Narcissistic coworker

[brooke]

Hello. For the first time in my life I found a great job and a wonderful work enviroment. I work there for almost 3 years. Unfortunately, I didn’t protect myself from a coworker who seems to be a narcissist and who has now targeted me.
I had encountered narcissists in the workplace before and had falsely thought I was able to recognise them early. But I didn’t. One and a half year ago, she initiated all the contact. She called me at noon and afternoon at first foe work-related issues. I responded. She visited me in my hometown during summer break, I allowed it. She was calling me way too often but pretended to be a friend who valued me. She faked empathy. She had some outbursts of anger and she started bad mouthing a lot of other people (red flags I unfortunately overlooked). She told me she was divorced, then denied it (never understood why, I never asked about her status). To make the long story short, a couple of months ago I (fool me) asked her to join me in a project. She made me life a hell. Although I was getting all the job done , she took credit of everything. She was inventing reasons to contact me about the project for things that were not necessary but she insisted on doing. She was calling at noon, afternoon, late at night, Saturdays, Sunday mornings, she was leaving voice messages on viber etc. 3 months ago, I started not responding to some of her calls. I sent sms that I could not talk at the moment. Told her I use to take naps at noon. She continued. She gave me raged outbursts when I denied taking her calls. A couple of hours later she was sending sms with emojis like nothing had happened. I started closing my mobile phone because I could not stand to see her name on the screen. A nightmare. Back to here and now: the project finished last week. I am sure she has made a smear campaign about me to some other colleagues. I accidentantly found out she began a new big project and invited 4 colleagues to join her, even two women I was in good terms with before. I am sure they asked her why she didn’t involve me and God knows what she has told them. Now that she has excluded me, she acts extremely happy when I am around. Maybe I am too sensitive, but all this situation makes me depressed. I am not happy in my job everyday. I am sure she treats the others very well in order to make me seem like the bad person.What should I do? I would appreciate any answer.

[emilie18]

Brooke: Sounds like you are in a hard situation. You already know this woman is a narcissist and she has played you. She has all the markers: taking credit for other’s work; downplaying anyone else’s participation; lying to others about her contributions. Cultivating a friendship with you was a form of love-bombing. The constant texts, messages, calls – all a way to keep you off-guard.
Since she has already moved on to her next set of victims, you might want to count your blessings. However, DO document everything that happened, like proof of your work on the project, messages and texts that document her deceits; anything that can show her pattern. Avoid bad-mouthing; instead, outline the issues rather than the personality. Write down any specific incidents and be objective; only state observable problems.

She used your “friendship” to further her own agenda, and now that you are on to her, she is moving on, leaving a trail of lies and misinformation in her wake. It is important that your bosses become aware of this pattern. If you have anyone you can trust higher up, confide your concerns. If she has been at the job longer than you, she probably has previous victims. Comparing notes may give you allies. There IS strength in numbers, especially if you have to take this to HR.

Eventually she will again show her true colors: self-centered, entitled; lying; hogging attention; gossiping; back biting; jealous of anyone else’s successes; extremely sensitive to criticism. She is probably short term charming and friendly, but unable to maintain the façade for long.

I bet that her latest coworker/victims will soon become aware of her deceptions and manipulations and might be coming to you with questions. In the meantime, do the best work you can. Be sure your bosses know your accomplishments. Keep your head high. Be a consummate professional. Stay out of office gossip. Try not to take this all too personally. Set very firm boundaries with her; don’t interact or react to her; remain aloof and assertive and document everything, including office gossip.

The best way to unmask a narcissist is to always be one step ahead of them, and to have truth on your side. Be ready for the blow-back, though – when she is “discovered” she will try to make it all about you – and everyone else. Stay strong!

[Jan7]

Hi Brooke, Im so sorry you are enduring this nightmare narcissist at work.💙 Reflecting back after reading your post I have dealt with a narcissist at every job. Some easier to deal with, some extremely covert (pure evil behavior). I feel your pain.

Emilie is correct…this narcissist will drop her mask with your co-workers on her team and they will soon see the truth…that she created a smear campaign against you and she will do the same with them. And, they will all soon find out that she lied about doing the work on your past team.

I agree with Emilie just stand back and watch her mask drop. If your other co-workers (on her team) come to you to talk to you about this narcissist behavior talk with them about your thougths that you wonder if she is a narcissist and encourage them to look up this term. Like Emilie states keep it professional, a short conversation & without gossip.

Keep in mind that narcissist boomerang back to their past victims when others start to see their narcissistic mask drop. So avoid her at all cost. If you have to change your phone, email etc to stop her from contacting you (if she starts up a fake friendship again) then do this. But, dont tell her that you changed your phone number because of her just make up something like you lost your phone etc.

Look up “Low narcissist contact rule”…this is when you have to deal with a narcissist at work or child custody. Look up Donna’s articles on “Gray rock method” also.

If your other co-workers see her narcissist behavior and there is enough of you, you all might want to consider talking to your manager or Human Resourse about her behavior. But, this needs to be carefully thought out because narcissist are masterful manipulators with bosses and often the boss likes the narcissist and thinks they are great workers.

