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A little bit about ourselves. Married 8 years, known each other for 12. 3 kids. We are both very attractive. We had a whirlwind romance. Sometime after our twins were born I the husband made the decision to stay home rather than work and have daycare raise our kids. We. Other maxed the same money but her insurance and top out pay was much better than my chosen field. Over the years we had are ups and downs. There was always some sort of lying going on. We were very sexual with ourselves. We swung together and had numerous 3somes and 4somes. We had an incredible sex life. We have moved for her job so many many times. That’s fine I dont resent that. I’ve caught her numerous lies about money, gambling and unfortunately infidelity. I’ve recently changed my life around. Stopped drinking and lost 25lbs in 2 months. My thoughts are clearer than ever before. I confronted her about the cheating. She admitted to one time. After digging thru her phone I found all the other times she has cheated on me. I.confronted her with all the evidence and she finally broke. She copped up to all of it. She hates herself but is conflicted. She is very successful and somebody who’s in charge of a lot with her career. If home life is so hard for her and her career is great she must feel a great sense of loss. It should be stated she xoesnt feel guilty whatsoever. Not to be cruel just she doesnt feel bad about it. She knows she is a liar. She admits it fully. She has lied about things since she was 12 . Making up stories of abuse and physically breaking a candle over head to prove the abuse.. she is a sick sick person. My thoughts are this. She is a sociopath. She knows it. I am obliged to love her as she is. Unconditional love. She is such a basket case and I have always known this. Someone must have to love her and it was always meant to be me. We tried talking about the infidelity’s many times and each time she tells me a little more. Frequency etc… she continues to lie and I catch her confront her then repeat. She is what’s known as a liar liar. Someone who lies for any reason ever. Save face, protect, manipulate. I have asked her to stop the lies. I told her flat out dont ever lie to me again. Yesterday she did something inexplicable. She told me something about money. I believed her. Then she said I’m sorry I just lied. I took an extra hundred out so I could go gamble. She said i dont know why i just lied but i did. I said it was okay and this week she could go gamble if she wanted. She said no. It’s stupid and selfish. The kids need shoes. Haircuts etc… I was shocked. She had never done this before. It’s so hard for her to be around me. She compartmentalized everything so well. She is afraid she will fuck up once again and now that I have laid down red lines she is really afraid. She doesnt 3njoy being a mother. She nearly hates it. A divorce for us would be 80 20 split or 100 to the father. She would do the right thing parenting wise but she wouldn’t enjoy it. My red lines are stop the affair. Cut all ties, delete snapchat. I watched her physically do all of this. She wants to make this work. She doesnt understand why I’m still in love with her. It’s not the kids for me. It’s her. I love her and yes she is toxic. I yearn for her and pine a lot when she isn’t around. I’m in it for her in her current state and hopefully what this can become. I’ve conceded to not ask.so many questions about the past and focus on moving on thru therapy, marriage council jointly and showing her a kind of love that she never thought was possible. I am capable of doing this even though she thinks 100perc3nt thinks I cant stop wondering and snooping on her phone. She wants freedom but she hasn’t weighed the whole cost. I feel for her more than i feel for myself. I know that’s unhealthy but I really do love her still. I cant help it. My heart sbould be broken but instead it is filled with love and sadness for her. She must be so worried of screwing this up for good after I have been so understanding and open with her. She needs a break from it all. I am.worried for the future and I cant really relate this to her without crying. She barely cries. I do.feel dumb or a fool at times but i.just cant fathom what my life would look like without her in it.
Ransom
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Hi 41yrdadof3 –
Your situation as I perceive it is like an onion. There are so many layers of issues that when you peel one away, there will be yet another. But I can say, from what you have described, no matter what you do, she will not change. She likes the situation just as it is, with you forgiving and understanding and accommodating and then more forgiving and understanding – meanwhile she gets to do whatever she wants and has you too plus a live in baby sitter. It is just too unfair, and under all the unconditional love that you are putting out more and more, there has to be a huge backlog of rage that you are ( I believe ) in denial about, and you are holding back the dam with all this love that you keep dishing out. This cannot keep on because one of these days that dam will break, and that would be dangerous for both of you. I know you are concerned about your children, but from what you have said, if you separated, you could still be the primary caretaker and she would need to give you child support – but you would obviously need to get a professional’s knowledge about that. In any case, my advise is to at least get separated and get into therapy. By beings away from her, you will start to gain back your clarity of mind which at the moment has been overwhelmed by all her dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors that you have gotten caught up in. I am recommending a separation instead of totally going No Contact with her ( as I think other participants might advise ), because from your post you do not seem to be ready to take that step and I think you will need a therapist’s help to both help you understand the unhealthy dynamic of the relationship first, then support you to gain freedom from it when you yourself can understand how important it is for your own sanity and well being.
