- This topic has 26 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 8 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
-
GOOD GUY: I met him when I had broken my leg. He took me to my doctor visits. He would be there for every surgery. He would clean around my mom’s house. He would cook. He would be the friend of all my friends. He never verbally abused me (not even joking did he ever call me stupid), he was always respectful with sex (no bondage nor rudeness), never once did he hit me or showcased any violence towards me. If I needed something and he could do it , he would always be there for me. Always answering the phone to keep make me laugh, bring my hopes up, my #1 fan with my career and goals, and to give me emotional suppport.
BAD GUY: Cheated on me with whores and various girls throughout the entire relationship. Loansharked me out of 15kand max my cards with over 5k. Learnt that he had scam people with several business transactions, owed a loan of 50k in the bank that he stopped paying so his parents are now paying for it. Compulsive lying about his money, where he was, who he was with. No goals, just lived day by day, Unsteady jobs, failing to pay financial obligations like BILLS. Always asking for loans from friends and not paying back.
I left because I couldnt deal with the shame that my man was always owing people and because the constant lying had given me heavy anxiety. I still remained his friend for 2 years expecting him to change (while he duped me that soon things would go back to normal and i could be with him – NO SEX we had), meanwhile he had a woman pregnant and he didnt tell me until the baby was born (yet he had managed to take 10k from me- THROUGH Loans). So even as a friend I was being manipulated and con. Its so hard for me to put this two persons together. I cant believe that my good guy is this bad guy. Ive been told by my psychiatrist he has APD, and its so hard for me to accept it. I cry for the good guy, but I am scared of the bad one. However, I am more scared of MYSELF. I feel that I can easily be manipulated again because I am in denial. I am NC for a month now, and I am struggling with my emotional self because rationally I know he is not good.
-
Hi ina91,
your post is very powerful in showcasing how a sociopath can mess with your mind continuously by pretending to be “good” but, really is a bad person. I’m sorry that you got tangled up with this evil man. And that he stole your money.
PLease do a search here on LF for:
1) cognative dissonance…this is holding two different belief systems he is good/he is bad
sociopaths know how to manipulate us with lovebombing, pity me manipulation and cunningness to stir us away from our gut instinct = to run from them. This guy is no differnt this is why you are confused over him…he intentionally planted seeds in your mind TO confuse you. HE IS A BAD GUY PERIOD…everything that he did that in your mind was “good” was ALL A CON GAME TO GET WHAT HE WANTED!! IE Money, sex, manupulate you & your friends, family etc.
2) Gas lighting abuse
Do a search here on LF for “Gift of fear by Gavin Debecker”. DOnna wrote a book review on this must read book.
Also, look up “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their video on always listening to your gut.
Look back in the beginning of your relationship with him & write down all the red flags he gave off and how you felt mentally & physically around him in the beginning & through…no doubt your gut was giving off strong ALARM BELLS with him that he twisted your head away from (like all sociopaths do to their vicitms)
My first impression of my ex h, a sociopath, was “He’s a tornado”…second time we met “He’s crazy” (not crazy fun but crazy crazy)…my gut instincts were dead on!! So were yours if you think about it. It’s important to remember how well your gut instinct worked & re-educating yourself on how to trust your gut instincts again after being abused by a sociopath.
YOu were abused by him hon…he emotionally, mentally, finacial & verbally abused you with manipulation. The bulk of domestic abuse is emotional, mental, verbal & finacial abuse. YES!!
Wishing you all the best.
-
-
Hi Ina, I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Yes as Jan said this confusion is called cognitive dissonance: two contradictory perceptions. Good and bad. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Loving and cruel.
The way to reconcile this contradiction is by understanding that a con man HAS to present as a good guy to target and con people. If he presented his true self (bad guy) he could never con anyone because everyone would stay away. He HAS to put up a charming amazing trustworthy front because that is the only way he can draw in his victims to con them.
-
ina91- You painted an exact picture of how the sociopaths of this world charm their way into our lives and ingratiate themselves with our friends and family to make themselves look wonderful. Like others have stated it is all a con game, a means to an end that benefits only the sociopath.
I think it is therapeutic to list both dynamics- the good guy and the bad guy, so you can see in black and white who they really are. I’ve had to do the same, especially in the beginning of my NC. Basically it is our emotions fighting our reality…..cognitive dissonance.
As others have said, we’d never fall for them if they displayed their evil side in the beginning. This is their method to their madness…..charm and con us with everything being fake and manufactured to get what they want in the end. They are so skilled at manipulating with a lifetime of experience that we never see it coming. Red flags may be frantically waving at us, yet as normal human beings we dismiss them thinking no one could fake something like this.
