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In my forties, I realized just how disordered my mother is, and began to realize that growing up with a narcissistic mother is the perfect preparation, or training ground, for marrying a psychopath (which I did in my mid-twenties and divorced in my early thirties). I’m wondering if anyone else has discovered that their FOO is disordered.
I can see her narcissistic traits so clearly now, and see how I grew up being devalued put down, and dismissed. I also see how I allowed my ex to treat me the same way. Anything personal I told her (in the past) she used against me, so we now have a shallow relationship. At this point, we just share factual information.
Anyone else?
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I agree. Came from the same situation. I was taught to be a mom pleaser and devalued when I tried to become my own person, which is the healthy progression. Anytime I tried to become healthy I was devalued. One thing I have done to progress my health is to reparent myself, give myself the love and compassion that I tried to give my own children. And to support myself as my own mother in difficult situation and in my successes. It really has been life changing. This was introduced by my group therapist that I attended when my spath was discarding me. So lucky to have found this support and this new way of life. Being my own loving mother.
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I do not trust myself to have relationships. There is my first love, whom I married young in Seattle, whose family rescued me from my father temporarily. Think my father was his demise and I am so very sorry for that – if only would have known what I know now. Since then it seems I have attracted / been attracted to control freaks ~ narcissists out for themselves only. The adult me finds others are Martians, a different species. My Seattle love was during the hippie era when we related on peace and goodwill. I am so lucky to have lived through those times, the music and message I identified with because of my need to escape injustice/cruelty. Those idealistic times saved me.
Thank God for the Internet because it taught me the reason my relationships become one sided is my upbringing. Have stopped beating myself up but still find I am a huge magnet for those who are not there for me and only see me as supply to boss and take over my life.
Think my upbringing has damaged me beyond repair, because automatically I default to people pleaser/giver co-dependant in relationships. I do not understand any other way of being with the opposite sex. I do not know how to ask for what I need, in theory yes but not in practice.
My narcissistic mother is still alive and just recently I learned about and discovered what emotional incest is….
Mother and sister both live in Germany and when my brother died mother moved in with my sister, fought with her and moved out with my sister’s son. Now my sister and her son are not on speaking terms. Mother kidnapped my two youngest siblings in the 60s from Canada and repeated the same action on the child of the daughter (kidnapped my sister and now took her child) she kidnapped – the next generation she took away taking her grandson from my sister. Cannot imagine how damaged my sister has got to be because she does not comprehend the craziness of mother’s actions.When mother phones I am in a state of apprehension for a long time and these are long distance calls. In retrospect my weight gains coincide with family of origin contact. Time does heal enough to get the weight down but then out of the blue an unknown number, mother blocks her calls from Germany, gets me back into emotional eating. I do not have her number yet she can call me anytime and in our world this is seen as normal. While writing this realize can have my number changed again and now that my siater is not on speaking terms with mother will not get sucked into contact through Facebook family emergency BS. I would put her number to direct all calls to the answering machine and then erase without listening but think mother is aware of that.
I tired to let her know it isn’t normal for me not to have her number while she can call me anytime she pleases but try being heard by an evil manipulater. I have been programmed to that type of default in relationships, I have no rights and the parent’s lies and selfishness are normal. From day one I have never had rights therefore even though I have understanding of what is going on my default kicks in as soon as it becomes ‘relationship’ beyond friendship.
Know am rambling. But in rambling one learns, was not aware till now that mother knows I get hooked by mother’s voice and by going unknown caller stops me from going no contact. Lovefraud is great for insight. Thank you Donna.
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For sure. I know now, and for some time my mother is a narcissist and my sister and sociopath. My Father was normal, but he is now deceased. I believe it is from living with these two women (my sister is 9 years older) that every man I dated, was engaged to, or married was either a narcissist, sociopath, or Borderline Personality disorder. It all makes sense. I got so used to the bullying and mistreatment from my mom and sister it didn’t seem at all unusual for the man in my life to treat me the same. My father being the only normal one may have left me to believe only females are disordered, but not men. I have been accused of being naive my whole life. Now, with Donna ‘s blog, and additional research, I feel I am better equipped to recognize a disordered person earlier on. Now to just let go of the compassion I have for tolerating these types!
