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I knew going back into the world of dating would not be easy, Especially after almost 9 years
of being in a relationship.The world has changed a lot. And I’m often still surprised that smoking is a huge deal breaker. I guess I’m a lone wolf there.
My latest adventure was with a guy 12 years older than me from czech republic.
Mr Czech seemed wonderful, we connected instantly on the phone, laughed, talked, and I really
loved his accent. BUT at the same time I could feel things moving way to fast, he wanted
to meet the next day, and said I was the girl of his dreams…..Hmm….. My red flags signals went up, and I decided to call him back and ask him that we put
off meeting for a week so we could both cool down.Me: “Hello Mr Czech, I’ve been thinking, I think we need to cancel our date tomorrow and put it back for a week so we both have a chance to breath.”
Him: “What??, Why have you changed your mind?”
Me: ” I just think we need to take things slower, that’s all.”
Him: ” No, meeting tomorrow will make us stronger!”
Me: “Okay, I will see you tomorrow.”
I had a very troubled night, I couldn’t sleep and felt my bi polar kicking in, so I took a seratonin pill to ease my chemical balance, and to help me think clearly.
I had to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe we could be meant for each other? Or maybe he was another scociapath. I had to find out either way.
I discovered he did not drive and was arriving my train, so I offered to pick him up at the train station.
The drive home was a lot of fun, and then we went to the supermarket because he was going to cook us a meal. (he is a chef) I actually felt very safe with him in the supermarket, this tall 6ft 2 inch bulk of a stern Czech felt nice to be with. He was playful, but also serious, and at one point, a man bumped into me and we both apologized, Mr Czech eyed him off. He was very aware
of everything.At one point Mr Czech grazed his arm down my back in a protectful manner, I felt very safe, but
also thrilled…(a polite term of well…. you know lol )Mr Czech also bought himself a bottle of wine that would compliment the meal. He chose a red, and he knew I didn’t drink.
So back into the car we went and headed back to my place. (I know some of you think I’m crazy for inviting men back to my place, but I’m a black belt in Karate, and know how to defend myself no matter what the size of the man. And I’m not exactly a petite woman, I stand at 5’9, 95kg and have very big bones….. no one has offered to take me on yet lol)
Dinner was wonderful, and we made love. (I have to be honest, I still had good feelings about him, so I let it happen)
After the bedroom, I went to the lounge room and had a cigarette. He frowned and then went on a rant about how much he hates cigarettes and how he couldnt understand how someone could put something so disgusting in their mouth. He used to be a smoker, so I was shocked.
I excused myself and went to the toilet, for some space, and some time to think.
When I came back I said.“Can we not talk about smoking? I am a smoker, and I found everything you said to be very
offensive. And you knew I was a smoker, I told you, and my profile also states I am.”“Sure, sure ” he said but I knew he wasnt happy.
Then the subject turned to some kind of show or something about backstage of a cremation, and
I couldnt stomache it. My father was cremated and it was just too close to home for me.
So I interrupted him.Me: “Mr Czech do we have to talk about cremation? My dad was cremated, and it’s painfull to think about.”
Him: “Look this is not about your father, this is about life and organs, and the human body.”
Me: ” I’ts too much for me.”
Him: “Can I say one more thing?”
Me: “Please dont”
He went on, or tried to go on, ignoring what I has asked. “Did you know that-”
Me. ‘Stop, please”
Him: That the ashes-”
Me. “Omg, please, stop”
Him: “can be made into a diamond…”
He continued anyway, and said his final piece. I felt really hurt, he didn’t seem to care that this subject affected me so deeply, despite me asking him to stop a few times.
My gut was turning, I didn’t like this guy anymore, it was like his true side was coming out.
Not long after that,we decided I would drive him back to his place. I didn’t want him to take the train, and it was the least I could do to replay such a wonderful meal. And at the same time I was getting rid of him. It needed to be done.
As we got near his place, he noticed the corner fish and chip store was open, he was VERY excited about this, and asked if I wanted fish and chips. I said yes, because by now, I was
getting rather hungry.During dinner, he never said a word to me, and I could feel his anger as we ate. I knew he
was upset because I smoked, but I wasn’t about to change my life around for a guy I just met.
