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I can explain what it was like to be in an intimate relationship to a psychopath – someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder. John was not officially diagnosed but boy does he fit the criteria. Don’t be fooled by the word antisocial as they are quite charismatic in their interactions with others, when in reality, it’s just a mask. I’ve also learned that psychopaths are part of the DSM’s cluster B disorders, which also encompasses Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They share very similar traits so you will probably see many common behaviours between the two.
It was a long term relationship that spanned a number of years. The psychopath walked out for an affair partner a few months into the marriage. However the affair started long before they walked out.
The whole relationship was one hell of a rollercoaster ride. It’s a bit long winded, but I’ve really tried to capture the depth of my ex’s deceit, which sometimes I feel it can’t even be put into words considering how bad it was.This is what I’ve experienced…
Psychopaths are infamous for having several potential targets on the go, simultaneously. It is also a certainty that they have been cheating on you with at least one of these targets while still in a relationship with you. This is known as ‘monkey branching’ or ‘overlapping’ – starting or maintaining a sexual relationship with others while claiming to be faithful to you – when the psychopath has the hidden intention of permanently discarding you, but not before extracting all they can from you before fleeing the scene.Psychopaths are highly promiscuous, serial cheaters and very commonly live a double life which is so masterfully crafted that it will be next to impossible for their targets to detect. Serial cheating begins very early on in their ‘relationship’ with you. The cheating encompasses old and new targets and individuals who they are simply using for sex, with no intention of securing them as targets in the interim. They will have reliable go-tos in their cheating circle while also engaging in illicit sex with other complete strangers who are simply looking for a hook-up. The psychopath may also engage in ‘partner poaching’ without remorse – the act of targeting a person who is already married or in a committed relationship with someone else.
The psychopath I was involved with was often away for work which gave him ample opportunity for out of town hook-ups. At home, the psychopath would pretend to go on “trips”, load up his pick-Up and be gone for a couple of days. But using this as a cover to cheat. He’d also tell me he was going to stay with his family who lived far away but instead he’d really be sneaking off to cheat and engage in his affairs.
At one point we broke up previously. During this time, the psychopath slept with a good friend of mine at the time and also slept with an extended family member. You can’t make this stuff up! It’s just completely outrageous. And you guessed it, no apologies for sleeping with my friend and not a bit of remorse for his actions and ruining my friendship. What kind of a person does this? I later learned that this is known as ‘triangulation’ – introducing other sex partners to induce jealousy.
I also work long hours. The psychopath would use this as another opportunity to carry on his double life, while cheating away, without an ounce of remorse, guilt or shame. This continued throughout the entire relationship for years which leads me to believe there were dozens and dozens of cheating incidents over the years with just as many different people.
He would also secretly gamble compulsively and had a horrendous addiction issues. He would use drugs daily. It was a total shit show! It’s like he had this compulsion to cheat, gamble and use drugs. He was always looking for a hit. It’s literally like he got off on duping me and pursuing illicit behaviours to satisfy his inner void.
You can give your psychopathic partner the sun and the moon and it will still never be enough, especially after the idealisation phase.
He would constantly shift the blame to me and not once could he ever apologise. If I’d bring up an issue of concern, it was my fault. He’d protest, then I’d end up apologising for making him upset for trying to bring up a legitimate relationship issue that needed to be discussed. It was nothing but mind games and manipulation.
During the devaluation and discard stage, he’d dish out brutal silent treatments which again was another abuse and manipulation tactic to keep me in check and not question his behaviour. When his first affair came to light, we agreed to try and reconcile, but little did I know that his definition of reconciliation was not what you or I think of. Not once did he apologise or show an ounce of remorse for his cheating, nor did he come clean to any of his deceit. I had no idea at this point how bad or the level of cheating and deception actually was. I later figured out that the only reason he came back was to soak me for more money. Then, I realised that he was having yet another affair (again!) while we were supposed to be reconciling! After I asked him to leave he pretty much immediately moved in to his new target’s home.
I lost the house that we lived in. It was brutal. My whole life got turned upside down. But again, not an ounce of remorse for any of this or for his betrayal. The scary thing is, if he had just pretended to treat me with a modicum of respect when he came back, I wouldn’t have known to break up. He just got so complacent and apparently didn’t feel the need or had the energy to keep his mask on any longer.
