My brother is a SP- Do I need to stay away from him?

[g3ntlejen]

My brother is a bipolar, sociopathic drug addict. I’m assuming the “no contact” rule (saw it in a post here) means what it says– have NO CONTACT with a SP (sociopath). If I’m understanding this correctly, does this mean I should cut him out of my life? He’s 13 years older than myself. Thanks in advance for your kind replies.

[g3ntlejen]

I guess I’m reluctant to cut him out of my life because he IS my brother. I do care about him, but he has hurt me a lot in my life. If you recommend I do so to protect myself, I’ll speak to my counselor about it and then decide. My brother never, ever calls me to see how I am and he knows how I’m suffering in my life. If this is the way he wants to be, then I don’t want to bother with someone who doesn’t want to bother with me. Again, thanks for your replies.

[Donna Andersen]

g3ntlegen – I am so sorry for your situation. Unfortunately, sociopaths live their lives by exploiting people – and that especially includes their family members. I’ve heard from many Lovefraud readers who were used and abused by brothers and sisters. No, he does not care about your troubles, and if you reach out to him, he may turn it around to try to take advantage of you. I recommend No Contact.

[Sunnygal]

I agree with Donna. No Contact.

SG

[g3ntlejen]

I understand what you are saying, but I guess I’m confused. My brother has never exploited me to my knowledge unless I don’t understand what “exploiting” is. He has lied to me, “gaslighted” me and admitted that he stole money from me once, but I don’t know if this is “exploiting.”
My brother HAS done some disturbing things to me in my life, such as taking a pillow and holding it over my face when I a child as I lay on the couch. I couldn’t breathe and I was terrified. He tore the pillow away from my face, and as I yelled and cried he yelled “FAKER– FAKER!” at me. I also had an incident when my doctor didn’t adjust my insulin levels after I lost a lot of weight. It turns out I was taking too much insulin, unbeknownst to me. My brother lived with me briefly for a time and he was watching TV downstairs and heard a ruckus upstairs. He came up and found me yelling and screaming on my bedroom floor. I didn’t know what was going on, who he was, who I was or where I was. I had taken 45 units of insulin the night before and I was “crashing”– my blood sugar had dropped dangerously low because I was taking too much and I was delirious. My brother, Dale, left me there. He didn’t call 911, he didn’t do anything to help. He left me in that condition and left the house to go to his apartment. He did this every other day to feed his cat, but he also is a marijuana addict, so he was mainly going there to smoke his dope, which he has been addicted to since 13– he’s now in his 60’s. He has never exploited me and he has even helped me financially and has helped me in other ways. I guess I’m confused. I’d appreciate any advice.

[g3ntlejen]

Note that my brother lived with me for about 2 years even though he had an apartment because our father died and he said he wanted to stay and help me. I live in my parents’ house at the moment.
My parents are both dead. Unfortunately, Dale never helped me around the house. He has always been very, very lazy. My counselor said that perhaps he lived with me because he didn’t want to be alone. I don’t know why that would be because he has no problems being alone– he has been for years. Just thought I’d clarify. Thanks.

[g3ntlejen]

And again, as I said, he never calls me to see how I am. Then again, I don’t call HIM, either. But that’s because he doesn’t call me. He never has. So sad. I am working on forgiving him (and many other people who have hurt me), but that doesn’t mean I’m going to keep people in my life if they have done or are doing me damage. This applies whether I am “blood” to that person or not. I care about myself too much to put up with such crap anymore. I deserve WAY better– and so do ALL OF YOU HERE. 🙂

[polestar]

