My brother’s wife has him fooled. She bullies me

[Synergy]

My brother’s wife was cruel to me for some 20 years. But 2 years ago, she started being nice to me, and I was very happy about this. But then a few weeks ago now, those two, and my boyfriend and I, decided to meet halfway between our communities, to visit. She was terrible to me at the lunch we had half way. My boyfriend noticed that she was “ignoring” you. This is a form of female bullying. Besides ignoring me throughout the get together, at one point my boyfriend and I, and the sister-in-law were sitting together. My boyfriend and I were on one side of the table and she was on the other side, facing him. Both of them art artists, and they were showing each other their art in their cell phones. I asked to see the woman’s art, and she ignored me. I asked her twice, and she didn’t even look at me when I talked to her.

I have written to my brother how much I love him. He wrote back and said that his wife is the “kindest, most empathetic person in the county.” Gee, she sure has him fooled. He asked me for more information,and I sent him some documentation about how she has been bullying me. He had said in his email that he would think about my request to talk to him on the phone without her being in the same room and listening to our conversation and participating in the conversation.

I feel very bad about this. I don’t know if my relationship with my brother will ever be normal again. If he refuses to talk to me one on one, I will simply write him off.

[Synergy]

I wrote to my brother today and said we could talk on the phone when his wife is not at home. She is gone a lot. I told him he’d need to tell me when she was gone, or going to be gone, so I could call him. Not practical for him to call me because I’m very hard to reach via telephone because I am very busy. I’m waiting to hear what he has to say about this idea.

[Synergy]

It’s much worse than I thought. Apparently, my brother told his horrible wife everything I had complained about. He ASKED me for details, and I gave them to him. Tonight he sent me two emails which were INFLUENCED by his wife. My brother has BECOME HIS WIFE. He is no longer a wise, intelligent, thinking human being. He is the pawn of his wife. She has completely turned him against me. I know that what he said in his emails are not from him; they are from him but influenced word for word from her. He said I am “delusional” and that I need to see my psychiatrist will put me “back in touch with reality.” I wrote back and said I was not delusional. He says I have an emotional disorder, which is causing me to falsely believe his wife is cruel to me. The facts are that she is even more cruel to my sister, has caused untold and uncounted problems for my sister, but my sister’s relationship with my brother is too important to her to back me up and tell my brother that I am rational and that his wife is a bully to both of us. My sister believes in “turning the other cheek,” and never solving problems, only letting the problems go on and on, and trying to ignore them. I can’t understand her point of view, but that’s the way she is. My sister and I are very close, and I can’t ask her to compromise her beliefs to speak in my behalf to my brother, who is OWNED BY HIS WIFE.

[emilie18]

Synergy – so sorry you are going through this – sounds like gaslighting at the worst level. Your brother has been brainwashed to believe his wife’s every word, despite the evidence, and fooled into seeing her version of every story. This might be a lost cause after 20 years. You may have to just avoid them and grey-wall her, as she is doing to you. You are not going to change her, and sadly, your brother is not going to believe you. My sister in law has caused me much angst over the years, but thankfully she lives across the country. Now that my brother is gone, she is reaching out to our family. We are all politely cautious. Sadly, she, too, influenced our brother to believe her version of things and made us all look like idiots, rubes and liars. Her type of bullying took the form of always knowing better. She was a snob, always bragging about brand name items, gourmet food, fine wines. Our family was very down to earth. Once I planned a family dinner when they were in town. I was taking care of my invalid father, so asked the whole family (3 other sibs and their spouses) to come over – bought a big spiral cut ham, prepared some side dishes, cleaned the house, got out the good china. The morning of the dinner my sister called to ask what time I was going to get Dad to the restaurant as she was going to be late. I was understandably confused. Apparently this sister in law had arbitrarily decided that all of us going out would be easier than coming over to Dad’s house – but she never once told me. I tried phoning them, but no one answered – found out later they were out wine tasting! Getting my father ready to go out was always an ordeal – he had to be showered, dressed, transferred to a wheelchair, then transferred in and out of the car. He could not stand for more than a few seconds, so this meant a lot of lifting. He hated being in public because he could not hear well and a stroke made him drool. I had to help him eat. No one greeted us at the restaurant parking lot, even after I called to say I was on my way, so I had to transfer him to the wheelchair and wheel him into a crowded, loud, busy restaurant – they had a table way at the back. I had to ask people to move so we could get through. The entire dinner no one talked to me or to Dad except my sister. Later when I expressed my dismay to my brother he just brushed it off. Said that “everyone agreed” this would be easier. Easier for whom, I wondered. She pulled stunts like this all the time – changing plans without asking. Once we all decided on a nice “thank you” gift for our parents when they had taken us on a trip. She offered to go out and get it, but she returned with something entirely different saying it was “classier”. My parents would have adored what we had chosen. I don’t think they even took her chosen gift out of the box. The only time I tried to explain to my brother what was happening he told me I was over-reacting and jealous, so I just let it go. Thank heavens I didn’t see them more than once or twice a year. She even tried to take over Dad’s funeral, but I put my foot firmly down with the support of my sister and other brother and we did it the way he would have wanted. She pouted the whole time and made snide remarks about the service, the food and the location (it was held on a riverboat as he loved the water). My way of dealing with this was to understand that my oldest brother was under her influence and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it other than avoid them as much as possible. Made me sad as I adored my brother. My sister, though, saw through it all and always had my back. I hope you can find a way past her bad behavior and make peace with the way things are.

[Author]

Posts