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Hello,
My question needs an explanation so here it goes…..At the end of October, I will have been married to a man for 22 years. I have known him for 23 years. My life has been turned upside down the past few months. Through the years, I always knew in my gut something wasn’t right but because I came from dysfunction I ignored my gut. I tried everything to make this marriage work only for him to treat my children and me worse. I finally got up the courage and asked for help from my Dad and sister and we were secretly planning my exit.
I worked for 8 years at a job I really liked and enjoyed but in October a new manager took over and it was like working for my husband. It was a nightmare and I started to dread going to work every day.
Things started going downhill in December. Like every other holiday, birthday, and anniversary my husband left without notice to go to his parent’s house for Christmas. The kids and I went to my sister’s house. Something happened to me at my sister’s house and I blacked out. I didn’t wake up until the next day. I was told by my daughter that I had lost control and was screaming and crying at my sister. I have no memory of that day. I soon went into a deep depression that I fought to come out of.
I was so embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior and I didn’t reach out to my sister to apologize. I was upset that no one checked up on me to make sure I was okay. My behavior at Christmas was totally out of character and my pride kept me from reaching back out to my sister.
I felt what little support I had was now gone.
In March of this year, an old boss asked if I would like to come work for him. He lives a few hours away in a really beautiful peaceful area – and my daughter and I went up there to check everything out. We fell in love with the area and the opportunity for a new start. I accepted the job and my boss understood that I would have to get a divorce and put the house up for sale.
I decided to give notice at my job (it had gotten much worse) and on the day I was going to give notice, I was fired. I wasn’t unhappy that the job was over just not happy with why I was fired. I was glad that I didn’t have to go there every day and I was glad I didn’t have to see an old man that lived at my place of work. All I did was say “hi” one day to this man and the next thing he is coming into work every day bringing me gifts, telling me he loves me, thinking I am his girlfriend. A nightmare on top of everything else!
That was at the beginning of May. I didn’t tell my husband I was fired. We barely spoke and I thankfully didn’t see him much. At the end of May, my daughter had her prom. DH was off again with his “parents” – he has had numerous affairs so I really didn’t buy it. I was alone for the weekend and for a reason I still am trying to understand I decided to stop and pick up some wine at the grocery store. I usually don’t drink, dh is an alcoholic and since I was both Mom and Dad to my kids, I wanted them to have at least one parent who wasn’t dependent on something.
That night I admit I was feeling sorry for my self and I was lonely. I reached out to several friends but they were busy. I decided to go driving. This is something I always did to get away from dh, only this night I had had a few drinks and you can guess what happened. I was charged with a DWI. While spending the night in jail, I reached out to my father and he, in turn, called dh.
From the moment I came home, dh treated me even worse. Weeks before, my son who up to that point had been working to get my daughter and me out of the house, jumped ship and went to dh’s side. My son told my husband everything and my DWI gave my husband the excuse he needed. My son did something much worse that I will just share with you guys in another post.
He finally moved out of the bedroom and into another room. For 23 years, I took care of the finances. He cleaned out our joint checking account and opened his own account and his paycheck is now deposited in that account.
I had to raise my own money to find and pay for a lawyer. I sell online – just making enough to cover the bare necessities. He will not pay any of the credit card bills, food for me or my daughter, gas, etc.
I told him I just want to sell what we have, sell the house and go our separate ways. He says yes, and then when I had the estate person here to look at our things he ran her off. She is so scared, she says I can’t have the sale in my home as long as he is there.
I had a realtor over and he ran them off. Every few days he will come into my room and verbally attack me. I try to tape every conversation. On one of these attacks, I was skyping my friend in California. She knows how my marriage is just not to the extent it is. She heard how he spoke to me. It took her listening to tell me, “THIS IS NOT NORMAL” – I always knew in my gut and questioned a lot. Deep down, I always thought it was me. If only I was a better wife, mother, employee… My friend told me he was gaslighting me, talking in circles, etc…I started looking up those terms which let me to a psychopathic narcissist, which led me to the book, “When Love is a Lie” and “Power: Surviving & Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi. This led me here…..
My friend apologized to me and felt so bad for not knowing how bad things are. But how could she? I never came out and told her exactly what happens or even recognize myself how not normal things are. My friend has been wonderful and I honestly don’t know if I would have made it these past months if she wasn’t there for me!