I’m so sorry for your pain. Continue NC ……it is the only road to healing.
-
Funluv YES as you said: “yet as normal human beings we dismiss them thinking no one could fake something like this.”
For any normal person it’s just unimaginable that someone can pretend to love you, pretend to care, pretend to have a genuine emotional connection. It’s just inconceivable.
You really have to make an intentional effort to understand this from the mind of a sociopath: the good guy act is a manipulation strategy to get close to people to con them.
My mom still to this day does not really accept that about my ex. She still thinks that my ex has two personalities, good and bad. I have explained to her many times that the bad one is real and the good one is an act. But she refuses to believe it. Because the cognitive dissonance and disbelief at bad intentions is so difficult that many people simply just refuse to believe it.
It’s a much safer warmer world if you can genuinely believe that people have good intentions. Unfortunately it’s just not true and you have to protect yourself by being aware that not all people are good. And that some are just faking it so they can use you for something. Sad but true. 🙁
-
-
sept4- Exactly! No one imagines the havoc the sociopath can create because they are so skilled at making themselves look wonderful in the beginning. They feel an extra rush when family members also think highly of them. That way in the end, they can make themselves out as the victim and we are the doubting crazy ones. My ex used to make statements like “because I’m such a nice guy, blah, blah, blah.” At that time I just thought he was being overly arrogant and he would argue that “he was merely stating facts.”
I know for most of us going forward we will definitely be on the look-out for red flags and be listening to our gut. We have to remember to compare new people to our “Constant” -these are the people in our lives who genuinely love us and who would never intentionally hurt us. If new people that come into our life do not meet that comparison then we definitely need to proceed with caution or dismiss them from our life.
sept4- It sounds like it is futile to have the argument with your mom if she is not seeing your ex for who he truly is. No sense expending your energy, instead perhaps make it clear that the subject is off limits. It’s similar to so many that cannot understand why the victim does not just up and leave their physically abusive partner. It’s not always that easy. Others who have not experienced a situation like this think it’s so simple, when in fact it is complicated and can be life threatening. That is why so often times victims just stay.
Yes, the sociopath’s con game is something “normal” human beings never imagine – it is not in our nature!
-
ina91- It’s amazing the clarity we see once we are removed from the chaotic relationship. It’s helpful for our healing to see the things that we initially missed or dismissed.
When I was trying to break free from my ex sociopath my therapist asked me why someone like myself who was organized, smart, independent, responsible, paid my bills on time would be with someone who had a criminal history and had knowingly scammed an elderly lady out of some of her life savings? I could only answer by saying it was an addiction I could not shake. His voice was addictive and I remember getting excited seeing his phone number come across my caller ID. Sad, that it was the only way I could validate being with him.
He also kept promising things would change and he would say, “everything is on the one” meaning we were on track and it would only be a matter of time before he would move to my state and we’d be together. Every unfulfilled promise caused me great stress and depression. They have a way of raising our hopes and then letting us down and over time it can create a form of PTSD. The best and most noticeable thing about making the decision to exit my relationship is no longer having the anxiety that he caused. I can think clearly now and even though I have bouts of emotional sadness it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Keep tracking all of the things you may have missed – it will help to see him as he truly is …….nothing but a low life con. It does get better…..day by day, month by month……you WILL get your life back.
-
-
Hello ina91,
YES!! The sociopath spotted your vunerality with your broken leg. He new he could con you…why?
Steven Hassan a cult expert & counselor states in his book Freedom of mind (see Donna’s book review – search up at the top of LF), that the most likely time for a abuser to manipulate themselves into your life is when you have some kind of life change….such as:
going off to college, empty nest, new job, death in the family…in your case a health issue = broken leg.
Why this time can they easily manipulate someone?
Because your guard is down…you are focused on your life change and not your surroundings. For you, your body was also in shock from the trauma & was physically healing with takes energy.
For me, I moved out of state for a new job…I was lonely…I was easy prey.
I had zero intereted in dating him…he knew this. He asked me if he could “kiss me”…I said “NO” he kissed me anyway…he came to my house without calling…which I hated..he called my answering machine 10 times a day even though he knew i was at work. The never let up…they know this…they just keep pushing the door open when you keep attempting to shut it…but, they know the more they try the more you will get exhausted and let them into your life.
They know this…because they have done this method their whole life with everyone not just romantic partners. My ex is still doing this…so is your ex…and will always do this method…even in attempts to “win you back” they will use these same methods so BEWARE!!
the good news is…YOU HAVE A VERY STRONG GUT REACTION TO SOCIOPATHS!! Keep educating yourself here at Lovefraud & with Donna’s books (see book store at top of LF). The more you educate yourself, the more your brain/mind will shift back to your old self and your STRONG GUT INSTINTS.