I know it’s very difficult to deal with a narcissist at work. It take a village to take down & expose a narcissist (at work or romantic partner). So dont do it on your own. Just wait for this new team to comes to you with their complaints about her.

Wishing you all the best. take care. 💙🌷💙

[Jan7]

ps do a serach here on Lovefraud also for “Sociopath at work”. there are a few articles for you to read. take care.

[brooke]

emilie18 and Jan7 thank you very much for your responses. In fact, she emailed me again today over something unnecessary (as always) and stated that she is available if I need her (I didn’t need her and she knew it). I responded that I had already taken care of everything stating all the facts and nothing more is needed concerning the project that we shared. She sent another email saying that she thanked me and that I am an invaluable work partner. Why did she do that when at the same time she excludes me from the new project she is planning? I cannot stand any other unnecessary communication.
Moreover, the two other women co-workers with who she is planning to cooperate and with who I was in good terms with, have known her for quite a long time (much longer than I have). In fact, I think they have shared again some projects in the past. emilie 18 and Jan7, how can be that they haven’t yet seen her true colours? I don’t know, maybe some people never see the narcs for who they are. Maybe because the new team exists of 5 people the narcissist won’t opress them as much as she did with me. Maybe she’ll do her best to prove what a great partner she is, I don’t know. I still feel sad concerning this situation but I will try to follow the advice of both of you. Thank you again!

[Jan7]

Hi Brooke,

you state:

“she emailed me again today over something unnecessary (as always) and stated that she is available if I need her (I didn’t need her and she knew it).”

This is exactly what narcissist do!! They keep their past victims in their grips for many reasons. The biggest reason is they always need a “supply” (a victim to control & toy with for fun). They dont like to let go of one of their past victims incase the new target victims (her new team members) catch on to her emotional/mental abuse and manipulation. This is one of the biggest reasons why a victim of a romantic relationship with a narcissist or sociopaths cant escape a abusive relationship. They are constantly being sucked back into the relationshp via the sociopaths: “I’m sorry”..”It will never happen again’ etc etc all lies BS. This narcissist you are working with seems be be a “covert narcissist” (look up).

Also, her “team” might be having conflict with her. And, she might be thinking she can replace one or add you back on to this team to actually do the work to get the project done. She knows you were the back bone of the team. Narcissist never actually do the work they always get others to do the work. 🚩🚩Her email to you has strong motivation & deception.

My ex (a sociopath narcissist) always needed “help”…help to find his keys, help with work projects, he was like a little kid that had no business or life skills other then manipulating people to do all the work. And, he never gave me credit around friends for anything. I would give him ideas and he would always act like they were his ideas for what ever problem he had.

I realized after leaving him & educating myself here at Lovefraud was that “needing help” was just a manipulative tactic to control me & control my time so, that I did not go after my goals & dreams or most importantly leave him. He wanted me full depended on him. This is what a lot of narcissist/sociopaths do. She is playing a mental game with you. You did the correct thing by disregarding her behavior.

Narcissist/socipath hate to be ignored. This is why the “Narcissist low contract rule” and “Gray rock methods” work wonders to get these types out of our lives. (look up these terms).

You ask:

“..how can be that they haven’t yet seen her true colours? “

Most people have been brought up by their parents & their school teachers have taught skills on how to “get along with others”. My guess is that your co-workers (this narcissist team members) see that her behavior is not normal just like you did. But, the are trying to take the high road and get along at work because they dont want to be that “co-worker” who doesnt get along with others. These co-workers (on the team) dont want to be that “Co-worker” that is difficult to work with”. So they stay silent and just try to get thru the project.

AND THESE CO-WORKERS (TEAM) ARE NOT EDUCATED ON NARCISISTIC ABUSE OR HOW TO SPOT ONE.

My guess is during this team working together that cracks with this team leader narcissist will start appearing and towards the end of the project the narcissist mask will slip. And that the team have started or will start making jokes about her behavior to deal with the manipulation/stress this narcissist is creating during the project. This is how normal people deal with the stress of a narcissist/sociopath make jokes etc if they are not educated on how to spot one. The Narcissist will later somewhat apology by saying it “was stress” that they were under that cause the issue or they will blame another person in the group maybe make up lies about that person to “manipulate someone back into a good standing with them. This blambing someone else is a common manipulation tactic of a narcissist called Blame shift” (look up here at LF) to a scapegoat so that the co-worker sucked back into their con game of manipulation, power & control over others.

You can ask these other co-workers how is it working with this women (narcissist). Just to test the water. But, keep your poker hand close to your chest. Dont reveal anything if they say she is “great” etc. And, if they say something like she is difficult to work with. You can just agree and give a example or two of what she did to you/your past team (plant seeds in their minds) but, keep the conversation short because narcissist are very manipulative and keep sucking their victims back into their con game & forgiving them of past issues (with this curent team). This narcissist just did this with you in the email she sent you.

It’s a emotional roller coaster ride with a narcissist one minute they are your best buddy/great co-worker…then they flip the switch to keep you wondering what is going on. THIS BEHAVIOR IS ALL INTENTIONAL. You start to question everything that you did to correct the issue…but, the victim did nothing wrong…the narcissist is just playing mind games to get you to think about them/the issues instead of focusing on your life/your work goals that need to be accomplished.

