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I have known this man for 15 years and always felt we had a a connection. We dated and then I went no contact. He was always there over all the years. Always available to listen. I thought he was my friend. He told me I was the love of his life, that he had spent years comparing all others to me. I went back with him. We talked about having a baby. He said we would roll the dice. I found out I was pregnant on Mother’s Day this year. He told me he couldn’t have anything to do with it. I would have to raise the baby alone or he would pay for an abortion. I was scared and destroyed. I begged him for weeks to change his mind. He comforted me and wouldn’t leave me alone. In my weakness I accepted his “love” and tried to heal. We continued our relationship. He always said he liked his time alone and would often spend Friday’s winding down by himself at home. It seemed weird but I trusted him. I found out last weekend he has had a girlfriend of 10 years who lives 2 hours away. My entire relationship with him has been a lie. I can’t stop my head from spinning. I am destroyed and there really aren’t words to describe the anguish. He is still acting like he loves me. I know he is a narcissist and I am addicted. I need help to break free. My heart hurts. I don’t know how to block him. My mind never stops thinking of what he is Doing and who he is with. I need to get healthy. Please help me.
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aimejs55 – I am so sorry for what happened to you. It is heartbreaking and devastating to realize that everything was a betrayal. This is especially difficult because you conceived a child with this man, and he made you get an abortion.
All of this has the effect of traumatizing you, which, shockingly, makes you more attached to him. Please recognize that what you are feeling is a trauma reaction. It is totally understandable, even though he was the cause of your pain. That’s how trauma reactions work.
You need to get away from him. It is very difficult, because everything that has happened actually makes the trauma bond that you feel stronger. But please put your recovery first. Realize that he has lied to you the entire time, that he will never be what you want and deserve. Find the strength to put him out of your life.
It is time to choose yourself.
Yes, you will grieve. But please grieve without going back to him.
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I’m so sorry Amie. Hope you find the strength to choose health and peace and stay away from him.
I’m still struggling with my own trauma bond to my ex but here are things that helped me:
– no contact with ex in any way
– not looking him up online or asking about him or any indirect contact at all
– spending time with new people who don’t know him (not dating but just socializing)
– counseling (but you have to find a counselor who understands emotional abuse and trauma bonding)
– self help reading online (Lovefraud and other sites, there is a lot of really good material online and you will find that lots of other people have struggled with the same toxic dynamic)
– exercise and getting fit and physically healthy
– new hobbies and self care (focus on YOU, YOUR goals, activities that YOU enjoy)
– spending time with friends and family who genuinely love you and care about your wellbeing
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Amie yes I believe emotional abusers know they are doing it. They intentionally lie and manipulate. It is a choice and it is cruel.
Emotional abuse is more insidious than physical abuse because physical abuse is clear. When a man hits you, you know when it happens.
When a man manipulates you, you will only realize it much later. Emotional abuse and manipulation causes a brain fog that is really hard to get out of. Same way cult victims get drawn into the manipulation and sometimes only years later realize how they were manipulated and how they did not realize it at the time. It is an evil and cruel thing to do to someone.
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I am so so sorry you have gone through this. I get how hard it is to feel Luke your relationship was a lie and Like you do not know someone you love. Remember he is sick and you do not deserve this. Healing takes time. Be kind to yourself and try to keep your distance from him and anyone associated with him. I have been reading Like crazy and posted a list of resources today. I like reading because when I start to worry about was it me or will they change for the other woman or question myself in anyway learning about their disorders confirm that it’s not me and I’m better off and they will never change. I’m not sure if emotional abusers really know or care what damage they are doing. I learned to not focus on the whys and just to try to go inward and take care of me. You will get better, hang in there. big hug!
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It’s very difficult and heart breaking to realize everything the narcissist brought to the relationship was a lie, especially when everything we feel is real. There is something my friend offered that has helped me through my fog and my decision to leave my relationship with my N. My friend said, “ he is unstable, he raises you up then let’s you down and he has proven he cannot move the relationship forward.” I go back and read her words of wisdom often and it helps me see the reality of everything. Continue being good to yourself and allow yourself some grace …….everything worth fighting for takes time and hard work!
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Lady yes I believe emotional abusers do know what damage they are doing. And even worse, they enjoy the damage they are doing. They are sadistic.
I believe my ex enjoyed seeing me suffer and seeing me struggle to try to understand and reconcile the lies he was telling me. They enjoy being in a superior position of power and messing with your mind. They enjoy the abuse.
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Funluv yes in the beginning when you are just starting to figure out the truth for the first time, it is so confusing whether to understand the relationship as real or fake.
I believe ultimately the best way to understand it is that it was both. It was real on your part. You were genuinely in love with him and trusted him. And it was fake on his part. He did not love you and he was lying and manipulating you.
