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I will attempt to keep my story brief, even though I know my husband is a text book case of narcissism, I still believe he loves me and will one day recognize his abusive behavior and change. We have been married 7 years, currently separated for the past 2. Although separated, other than the monthly silent stand off’s we’ve maintained our relationship, but doesn’t feel much like marriage at all. It feels more like he has property papers or ownership of over me. While being separated I lost my job and career last year as result of the effects of his abuse on my physical and mental health. Thus leaving me and my 2kids from previous marriage,( they used to call and consider him Dad, until he cut out their relationship) without any income. Prior to my unemployment, my husband took a job 2 hours away to be closer to his kids. That being the boundary and primary cause of our separation, I could not get him to compromise and wait one year for my son to finish high school before moving. Anyway, it has been extremely difficult finding work out of my field, and I am reminded frequently how I have failed him and caused all our troubles. He has never allowed me access to any bank accounts or even informed me of any financial information. He’s so inconsistent with his help to make ends meet, he’s even used it to punish me by buying him and the kids something to eat while I had nothing. He’s accused me of manipulating people to get help, if it weren’t for my mother and yes my counselor and his wife (was our marriage counselor) we would be in a homeless shelter but I’d still be his wife! Most recently I told him I had had enough, when I was in need of a mouth biopsy and have been rapidly losing my teeth, he paid 700$ for a single crown, prior to that he had lasik eye surgery, which is an expensive elective procedure. I msgd him today, out of kindness and missing him and he proceeded to attack me with blame and accusations, as if he has not heard a word I’ve been trying to communicate to him! My biggest question is, is he really that blind and ignorant to his hurtful behavior?!? I’m constantly in an ambivalent state trying to figure out what to do differently. I’m completely isolated, my family and friends can’t continue to support me for him to claim me as his wife and hurt me. And I understand that. It’s just hard to believe he knows what he is doing! Any and all support would mean a great deal to me. Thanks in advance!
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xnurse2018 – I am so sorry for what you are enduring. I am afraid that your husband is engaging in sociopathic behavior. He is controlling and cruel. My guess is also that he has another relationship, which is why he moved “to be closer to his kids.”
Here’s what you need to understand:
1. He knows exactly what he is doing. He knows he is hurting you. He just doesn’t care.
2. His objective is control – that’s why he doesn’t tell you what is going on with the money.
3. He is not going to wake up one morning and realize how poorly he had been treating you. He will never change.
I recommend that you take steps to end the relationship. I also posted a story today about services for displaced homemakers – even if you were previously working, I think you would qualify. Look up the agencies where you live.
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Hi Exnurse2018, sending you huge hugs!! ???
My heart aches for you reading your post. You should be so proud of yourself for having the courage to not only research his horrible behavior but also for finding your way to Lovefraud & posting your story. (btw there are no short stories when dealing with a narcissist or sociopath narcissist). You have just take a huge leap out of this nightmare of a marriage by researching & posting here at Lovefraud. Give yourself a high five!!!!!
What you are dealing with is NOT a “marriage”…he is controlling you even though you are living apart. Like Donna states he most likely has someone on the “side”.
You state:
” It feels more like he has property papers or ownership of over me.”
THIS IS HOW EVERY VICTIM OF A SOCIOPATH FEELS!! Your gut instincts are correct. I felt like I had a bird cage over my mind. He controlled every thought of mine, he controlled who I talked to, where I went, what I did etc. Even though you live on your own = he still is controlling you = you are in a abusive marriage!!
We (vicitms) become submissive to a sociopath. They know how to manipulated us so much with mind games that our relationship turns into a parent child type relationship. Meaning they control us and we out of fear of being killed, or left allow them to control us. That is until you break your mind free of their control & the addiction they have created in us that we need them just like food, or alcohol or drug addiction. Donna has articles on this “addiction”. Just do a search at the top of LF.
Do you know you are being abused?
It is very common for a vicim of abuse to suffer from PTSD. I think you are suffering from PTSD. The fact that you lost your job because of the stress he was inflecting on you leads me to believe you suffer from PTSD.
First things first. Get your HEALTH in order!!
Find a good Endocrinologist doctor to test you for vitamin & mineral deficiency, hormonal imbalance, thyroid issues, normal blood work etc.
I believe the root issue for PTSD is Adrenal Fatigue. Do a search on the symptoms of Adrenal fatigue. It’s a long list. On another support site the site creator ask if anyone suffered from health issue while with their narcissist. Over 400 people responded with YES!! And then listed their symptoms. The bulk of everyones symptoms were symptoms of Adrenal fatigue.