EVERYTHING the narcissist does is about POWER & CONTROL OVER OTHERS!! And, to Divide others against each other via “narcissist smear campagin” and “narcissist triangulation” (look up both of these terms on LF and net). Once the narcissist or sociopath gets everyone divide from each other and gets them fighting each other the narcissist/sociopath has full control over EVERYONE!!

You see this with the media/politicans/politcal parties/Presidents..they are always dividing citizens into groups…based on race, gender, age, religion, politican party etc then they get these groups fighting each other…while in the background the politcans & their puppet masters (all psychopath hiding behind the wizard of oz curtain = secret societies) are steal tax payer money via an emergency like covid, ukraine war etc). IT’s all a con game.

There is a saying “United we stand, Divid we fall”

Narcissist/sociopath contantly trying to get friends/family/coworkers divide to control everyone. Until people start to catch on and STAND UNITED against the narcissist!!

This works with citizens standing up to the manuplation by the media/polticans as well as in the work place like you are experiencing.

To wake up your co-workers you have to test the water asking “how is it working with this women”…if they say “it’s great” …remind silent…if they say “it’s difficult” you can ask more questions. And test the water. If they really dislike working with her then you have a “village” to expose her” which case you can tell them a few stories about what happened when you worked with the narcissist. But, do this very slowly remember narcissist are always switching back and forth from being “nice” to being “abusive & manulative” = ALL intentional to divide & control everyone. So this narcissist can suck this team back into her con game.

View this co-worker narcissist as a CON ARTIST because that’s exactly what they are.

The origional definition of Psychopaths was “morally insane”…that is the best definition of what they are..this is also a definition that most common citizens can fully understand without doing research on what is a “Narcissist”/”Socioapht’/”Psychopath”

Wishing you a good day at work. Stay strong. Keep reading, venting & ask questions here at lovefraud. This site is a blessing for all of us.

Take care. 🌷🌷🌷🌷

ps if she sends you another non work email again (like the one she just did today) ignore it..DO NOT RESPOND if it is not work related. narcissist had to be ignored this is the best defense for you. Obviously if it’s work related you will have to respond.

USe the “Gray rock method” and/or “narcissit Low contact rule” to keep this narcissist at bay> if she calls your home & you have caller identification DONT pick up the phone..ignore her.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Jan7.

[Jan7]

Hi Brooke,

I was rethink the email your coworker narcissist sent you:

You stated:

“.. and stated that she is available if I need her (I didn’t need her and she knew it)”

Could she have been trying to manipulate you into saying “same with you” (meaning if she needed help you would help HER…a manipulative tactic by her??)

Many covert narcisist will never come out and say they need help…instead they would do what this woman did in this email to you to get you to volunteer to help her.

[brooke]

Jan7 first of all thank you very much for your replies, you and emilie18 help me see this situation objectively. Jan7, I searched the therm “covert narcissist” and I think she fits all the criteria! Thank you so much. That explains why she wasn’t so easy to spot at first!!! What do you mean by “the email has strong motivation”? Deception I understand and I agree.
Today I told her I have finished every obligation concerning the project that we shared and she repeated loudly (there was 1 other coworker in the office) “You are such an invaluable partner!”, the same she had written me in the email. I said “yeah,right” and I instantly regretted it. Why? Why did she said that again and why did I respond like this? Maybe she wanted me to say “you too!” In that case at least I didn’t do her the favour.
The two other women I mentioned are in friendly terms with her. And I feel that she has influenced one of them by telling lies about me. But I don’ t want to initiate a conversation over this. I think they are both by her side,especially the one who is more influenced by her.And maybe, she won’t show her true colours in their project, who involves more people and not just two. A friend of mine suggested I ask the other women “how is the new project going?” (I accidentally found out that they are preparing it, they were trying to hide it until it starts) in order to show them that I know and to set things straight because maybe she had told them that I was not interested. I don’t feel like doing it.
I feel depressed over this. I guess I will handle it better in the future.
Thank you very much for your replies. You are really helping me.

[Donna Andersen]

Brooke – I am so sorry for your experience. It certainly seems to me that the woman is disordered. It is best to keep your distance from her in a subtle way. Pretend to be cordial, because you don’t want to give her an excuse to badmouth you. But avoid any more projects with you and do not reveal anything of importance. Be aware that she is just looking for an opportunity to stab you in the back. If there are any future incidents, be sure to document them.

[Jan7]

Hi Brooke,

you state:

“I feel depressed over this. I guess I will handle it better in the future.”

Please dont give her your power. That is what all narcissist want. They intentional twist our minds around (over thinking what they said/their actions). It’s hard but, try not to think about what happened instead focus when your mind goes to her/situation on your hobbies, chores, what you need to buy at the grocery store or what you want to do in the weekend. This helps not to let her rent space in your mind for free.

You are a nice person so it is diffcult to let go of the evil actions of a narcissist. (again that is what they want = all power & control over them). Narcissist always target the strong, hardworking, high moral person and attempt to break us down. This is all fun and games to them. like a cat playing with a mouse.