When I left my ex h, a sociopath after years of emotional/mental/verbal/finacial abuse I was broken & exhausted mentally & physically. I always had a very strong gut reaction to people. But, he changed that, I stopped listening to my gut instincts and become more depended on him…that is what he wanted and purposely planned with his manipulation. They all do this.
It took me time to listen to my gut instinct after leaving. I would recommend you read the book “The gift of fear by Gavin Debecker and google “Oprah Gavin Debecker’…these will remind you to listen to your gut instinct that little voice is sending ALARM BELLS to keep you alive and to let you know you need to run.
I know for me, it’s a huge regret that I did not listen to my instant ALARM BELLS going off everyday with him…but, especially the first two times I meet him thru a mutural friend. But, now I know why my gut alarm when off…with not only my ex but, with many people. Wish they would have taught this in middle school or sooner.
You State:
Yet, when I was vulnerable he was able to charm his way, and the lies started as day 1.
YES!! This is exactly what they all do. The PRETEND to be a “good guy’…night in shining armer type…but their not it’s ALL a CON GAME. FAKE.
You State:
He fooled me into believing he had a similar car accident as me (showed me his scars) yet I found out year laters that he had broken his hand playing basketball. He mirrored my situation to get close to me. I remember suffering from IBS for years due to the constant lies that only gave me depression.
YES!! my ex did this too with trauma that I told him about. He made it all about him…he was manipulating my mind intentionally.
They ALL do this!! So this is a RED FLAG in the future if someone keeps mimicing you & your behavior. RUN RUN RUN. they are not good people.
Yes, you will find good people have simular interest or past, but it’s the manipuation tachtics that stand out that you have to focus on if a Bad person is doing them.
You State:
I went to therapy to change myself because I felt I was too toxic for him. My body was always warning me about him, but I stayed expecting the “promised change”.YEP! When I caught my ex h cheating…I was DONE…it was my escape out…but, what I did not prepare for was my ex pulling out every sociopath trick in the book to prevent me from leaving him.
From:
crying, sobbing (all fake)
“pity me manipulation” (do a search here on lovefraud)
“blamb shifting’ (do a search on LF)
and other tachtics to tap into my empathy & compassion to ultamately control my mind so that I would not leave…also to just wear me down so that I was even more exhausted then I was prior do to his constant chaos & drama.
My ex when I found out about his affair (first/I had suspicion that he was cheating but now proof and when I asked ofcourse he spun my head very quickly from my gut instincts) he layed on a heavy blame shift so I felt like I was the reason why he cheated. I was the one buying “how to heal your marraige after an affair” type books…and what did he do NOTHING…even though he begged me to stay…said he “would do anything I asked” it was ALL a con game. He never went to individual counseling or anthing else on the list. And he never had plans to do anything from the get go except make me the one to hold the pain that he caused.
This is what they all do. Keep reading DOnna’s amazing articles & read the comments from others. Both will help open your mind from his brain washing and move you back towards your old self.
Keep venting & asking questions. It’s a major part in healing. if you dont want to vent here, you can vent via a journal.
Take care, 💜🌺💜
-
-
Jan7 yes my ex also loved the pity play manipulation tactic. During the divorce whenever I tried to stand up for myself or tried to stand up for my financial rights, he would give me some vague sob story about how is life was sooooo difficult and “you don’t know what I’ve been through” and “you don’t know how much I’m suffering” etc.
When HE was the one who was cheating and had a drug addiction and double life and HE caused our breakup and HE caused all the suffering. Now he was playing the victim. Without even accusing me of anything but simply by telling me how difficult his life was. Because he knew that was enough to play into my empathy which was his strongest manipulation strategy. And of course once he ran out of pity plays he switched his strategy to threats.
-
-
Sept 4, they are masters at the “pity me manipulation” tactic. Yes, in divorce court my ex tried the same bs. Yep, my ex too..if one tactic did not work, he would switch. All to wear us down so they get what they want….like a child screaming in the cookie section of the grocery store.lol.
What a nightmare you dealt with too. I hope all the women that are suffering right now at the hands of a sociopath (especially during lockdown) find the strenght to research or just flee & research by finding their way to Lovefraud.
I cant even imagine having to be trapped in a home during lockdown with my ex h. what a nightmare that would be. Hopefully his current victim who ever she is, escapes.