Hi g3ntlejen – my opinion is that if someone doesn’t do something that is of utmost importance, their not doing speaks as loud as their doing something obvious. The thing about psychological abuse is that it is often called “ hidden abuse “ because it is not obvious. So the fact that you could have died and he just left without calling 911, shows extreme abuse. About the pillow incident, it clearly indicates a sociopathic character. So the main thing is for you to know that your brother is a sociopath. The next issue is what to do about him in the present, and in regards to your current relationship with him. Many people do not realize that there are 2 ways to do No Contact. The first is absolute disconnection from the person in every way – physically, mentally, emotionally. The second kind is called “ Detached Contact “ that is for people who do not want to continue a relationship, but they must remain in a situation – usually this has to do with children and co parenting, but other cases are appropriate in this category as well. What it entails is to remove yourself from the sociopath’s life in every way except when it is utterly necessary to communicate, but when doing so, to be totally emotionally detached and to keep any communication etc to the barest minimum. In your case, your brother is not reaching out to communicate with you at all, and you are not communicating with him as well. So it is basically that you no longer have a relationship anyway and are essentially in No Contact. I see no reason to contact him so that you can declare that you will have nothing further to do with him. That would actually be breaking No Contact anyway. And it is counterproductive too. So just go No Contact within yourself. Part of that is to stop thinking about your brother and to get on with your life. I know that seems easier said than done, but it is part of the healing process. Amber Ault wrote a book ( inexpensive on Amazon ) called the “ 5 Step exit plan “, which is a wonderful book to explain how to go step by step into living a full and happy life and how to leave toxic people behind. If you have further questions about what I have said, please post and I will respond.
Blessings

[Jan7]

ex·ploit
verb
gerund or present participle: exploiting
/ikˈsploit/
make full use of and derive benefit from (a resource).
“500 companies sprang up to exploit this new technology”

use (a situation or person) in an unfair or selfish way.
“the company was exploiting a legal loophole”
benefit unfairly from the work of (someone), typically by overworking or underpaying them.

You state:

He has lied to me, “gaslighted” me and admitted that he stole money from me once, but I don’t know if this is “exploiting.”

YES!! This is what sociopaths do!!

Steal

Use Gas lighting Abuse (YES this is a form of emotional & mental abuse!)

YES!! This is a sociopath exploiting YOU!!

Beware!!

The best thing you can do since it is your brother & you will be linked to him and most likely will see him at family gatherings is to use a combination of:

1) No contact rule
2) Grey Rock Method
3) Low contact rule

(do a search on all these terms here at LF & the net)

No contact is ZERO contact = cut this person out of your life (a little hard to do with a family member unless you cut the whole family off at family gatherings) – not a real way to live if your other family members are not disordered.

Grey Rock use at parties by sounding uninteresting by not sharing any personal info with him but, better to just fully avoid him at family gatherings

Low Contact rule…this rule is usually used for a victim who divorced a sociopath and has to deal with child custody issues just as when the children live between both homes. The none disordered parent keeps all contact with the sociopath very limited, emails only & in the emails only exchanges things like “you can pick the kids up at 4 pm on Saturday”. No personal info is exchanged by the none disordered individual to the sociopath, all emails are very brief & to the point. And if the sociopath starts to rant on and try to push the none disordered parent in the email, the none disordered parent just ignores the “button pushing” by the sociopath & simply does not respond.

So for you I would recommend that throughout the year you simple follow the No contact rule. Should you see him at a family gathering then you avoid him at all cost & if he makes attempts to chat with you just keep if very vague (gray rock) as to what you are doing in your life.

You state:

..”such as taking a pillow and holding it over my face when I a child as I lay on the couch. I couldn’t breathe and I was terrified. He tore the pillow away from my face, and as I yelled and cried he yelled “FAKER– FAKER!” at me…”

This is quite terrifying to read your comment, I can’t even imagine having to live that like you did and at such a young age. I’m sorry that you endured this nightmare. HIS MIND SET IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!! VOID this evil twisted mindset of a man!! Was he trying to kill you? who knows. But, what he was doing was trying to put FEAR into you & to have control over you. ALL sociopaths want power & control over others…one of the ways a sociopath accomplish control & power over others is to instill fear & phobias into their victims minds. He accomplished having control over you that day. Take your power back by following the no contact rule with him.

So scary that you dealt with this nightmare persons as a child.