I have been caught off guard by people still after educating myself. But, the good thing is their actions were all I needed to see that they are disordered and to stay away from them. You should be proud of yourself for spotting a narcissit at your work place. This is a huge step in staying mentally safe from her.

Like Donna stated avoid projects with this co-worker Narcisisit. Most people with a good gut instinct in your office see that she is disordered and avoid her at all cost. She might have these other two victims in her grips but, her mask will slip one day (many days) with her and they will eventually avoid her too.

Wishing you a good day at work and a great weekend!! Spring is here finally!!🌷🌷☘️

take care.

ps look up “Life code series Phil McGraw Oprah) you tube videos. this was a series of interview discussions on Dr Phils book Life code. In this book he talks about disordered people who they are (but, doesn’t not lable them with narc, sociopath etc) and what their game is and how to spot them & keep them out of your life. His book is very good at breaking everything down in a simple way.

Also, Donna Anderson (lovefraud creater has written several excellent books see her book store at the top of Lovefraud. These will help you also. 💙

[brooke]

Donna, thank you very much for your reply! I only want to ask you, how can I be cordial with her and grayrock her at the same time? It is so stressful to have in mind that she is waiting for an opportunity to stab me in the back, even though I already know that’s the way it is.

Jan7, a couple of months ago when I started to distance myself from her, I find myself thinking about her and the whole situation all the time. But all this time we were still working in that common project and she kept calling, texting (and after I stop responding to every call) emailing me all the time inventing reasons concerning the project. Even this week that the project was over, she sent me the email I told you about. I am sure some people have seen her for who she is, but there are many others who are manipulated by her. As you correctly have stated, she tries to turn people against each other. It is so stressful knowing that you work with an enemy who is waiting to harm you…

[Jan7]

Hi Brook,

just wanted to clarify when I said she was “motivated” I meant not a in a good way but, a manipulative way. She wants everyone to do all the work (that is her motivation) because she likes power & control over others and also, she might realize she is not that smart to actual do the work or be organized enough to complete the project with flying colors.

She knows you are smart, self starter and intelligent to know how to navigate a project (this is the type of person that narcissist/sociopaths target). I believe she knows that you were the back bone of that project and is trying like I said to either to manipulate you back onto her project now or to pick your brain so she can go back to her team and act like the “smart leader” of the team.

Also, I want to point out that her constant emailing/phoning you constantly is “love bombing’ (not in a romantic way) but, a way to keep you hooked into her con game. These narcissist/sociopath constantly phone/email/text so that you become addicted/accustom to their continuous manipulation and control over you. Narcissist/sociopaths do not like people that are independent and want again to control everyone.

So constant texting/phone calls = control. look up the term “love bombing” here on Lovefraud and when reading Donna’s articles of love bombing just related it to a non romantic individual (like this narc co-worker) so you can understand her motivation & manipulation tactics of this co-worker.

You stated (in another post):

“…stated that she is available if I need her (I didn’t need her and she knew it)..”

I belive she was attempting to manipulate you into saying: “yes, if you need help let me know, I, available for you too”…I believe she needs your help for this project. This narc seems to not want to say “I need help”..she doesnt want to appear weak..they want to be seen as powerful the one with all the answers..the one who is confident and can have power & control over others.

Instead they want to manipulate people into doing what they want via words like she attempted to do…your reponse of not saying “if you need help Im here for you” backfired for her LOL you were strong…and are educating yourself on how to deal with a co-worker narc 👏💪 Bravo..this was a chess check mate moment for you against a narcissist!! 😊

take care. 🌷🌷🌷

• This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Jan7.

[Donna Andersen]

brooke – since you are familiar with the idea of gray rock, that’s what I mean. By “cordial,” I mean rather than walk away from her in a huff, you say hello and then excuse yourself. You don’t want to make it obvious that you are not engaging. You just keep every interaction only at a surface level. The idea is to stay away from her, but not give her an excuse to badmouth you.

[brooke]

Donna thank you very much for your reply.
Jan7, I think that if she intented to make me a part of the project she is preparing she would already have said something. Instead, she has excluded me and I am sure she has said something bad for me to the other coworkers as a reason for not including me. I can feel that there have been discussions about me between them.
Of course she knows I was the back bone of the project that we shared and probably that’s why she is acting this way: to be part of it (it will be repeated in a few months) again. Even though I started it and did all the work, I will step back if she insists to be part of it again. I think she is acting like nothing has happened in order for me having no excuse to not cooperating with her again. But I have already decided not to engage in this project when it is repeated. It is not good for my career, but I don’t want anything to do with her or the nightmare of our cooperation again.
Jan7, you are absolutely right and thank you for making me see it: all this constant communication is lovebombing!!! The last email she sent me had no reason to be sent: the project was already over! She sent me an sms on my birthday two days before!

[brooke]

I responded politely. I don’t know if I did right or not. I want her to leave me alone at last!

