My Horrible 2016

[helpneeded]

I’ve been looking for a place to share my story so I really hope that I’ve come to the right place. The past year has been weighing so heavy on me and it’s become harder and harder to talk to other people because I know even as much as they may try to they’ll just never understand. This story might seem a bit long but I’m just hoping to get some feedback from anyone who might have been in similar situation or at least for someone to tell me “you’ve come to the right place” because dealing with this on my own has been so emotionally and psychologically draining. I’ve used “legal” means to cope with this situation given that I live in the state of WA but this means conflicts with my religion and takes too much away from me and how I’d like to go about my life that it’s not a tool that I want to go back to as I prepare to go back after being away on the holiday break for 2.5 weeks. Once again, I apologize if this is lengthy but I urge you to read it in it’s entirety and offer any feedback that you think would be of help.

Ending of 2015, I met a guy at work. I had actually had my eye on him for a couple of weeks prior to our official meeting (Which was a pretty clever setup on his part) so as you can imagine I had already begun to fantasize what it would be like to be with him even before the first date. To give a little history about myself, I had never been in any kind of relationship with any guy prior to this (except a little stint in high school where this guy talked to me for months only to end up dating this other girl, who was a pretty good friend of mine, right around the time I wanted to make it official. As you can imagine, that stung a whole lot and I hated the both of them from that day pretty much up until the day we all graduated). Throughout college I had crushes here and there, some on guys I had never even said a single word to but I would fantasize what It would be like to date them and would always get so frustrated when I would never get to that.Pretty much ever since I turned 15 all I wanted was to have a boyfriend and to be in a relationship…have a romantic first kiss and all of that. I’ve had guys come on to me in between all of that but I’m the kind of person that unfortunately operates on initial physical attraction so once I found that I wasn’t attracted to them I’d just let the ship sink.

Back to the story…so here I was, 22 and completely unexperienced (in every sense of the word) about to go on a date with a very experienced privileged 26 year old caucasian guy ( I should add I’m black and white guys are my strong preference) with tattoos and ear piercings (a tongue ring too)…everything I know I shouldn’t go after but for some reason I just couldn’t help myself – it all just made him even more attractive. So we go out for dinner and talk and we have great conversation and we Netflix afterwards and the day after ( I should add he tried multiple times to kiss me) and I’m like this is great I really like him. The following day we text so more and it comes out that I’m saving myself for marriage and then he essentially tells me that it’s cool he still like me and I’m thinking wow have I found my self a keeper? As you’ve probably guessed I didn’t hear anything from him after that and by this point we were FB friends. These chain of events perfectly synced up with winter break so all I was thinking was what the hell happened? Why isn’t he saying anything? He was liking my pics from the holiday on facebook so I was just completely dumbfounded. When we got back from break we would run into each other at work, some encounters more awkward than others and so against the advice of many people I decided to ask him what the deal was. He basically told me that he’s a sexual person and me being celibate would be a problem. Everything pretty much went south from here. I found myself negotiating with him in terms of what I would be comfortable with even if I wasn’t comfortable going all the way. He seemed on board for the most part but little did I know that he was just seriously playing the hell out of me. All of a sudden he was telling me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship but more a friends with benefits and to cut the story short I told him I was cool with all of it as long as his always honest with me. I found myself giving in so many ways that I never thought I would…Friends with benefits is something I never thought I would do in a million years. I’ve always been the type of person who thought love and intimacy were not mutually exclusive but for some reason I through all my morals and beliefs out the window just to be with him in anyway that I could. I was so fed up with being alone and unexperienced that I was willing to take him in anyway he wanted.

