show? It shows how shallow she is, and how little you meant to her. Someone who truly loved you would not be so cheerful after your breakup.
Start your No Contact program again. Do NOT try to be friends with her. If you stay in touch, her claws will still be in you and you will not be able to heal. So today is the first day of No Contact. Remember you are doing this for yourself.
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allison123,
She took your meeting as the perfect opportunity to hurt you again, all the while pretending like she was just being an upbeat, practical minded, life-loving ex. This is exactly how they mess with us. We feel like we are over-reactionary and negative, while for them everything is perfect.
It is ‘perfect’ for her because she has no heart. She has no ability to suffer (or to love). There is NO shame, no empathy, no remorse, no looking back, never any regrets. And though this sounds, on the surface, to be the advantageous position, it is really just a place of lack.
The last one of these sorts that I dated also moved on with complete ease, inviting me to be one of his BFF’s. I never answered or entertained that idea, though I craved his love and attention, and couldn’t (at the time) understand how he could be so nonchalant after a mere week. It was incredibly painful to witness how I meant absolutely nothing to him, when I was ready to give him a life long commitment.
They know they are hurting us, they just have NO IDEA what it feels like, so they don’t care one bit. They just see us as weak and vulnerable and disadvantaged; and they are GLAD they are not us.
IF you can take a step back and depersonalize this. Just take yourself out of the equation for a few seconds. You can see this is totally about them. Every. Single. Second. It is never about anyone else, as it CANNOT be, because they cannot see things from any perspective but their own. They cannot comprehend the needs of other living things. They can intellectualize it, pretend to, and get better at mimicking what to do in any situation. They may get better at mimicking, the older they get.
But they are NEVER actually able to understand another being. They can never respond with sincerity. It is all like memorizing the alphabet for them. This is why they simply feel no emotional consequences for things that really hurt the rest of us.
I am sorry she made you feel rotten. Please take that information and let it be real for you. You are not ‘weak’ and ‘too sensitive’. She is not ‘happy’ and ‘moving on’. She is simply personality disordered, and good at surviving.
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Allison, she just love bombed you without you realizing it!! BEWARE..everything a sociopath does is a con game!! EVERYTHING!!
This is what sociopaths love to do, like a Cat playing with a mouse. Your ex has just, in her mind, kept the door open to you by this one last “we should be friends” B.S get together. DONT TAKE HER BAIT!!!
Sociopaths love to boomerang back into their past victims lives when ever they feel bored with their new target (i.e. start an affair with you while still keeping the current vicim as their main supply) or their current target dumps them because of abuse and they feel alone or they need something money, a place to live, a car, sex etc.
Like Donna stated KEEP THE NO CONTACT IN PLACE….better yet SLAM the door shut on your ex but blocking her from your cell phone, emails, text & tell friends not to listen to her also.
What did she do during this get together?? She released Endorphins in your brain (a reward) so that you will remember the good. She is not a good person…you know this.
Write down everything she has done to hurt you. You will be shocked at how much you have forgotten. Then anytime so get sad & miss her read the list & add to it.
Hugs to you. Just know everyone in the beginning has most likely broken the no contact rule & been sucked back in. You did the right thing by coming here & just venting & asking for support. BRAVO!! Venting really does help to clear the mind. Also, read read read everything at love fraud when you have doubt about the break up. It will WAKE you up fast to the truth = she is a sociopath con artist!!
Wishing you all the best. Take care.
Do a search here at Lovefraud for the following:
no contact rule
smear campaign
pathological lying
gas lighting abuse -
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No contact is the way.
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allison123,
I know that understanding all of this does not ease your pain. that what happens in the mind takes time to travel to the nervous system and the ‘heart’. But the pain will subside the longer you have zero contact. I guarantee it. You sound smart, and introspective, so it is VERY likely you will feel 100% better, and gain some strong skills as a result of this pain.
They LOVE IT when we continue to struggle with the break-up, when we continue to be vulnerable. Gives them great pleasure to know they have that kind of power over other people’s feelings, and that those people are still good pickings when they need a lift.
Make the commitment to give her NOTHING. EVER AGAIN. You are not a source of distraction, not a play thing. You deserve to be treated with kindness and dignity. Something she is incapable of.
Hugs….Slim
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