[polestar]

Hi Brook, I have been giving your situation a lot of thought. Everyone has given you really helpful advice. Beautiful people here at this forum! In any case, I thought of another facet to consider: Although your co worker is definitely a dangerous person who manipulated to get your position at your company ( pulling a switch a roo when you were more of the authority, then she took credit for your work, then from that was able to be in charge of another project and then excluded you and then acted all superior by being “ nice “ by extending some wierd, hypocritical “ helpfulness “ ). But bottom line, it abuse at the workplace and should not be tolerated there. There are strong rules and laws about this especially in the political/social climate of our times. So to report it to your superiors would be an act of power and if she somehow found out about it and tries to retaliate then report her again. If you are not protected against abuse and bullying in your workplace after reporting the situation, then you would have grounds to sue. Perhaps think about this perspective. Blessings

[brooke]

Polestar thank you very much for your reply. Thank you also for the time you gave thinking my problem. You described perfectly my co-worker’s behaviour! She did exactly everything that you described! Unfortunately, where I work there isn’t a HR department. Of course we have superiors, but I don’t think it would be easy for me to prove everything she has done. Moreover, she is so manipulative (she used to say that she is not a good person and then started giving examples of things she did or said in terms of manipulation) that maybe she could make the superiors believe her. As difficult as it is, maybe the best for me is to keep my distance hoping she will eventually leave me alone…

[polestar]

Hi Brook – I understand. Sometimes we are in a situation where we can’t just up and leave. So in that case what is recommended is instead of going “ No Contact “ going “ Detached Contact “. From my own experience in this type of scenario is I have done it 2 different ways. The first is not to let on to the other person that there is a problem, and to just act and respond with courtesy and reasonableness. And whatever snide or disrespectful or rude way they behave with, to try to not take it personally. Knowing that there are those who will be swayed by them and those who won’t and the more people see you behaving with dignity, the more they will believe in the truth about you. The other way I have done it is to let the person know loud and clear that their behavior is unacceptable to me and I will not be part of the unhealthy dynamic. And not to hide the fact that I am avoiding them except to communicate succinctly about business that needs to be dealt with but we both know where we stand. I used to do the first before I was educated about Sociopaths etc. and just did that to survive yet hoping the other person would see my good will towards them and I hoped that they would respond in kind. Of course that never happens with a sociopath but I didn’t know that then. Yet to use it with real knowledge of who you are dealing with, I think it is still a viable strategy. When all is said and done though, when possible I prefer the 2nd option. But that option can really only be used when you are not in a vulnerable position. In any case, the good news is that you know who you are dealing with and can’t be manipulated further by her underhandedness and falseness. So you really are very empowered by that. From what you posted, you are a skillful and competent employee so keep up your good work and try as best you can to ignore her. I think a mistake I tend to make is to give those character disordered people way too much of my energy in my thought world. So that is something I am working on that you might want to do too. All the best to you.

[brooke]

polestar, thank you again for your reply. You described everything perfectly. I feel quite vulnerable so the second option would be difficult for me to follow right now. I am following the first option but cannot feel indifferent towards her (I wish I could). Thank you for your addressing me as a skillful employee. The sad truth for me though, is that whenever I face a problem concerning coworkers or bosses I kind of lose all the energy to work up to my potential. I am too sensitive maybe. As you correctly have guessed, I tend too to give a lot of energy into thinking about these disordered people. The thought of them consumes almost all of my free time. I leave obligations behind, I lose joy from other activities, I kind of become depressed. It is ridiculous maybe but I cannot handle it well. I have met this kind of people again in the past and I had promised myself I would not let them come near me again, at least in the workplace. But here we go again.I let this woman come close to me.This situation takes so much from me…

[polestar]

Hi Brooke – is there any way that you can look for another job ? Sometimes we just are not strong enough to be able to cope with someone else’s extreme negative psychological sickness. I have the tendency myself to try to deal with a situation that is just too problematic. For example, what I am going through right now and has come to a head today – my tenant who lives in a kind of duplex situation with me has been difficult from the day I moved in recently. I kept trying to deal with each issue and decided to keep my distance. But alas something came up yet again that I needed to address and then I made the mistake of trying to bring harmony back ( which you can’t with a narcissist) and told her that we needed to heal the discord. So instead of trying to problem solve with me which I was willing to do ( mistake !!!), she put me on the spot and challenged me ( that is what they do ! ) and said that she would leave if I wanted her to. I thought for a few seconds and answered “ yes “. So she signed the termination of rental agreement a bit ago and I realize that I had been willing to keep putting up with her and that was a mistake. Luckily for me she who was the one to cause herself to move. The point is that I am actually happy that this happened. I would have told her to leave already but I had compassion for her but that does not work with them. Anyway, you might feel relieved if you get another job.

[polestar]

Hi – just a PS about my situation – I think the tenant was playing “ chicken “ with me and thought I would back down. She kept doing all these power moves previously that I had to stand up to her about. It is to her own detriment to move for many reasons yet instead of trying to work with me, she wanted to take power and thus hurt her own self.

[emilie18]

polestar- interesting about your tenant. She sounds like a bully – and bullies never think anyone is going to stand up to them. Maybe that’s why she took the bait to move on..she was absolutely convinced you would back down. She got caught up in her own delusion of power. Good that she is leaving…good for you for not buying into her ploy!