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Ransom/41yrdadof3 – Your post triggered so many emotions for me it took me a while to process them. I know you didn’t ask for help and you say you want to stay with your wife, but I DO agree with polestar — the toxicity and one-sidedness of this relationship is going to eventually destroy you and your kids. I spent ten years trying to “love-out” the recurrent addiction of my now-ex. I believed that my love and understanding would “cure” him. Over and over he would beg my forgiveness, be better for a while, then lapse back into hurtful, mean and dangerous behavior. I always took him back, always forgave him, always believed he would get better – for ten years. You said “I love her and yes she is toxic.” That was me. I wish I could pinpoint when I finally said just “he is toxic” and stopped loving him or at least started loving myself more. Because that is what it took – the realization that it would never, ever get better, he would NOT change no matter how much I cared or wanted it, that I had to finally, totally put myself and my child first and give up the fantasy of having a forever marriage. It took me years to get over what I then saw as my failure and what I now see as my survival. I wish I had had a place like this forum to talk it out and hear others perspectives and stories. Please keep posting, keep reading, keep hearing. You will never have the relationship with her that you want because she will never change. Her lying and manipulation is a part of her. She can’t change. She was born this way. YOU can. Please take care of you – the real you that you are burying deep in order to survive. You can still love her – that may never go away – but to subject yourself to the constant doubt, distrust and torment that her constant lying causes is NOT good for you or your kids. You need to distance yourself in order to heal. You deserve better.
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Emilie wow this hit home:
“I spent ten years trying to “love-out” the recurrent addiction of my now-ex. I believed that my love and understanding would “cure” him.”
I never wanted my ex back romantically after our breakup but I still spent 4 years afterwards trying to be amicable as exes to have an amicable business relationship with him because we owned a business together.
I thought that the fact that our marriage didn’t work out didn’t mean we couldn’t be amicable exes and keep the business together.
Well those extra 4 years was just an opportunity for him to further abuse me both psychologically and financially. He put me through horrific problems and distress. And this was AFTER the breakup. Once he saw I was gaining my independence back he could not tolerate that so he had to punish me, destroy me, erase me.
No amount of love or understanding or appeasement or negotiation or reasonableness changes these people. It simply does not work.
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Hi 41yearsdadof3,
Im so sorry that you are in this nightmare relationship with a sociopath. YES…here behavior is indicative of a sociopath…
From other male posters on Lovefraud female sociopaths ALL use Sex to control& manipulate their mates.
Your wife is a “pathological liar” (look up this term on Lovefraud & net). ALL sociopath are pathological liars…they love to lie…they love to con others with their lives it makes them feel alive to con people. The shower moment was to manipulate you back under HER control and brain washing. By her repeating “I have your back” this is BRAIN WASHING aka mind control this is what CULT LEADERS DO TO THEIR CULT FOLLOWERS!!
DO YOU REALIZE YOUR WIFE IS A CULT LEADERS AND YOU ARE HER CULT FOLLOWER?
ALL sociopaths are CULT LEADERS even if they have 1 cult follower ie their spouse. But, these types including your wife can easily suck in 100’s of followers without them realizing they are in a cult.
Look up Donna’s video (article cant remember which here on Lovedfraud) with Steven Hassan and his book “Freedom of mind” (not sure if that’s the title) just do a search at the top of LF). also watch Steven Hassan’s vids on you tube. He is a cult expert. His book for me was phenomenal when I escpaed my ex h at explaining how I was trapped into a relationship with him.
What you are emotionally & mentally experiencing…of a roller coster ride daily is exactly how ALL victims feel in a relationship with a sociopath. A relationship is a true nightmare…they keep breaking your spirit then come to the rescue to ‘save you”…only to break you down again…why do they do this? TO CONTROL THEIR VICTIMS FROM LEAVING THEM.
WHAT DO ALL SOCIOPATH WANT? They want POWER & CONTROL OVER THEIR VICTIMS. WHo do they achive this? They do exactly what you are experiencing right now…your wife has you on a daily emotional & mental roller coaster….this is mentally, emotionally & physcially EXHAUSTING>
you state:
“I haven’t looked this handsome since before the kids were born”
this is how all victims feel…the stress of daily life slowly destroys their health..and their hygene habits they once had. The sociopath makes sure that their victims have no time for their health, their old health routines….again they want to break you down…they want to destroy your old good habits your parents installed in you and so that they can control you.