You state:

“… I had taken 45 units of insulin the night before and I was “crashing”– my blood sugar had dropped dangerously low because I was taking too much and I was delirious. My brother, Dale, left me there. He didn’t call 911, he didn’t do anything to help. He left me in that condition and left the house to go to his apartment…”

One of the RED FLAG signs that you are dealing with a sociopath is when you are sick. A normal person will do everything to ensure you are safe…bring you food, call the doctor, take you to doctors appointment etc. But, a sociopath is disinterested in helping & gets joy out of you being sick & not helping you. When I was sick my ex h (a sociopath) would not even bring me water or check on me. It’s shocking how they will not even help a sick person. Another time I was choking at dinner & we had company over & his friends said are you going to help her & he said “she’s fine”..I was choking & luck got the food unstuck. I was just so shocked that he did nothing..but, his friends too. Crazy.

You state:

I guess I’m confused. I’d appreciate any advice.

When someone states they are “Confused”…this is the NUMBER 1 sign you are in a emotional & mentally abusive relationship with a sociopath!!

Do a search on LF for “Mary Ann Glenn” video where she discusses “confusion”…

EVERY VICTIM of a sociopath or disordered individual feels CONFUSED!! Everyone. Me included. One minute they seem to be “normal” and then the next they are doing terrifying abusive things towards their victims or simply not even caring for their well being.

I know he is your brother, but he is EXTREMELY DISORDERED. His brain is literally wired differently then yours. He will never change…what you see, is what you will always get.

YOU have a choice…to have an emotional & mentally abusive person in your life or not. Just because he is blood does not mean you should have him in your life. My advise is to go no contact as long as you can. And to let your family know what he has done to you that was extremely abusive. No doubt they have some of their own stories to share with you!!

YES!! Your brother IS exploiting you!!

You will survive without him in your life. You will see the more distance you have from him the more you will thrive. Find good solid friends to fill the void of family.

IF anyone is every using GAS LIGHTING ABUSE you kick them out of your life for good that minute. Gas lighting is a very dangerous mind game that literally will push a victim over their edge. The person that is doing the gas lighting is doing it for FUN to mess with someones mind & watch them go crazy to have power and control over them. Keep reading up on Gas lighting abuse. He is very dangerous to your mindset.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Jan7.

[g3ntlejen]

I’ll get back to you all soon regarding this issue with my brother. I need you all to be understanding and compassionate regarding this topic of no contact with my brother. You need to understand that what you are all asking me to do is CUT OFF A FAMILY MEMBER FOR LIFE. This is not an easy or pleasant thing to face to possibly have to do. Even if he has been abusive, this is still a DEATH– it’s the loss of a relationship that I will have to grieve, even if it IS for my benefit and protection. This is a difficult concept to come to terms with because I have been taught to value family above all. However, I’m not an idiot. As I hope you read in one of my replies above, I WILL NOT STAND FOR ABUSE– even if it’s from someone with which I came out of the same womb (no, we aren’t twins). I’m merely saying that cutting off a family member is a violation of my values, so to cut Dale off is go against something I have had ingrained in me since day one. I hope you understand. Thanks so much. I’ll post more about this soon. JLF

[polestar]

Hi g3ntlejen – in my post, and also in Jan7’s post we described alternative ways to go No Contact. I described Detached Contact is and Jan7 called it Low Contact rule ( she also described something called Grey Rock method which I will need to read about myself ). If you are not ready for total No Contact, then you could implement a Detached Contact and then you won’t feel so overwhelmed by cutting your brother totally off. By the way, we are really here to support you and we are very understanding, so know that we don’t want to push you into anything that you are not ready for. Detached Contact may work very well for you. Just be sure not to put yourself in any dangerous or compromising situations where you are alone with him. Be self protective because he does sound like he could be dangerous.
Blessings

[Jan7]

g2ntlejen, I’m so sorry that you are feeling the way you are after everyone posted (including my post). No one here would ever want to hurt you in any way. Love fraud is a very very safe place to vent.

SO glad that you posted again. I want to let you know that it takes time to process all that you learn here at love fraud to process that you are involved & being abused by a sociopath. I know it’s shocking to read everyone’s post. Especially when they are telling you something about a family member.

Processing everything that you read in the post or on LF does not happen over night. For me, I never wanted to date my ex h, never wanted to move in with him,never wanted to marry him. But, he keep pushing my boundaries to get what he wanted. I was miserable everyday with him. I wanted to break free from him when we were just friends. He would show up at my home unannounced. He would never call. He pressed me to date him. When we had fights they were not normal. A normal make up is that you both recognize that change needs to happen. My ex was all words. He got what he needed to do to change but, never actually did any changing OR what he said he would do to make the relationship work.

