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Has anyone here lived with or fallen for what turned out to be a malignant narcissist? A malignant narcissist is far beyond the basic narcissist. It is my understanding, after in depth research on my significant other’s extremely volatile and violent physical and verbal abuse, that the malignant aspect of his narcissism is in his utter lack of remorse after abusing me, his ease of using verbal abuse in a manner to cause maximum damage to my psyche and his flagrant gaslighting after the physical abuse. He has beaten me and broken my rib bones and as I lie on the ground gasping for air said ” get up bitch! You are not hurt” when I tried to call 911 he took my phone and said that if I even drove myself to the hospital, I would be sorry. In fear of his threat of escalating the violence further, I went to sleep on the couch praying he would not come down stairs. I did not know my ribs were broken until the morning. That same morning he gaslit me by saying he hit me due to a “kneejerk reaction”. My spleen was also damaged in this attack. Thank God he did not rupture it. He also tried to blame me for the attack.
The thing is, I was asleep in bed next to him just before this attack. Something comes over him during the night. It seems like a form of demonic possession. He gets up and stomps around some nights and others, he tiptoes very quietly. I have awakened on several occasions with him standing over me, next to my side of the bed. This is a very scary feeling.
When I first met his adult aged daughter, 2 months after getting an apartment with him at his urging, she moved in. Within that first week, he got up one morning after he and I had a beautiful night together and a morning of making love, to talk to his daughter in the living room. I went to take a shower. When I got out of the shower, he came flying into the bedroom shouting in an extreme rage “whore whore whore”. WTF? (I had been a paralegal for 11 straight years at that time and priot to that a webmaster for 6 years). Naturally I verbally defended myself against this slanderous and sudden attack. I said something like ” What is wrong with you? You know I am a paralegal!” As these words came out of my mouth he charged at me and grabbed my panties off the floor and stuffed them in my mouth poking them down my throat with his 2 fingers, choking me. Then he stopped. I then began to cry. I was naked from the shower with nowhere to run. He was blocking the door out to the living room. So I just sat down in the corner and cried and pleaded. He mocked me and shouted something like “look at those fake tears”. Meanwhile, the daughter is right outside the door doing nothing to stop him.
I then said, why are you doing this? Please stop! I am calling the police. Right then, he grabbed my phone off the dresser and called the police with it, saying HE was being attacked. Then he left the apartment. But his daughter stayed at the apartment. I got dressed immediately and went out to living room. She said nothing to me. When the police arrived I started telling the 2 responding officers what happened, but then she started talking over me saying that I hit him and that he never touched me.
My boyfriend/abuser then returned. He had a red mark on his forehead. The police then turned on me threatening me with arrest. They became very cruel.
This was so traumatic!! I was just brutally physically attacked 40 minutes earlier for no reason whatsoever other than whatever the daughter incited him to do while I was showering.
I believe that wgen the police were there, the daughter was texting him telling him she had his boack and that it was safe to return. The police then told me I had to leave. I had my furniture, my clothes, my cat, basically everything I owned there. This was my place and I was just nearly killed and did nothing to defend myself but cry and sit in the corner. The police are now going to give him a pass and throw me out ? Into the street with threat of arrest?
Very very humiliating and I was still traumatized from the attack.
I got my phone back then left the apartment shaking in fear. My boyfriend called within 2 hours saying he was put on a new psyche med and he did not understand what had happened and did not know how he got so insanely ragey but blamed the meds and said he was throwing them out*. When I went back to the apartment, His daughter came out with tears in her eyes apologizing. So I opted to give him another chance. I was somehow made to feel that I was intruding into his daughter’s boundaries though it was my apartment with him and he had divorced his daughter’s mom 12 years before I met him and the daughter was officially an adult. And I was not informed on signing the lease that she would be living there. Yet, I was feeling like I was somehow to blame for her behavior and he blamed meds for his behavior. Like a complete and utter idiot, I forgave them both.
*I did not know that he was even taking psyche meds at that time. This entire excuse later turned out to be a lie.
The following month he put me up on a pedestal as he had done initially.
