Narcissism without the love bombing?

[ina]

I had just ended a relationship with a person who was diagnosed with ASPD when I decided to start a sexual relationship with an old friend. I told him from the onset I didn’t want a love relationship, and he agreed to it.

We were ongoing like this for the last 4 years and half and throughout these years I kept battling with my mental health due to grieving my previous relationship and also feeling that emotional void from this sexual relationship. I used to call him whenever I was really low, but didn’t see each other much because he would leave the country for months. While at it, the encounters were sporadic and meaningless, however I desired to at least get hugs or have meaningful conversations. He would always say “I don’t love”. If I would cry about being depressed he would get annoyed and mad at me for being so weak. If I confronted him about his coldness he would give me the silent treatment for days or even months. However, he would never speak to me romantically or sweet, nor shower me gifts. He would also talk a lot about the other women in his life, which often reminded me that I was just a sexual option (this made me feel empty). I tried at many instances to stray away and truly heal, but when I thought he was gone for good he would come back. The sexual tension between us was preety strong so that always drove me back to him.

I kept seeing red flags that made me depressed, but i kept telling myself not everyone is disordered as my EX. Give him a chance, he is just a hurt boy because of all the past stuff he has lived. Despite this, I managed to distance myself from him for 8 months last year, but I saw him in late October just to end up pregnant. He told me he was going to be there for me mentally and financially, but that he was in a relationship with someone. So I said ok, I understand. I only care about you being emotionally there for the baby. So I started to withdraw from him sexually, and would practice the grey rock method just so he could keep abreast of the baby development. However, He would never ask about the baby. I would invite him to the doc appointments and he would cancel last minute, I told him if would name the baby but that didn’t matter to him, he said it just a name. I felt his messages were more about how he was sexually aroused about me being pregnant. When he could, he would remind me that he was still in a relationship.

He would ask about seeing me but only late at night. When i started refusing to see him at his timing he started to be mean to me and telling me how me nor the baby are a priority for him. I have not received any money for doc appointments. He has not stated how he will be involved in the baby life either. So I blocked him feeling his rejection towards the baby. Once I blocked him, he went public on social media about his relationship with the girl. He had never posted anyone since ending his last official relationship (same time I started hooking up with him) with his previous baby momma- (He was banned from being part of his daughter life at 7 months pregnant). That same night he changed his profile picture with her, I received a message via Pinterest demanding I unblock him. I replied saying I will only if you have a serious conversation about how you will be involved in the baby life’s , if not then I wont because nothing else to talk about. He left me on “seen”. Didn’t reply back.

I seriously wanted him to be part of my baby life to avoid any abandonment issues, but at this point Idk if he is a narcissist or just someone mentally hurt due to his previous issues. All i know is he has hurt me deeply because I feel his rejection towards my baby. I don’t want to talk to him anymore, but Idk if the best option is to just keep the baby away from someone who doesn’t seem interested to be in his life.

• This topic was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by ina.
• This topic was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by ina.

[polestar]

Hi ina91 –
I think the issue was that you had not recovered from the previous ex, so in that case it would be almost impossible to go onto a new loving relationship. From your post, you seemed to be aware of this. Then you decided to have a sexual relationship with an old friend, and you made it clear that you were not interested in something more than a friendship ( from my understanding). I think that the mistake was for you to think that you could have a sexual relationship with someone while you remained “ just friends”. That is because our biology just doesn’t work that way due to all the hormones that are generated from sexual intimacy. I don’t think you were aware of your body’s dynamic in that regard and thus started to desire more of a close emotional relationship than what you had originally agreed to with this guy. Though sometimes a friendship can transform into something more romantic and close and caring, that is not always the case – and for your situation, this guy never had any intention of being close or caring – he was just fine with sexual encounters. I’m not sure, but I think the hormones work differently for women in this regard. In any case, for him he just either would not or could not be close or supportive ever. Plus he made it clear that he was involved with someone else. Even if you did have a closer relationship than a friendship, it would be totally unacceptable for him to have simultaneous sexual relationships with more than one woman. Plus he told you that he just didn’t love. Therefore, the guy is a looser anyway you look at it. Count it a plus that he wants basically nothing to do with the baby because it makes it a lot easier to get him out of your life that way. He has nothing to offer you and now you have the opportunity to move on. You have a wonderful life to look forward to with a new baby that will bring you much joy and fulfillment. Plus if you get him out of your life totally – you will then be open to meeting someone else who you can have a real relationship with and who will love you and your baby and will be able to be a real father. That will not be possible if you let this guy hang around your life and drag you down in every way. Anyway, congratulations on your new baby to come and a whole new beautiful life that awaits you.
Blessings

[Donna Andersen]

Ina – I am so sorry for your experience. The relationship with the baby daddy came about because of your emotional pain. Unfortunately, it is adding to your pain.

I know you want the man’s support, but honestly, you are better off without him. He has proven that he does not care about you or the baby, and he probably will never care. I recommend that you do continue to block him. You do not want this person in your life and the life of your child. In fact, You may want to consider putting “unknown” for the child’s father on the birth certificate. Take care of your child on your own. you will be happier.

[Author]

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