Best thing for you to do daily is forus on yourself…to get your health back in order, do some light exercise like walking around the neighborhood or a few pushups…dont do to much because you are under stress and this is causing most likley your adrenal glands to become fatigue (look up adrenal fatigue on net = most victims suffer from this)
some good you tube doctors sites that I found helpful to get my health back are: you tube channels Dr Berg & Dr Eckberg. Look up on Dr Bergs vids on Vitamin D, B complex, Zinc, c, magnesium etc. Go to your doctor and ask for a extensive vitamin & mineral deficiency test. DO this without telling your wife. Do the exercise without tell your wife. Sociopaths do not like their cult followers to get healthy & happy..they want their target victims to demend on them mentally, emotionallY & physically.
Look up here on LF:
“idolize, devalue, discard”
this is what sociopaths do to mentally & emotionally break their victims down. It’s a constant roller coaster daily with them.
Go to the National Domestic Violence hotline and look up “What is emotional abuse” and read their whole website. YOU ARE IN A EMOTIONAL & MENTAL ABUSIVE RELATIONSHP? do you know this?
Look up on that site and net “Wheel of control cylce of Domestic abuse”
this is where the abuser will constantly create intentional tension, then fight with their vicitms then start love bombing again the calm phase (look up love bombing here on LF)…it’s a wheel that keep turning. over and over this cylce of abuse happens.
YOU NEVER GET PEACE WHEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A SOCIOPATH…NEVER.
What you get is daily chaos…
What can you do?
Educate yourself…read everything here on lovefraud.
Open up to family
go to INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING…NOT marriage counseling!! WHY? because sociopath will go to counseling and flip everything around and pretend to be the “victim” AND they learn more ways to control their spouse. BEWARE…read articles about this here on Lovefraud.
Instead find a counselor that knows about domestic abuse and YOU GO ALONE with out your spouse knowing!!! Go to the library and read books on men in domestic abusive relationships. Call your local abuse center hotline and ask if they have a program for men and any free counseling for men in abusive relationship. Look up articles here on lovefruad.
DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS…socioapths do not like to lose control over their spouse. so you are going to have to do this stealthy. If you have siblings or family call them and ask for emotional support.
Get your mental health back by going to a doctor such as a Functional medicine or alternative medicine or nathuropath that will get your body & mind back in order with a good clean diet vs Rx. Funtinal medicine doctors & alternative doctors are licenced medical doctors who use Rx as last resort. Nathuropath are also licenced but, not sure of their schooling required but, never the less they do have schooling…such as you tube chan Eric bakker naturopath…and functional medicine doctor you tube channel Mark Hyman. They both have good info.
If you plan on leaving your spouse then you are going to have to plan this out…socioapth are always 10 steps ahead of their victims. So you are going to have to secretly look into divorce lawyers etc etc and have all your ducks in a row before leaving her. Otherwise she most likely will turn the tables and make your life and future miserable. She has skills from her job to do this in court. I did not plan out my exit out of my marraige…I just escaped. Looking back this was a huge mistake…I needed to interiew lawyers, get my health back as best I could. I would recommend you go to the library and read books on divorce and finances and also at big box book stores. This will give you some ideas of how to deal with the lawyers and what you need finacially out of divorce. Sociopaths NEVER like to give up money or homes, cars etc.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE…reach out to your family, find a good individual counselor and go without your wife knowing this, get a vitamin & mineral deficiency test and take the right vitamins to heal your body & mind.
look up “Adrenal fatigue” symptoms…see dr lam. com and adrenal fatigue. org these are two sites that helped me out understanding the stress that was cause health issues. My doctor gave me dr wilson’s adrneal vitiamins/minerals when I looked up adrenal glands/fatigue I found those two sites with good info. The library might have their books but, their sites have lots of good info for free.
I can not stress enought that you are going to have to do all this stealthy. And you will have to make sure you CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY and becareful who you call on your phone because she will be able to see this info on your phone bill. This is what vicitms of abuse have to do. BE CAREFUL. YOu do not what the sociopath to see you are making positive changes because they will try to break you down again…like a wild horse who leaves free being captured and then broken by their new owner.
So make these changes without telling her…go to counseling without telling her…pay cash.
Hope this helps out. Being with a sociopath is a nightmare…a constant emotional &mental roller coaster daily…what you are endureing now is what you WILL ALWAYS endure from her. She will not change…ever. This is what all victims get…
That is until the. plan there exit out of the relationship…look up on the National Domestic violence hotline and you tube/net: “domestic abuse exit and safety plan”
Be strong for your children…they need you.
You are not alone…take care. 🌺
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Ransom you have to find your strength as a man and end it. Don’t let her treat you this way. End it now for your sake and the kids.