His daughter was arrested and jailed twice within that same month of this incident. DUI car crash and a shoplifting charge of stealing thousands worth of clothing from the mall when she went up north to go stay with her mom. At that same time, I cancelled the lease and paid the penalties and went back to my little condo. As I was packing my things to go back to the condo that I should have never left (i was having reno work done to prepare to lease out) he started crying like I had never seen a man cry before. He said he could not bear the thought of losing me and that he wanted to come with me. As an empathetic soul I let him move in with me. Regretfully, I ended up in bankruptcy and lost my home as he was not working and my income was not enough for both he and I.
Backstory starting out. He was going through a divorce from his second wife when we met. He had no children with the 2nd wife. Told me she was a horrible woman who hated his kids and that they did not like her. He also said she refused him sex for the previous 2 years. She was incidentally 8 years older than him. In retrospect now, I believe the 2nd wife was also a victim. I believe he and his kids were abusing her.
He said he loved me a week into our initial dating. This is known as the love bombing stage of a malignant narcissist. I found out all of this tactical, diabolical and calculating strategy in the past year as to the malignant narcissist and how they operate. As a confident woman back then, I thought that he fell in love with me because I had qualities.
9.5 years have passed since the apartment story. The past 4 years have been a rollercoaster ride of physical and mental abuse. I am weak, disempowered and completely broken. I have not been able to work the past 2 years. He ripped out a huge chunk of my hair 14 months ago. The stress from that t4auma to my scalp and the extreme trauma have also led to more hair loss. I look awful. I cannot leave the house. I shun my face and make no eye contact with people.
He has been taking heavy prescription drugs recreationally (oxys and amphetamine). I just found out in March when I found his stash. He found a pill mill Doctor. These drugs make him psychotic and very dangerous. Before the discovery of the stash he adamantly denied and deflected. He told me I was/am insane. I was/am paranoid.
Now that I have lost my hair, my looks, my confidence, my career and of course my home, he wants me out. This is known as the discard stage. I was able, in the time with him to help him rebuild and reinvent himself professionally starting 7 years ago. He is making good money now and is not using drugs during daytime hours apparently. The rage occurs every night and all weekend. He restarted the rage and abuse machine when he got with a new doctor 4 years ago. He recently admitted (after I found the drugs) that he was being prescribed from her (the doc) the entire time he has been a patient. I am in therapy with a kind woman who is seeing me at 75% discounted rate. But she has very little understanding of how I cant just leave. She does not have much experience in the Dark Triad or Dark Tetrad cluster B personality types and how these men (80% are men) literally destroy us. It is not so easy to leave without your looks, your hair or your confidence and all while now in amenopausal state withput my youth as an inspiration or source of confidence
I am not suicidal. I wont give him that additional power, but I am crying and praying every day. I am now a realtor but can’t market myself with my pretty hair gone and the haggard look of a beaten down woman who cannot sleep due to stress, fear and anxiety. So I have not sokd even 1 house in a very robust market. I cant look in the mirror due to the damage that is showing up. It hurts me to see it. I am unrecognizable in the worst possible way
I don’t want to go to a shelter. That is not fair! I build him and he breaks me and now I have to be homeless? In a shelter like some druggie? I am not looking for pity. Believe it or not. I just want some place to diary this tragedy of a broken woman who is the fallout and collateral damage of a malignant narcissist. I hope my experience helps all of you reading this.
I tried reaching out to his older sister and his slightly younger sister only to be scorned and ridiculed. His daughter, of course, is no help and she has turned his sisters against me from the onset. The daughter created a false narrative about me from the onset to her aunts to hide her criminal behavior in case it ever came out in order to discredit and vilify me. His son is wise and keeps his distance from his father. His son tried to warn me in mere days upon meeting him. This was before the attack. He told me that I could do far better than his dad. His son and daughter both thought I was a girl when I met them. They thought we had a big age difference. I had to show my ID to prove I was only a year younger than their dad. Now I am ruined. Ruined without drugs or alcohol. Rained by the beatings and verbal abuse and all for being an empathetic fool. An idealist who thought I could fix him because he said he wanted to change and he asked for my help. I elevated his socio economic status and inadvertently imploded my own.