It was a con and that is the best way to understand it. Same as financial cons where a con man portrays himself as knowledgeable and trustworthy and gives false promises of big profits in the future. So you trust him and give him your money. But he steals it and leaves you with nothing.
A love con is the same but instead of money you give him your love and attention and time. And sometimes money as well. And he just uses you for it until you are used up and depleted. Then he will discard you and move on to the next target.
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Yes, sept4 it is like being conned by a financial con, yet with the financial con what is lost or stolen from you is money not emotions. Oh sure there is the rage, but the emotions with an N are much more deeply embedded in your heart and much harder to resolve. Money can be replaced, but it takes longer for your heart to heal. Thankfully, my N did not scam any money from me. He tried once asking for my help, yet when it came to money that is where I’m not a sucker for that kind of thing and told him a man should not ask a woman for money. I’m not as steadfast when it comes to my heart and that is where the healing takes much longer. I try not to beat myself up for the wasted amount of time instead trying to view it as a lesson well learned. As I’ve said in my other posts the one thing that keeps me strong is knowing it was my decision to end things and when he insisted he does not take no for an answer I let him know in no uncertain terms “this time it was not his decision.” Amen to that!
I find strength as I post and receive responses, yet this is one club I sometimes wish I didn’t have to belong to. It never ceases to amaze me how all of our N’s could be the same person – they are textbook and behave in much the same ways. Their brains would be an interesting experiment to dissect. Thanks again for your support! -
Funluv yes a broken and abused heart is much harder to heal than monetary damage. I wish you good luck and strength in your journey of healing. You will come out of this stronger and wiser.
Yes they could all be the same person! It’s the same playbook every time. During my breakup my ex told me I was so lucky to have him and that he is an extraordinary person and that I will never find another person like him. Well I didn’t understand it at the time but it would have been very easy to find another person like him – simply date another sociopath because they are all the same!
Thankfully I was one and done and I know the signs now so they can’t get me again. Next time an extremely charming and charismatic Mr Handsome Liar comes at me with the love bombs I’ll know to swerve him. Nice try sociopath society but you can’t fool me twice.
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Sept4…….I have to laugh when you mentioned how your ex told you that you would never find anyone as amazing as he was because the similarity to what my ex said is textbook.
My ex used to always say “no one comes better than blank blank” (his name). If I shared any information regarding my previous relationships my ex would tell me “they weren’t real men” like supposedly he thought he was. It is now so laughable and yet they take themselves so seriously and think so highly of themselves. They’re delusional.My ex used to also tell me he was a man of his word and he made things happen. In my reflections that all equated to zero actions. Over the course of 7 years, and granted it was a long distance relationship, I may have received maybe at best 5 or so cards …….a couple of Christmas cards, one Valentine card in the very early stages to impress me I’m sure and one birthday card. That’s it! In the meantime I sent him care packages baking cookies, etc. sent tons of cards and letters, sent him some COVID masks to ensure his safety……blah, blah, blah. In the end when I knew I had to end it I sent him a t-shirt from the place we met at with a card saying “just a little something to remember me by.” He seemed confused wondering what I meant by that and he soon found out when I ended it with him. Of course in my head I’m thinking it will tug at his heart every time he looks at it, yet reality tells me he has no heart like normal people do. Oh well, it was my way of following through with the finality of it all.
So I do have a question for those of you that post and use this as a vehicle to vent your feelings like me…….does it make you feel better or does it continuously remind you of your ex? Sometimes I feel by posting I’m giving him way more attention than he deserves. Thoughts anyone?
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Funluv yes I do think posting here continues the preoccupation with our exes. It means we are not over them.
I think when we eventually find true peace and really accept what happened and truly let go of them, that we would lose interest in posting as well.
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Great feedback sept4! I agree- sometimes I feel the more I talk about my ex, the more I post about my ex, the more it stirs up all the old memories even though I’m speaking of him in a way that is more negative than positive. I think it resembles the 5 stages of grief with acceptance and finding peace the last to come.
Don’t get me wrong, this site is a very valuable avenue to explore. It helps knowing we are not alone, isolated or crazy, yet stirring up the old memories could tend to weaken us just when we think we are very strong. Please know I so appreciate all of your comments and support!
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I post here when I don’t mind thinking about my crazy sociopath dead ex-h. I believe it was Donna Andersen who suggested taking a maximum of an hour a day, if needed, to get your anger out at this no good rat. Do pleasant activities with the rest of your free time.
I have many weeks where I don’t think about it. I have a few hours once in a while when I feel angry at all the nasty stuff he pulled on me. I think it’s natural to feel this way even after many years considering the injustice of it all. It doesn’t wreck my day and I move on.
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