My husband did move out of my bed, but his clothes are still in the dresser and closet and every morning he comes in and uses the shower. He makes a point of slamming the dresser drawers and making lots of noise in the bathroom so I will wake up. Every few nights when he comes home from work he comes into the room and verbally attacks me. They include much more but every day He tells me to pack my fucking shit and go. Tells me he will turn my car back in (it is in both our names) that he won’t sell the house. Attacks I try to record.
In May my son gave Larry the stalker (from my work) my phone number and my home address. Larry called every day – I blocked his number but he still left up to 10 voicemails a day. He then started showing up at the house. My friend told me to call the police and yesterday I finally did it. I know I should have done it sooner but I was hesitant to call our local police after what had happened to me earlier. Larry was camped out in front of our house and the police came. They filed a criminal trespass against him and told him if he made any further contact with me they would arrest him. The officer knew a little of my history and he told me to please call the police if anything goes wrong.
I am glad I called and I hope Larry got the message and will finally leave me alone. This led me to think about finally having the courage to finally move dh’s things into the other bedroom. I just want him to stay out of this room. My thought process is that the day I do it he would come to my bedroom door and try to break it down to get in – maybe I could call the police?
My friend is afraid for me and she said over the past few months he is getting worse and that this might add fuel to the fire. That I should just focus on selling my things and getting out.
I don’t have any money. The money I had saved has gone to the lawyers (not divorce) and to all the other bills my dh won’t pick up. I am a bookkeeper and my brain is mush right now. I just can’t think straight. I hope this post makes sense.
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First, you are dealing with too much on your own. You were reluctant to apologize to your sister. Do it now. You need all the support you can get. You were reluctant to call the police on your stalker. You are reluctant to move your husband or yourself out.
Take a deep breath and take action. Call whomever you can trust for help, and get yourself a place to stay, an attorney, and a therapist. Start a GoFundMe if you have to.
Tomorrow, get some fresh air and listen to music. Daydream about the wonderful future you will have, and then make a list of things to do to get him out of your life. Make a list of things you will need to get them done. Get started.
When you are tempted to drink or yell at someone or panic, instead, grab that list and get back to work.
You can do this!
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Pennride -I am so sorry for your situation. I am sure your husband is behaving in that way just to torment you. I agree with your friend – you need to evaluate whether moving your husband’s stuff out of the room will incite him to worse behavior. Or, it may make no difference. Just because his stuff is no longer in your room doesn’t mean he won’t come in and berate you.
The key is to figure out how to get away. You might have to do it in stages. Is there anyone you can stay with temporarily? Maybe even a women’s shelter. They should understand that verbal abuse may escalate to violence.
Perhaps you should go ahead and move away to the other job and worry about the divorce later. It will take a long time anyway – divorces with sociopaths are never easy.
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Pennride, sending you HUGE HUGS hon!!!??? Thank goodness your friend told you the truth and thank goodness you started to research the truth!!
BRAVO to you for having the courage to search for the truth which lead you to this wonderful site Lovefruad. Donna Anderson (site creater of Lovefraud) is amazing and has created such a safe place for everyone who had endured the hell that you are to educate themselves & have a great support network for healing. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU, WE BELIVE YOU…YOU ARE NO LONGER ALONE!! ???
BRAVO to you for having the courage to post your story!!! PAT yourself on the back hon, this is the first giant leap to escaping the hell you are in & for healing.
It is not easy to escape, it is not easy to accept the hell you are truly enduring on a daily bases. But, you have open your eyes & mind to the truth. And you are making steps out. KEEP MOVING FORWARD WITH YOUR DIVORCE.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOCAL ABUSE CENTER FOR HELP WITH A DOMESTIC ABUSE SAFETY & EXIT PLAN (google term) OUT OF THIS ABUSIVE MARRIAGE. Your local abuse center may have funds to help with your divorce and can also help you with a safe place to move into. IN the USA you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE to get local abuse center numbers and also to talk with a free counselor about a Safety & Exit plan out.
Right know your body & mind are in survival mode. Right now your stress level is thru the roof. This is adding to your “mesh brain”. Sadly, when you are living in hell with a sociopath your brain ends up not working correctly because of the daily stress the sociopath INTENTIONALLY puts you under to CONTROL you. I had the same issue hon, my body & mind was exhausted to a point I ended bed ridden from the stress.
Look into ADRENAL FATIGUE SYMPTOMS on the net & sites like Adrenal fatigue. org and DrLam.com…see their symptoms list.
On another support site, the site creator asked if anyone suffered health issues when with the narcissist /sociopath. Over 400 victims respond YES!! Their symptoms were ALL adrenal fatigue symptoms.