[polestar]

Hi Emilie – thanks for your feedback. From what you said, I must concur that she is indeed a bully. I guess that I am making progress in that I did stand up to her. Your validation and appreciation feels so great! Thank you

[brooke]

Hello to all the great members of this forum. All this time, I tried so hard to rise above this situation. Today, something came up concerning the project that we shared (and now is typically over) and she came to me for a solution. When I stated to a client the date that I peronally finished a particular obligation, she said loudly “that has been taken care of, that is done” even though she didn’t do anything concerning it, I did it on my own. In the evening she sent me a message asking me to do again something that was not really necessary (as always) and something she could do by herself but asked me (as always) to do it instead. I answered I would do it immediately but I needed one clue I didn’t have and asked her to send it to me. She did not send me anything. Why, does she do all these kind of staff? Just to keep me at bay, even at night? What else does she want from me? She communicates with me inventing work-related reasons that don’t actually exist! She also has made a “clique” with these two other women, to whom I am sure she has badmouthed me! Also, I noticed that when I resisted all her hoovering she started being more hostile. I don’t know, she must be a mix of a narcissist-borderline-histrionic-bipolar person. Now that I see her true colours, I realise how naive I was letting her come close to me…Her behaviour is disgusting. Sorry but I did not expect her to reach to me concerning that finished project again, in non working hours. It brings back awful memories of the past months and my nerves cannot stand it any more.

[brooke]

You won’t believe it! She sent me (via message) the clue and then invited me to go to the movies!!! I cannot believe it! So it’s hoovering again! What should I do?

[brooke]

I know I should decline. It’s ridiculous!!!

[polestar]

Hi Brooke – you were so succinct in your post about her wanting you to do work on the project that was already finished and that she was contacting you after business hours. So for the first issue when she kept trying to get you to continue to do work on a project that was completed, my suggestion to you would be to tell her ( if she tries it again ), just that – the project is finished and you will no longer do work on it because you are now working on current issues. Then tell her that you need to be professional and keep business associations separate from your social life. That mixing them creates too many misunderstandings and that you appreciate the invite to the movies but you will need to keep to your personal rule of keeping business and social encounters separate and that by the way, you also only do business communication during business hours. So you will create a strong boundary and thus take back your power. This is your golden opportunity to have a redo from what you regretted doing before – letting her get close to you in the first place. In survivor language what she is doing with the movie invite is called “ a Hoover “ – trying to get you back in her web of psychosis – don’t fall for it, because she will once again do something to betray, undermine and harm you and your work career. She will probably be offended when you set boundaries with her, which is called “ narcissistic offense “ and be mean to you but remember, she was and is currently being mean and even in your recent post you described her trying to yet again take credit for the work that you did. You must keep your distance from her to protect yourself. The good news is that you are obviously doing a good job at work and have been minding your own business away from her, otherwise she would not feel the need to do the Hoover. So keep up the good work you are doing in all ways and don’t let her cross your professional boundaries into your social circle because she does not deserve to be there. Blessings to you

[polestar]

PS – I realize that you are aware that what she is doing is a Hoover – so keep strong and don’t allow her to suck you up into all her emotional garbage !

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by polestar.

[Jan7]

What should you do?

Ignore her non essential emails. Especially when she sends them after work hours.

Follow the “grey rock method’ (look up this term here on Lovefraud)

DO NOT RESPOND to any messages that are NOT work related ie “want to go to the movies” email = IGNORE. No reponse is required back to her.

Keep work separate from your business world.

Her behavior is exactly what narcissist sociopaths do. They constantly toy with their victims. That is until you cut them out of your life.

If you want peace do not respond to any non essential work related emails. She is fishing to suck you back into her con game. IGNORE. If she says something to your boss and your bos calls you in explain what happened, who you believe she is narcissist) and why you feel personal invites after hours are unacceptable.

Keep venting here.

Keep listening to your strong gut instincts about her.

keep blocking her from your personal life by ignoring her emails.

Take care.

[emilie18]

Brooke – good for you on recognizing that what she is doing as “hoovering”. This is so typical of these types. Polestar is dead-on right – now is the time to set boundaries. Separate your work and social life. If possible, set your email to automatically answer after work hours with a message like “I will get back to you during regular business hours.” (Or just type that in!) (or just don’t reply until you get to work). Politely decline the movie invite – only explain if she asks. “Sorry, I’m busy” is just fine. Don’t give her any more fodder to complain about you to others. Professional, polite and distant is the attitude you should take with her. If she asks to rejoin the project that you both worked on when it starts up again, tell your superiors that you would rather not work with her and ask if you can handpick your team as you were lead last time and your track record proves you know what you were doing. In fact, you might want to talk with your boss now to ask for this before it actually comes up – that way she won’t know you purposely asked to exclude her. You need to be bulletproof – your actions and demeanor will be noticed by everyone else and her attempts to demean you will eventually be dismissed. Remember – This is a workplace, not a playground, and the rules are different. “Mean Girls” don’t rule anymore. Everyone is an adult, even if they often don’t act that way. Actions and results are what count. Keep your head up and do your job and make sure those who count notice. Best of wishes to you. You are doing great!

[Jan7]

Narcissist/sociopath narcs hate to be ignored. This is why it’s best to ignore her email after hours.

If you respond she has control over you after hours on your free time.

You owe her no reponse for the movie email. NONE.