-
-
Yes, ina91 they never accept responsibility for any of their actions. They continuously blame everyone else for their “misfortune.” My ex blamed one of the mother’s of his children claiming she knew her cycle and tricked him by getting pregnant. When I asked him what he did to prevent any pregnancy from happening since he claimed he never wanted kids, he still pointed the finger at her. Their excuses and rationale are childish, immature and laughable! My ex also used to tell me I had no idea what he’s been through. I’m sure he was partially accurate in that statement given he lied about everything under the guise of “being a very private person” (his words).
I swear all of the narcissistic sociopathic personalities of the world could be one and the same person. Their tactics are all so similar. Honestly, they get what they deserve!
-
my ex was the same. And YES…some how they read the same damn playbook on how to screw over good people.
-
-
-
ina91,
Please know that the bulk of domestic abuse is emotional, mental, verbal (not yelling so much but, manipulation) & financial abuse.
Typically, physical abuse does not occur until the victim is about to leave or has just left. This is the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse. So keep your guard up & if you notice anything unusual take a photo & call the police.
I would recommend that you look at the National Domestic abuse hotline website. They have very good info on there…look up “definition of abuse on there site as well.
I thought like most that “physical abuse’ had to occur to make it “abuse”…after I escaped my ex I went to therapy & also my local abuse center. There I listen to other abuse victims stories where 80% were none physically (or occasional physical) and only 20% severe physical. So the fact that he did not physically abuse is right inline with what the abused centers stats. You escaped before he could abuse you. Thank goodness.
You state:
I remember every time I would try leaving him he would send me` flowers, or get suddenly get sick, one time he accepted he had a problem with alcohol and needed help, the last tactic was saying he had depression like me and needed help (he went twice to counseling and never again). He would say that he would defraud people from their money because an accident happened or people were just inconsiderate and selfish or he was too nice to themTHIS IS CLASSIC RED FLAG THAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH A SOCIOPATH…they often play sick…some even going to great lenghts to pretend they had cancer by shaving their heads..some even got to “Go fund” type sides to have others give them money when they are not even sick.
My ex attempted a little of this “I’m sick” bs not to the lenght above when I had left. He also in court when we were waiting outside a closed court hearing for someone else attempted to play pity me with a sick relative to suck me into pity play manipulation. I said I dont care & got up & walked away.
Donna has written stories of sociopath faking cancer. So look for those.
glad you are posting so that we can help you open your mind to see him for what he really is = con artist sociopath.
By getting educated you will have super armour to prevent him from boomerang back into your life down the road. BEWARE these sociopaths always try to come back into a past victim life that they scammed before…whether a week from now or years from now…they let the dust settle so the victim for gets the little details then they come back in to destroy the victim even more and take what every they are after.
-
Also, my ex NEVER gave a TRUE apology EVER…only if I would not accept his bs would he say a few words..but, they were always very shallow apologize…with zero feelings or understanding of why he was apologizing. Not normal behavior from a good human.
-
Jan7 yes I did not understand until years later that I had been abused. To me domestic abuse was if a man beats you. I did not understand or recognize the emotional abuse and financial abuse I was suffering. Especially because he did the abuse with a smile on his face and gifts in his hand. I did not see the abuse.
-
-
Jan7 yes my ex has also never apologized. Never showed remorse or shame. He felt entitled to do whatever he wants. He sees himself as above the law and above morals. The rules do not apply to him. He makes a lot of money and in his view that entitles him to do anything he wants with zero regard for morals or the rights of other people or the law. He feels that he has nothing to be ashamed of or remorseful for. He sees himself as the king who is above all that.
-
-
Hi Ina,
Am so sorry you went through this. You never deserved this abhorrent behavior.
My ex-h was also one to play and love animals and babies. He was supportive and kind. He helped out and worked hard. He told me his prayers to God for a good wife were answered when he met me. Slowly (we were married 20 years) after many years, I saw none of this was true. He lied about wanting kids, abused our pet. He ridiculed religion and said he often had a hard time believing in God. He stole my money, refused to work, was physically and verbally abusive. He refused to do household chores. Let bills slide so I would take them over. He became angry or ignored me when I was sick. He did a 180 from our dating/engaged days.
We all feel the same way. It’s hard to believe these disordered people exist. It’s hard to believe someone would act being good instead of really being good deep inside.
They do what they want and enjoy hurting the people they are fooling. It’s mind-boggling.
The intense pain and trauma bond go away if you continue NC forever. That’s the only way to heal if you have no children together. That will allow you to make room for good people in your life.
-
Omg. This sounds exactly like my ex. Always super nice and supportive. But also able to get loans from soo many people and never pay them back. A pathlogically lying cheater. But ALL the most amazing words all the time.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.