Stress is a killer… you are under a tremendous amount of stress & have been because of this abusive sociopath. This stress effects your Adrenal Glands. The Adrenal glands regulate your blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels, and over 50 hormones. When your adrenal glands work over time due to stress (i.e. toxic relationship, work stress, not eating properly, drinking, doing drugs, all etc) the adrenal glands will fatigue. And in return wreak havoc on our body, mind & spirit.
The good news is you can heal your adrenal glands within 6 months to 2 years (depending on the length of time your adrenal glands have been fatigue) with a healthy diet, plenty of sleep, rest & relaxation, possible NATURAL hormonal balancing and vitamins & minerals.
Look at sites like Drlam. com & Adrenal fatigue. org for symptoms and watch their video. They also have books your local library may have books on adrenal fatigue.
Google:
“Dr Fuhrman Eat to live PBS you tube”
“Super Juice me documentary you tube”
“Dr AMen depression you tube”
“Dr Amen PBS you tube”
(consult a doctor before making any changes to your diet or health regiment).
(Dr Fuhrman & Dr Amen both have books your local library may have them as they are both NY Times best sellers authors).
Some symptoms of adrenal fatigue include Anxiety, depression, mood swings, sleep issues, etc etc…it’s a long list.
Just take one day at a time hon, that’s it and when one day at a time is too much…one hours or even just one minute. It it becomes so overwhelming just put your hand on your heart and just breath. Go back to the basics & just feel your breath.
I’m sorry you are enduring this nightmare of a man. Glad that your gut is strong and it sees the truth, you just have to believe your gut is telling you the truth vs his words that are messing up your mind.
Google: Oprah Gavin Debecker You tube” and watch their interview about always listening to your gut instinct. A sociopath will make you depended on them and this will lead to not listening to your built in gut alarm…right now your gut alarm is BLARRING to get this abusive man out of your life for good!!!
SENDING YOU HUGE HUGS TONIGHT!! ????
Wishing you all the best!! Keep posting here even if you just have to vent things out…dont worry about how long your post is just type away. We have all been where you are & there are no short stories when dealing with a sociopath.
Once you get your health back in order you will be able to think clearly & feel well to see the light out of this abusive relationship.
Take care! ??
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Dr Lam. com Adrenal fatigue symptoms list:
Characteristic Symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue
Unable to fall asleep despite being tired
Waking up in the middle of the night for no reason
Heart palpitations at night or when stressed
Consistently low blood pressure
Low libido and lack of sex drive
Low thyroid function, often despite thyroid medications
Feeling of hypoglycemia though laboratory values are normal
Depression, often unresolved after anti-depressants
Endometriosis
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Uterine fibroids
Fibrocystic breast disease
Hair falling off for no reason
Irritable under stress
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Feeling “wired” and unable to relax
Feeling of adrenaline rushes in the body
Foggy thinking
Inability to handle stress
Waking up feeling tired in the morning even after a full night’s sleep
Feeling tired in the afternoon between 3:00 and 5:00 pm
Inability to take in simple carbohydrates
Needing coffee to get going in the morning and throughout the day
Coffee, tea or energy drinks triggering adrenaline rush and adrenal crashes
Feeling tired between 9:00 and 10:00 PM, but still finding it hard to go to bed
Craving for fatty food and food high in protein
Craving for salty food such as potato chips
Dry skin more than usual
Unexplained hair loss that is diffuse
Exercise helps first, but then makes fatigue worse
Chemical sensitivities to paint, fingernail polish, plastics
Electromagnetic force sensitivity, including cell phone and computer monitors
Delayed food sensitivities, especially to dairy and gluten
Unable to get pregnant, requiring IVF
Post partum fatigue and depression
Recurrent miscarriages during first trimester
Abdominal fat accumulation for no apparent reason
Temperature intolerance, especially to heat or sunlight
Dysmenorrhea advancing to amenorrhea
Premature Menopause
Constipation for no apparent reason
Joint pain of unknown origin
Muscle mass loss
Muscle pain of unknown reason
Cold hands and feet
Premature aging skin
Inability to concentrate or focus
Psoriasis of no known reason
Gastritis despite normal gastroscopy
Low back pain with no history of trauma and normal examination
Dizziness for no known cause
Fructose mal-absorption
Chronic Tinnitus (ringing in the ear)
Numbness and tingling in extremities bilaterally
Recurrent mouth sores
Shortness of breath even though breathing is fine
Presence of ovarian cyst
Cancer as a result of estrogen dominance is one of the symptoms of Adrenal FatigueBreast cancer associated with estrogen dominance
Grave’s disease
Hashimoto’s thyroiditis
Legs that feel heavy at times
Dark circles under eyes that do not go away with rest
Loss of healthy facial skin tone color
Body feeling tense all over and unable to relax
Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia
Irritable Bowl Syndrome, with more constipation than diarrhea
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome unimproved with medicine
Fibromyalgia unresolved after conventional help
Systemic Candida that gets worse when under stress
Electrolyte imbalance despite normal laboratory values
Irregular menstrual cycle that “stops and goes”
Lyme Disease but unable to fully recover after medication or intolerance to drugs
H. Pylori infection in the past and was told resolved but never feel the same since
Heavy metal and mineral toxicity may mimic Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome -
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Xnurse2018, You’re so welcome! Donna as ways has given you excellent advise. We have all been where you are now. And one of the greatest steps out of the abusive relationship is to have someone to hear what we are going thru with a sociopath.