Dont let her rent space in your mind also. Dont worrry about her email. This is one of the things you have to learn with her is not to engage with her and not to get emotional about her emailing you. stay emotionally neutral.

YES, great job for recognizing what she is doing to you trying to suck you back into her grips.

[brooke]

polestar, emilie 18 and Jan7 I cannot thank you enough for your immediate responses and for all of your invaluable support. Your replies helped me tremendously. The next day after that email, she greeted me loudly and cheerfully from way behind. I answered politely and I kept my distance all day. Whenever we were in the same room and I could, I left the room. I kept avoiding her as much as I could. I hope she won’t reach for me again after work, but even if she does I must stay strong. Your words, your support, your suggestions kept me strong during these days. I kept reading your replies over and over. What a great forum this is. You are all wonderful people. Emilie18, unfortunately our boss is leaving in 3 months and we will have a new one so I don’t know if I can follow your great suggestion to talk in advance to the new boss about the project that is going to be repeated. Maybe I’ll step back or take a new project despite my will because I want no contact with her. I want absolutely no contact with her. She is waiting for an opportunity to attack me and tell others I am a backstabber and if I do this with the new boss she will start a new smear campaign. Oh, how I see her true colours now… Something more: there is another colleague who was in good terms with both the narc and me. She doesn’t know that I started keeping my distance from the narc. I was talking to this colleague concerning one shared interest. Then the narc saw us and started being distant from her. The colleague confided to me that “the narc is avoiding her and she is sad because she doesn’t know why”. I didn’t say anything at all. I couldn’t find something to say, even though I know the narc is avoiding her because she assumes that we talk about her. Obviously she projects what she is doing to me. It is so ridiculous.
Thank you again for everything. You supported me like true friends. God bless you all!

[polestar]

Hi Brooke – I was so impressed with how you have been handling everything at your work – being able to follow through with keeping your distance from the narc, developing more harmony with others and for having the strength not to divulge what you have been going through with the narc ( by not explaining her behavior ). Remember that you are the light at your workplace and your behavior is demonstrating that. Kudos to you !!!!

[brooke]

polestar, thank you for your empowering reply. It hasn’t been easy though. I continue to think about the whole situation in my free time, I continue to feel discomfort when I am in the workplace just knowing she is there too, I continue to be afraid concerning her smear campaign/ potential backstabbing/ potential hoovering/ revenge etc. I don’t know, maybe I’m just a coward who is afraid of confrontation and just steps back. Moreover, I have fallen in her trap: when we were close, during some conversations with her (actually her badmouthing others) I made some bad comments about other colleagues too. I also shared with her personal things. Now I am afraid she will use all these against me. I feel like a fool and a coward.

[polestar]

Hi Brooke – when people are abused it is very often the case that they end up feeling like you described “ a fool and a coward “ or other descriptions of taking the blame inwardly for someone else’s cruelty. Please remember that she is the perpetrator and that you were targeted and in no way invited the abuse. Like you described, in the beginning they always get dirt on the person to later use as blackmail to keep you in their dirty web of entanglement with them. If it is impossible for you to change jobs, then it would do you a lot of good to inaundate and surround yourself with as much support as possible with books, you tubes, friends outside of work, forums ( testy – you are here ! ), to counteract her and the environment she is creating. I would strongly recommend setting up a phone consultation with Donna. Her support would be of great benefit and help to you. I am here sending you all kinds of light and love.

[jamesbill]

Dealing with a narcissistic coworker can indeed be challenging and emotionally draining.

[brooke]

Hello to everybody. Some news concerning the situation: 1.I made aHUGE mistake one day I was vulnerable. I answered one of her calls. I know it was a mistake. I know I responded to hoovering. Her reason for calling me was to send wishes for some occasion she happened to know. After a while, she started talking about herself and told me in a few minutes all of her news during the time we didn’t talk. Some of the news included the expectation of admiration. It was so obvious she is a narcissist. After a while and after I had regretted picking up her call I found a reason to end it. As it was expected after I gave in to the hoovering, she started calling me again in non work hours and when I didn’t answer, she left voice messages concerning an unnecessary job issue, as she always does. I answered during bussiness hours and she replied with happy emojis etc. I cannot stand it anymore, but it was absolutely my fault, giving in to her hoovering. She sent again a message this morning, I did not answer. I become nervous everytime she contacts me.
2. I asked for a job transfer to another city. I don’t know yet if it is going to be accepted or not. I feel kind of a loser, though. My current job was great, the only reason for making me miserable was her and only her. Isn’t it kind of cowardness to ask for a job transfer? And I don’t know what kind of people I’m gonna have as colleagues there? Narcissists are everywhere. Can a job transfer always be the solution? I don’t know…

[emilie18]

It is never cowardice to watch out for yourself. She is making your job situation untenable and it is obvious she is NOT going to let up. I hope you find a way to get away from her toxicity. Proud of you for taking this step!