I couldn’t stand the toxicity that he brought into my life and for my own sanity, I had to end the relationship. It was only once I put distance between us, did I start to piece together the enormity of his lies and deception. It was all a fraud.
Then a couple weeks after we parted ways, he started demanding money from me that he wasn’t entitled to. It was nothing short of an extortion attempt.
I’m slowly coming to grips with the enormity of what happened and trying my best to move on from this nightmare.
To make matters worse, the psychopath will also have unprotected sex with others, thereby putting their main target’s health at risk, even when the psychopath is feigning exclusivity with them. Since the psychopath has no concern for their target’s health and well-being, they will potentially expose them to sexually transmitted diseases without a care in the world.
Psychopaths are experts at ‘love bombing’ their victims to distract them from their true nature – to game, abuse, cheat, lie and drain their victims of resources (housing, money, food, sex, etc.).
Psychopaths will also fast track the relationship with you, using this trick. Don’t be surprised when they suggest moving in to your home in short order. They will usually have some sort of fabricated sob story to move the relationship along, which will usually entail how hard done by they were by an ex, family or employment. This will invoke sympathy from their target who has already likely fallen head over heals for them due to their love bombing tactics. The psychopath’s intent is to usually move in with their target in this stage so that they have a home base to operate from between their whirlwind cheating, compulsive, predatory and exploitative behaviours. The target assumes that the psychopath has legitimate feelings of love and adoration for them, when in reality, the psychopath is simply taking advantage of them to obtain their hidden agenda. Again, this is to underhandedly obtain housing, food, sex and money at the expense of the target.
As a cherry on top, the psychopath may even try to marry you (like he did with me) and will quite likely be successful in this risky endeavour. Once the marriage to the psychopath goes up in flames as they inevitably all do, they will then be legally entitled to half your assets and will obtain them with great pleasure and without remorse. They are ruthless and without shame.
When the psychopath ends the relationship with you, it is a certainty that they have completely secured their next target and will engage in the aforementioned.
Should you end the relationship before they have a stable target in place, expect them to feign begging, pleading and apologising. They may also reach out to your friends and/or family in attempts to persuade them to get you back. If they are successful in getting you back, they will ramp up their efforts to secure their new target(s). Once this has been done, expect a sudden and brutal discard as punishment for your audacity at daring to leave them.
Psychopaths are parasitic and astonishingly manipulative. There is no winning in a relationship with a psychopath. The only solution is to get out and put as much distance from them as possible. Go no contact and only communicate with the psychopath through a lawyer until the break-up, separation or divorce process is finalised – then don’t look back, ever.Seek the support of family, friends and a good trauma therapist to help you unpack the nightmare that you experienced. A relationship with a psychopath will change you in ways you wouldn’t expect. You’ll experience shame, regret, confusion, anger, sadness, disgust, betrayal and incredulity just to name a few. The bewilderment and confusion the psychopath leaves in their wake will have you replaying the entire relationship in your mind, while you struggle to come to the realisation that the entire relationship was a complete fabrication based on the psychopath’s lies and deception in order to keep you on their hook. The sheer horror you will experience when you are able to fully comprehend the magnitude of the psychopath’s deception is something I can only describe as life altering. When the cognitive dissonance begins to settle as you reckon with the sheer depth of their deceit, you’ll slowly start to shed the feelings of hopelessness and guilt that somehow this was your fault (which is directly related to the psychopath’s gaslighting tactics which were unleashed on you throughout the relationship). That’s why it is very important to have supportive family and friends in place when the relationship does inevitably collapse.
Avoid looking at their social media as this will undoubtedly cause pain and anger since the psychopath moves on to a new target with lightening speed. This is their sadistic attempt at causing you further angst while also convincing the new target that they are “committed”. Again, it is assured that the psychopath deceptively started a sexual relationship with the new target while they were still in a relationship with you. It will be as if you never existed to them and they will be wearing a new mask for their next target, while mirroring the new target’s wants and desires. They are chameleons and employ outrageously manipulative tactics to gain the new target’s trust. Don’t fall for it. The psychopath has simply moved on and is applying their slimy, duplicitous trade to someone else who hasn’t caught on to them – yet. When the new target inevitably does catch on, the psychopath will try to inflict as much damage to the victim as possible in the form of gaslighting, emotional and financial abuse. These types of abuse tactics have already been employed throughout the relationship, however they become much more apparent as the eventual demise of the relationship approaches. Once this is achieved, they start the predatory cycle with someone new (or already have before the discard).