Counseling will not work at all. Counseling is useless with a disordered person. It will just be an opportunity for her to manipulate you more and manipulate the counselor. It will be a waste of time and money. No counselor can fix her
Save yourself and get out now.
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Hi Ransom –
Wow- the participants had so much insightful and right on advice for you. They are such wonderful, intelligent and empathetic people. I’m glad that you are really reading everything carefully, as it will save your life literally. Everybody has been advising you to not go go couples counseling, but instead to go to your own counselor. I totally concur. So often counselor’s don’t have the proper training about psychological abuse or sociopathy, and they end up by being charmed by the abuser – the abusers know how to do it so well, and then you will end up being the one who is blamed. Happens all the time. Plus your situation is one that is beyond couple’s therapy because of your wife’s deep psychological problems that are not amenable to learning how to negotiate and how to see things from another’s point of view – she just wants things her way, and is not interested in the give and take that a real relationship is all about and which couple’s therapy helps to facilitate. So you need to get help for yourself so that you can extricate yourself from this horrific situation that is literally making you sick physically ( not eating etc ) and psychologically ( with so much stress and unhappiness ). I would suggest the book called “ cheating in a nutshell “ – it will help you understand the emotional torture thatbyour wife’s cheating is putting you through. Lastly, I wanted to mention something to add to my last post. It is that every time you confront your wife about her lies and cheating and try to get her to stop doing that, the result will be that she will just learn to be sneakier due to knowing how she was found out. On the other hand, another result may be that she is delighted that she has been found out ( which she may have made it very easy for you to do so ), just so that she can torture you more. Anyway you look at it, you are being abused. Please do everything you can for self protection and gain from what the other participants have posted.
Blessings -
just wanted to add…DO NOT FIGHT WITH HER...she will just break your spirits down with every fight…you will never “win” a fight or come out feeling like she “undestands your side’long term.
She knows how to fight & manipulate everyone even her friends, co-workers & boss…she does NOT care about your feelings or what you want…she only cares about herself and what she wants = power & control over others.
Yes, some times you will think “oh she understand why I am upset” etc…but, it’s all a game to her…it’s all to keep you sucked into the hell you are enduring…all the cyle of abuse so you wont escape. Sociopaths are excellent at telling their victims what they WANT TO HEAR…BUT, NEVER BACK UP THOSE WORDS longer term.
dont fight with her, do not make this noticeable because if you stop fighting with her and she catches on to what you are doing (self protection from stress and anxiety) she will uses a new type of manipulation on you to control you & break you mentally & emotionally down. So you have to be very stealth with how you handle situations until you get educated.
Yes, polestar your comments & Sept4 are excellent and really provide so much info & understanding. 41yearsoldfatherof3….yes you are not alone…know this and keep posting and reading everything here at lovefruad. watch Donna’s vids = good info. Read Donna’s article on why NOT to go to counseling with a sociopath.
DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE WHO YOU THINK SHE IS (a socioapth) for your safety and your childrens safety.…
do not tell your wife you believe she is abusing you...
stay silent on this fact for your safety and also so that she does not do anthing such as file for divorce when you are at your losest right now and not ready to fight a touch battle in court. You have to make a plan out of this relationship if that is what you desire (all of us here know that is the best way for you to have a healthy & happy life = leave her but, you have to make your own decision).
if you do plan on a divorce take the time to gather documents & make copies of them and look into a frensic accountant to see if your wife has moved assets into her name or has bank acounts without you knowing = yes this is what they do = they are always 10 steps ahead and by the time you get to court you think you are broke as a couple (which most cases is true when married to a sociopath) but, savey sociopaths hide money & assets.
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Hi 41dadof3 –
I was thinking about your situation, and again thought of the book called “ cheating in a nutshell “. It is an easy read and not too long, but very powerful and informative and you would get many “ ah ha “ moments from reading it. Essentially, it is mainly answers to many posts/emails that are reproduced in the book. So you get to read real people’s thoughts and emotions and questions and what they are going through. With the answers are many scientific insights from research about this issue. You would gain so much knowledge and validation for what you are going through too and support. So I really hope that you will read it. You can get it by ebook so it can come to your computer immediately and your healing will begin !
Blessings to you. -
41yrolddadof3,
what you are feeling emotionally &; mentally can feel overwhelming…when you finally wake up to the truth and realize your marriage is all a lie, that your spouse is very disordered and will never change…it feels like your head exposeds. You start to question everything your mate has said from day one and done over and over. And that your marriage is not real…that your spouse is a con artist cult leaders. This causes massive amounts of stress to your body, mind & spirit.