[polestar]

Hi Brooke – I think asking for a job transfer was brilliant !!! I really hope that comes through for you. A few things that are hard to realize about narcs and is why we fall back into the rabbit hole is that they are very very sick and we have what is called a “ normal-acy bias “ – because the whole narc thing is so foreign to us that we easily forget and start to respond to them as a normal person who we think we have some difficulties with but that can be overcome. That is how normal relationships work. It is so easy to forget that the narc is a narc. The second issue that is connected to the first is that by forgetting how toxic they are we don’t act in a protective manner for our own well being. Their sickness is so twisted that it is imperative to get away from them. The best is physically which you would be doing by transferring to another location and the second is by disengaging with them as much as possible while keeping your emotional life totally separate from them – which you were doing. You answered the phone because of the normalcy bias. But now you know that is something to watch out for in the future. You can’t blame yourself for not being prepared for someone else’s inner chaos and psychological mess that is really not your problem in the first place. We can only do the best we can to cope and learn how to stay safe from them and it is a process. But as I said, I am so glad that you took that step to move to a different location and I really hope it happens. I’ll be sending light your way !

[brooke]

emilie18 and polestar, thank you both for your replies. The reason that I’m not so proud of myself for asking for this transfer and I feel like a coward is the following: Of course this coworker made my everyday life very difficult to bear, almost untenable BUT this job itself was great. In fact it had always been a dream of mine, a dream that I worked very hard to achieve. The city I’m living is pretty great too. The transfer that I asked is in a small town and the organisation is muchmuch smaller. So it’s not that great but it was the only one available. Also, how can I be sure that I won’t meet another narcissist there? Narcissists are everywhere. Is changing jobs or cities a real solution? I don’t think so. That’s why I feel a coward.

[emilie18]

Brooke: You ask “how can I be sure that I won’t meet another narcissist there? Narcissists are everywhere. Is changing jobs or cities a real solution?” You are right — you can encounter these horrible people everywhere. Your only protection is now you KNOW how to recognize them. One thing that amazed me reading stories on here is how similar these types are. It’s like they have a playbook or a secret handshake. Once you begin to understand their techniques you can recognize them from a mile away! Your red flag alert system should be rippling in their breeze of bs! That being said, you have a point — why move and leave your dream job? Why give her that power? After all, you are living your best life right now, and you most certainly deserve every moment of success and pride in yourself. So, the question now is – how do you live that amazing life while she is still in it? That’s going to take some determination and strategy and strength. You are well on the way with some of the techniques in here — grey rock, acknowledging her abuse, gathering evidence, setting clear limits, ignoring her attempts to connect. Talking to your superiors or coworkers may or may not help – depends on how deeply entrenched she is with them. However, talking with a therapist could help you rediscover your inner power. An outside perspective can help you focus on what you DO want, not what you don’t. It can clarify your emotions, solidify your goals, set personal expectations. Just a thought. Best wishes!

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by emilie18.

[polestar]

Hi Brooke – I think that you are experiencing “ ambivalence “ in that although you have put in your transfer you still have not really decided what is the best course of action to take ( stay or leave ). You made very good points about staying which need to be weighed against your narcissistic co worker’s potential ability to destroy your standing in the company. Does she have the power to do so ? I don’t know. And do you want to take the risk. That is the question. If you sense there is that danger, it is wisdom, not cowardice to act on that. There are so many who in hindsight wish they had acted when they saw the red flags. But it is hard to really access on your own. Sometimes you need someone to help in that regard. I really recommend that you make an appointment to speak with Donna because she has the knowledge about narcissists and would be well equipped to guide you. Blessings

[brooke]

emilie18 and polestar thank you again for your wonderful replies. Emilie18 she still tries to approach me. In fact she called me again 30 minutes ago (in my timezone it’s Friday evening) I did not answer again. Will she ever understand I don’t want her? Yesterday one coworker told me that she was discussing with her about me and they were telling what a great person and friend I am. I don’t know what to say. I greyrock her, I don’t answer her calls and she tells somebody else that our friendship is great. It’s ridiculous. Or maybe because the other coworker likes me, the narcissist pretended to be my friend, I don’t know. Eitherway it’s ridiculous. Polestar you made a great point and really helped me with your statement: “If you sense there is that danger, it is wisdom, not cowardice to act on that. There are so many who in hindsight wish they had acted when they saw the red flags. ” You’re absolutely right. Thank you for helping me understand this perspective. I have already talked to a therapist but I don’t know if she really understands. She told me to send the narcissist an sms “sorry I don’t answer your calls but I have to focus on some important issues currently”. I haven’t done it (yet). Do you think it is wise? I mean, each one of her calls infuriates me but wouldn’t that sms be some kind of response to her attempts to communicate with me? I would love to hear your opinion on this. Last (but not least) I would love to talk to Donna but english isn’t my native. It is easier for me to write than communicate orally. I mean, I can understand others but my speech in english isn’t fluent…

[polestar]

Hi Brooke – I am sure that if you email Donna ( you can contact her by going to the home page ) and ask to set up a consultation by writing, I’m sure that she will be able to work with you to figure a way to accomplish that. It is so fortunate that she has offered to help individuals because I am sure that she has a lot going with everything she is doing for the site and to write books etc. She is so knowledgeable about the subject and she also knows about business so she would be the perfect one to help you. I don’t agree with your therapist to get in touch with your co worker in any way. I think you are doing everything right already regarding her. So just keep on doing what you are doing. She is trying to break down your resolve by Hoover after Hoover. Don’t fall for it !!!

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