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I’m really sorry for your experience. That sounds like hell and I don’t think many women could survive what you have been through. This sounds a lot like my ex bf who is a sociopath. I always thought of psychopaths as killers. Any idea what the difference is between a psychopath and a sociopath?
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angel12034: You ask: “Any idea what the difference is between a psychopath and a sociopath?”
Both are defined as having “antisocial personality disorder” by professionals, but differ in intensity and focus. Both are incapable of empathy and compassion as defined by society. Many are superficially charming. Many, but not all, serial killers are psychopaths.
Found this interesting definition written by Marcia Purse and reviewed by a medical professional – might help you figure out the differences:
“Sociopath:
Make it clear they do not care how others feel
Behave in hot-headed and impulsive ways
Prone to fits of anger and rage
Recognize what they are doing but rationalize their behavior
Cannot maintain a regular work and family life
Can form emotional attachments, but it is difficultPsychopath:
Pretend to care
Display cold-hearted behavior
Fail to recognize other people’s distress
Have relationships that are shallow and fake
Maintain a normal life as a cover for criminal (or immoral) activity
Fail to form genuine emotional attachments
May love people in their own wayWhile psychopaths are classified as people with little or no conscience, sociopaths do have a limited, albeit weak, ability to feel empathy and remorse. Psychopaths can and do follow social conventions when it suits their needs. Sociopaths are more likely to fly off the handle and react violently whenever they’re confronted by the consequences of their actions.”
The whole article is here: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-sociopath-380184
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Thank you so much! My ex is definitely a sociopath. He’s hot headed and honestly too stubborn (or stupid) to follow social norms. It’s interesting that he can maintain a steady job but I think that’s only because of the money. I know every person with APD is different in their own way. I really appreciate you sharing this information with me!
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Thank you for writing out your experience. Interesting how all our experiences are so different, and yet bear so many of the hallmarks. I remember well the physical pain of being stonewalled and given the silent treatment. I’m glad you are away from the person now, and whilst the road to rebuilding is long, you will get there.
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Hi Love Defrauded this is very well written. Thank you so much for writing this up. Yes I experienced all of the same with my ex husband.
They all think they are so special but in reality they all use the same playbook. It is shameful and disgusting and yes severely damaging to their victims.
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Yes I agree with Emilie that sociopath and psychopath are both defined in clinical terms with the same disorder: antisocial personality disorder (ASPD).
ASPD is on a spectrum and sociopaths are not as bad as psychopaths. Psychopaths are truly completely cold blooded and completely evil. Sociopaths are hot blooded, hot headed, impulsive etc like Emilie said and just slightly less evil.
Many writings use the terms interchangeably though. And it does not really matter anyway because they both fall under ASPD. Basically a person with no moral integrity, who does not care about the rights or feelings of other people, who only cares about himself and what he can get away with. Without any regard for morals or the law or other people.
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Love Defrauded – thank you so much for sharing your story. You definitely encountered a classic psychopath – you’ve described all the traits and behaviors. And yes, once you start to come to grips with the magnitude of the deception, it is really shattering.
Recovery is possible, though. It does take time and it’s a bumpy ride, but recovery is definitely worth it. Keep going.
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Love Defrauded – What you need to understand about psychopaths is that they have no inner core. There is no sense of morality or loyalty, and they do not have the ability to love. Therefore, all of the affection and attention he lavished on you was an act. It had no substance. So when he moved on to the next person, all he had to do was change the act.
Although psychopaths have no core themselves, they are very good at reading what their targets are about, and they are capable of delivering what they believe the targets need. In your case, you needed time to get to know him, so the psychopath provided that. Apparently the new person doesn’t need that and was willing to move along quickly. So that’s what the psychopath did.
Again, what you are describing is typical of psychopaths. I don’t think you should doubt whether he is disordered. He is.
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