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My sister-in-law is a manipulative, cruel bully. On the other hand, she can be an angel to who she wants on her side: namely my late mother and my brother, her husband. She has been cruel to me and my sister for many years; for the past two years we got along, at least I thought we did, but they last week we met with my boyfriend, myself, my brother and his awful wife. She was very cruel to me. I brought up the topic of the vest I knitter for her years ago. It was mohair, and her favorite colors of purples. I mailed it to her (we live hundreds of miles apart) and(1) She didn’t mention it. (2) She didn’t thank me for it. (3) I asked her to send me a picture of herself wearing it; she didn’t do that; (4) I asked her to wear it the next time she came with my brother to visit us. She didn’t do that. That was about 20 years ago. Then last week, we met my brother and his wife half way between where we live so we could visit over lunch at a restaurant. She said I never knitted her a sweater (i.e. vest). She said I knitted a sweater for my brother. I said I knitted her a vest, and didn’t knit a sweater for my brother, I knitted him a neckscarf. A while later, she was showing some photos of her art to my boyfriend, who is also an artist. I was sitting across from her, next to my boyfriend. I asked if she’d show me her art and she didn’t. She is a female bully. I was so upset that I’ve been upset for a whole week over all this. My boyfriend noticed right away that she was ignoring me; he told me that. I have a therapist; I wrote a short, 4 paragraph post to my brother that I read to my boyfriend and my therapist, and they both said it was very good, kind, and fair. So I decided to read it to him over the phone last Thursday afternoon. I called him Wednesday evening and briefly asked him if we could set up a telephone call Thursday afternoon between 2 and 3, without his wife, just him and me. He said, “If she’s not there, then NEITHER AM I.” I replied, “She is very cruel to me. Good bye.” So now my brother is gone from my life.
As for my real sister, she is a coward. The sister-in-law has been ruining her life for decades. She gossips about my sister and spreads false rumors about her, plus some private information to MANY members of my sister’s extended family. My sister has never defended herself, never explained the truth to anyone. Yesterday I asked my sister if she had ever told my brother that he wife is cruel to her, and she said, “No.” That because she believes that “if someone is mean to you, if you are loving and kind to them, they will eventually come around and be nice to you.” Well, I guess she believes in magic. I think my sister and I may be at odds now, too. She says she and I approach life differently and we need to accept each other’s differences. I cannot accept my sister’s cowardice. I fear I may have no family at all now. I emailed my sister that I’d like to go to therapy with her again, because she and I are having a dispute. But I think she won’t go to therapy about this issue.
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Synergy – I am so sorry for your experience. I’ve spoken with many people who struggle with disordered siblings and in-laws, and they tell stories that are similar to yours.
Regarding your sister-in-law — she is a lost cause. She will always be cruel and dismissive. That’s what she is. There’s nothing you can say to her or your brother that will change her behavior. I recommend that you lower your expectations of her to zero.
Regarding your brother — he’s in the cult of your sister-in-law. She’s got him brainwashed. He may very well understand that she has issues, but may feel trapped. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. She may treat him very badly in private, but you’ll never see that, and he’ll never admit it. It may be possible to have a superficial relationship with your brother, if you are content with talking about nothing but the weather. You’ll have to decide.
About your sister – you may just need to agree to disagree. If she is the only family you have left, then the relationship is probably worth preserving. If she is not willing to stand up to the sister-in-law, it’s probably best to recognize that it’s her problem, not yours. All you can do is protect yourself.
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