You are most likely suffering from PTSD…I believe the root health issue of PTSD is adrenal fatigue (at least this was me). The adrenal glands regulate the body’s blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol and adrenaline levels (fight, flight or freeze mode) and over 50 hormones!! THEY ARE A HUGE DEAL. With continual stress such as a toxic relationship, poor diet, drugs or alcohol use, lack of sleep, rest or relaxation the adrenal glands will become fatigue. When the adrenal glands are not functioning correctly it will wreak havoc on your body, mind & spirit.
Some symptoms list: (This is the very short list)
depression
anxiety
sleep issues
mood swings
memory loss
brain fog (aka mush brain)
difficulty making good decisions
etc etcTo heal your adrenal glands you need a good clean diet, plenty of rest, relaxation & sleep, good clean diet, possible natural hormonal replacement (not man made), vitamins & minerals etc.
I was lucky enough to have a friend guide me to a Endocrinologist doctor after I escaped my ex h a sociopath. The doctor prescribed a Rx of Progesterone pills (natural NOT synthetic) and also Dr Wilsons adrenal vitamins (see Adrenal Fatigue. org for more info).
I would HIGHLY recommend that you find a good Endocrinologist doctor that will test you for vitamin & mineral deficiency, Cortisol levels (see Adrenal fatigue .org for info on this test), thyroid T3 and T4 (if you have thyroid issues you have adrenal fatigue issues) and any other test your doctor recommends.
GET YOUR HEALTH IN ORDER…this will help you to plan your exit out.
Google: “Super Juice Me documentary you tube” and also “Sick, fat and nearly dead. com” to watch these documentaries that will flood your body with much needed vitamins & minerals with will help with your brain function and also your stress level. Check with your doctor first before changing your diet.
Google: “Dr Amen PBS you tube” and “Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube”…both have books on NY TIMES Best seller list…your local library may have them.
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING THAT THIS SOCIOPATH IS DOING TO YOU DAILY. KEEP A JOUNAL WITH DATES TIMES ETC. ASK YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS TO DO THE SAME WITH THE INFO YOU GIVE THEM. THIS CAN BE USED IN COURT.
I am so sorry that you got yourself into trouble. This happens hon, do not beat yourself up. You are/were in survival mode that night you went out. You learned your lesson. So do not beat yourself up. I have read similar stories.
Right now…DO NOT drink, or do any illegal drugs to calm your nerves. Donna has written about this. Right now the stress you are under it is very common to reach for something to calm your nerves. Getting your health in order vitamins, minerals, possible Rx of progesterone will all calm your nerves.
PLEASE know that sociopaths do not want their spouses to sleep. Why? because they want full control over you. That is their ultimate goal. He might be sleeping around but he still does not want you to leave him. Sociopath always want control over everyone. My ex h did the same with regards to keeping me awake or waking me up. Banging things to make noice when I sleep, then I would be awake all night. HE would come in and scream at me that the bedroom tv was to loud. I found out after I left him he was on the computer on pick up chat sites and was having 3 affairs. SO I believe he came in to yell at me to not only throw me off but so that he could chat with his mistress on the phone with out them asking who was with him because they could hear the tv.
I agree with your friend that you do NOT want to set this man off…a sociopath wants to destroy their mate when the mate finally has enough of their hellish nightmare. SO PLEASE be careful and reach out to you local abuse center. They maybe able to give you funds for an apartment or have apartments set up for you to move into. That way you can get on with healing in a safe place.
I am so sorry that you are enduring this nightmare. We have all been where you are at now…it’s HELL. But you should be so proud of yourself for making steps out.
DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY ARGUMET WITH THIS SOCIOATH!! AVOID ALL ARGUMENTS…AS A SOCIOPATH WANTS TO WIN BATTLES AT ALL COST. You can not win a battle on your own. So just ignore him…when he lashes out just leave the room if you can safely. IF you can not leave the room safely…just keep telling yourself that you know the truth and that you are going to have an amazing knew life when you finally are divorced. But do not tell him that you have learned he is a sociopath!! For your safety BITE YOUR TONGUE and also for your children safety.
CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER EVERY TIME YOU COME TO LOVE FRAUD OR ANY OTHER SUPPORT SITE.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE HON, WE HEAR YOU, WE BELIVE YOU, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!
Keep venting here.
Wishing you all the best.
Sending you huge hugs!! ???
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Please also know the most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she is either planning to leave or has just left her abuse. This is why it is imperative to get help from your local abuse center with a safety & exit plan out.
Hugs to you!!
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