Keep reading everything here are lovefraud and all the comments after the articles you read. Donna Anderson, site creator of lovefraud, literally has all your answers you have been asking yourself for years about your mate. The more you read the more your mind wakes up from the brain washing you have been under.
PLEASE KNOW THAT YOUR KIDS NEED YOU...yes, you can fall apart now…but, you must also pick up the pieces and be here for your kids as the grow up. This is a difficult task when you feel so broken. But, I promise you this…the more you educate yourself by reading everything here at lovefraud, reading books posted above and look into finding a good counslor that understand sociopathic abuse and go…you will put your life back together and will be stronger for your kids. They will know that when you get knocked down emotionally & mentally in life that you can survive and thrive.
IT’S OK TO CRY…good men cry...this is all part of how our body & minds know how to heal…let the tears roll…this emotional over time will calm down. look at my first post and start the process of truely healing your body. You have made wonderful steps to lose weight and get healthy again…so keep moving forwards in this.
PLease remember socipaths DO NOT CHANGE…they just come up with new ways to manipulate their spouse, friends, family, coworkers, strangers when someone catches on to their con game. Your wife is not going to change…what you see is what you will always get = lying, manipulation, cheating…
I was in the same mindset as you are now…I thought if “WE” went to counseling “We” could keep our marrage together after his affair, lying, manipulation…HE NEVER CHANGES infact his emotional, mental, verbal abuse got worse…his gas lighting abuse (look up here on lovefraud) got worse…his cheating got worse…when I left he has 5 women in two different states…3 he was having sexual relationship the other 2 not sure.
I was the one trying to save our marriage…he was the one intentionally destroying it…once I got this…I realize there was no saving the marriage…I needed to save me from the hellish marriage. You need to do the same.
At some point you have to decided “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” and you have to save YOURSELF…not save her, she can NOT be saved, she will not change…she will always have someone in your spot to “save her, to love her”.
Victims of sociopaths are conditions with “pity me manipulation” (look up on LF) to feel like we are the only ones to understand the sociopaths behavior, the only ones to love them…we end up sacrificing our healthy, our mindset, our dreams, etc etc to caterior to their life. NEVER do they really invest in our dreams, our health etc. IT’S ALL ABOUT THEM…it’s all about power & control over us. She has power & control over you. DO you see this?
Think back on the conversation you had about you staying home and taking care of the kids/home…was this really your decision? or did she manipulate you to believe this was the best decision. By you giving up your career not only did you give up money but, you became dependent on her. This is what cult leaders do..they make the cult followers give up their careers, dreams, ideas, thoughts for the good of the organization aka cult. The cult followers have know idea they were connect by brain washing.
STAY STRONG…REACH OUT FOR HELP CALL THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE TO SEE IF THEY HAVE A LIST OF COUNSELORS FOR MEN OF DOMESTIC ABUSE. Keep reading everything here at lovefraud.
Take care.
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look up articles on gas lighting abuse and no contact rule.
Look up on the National Domestic Violence hotline: “Men Can Be Victims of Abuse Too” (article) they also help men call 1-800-799-SAFE. Best to call on a phone that your wife will not see the phone bill. You are not alone = call them and ask for help. THis is a difficult step to do..but, it’s a huge step in your freedom & your kids freedom.
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Ransom you have gotten good advice. I hope you are reading.
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41yrdadof3. PLEASE DO NOT GO TO YOUR WIFE’S “LOVERS office. This will get you arrested!!!
Go to a church RIGHT NOW (any church) and talk to a paster right now…remain calm. You have been thru so much…please do not stray from the good path.
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41yrdadof3…YOUR KIDS NEED YOU do not go on a path of “self distruction” your wife is not worth that.
The best “revenge” from a sociopath is to get a divorce in a calm fashion & get your life back by getting your health back and then finding somone that is normal and healthy minded ot get into a relationship. This is possible!!
Stay calm.
make a plan to get out of this marriage…find a good lawyer (see Lovefraud list of lawyers that get this kind of abuse you have endured)…find a functional medicine doctor that will heal your body from the stress you have been under at the hands of this sociopath. Functional medicine doctors (look up) are licenced medical doctors who look at the whole body to heal. The stress you are under from this sociopaht is creating PTSD so this needs to be healed asap.
PLEASE do not fight with your wife…she will just stress you out…and this is not what you want…when you are stressed it is very difficult to find the door out of this kind of relationship…this is why it is important to get your health back.
Ask friends to help you find a divorce lawyers…go to the library and read books on finacial divorce.
You are not the man that goes and creates chaos…you are the guy that will take the high road and get out of this abusive relationship and protect your kids.
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Ransom. Hope you took Jan’s advice.
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