What he was really good at though, was spinning my head away quickly to forget the miss deeds that he did. It was everyday. All day mental games. All day lies & deception. Of course I saw most while he was at home. But, he was living a double life, so I could not see behind his wizard of oz curtain to see what he was really up to and how evil he truly was. My heal suffered. My body, mind & spirit saw right thru his mind games…my body & Mind wanted to escape him everyday…when I did not listen to my gut instinct my body just could not deal with the everyday craziness & chaos he created and my body & mind literally shut down by creating health issues such as “Adrenal fatigue” (look this up the symptoms list on the net and look up sites like Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue org).

The stress a sociopath creates PTSD in most victims. One of the biggest ways a sociopath creates PTSD in a victim is to create fear. Just like what your brother did to you. This is “Trauma Bonding” (do a search here on love fraud for this term to read articles Donna has written on this subject). It will explain why you are so bonded to your brother not just by blood but, also by trauma.

It is very difficult to leave a sociopath for many many reasons (Which donna writes about in her articles so keep reading). Another reason why you are bonded the sociopath in your life has created an addiction literally! Just like an eating addiction or drug or alcohol addiction. Being addicted to a sociopaths attention is very difficult to break. Sociopaths are cult leaders of the world.

Sociopath = Cult leader (your brother)

Victim = cult follower (you)

This is hard to wrap your mind around at first (for me to when I was first reading everything). It’s hard to believe that the person that you love & are bonded to & will do anything for, has control over your mind literally. This is what you have to break…the mind control & brain washing that he has you under.

It’s scary to leave a sociopath. Took me over 12 years to finally leave my ex h. I would daily tell myself “that’s it, Im done, Im divorcing him” I was sick of him He broke my spirit everyday I was around him. He has endless mistress & travelled on business. When he left I felt much better, but as soon has he returned I the stress was thru the roof…the mind games were off the chart. But trying to file for divorce & break my marriage vows seemed impossible.

I like you, am very loyal to family, friends, at the time my then husband. I believed in my vows..better for worse etc. But, I realized at the end that I needed to save my self and I needed to leave him for a better life. And that I did deserve a better life then what I was settling for. This is not an easy place to get to. Sociopaths target people that are good. They particularly target people that are loyal to them. And then the manipulate these people (like us) and literally brain wash & up us under the mind control so that we do not abandon them.

When I left I asked my counselor after she told me I was married to a psychopath…”was he brain washing me”. She immediacy said “YES!!” “That is exactly what he was doing to you!!”. I had no understanding of this what so ever except hearing it in movies etc. But, never read a book etc. But, I felt like I was under his spell. I felt like I was brain washed. My freedom of my mind no longer felt like it did prior to first meeting him. Even when we first met he quickly (I felt) took over my mind. It cant explain the feeling but, I know the exact time.

Do you know that sociopaths can brain wash (mind control) their victims?

Do you know that sociopath can use trace & hypnosis to control the minds of their victims?

SCARY!! Look up “Sociopaths trace & hypnosis victims” on the net. Take your time reading this. You dont want to get triggered. Only read what you can. You can always go back and read more later.

My advise to you hon, is just take your time. Keep reading here at Lovefraud this site truly is a god sent for everyone that has been entangled with an evil sociopath, keep asking questions too this is a major part of recovery. Ask people here just to be patient with you like you did in the post above. it’s a process to break your mind free. One day at a time, or somedays just one hour at a time or one minute at a time..

I would recommend that in addition to reading every thing here at love fraud you look up the National Domestic Violence website & read everything look up on their the “Power & control wheel”.

Sending you huge hugs hon. Take care. 💜💜💜

just wanted to add that it takes an average of 6-9 times for a victim of abuse to finally leave her abuser. So just take your time reading, venting here & asking questions.

We are here for you, we hear you & we believe you!! sending you huge hugs!!

Polestar has excellent advise. Emotionally Detaching when dealing with a sociopath is very important.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Jan7.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Jan7.

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