Prior to our first intimate get together, he would make plans and then cancel them the day of, one being during valentine weekend. That hurt me so much that I went over to a friends place to smoke some pot (I’d never been a fan of it but that was sort of the beginning of me becoming reliant on it to get over the emotional trauma). I was so sure I was over him after two cancelled dates but then I decided to give him once last chance and he surprisingly came through. I went over to his place and we had dinner and fooled around and I was so glad that I finally had my first kiss. It was exciting and new and I wanted to do it again. That was the beginning of our FWB and some boundaries were crossed but none that I was too concerned with not crossing at the time. After 3/4 weeks which comprised of about 4 meetups I sensed him pulling a way so I asked him what the deal was. He told me that he started talking to this girl he was sorta once talking before me and he thinks there is something there and he wants to pursue that. I was so extremely hurt but I didn’t let him see it. I pretty much wished him luck with it and told myself that I’d be ok. I thought I was until I saw a picture on Instagram of him making plans to do things with her and actually getting outside. We had never really done anything normal beside getting dinner, watching TV and fooling around so that really crushed me. I turned to more weed; smoking by myself in my home for the first time to numb the pain. I remember calling my sisters and friend crying hysterically that I want to unfriend him on every social media outlet but thinking it would be so obvious that I’m hurt and then also remembering that we work at the same place so I decided not to. I was in so much emotional pain I didn’t know how to do anything more than stay in bed and smoke weed and cry. It was terrible! After a couple days of that I decided to get my life back together; go back to the gym, meal prep – essentially make myself feel better about myself. I convinced myself that she was a better match for him – they were both into sports (He loves sports so much I figured there was no way he could be with someone who didn’t share that with him). I convinced myself that I was simply not the person he was looking for and that was OK. But them after 4 weeks he hit me up talking about he missed me and all of that. I can’t say that I was all that surprised as he hinted that if it didn’t work out he’d come back if I was still available. But this is where I though he might be sincere, he told me that he decided to pursue a relationship with the other girl because I had hinted that I had no plans of staying at my job for long so he saw no point of getting attached. I still called BS on it – telling him that I know it was the no sex issue and that I still have no plans of going all the way. He basically told me that he’s gonna end it with the girl and hopefully I still consider hanging out with hime. When he finally ended it he then came back and told me that he wants to take some time to figure his shit out that he had messed up 3 relationships in the span of one year. Those 3 relationships wasn’t including our stint I should add. He was telling me that getting back with me immediately wouldn’t be fair to his ex and I just couldn’t believe he would have the audacity to tell me all that BS. He was talking about himself and all the shit he’s been through and but other girls through but failed to acknowledge the shit he put me through. I really should have realized at that point that I was dealing with someone who wasn’t normal but being naive I still just passed it off as typical fuckboy behavior.
I told him that if that were the case then we could just close our chapter but then he said I should please let him know if I change my mind. To me this was beyond absurd! But I guess this was a mind game tactic of his – making me believe that the ball was in my court when he was really still the one calling all the shots!

He managed to pull me back in again and we continued on with our FWB with the stipulation that he would let me know the moment he decides to deal with other people – all the while still holding on to the notion that he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone (essentially convincing me that the problem is him and not me). We crossed a few more sexual boundaries and then he told me that he can’t continue to see me exclusively. I told him cool and I guess were done but then he began to try and convince me that there was a way we could make it work. That he wants me to be his “main” girl and why does it matter if he has occasional side pieces. After a lot of back and forth I told him no but that if he wanted one last hurrah that we could. He said nothing and came back a couple days later and I fell back in once again even given the fact the he had indeed slept with someone.

I’m beginning that I could write novel if I continue this story in detail so let me cut the story short. We had a break again due to a religious observation of mine but we had plans to see what would happen after that but once again he told me that he found someone else he wanted to be in a “relationship” with. This time he told me that we’re very different- I’m very social he’s not and blah blah blah. Even when I thought I couldn’t feel any worse, I did and I went after weed even harder – smoking everyday, multiple times a day, finding excuses not to go into work – I just didn’t know how to cope. I couldn’t focus on anything and I hardly ate, I was loosing weight and gaining it back from munchies. My whole summer was a complete bust!

He came back again or rather I let him back in and this time he was seriously trying to convince me that an exclusive relationship was in the work. I wasn’t entertaining that much given everything that had happened but we did go all the way and then he dialed it back once again. He started telling me that he doesn’t really have feelings for me outside of strong physical chemistry and he’s not really thinking of me when were are not together – essentially trying to friend zone me. I was so over it at this point and this was the point that I realized that I was dealing with a narcopath. I came across a narcopath post that pretty much embodied everything that had happened to me.

There were a couple more hookups even after he ended things with the last girl. I started putting pieces of the puzzle together after realizing I wasn’t his only target. He would engage these other girls and dump them after 3-4 weeks but I kept thinking I was special because he would always come back to me. In fact he pointed it out that I was the only one he always comes back to. But this is how I know he’s crazy. At some point I stopped hiding how much he’d hurt me and my feelings but he would always look at me like I was the crazy person. Basically telling me after all this time you still think I want to be with you. For me I know the only reason I let him play me or come back is because I have no interest in being intimate with another person. Because had I known it would come to this I probably would have let him go along time ago. Now that everything has happened it’s easier to be with only one person even though the person is shitty because I know the next person needs to be vetted and I have no idea when that’ll be. I’ve lost so much self respect and that’s why I still hurt every now and then and turn to weed because it feels so good. I’m looking to find my way out of WA and that means I need to be clean but as I’m preparing to go back on Sunday I have a feeling I’m gonna do it again even though I’m 2 weeks clean. Please anyone help!!!!

[winterk]

I had a horrible 2016 as well. You are a smart, strong person. That’s why he picked you. He found your weakness and played you. You knew he was playing you at some point but you were already hooked. I did the same thing. They love to triangulate. To add another woman in the mix makes you want to be better. That’s how he was able to break your boundaries.

Focus on yourself. Do yoga. Meditate. Do not engage with him anymore. Most of what he told you were lies. Inside they are miserable, bored people. Their entertainment is messing with our feelings. Hurting us to the core. Please go no contact with him. Read Sandra Brown’s book, “Women who love sociopaths”. You will learn about yourself and why you were a target. It will help enlighten you so you can protect yourself from being a future target to these predators.
Take care of yourself. You are not alone.

[Author]

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