I want you to know WE HEAR YOU & WE BELIEVE YOU!???
You state:
“So he broke the silence today to tell me how much I’ve hurt him and how despicable of person I am, and I have sucked the life out of him, etc, etc.”
What do sociopaths ultimately want?
POWER & CONTROL OVER YOU.
His words are to mentally control you, to break you down so he has more control over you, his words are to prevent you from leaving him.
YOU ARE NOT WHAT HE SAYS OF YOU!!
Please know that sociopaths target kind hearted, loving, respectful, hardworking people. THIS IS WHO YOU ARE HON!! Know this!! Ignore his lying words!! Remember sociopaths are pathological liars (google search on lovefruad). his words about you are lies!!
He is using narcissistic projection (google & search on LF) when he says that you have sucked the life out of him. IT is the other way around, he is like a vampire sucking the life out of your & destroying your health in the process with all the stress, emotional, mental & verbal abuse he is inflicting on you.
I’m sorry that you are struggling financially also. Please know there are food banks that can help. I know it might be embarrassing to go to one but once you do you will realize that EVERYONE struggles financially at one time or another & this is the very reason why these food banks exist.
Know that your husband is financially controlling you to control you from leaving him. He wants, like all sociatpohs, for you to be depended on him emotionally, mentally & physically. My ex husband did the same thing towards the end of our marriage because he did not want me to leave him. Guess what I gathered $300 and left him. Drove 3000 away from him. He was shocked but he had pushed me to my breaking point.
YOU ARE NOT DEPENDED ON HIM…YOU ARE STRONG HON…YOU ARE STRONGER THEN YOU KNOW.
It’s time to reach out for government financial assistance, the food bank, food stamps, via your local abuse center. you can call your national domestic abuse hotline USA 899-799-SAFE to get local abuse center numbers.
PLEASE KNOW YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE STEPS WITHOUT HELP. There is so much help for woman in abusive marriages by women that have been abused also and had the strength to not only leave their abuser but to help others like you & me. No need to re invent the wheel. These wonderful angles have made it easier for us.
I went to my local abuse center when I left my ex h. It was embarrassing when I sat in the parking lot thinking to myself “how did I get here”…but there I was but I can tell you from my own experience walking into that center was life changing for me & every vicim that walks in.
Please also know that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she is about to leave or leave a abusive relationship. So get help from your local abuse center with an EXIT PLAN & SAFETY PLAN (google) out.
Be sure to clear your computer history each time you search for you safety.
HUGS TO YOU!! WE ARE HERE FOR YOU SO KEEP POSTING & VENTING AND READIGN EVERYTHING DONNA HAS POSTED.
Also watch her videos up at the top and read the YELLOW box on the home page & her book.
Take care???
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as jan says, you are not what he says of you. this is important to remember.
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xnurse,
Ahhh, he laid his cards on the table. What do I mean by this? Basically, that everything he told you about YOU, is really him talking (again!) about himself. He told you hhow much HE has hurt YOU and how despicable of person HE is, and I HE has sucked the life out of YOU.
This is called ‘projection’. The personality disordered person tells you things about yourself that are in fact about them. Like, that you cheated. They are having an affair. That you lied. They are lying. That you are manipulative. They are the plotters and destroyers.
But in our despair and anxiety we believe that what they are telling us is true, and THEN we feel the SHAME they should be feeling about their own behavior.
Please get away from him. Forever. It is truly the only hope you will have of regaining your sanity and safety.
Slim
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keep posting.
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