Can I fix me in such a broken state? Is it too late for me? I am crying now as I end this post. I am a good person and I do not deserve to die. I feel like I have so much sorrow that the sorrow alone can kill me. And he can strike again at any time. I moved to another bedroom and barricade myself in every night.
I am requesting prayer from anyone reading this.
(((Hugs)))
P.S. Sorry 4 typos I am on a phone and crying alot. -
empowerme- Hang in there. Hope it gets better.
SG
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empowerme2 – what a terrible story. I am so sorry for your experience. The guy has either antisocial or borderline personality disorder, or a combination of them both. He will never change.
What you can do now is start to disengage emotionally. Please understand that you were targeted from the beginning. The whole crying when you left him episode was fake – just to keep his hooks in you. None of this is your fault – nothing you could have done would have made any difference at all.
When you disengage emotionally, and start to realize that it was never you, it was always him, it may give you the opportunity for your head to start to clear. You do need to get away from him. If you’re able to start thinking, you may come up with some strategies.
BTW – do not bother reaching out to his family. These disorders are genetic, so they are likely disordered as well.
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Hi empowerme2,
I know that it is not fair that you have built him up, only to have your kindness and support trampled upon. It is not fair that he has mistreated you to the extreme. You have been abused atrociously for a long time now, and it has been escalating to the point that your life is in danger. I hope that you will reconsider going to a shelter for your safety. They have ones that are especially for abused women, with people there who can support you. Step by step you can get your self esteem back, and get your life back. I know you can do it and to do that the first step is to get away from the horrible abuser.
Blessings to you -
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empowerme- If you are paying half the rent and he is abusive, he really is a parasite. You need to find safe housing and a way to get your possessions out. I agree with Donna. Detach emotionally so your head is clear. Hope you can move forward.
SG
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Hi empowerme2,
I was thinking that some states have a common law marriage law which means that you don’t need a marriage certificate to claim rights when you have split up with someone you’ve been involved with and living together with for many years. Maybe find out about that because you might have a legal cause to a good settlement. I totally understand about the dilemma about the logistics of your things. Another idea would be to go to the library and the librarian could help you to find organizations or help groups who could assist you with these kinds of issues, like help with moving your items and placement. If you make a move it could be a temporary transition – don’t forget that you are extremely intelligent and that you were a paralegal for many years and a web master too. There are many groups who do good for the environment and other good causes who do still pay their employees. I think they would welcome your help when you are ready. Glad to hear that you are looking for an apartment of your own. That sounds wonderful!
Blessings to you -
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empowerme- From what you’ve said, I see it differently but you are sounding better.
SG
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Hi empowerme2,
What you said about getting ‘you’ back is exactly the ticket! and I like your ideas of working with either environmental law or restarting your “rockn” realtor business. You are doing exactly what you need to do: to project what you want your future to look like. That is part of the law of success and to attract what you wish for into your reality. It also brings positive energy, and the more you are positive, the easier it will be for you to take constructive action in order to shift your current circumstances. I am so so happy to hear about your goals!
Blessings to you. -
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Hi empowerme2 –
Yes, a whole world of healing, rebirth and discovery awaits you ! It will be a new thrilling adventure. Oh – I love your idea about the sea turtles ! You are already in the light, so keep going and become more and more infused with it.
Blessings to you. -
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Hi empowerme2,
I got a really good idea for you. If you do some research into an environmental group that you would like to join, and if they have a program where you would actually do some hands on type work, like going to the coast to help rescue sea creatures or whatever you find that you would want to contribute to, you could ask if they have any promoters who would be willing to pay your way ( like someone who would want to do it and has the funds but not the time ), or if they have funds ear marked for that kind of situation. … or… You could look up that ” Go Fund Me ” site, where people send money for worthy causes to individuals with a need. You could post something saying that you are in need of help to get out of an abusive situation, and that your goal is to help ( here you would put in the details that you researched ). You could say that you need support to get settled and start the environmental work, but anything extra would be donated to the environmental group. Or something like that. First would be doing research and then if you start by even going to a meeting, your focus would be lifted and a momentum would be started. Synchronicity happens!
Blessings to you. -
Hi empowerme2,
I hope I didn’t overwhelm you with all of those ideas from my last post to you ! I apologize if it was a bit too much. Wishing you many blessings.
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