So dinner was nothing but awkward and silent.After dinner he suddenly changed and said:
“Hey, let’s go get a bottle of wine and go back to my place.”
I forgot to mention he had completely drunk the first bottle he purchased earlier. He didnt act drunk though. (I should know…. from my past experiences with a alcoholic ex)
“Do you really have to get a bottle of wine?” I asked in a quiet way.
“No, I don’t” he replied, then remained silent for a moment, before then saying:
“You know, I am 56, I don’t change my life for anyone. I like a bottle of wine, I unwind, I think about life, it’s good for me. I am a good man, I have a good soul, I never hurt anyone…and if you don’t like that….. whatever.”
I will never forget the look it his eyes, I don’t know what they were saying to me, but all
I felt from them was hatred, almost beast like….it wasn’t nice at all. But I forced myself
to look into them, and face them, study them, try to read them, before he turned away.At this point, I decided we should just take him home. He agreed, and we rode silently, besides the fact that he was giving me directions back to his place.
then he suddenly looked at me with a big grin on his face and said
“You have no idea where you are going, do you?”I forced my biggest actors happy grin back and said “Nope”
Did he just get off on the fact that he was in charge and I was helpless?….I think so.
We eventually pulled up outside his place. Which was a rental.
“So,” He said “What is going to happen?”
“What are your thoughts?” I asked, because I wanted him to go first.
Then he told me that my smoking was just too much for him and that it was a deal breaker.
He said he had been trying all night, to think of ways to be with me, because he said I was beautiful
inside and out. But he couldn’t see it happening.THEN HE SAID
“Do you love me enough to give them up for me?”
To me, that comment was the confirmation….
Do I love him enough?………I just met the guy…. and he wants a declaration of love from me to just throw away my smokes…but he is allowed to drink all he likes…. pretty nice deal huh?
So, I replied that I was not comfortable with his drinking a whole bottle of wine, and
I asked him to be honest, and tell me if he was an alcoholic.He was silent for a moment and then said. “No, I am a chef, and if you don’t like it, well, I will not change for anybody….so goodluck.”
The story ends with me leaving, and him walking back to his rental without me.
I lit up a cigarette on the way home without my anti smoking Mr Czech, and I think that he was a sociapath. He had too many changes after he thought he had won me over, I think.
What are your thoughts?
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I think your instincts are right on…at the least he showed himself to be selfish, controlling and manipulative underneath the charm. Whether he is a sociopath or narcissist would take a few more dates to tell – but why take the chance? You sound like you are strong, independent and self-aware and you have a very clear moral compass guiding you. Your alarms went off for a good reason. Thank you for sharing your story — for those of us who have a hard time hearing our inner alarms, it really helps to read what that should sound like.
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Lithobid, I am with emilie18. He sounds completely disordered, no matter the exact description. He took you through the ENTIRE narcissistic playbook in one night. He moved too fast. He was charming. He exhibited ‘ownership’ of you in the grocery store (NOT protectiveness, OWNERSHIP). The first date was like that of a couple who had known each other for awhile. I am not judging you about the sex. BUT, do keep in mind that disordered men look for people who are willing to allow intimacy (cooking at your place, sex) right away. Non-disordered men do not ask complete strangers if they can cook dinner for them, at the strangers house, none the less. The whole CHEF thing might even be a complete lie. Then he started in with the devaluing, criticizing you, but letting you know HE was not going to change for anyone. Then he dumped you, but asked you to declare that you wanted to be with him.
Lovebomb, devalue, discard. Classic. You are totally right to stay away from this guy. He will be nothing but trouble and heartache.
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The book Getting to I Do by psychologist Pat Allen gives very helpful advise on dating if you want a good relationship. You might check it out.
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Lithobid,
I went through the same dating process that you are. I understood what to look for, and began to spot it before it got too awful. It was kind of empowering for me, and I found I didn’t need to ‘know’ any more than I already did. I could simply cut them off with no contact and congratulate myself for wising up.
Unfortunately one of the guys I cut off rather quickly (but slept with on the second date) ended up stalking me for nearly 5 years, so do be careful. He just would not go away. He wasn’t violent. But he left stuff on my front porch, and just made sure I knew he was ‘always’ going to be interested. It was just creepy.
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