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I am right there with you. Narcissistic mother & normal father. I learned to be wary of women and when the toxic man love bombed me I did not recognize the wolf in sheep’s clothing. The validation here is life saving, isn’t it ?!
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There were 5 in my family of origin, 3 are malignant narcissists: my older sister, my mother, and my father
I married a sociopath.
Found out recently, my daughter, who I have ridiculously pampered as a co-dependent would for 23 exhausting years hangs out with my older malignant narcissist sister and badmouths me to everyone. Hopefully this is the last knife to the heart I will have to take.
so much evil….too much for me
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I have to update what I wrote in June.
My mother passed away a few weeks ago. She was a narcissist to the end. Her last month , spent in the hospital, had me rummaging through her apartment to get documents to fill out insurance forms and nursing home forms. I found out her entire identity was a lie. Her whole biography was fictitious . My whole family, the person who raised me, everything, was a lie. I was Catfished by my own Mother! It’s no wonder I met my current sociopath bf under the same catfish conditions. He too, presented an entirely fictitious identity.
I wonder if these disordered mother’s train us to trust people we should not neccesarily trust. I have been fooled hundreds of times in my life. And it doesn’t seem to be stopping.
I wish my mother was coherent enough for me to tell her her jig was up and I knew everything. But alas, she went to her grave feeling she maintenence her lies over 60 years.
If you want to know the truth about someone, wait for them to die. You’ll have it then, if ever. -
helo
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I think this is true.
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My mother was narcissistic but as she aged and lived to be 97 I began to feel sorry for her.
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I didn’t like my narcissistic mother but there was a possible inheritance so I was nice until she passed at 97. I think she affected my relationships.
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I agree. My mother was extremely narcissistic and probably borderline. There are so many ways in which this has affected my life – I discover more ways all the time. There were some key milestones in my recovery. One was to really feel and discharge the rage of the abandonment. This happened throughout my 20’s and 30’s and somewhat into my 40’s. After that, it still took several years to forgive. Forgiveness of the grievance was key for me, but I still suffer with the temptation to isolate and become invisible. But on the plus side, I can also see through a lot of people’s games who have never had to introspect, and so some of my being alone is due simply to having higher standards. I am a firm believer in becoming the change I want to see in the world. Then I attract the types of like-minded people I want to be around. And if they don’t come around, I just continue to work on myself.
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Stargazer I also discover ways I have been affected.
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My mother was narcissistic but my maternal greatgrandfather was a great guy.
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Parents do affect our relationships.
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I think my mother made me vulnerable to a psychopath.
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I keep coming back to this.
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Still think this is true.
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This is a great topic.
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Parents are important. I’ll bump this up.
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This is important to discuss IMO.
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I’m still dealing with this.
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Mother’s Day is difficult for those with a narcissistic mother where the assumption is all mothers are loving.
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This keeps coming up.
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My mother was never knowledgeable or supportive of my health issues.
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nice post
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It took me a long time to recognize the signs, both in my stepmother and my ex. I had never really researched narcissism, I thought all narcissists were beautiful and haughty. However, I realize now that I was raised by one and have been in relationships with several. I was raised by my emotionally unavailable father and my stepmother, who married my dad when I was seven (my mother was deceased.) I am now 51 and just discovered the whole narcissist rabbit hole two years ago, shortly before I left my ex. I am just now starting to feel whole again. I definitely believe that being raised that way makes us a perfect target and they know it. I am glad that I found places like Lovefraud that educated me on what narcissism really is. I still have work to do, but I am glad that I discovered what I did when I did.
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dirgegirl i think this is true.
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Yes, and although I was dealing with parental influences before, I am finally standing up for myself more. I don’t want to ever relive what I went through with my ex, but in a way I learned a LOT about what I don’t want and things that have been influencing me nearly my entire life. I don’t feel that I have entirely worked through it yet, but I have made some incredible steps in that direction.
I spent a few years thinking that I should not focus on childhood issues, however, that really was the key to the whole thing. Now I am able to put some of those issues behind me. (I have a past full of yucky things outside of dealing with narcissists.) Whew. -
Sunnygal, one of your previous comments mentioned Mother’s Day. I always feel like a hypocrite on Mother’s Day! The assumption that anyone who is a mother or acts as a mother should receive recognition is faulty.
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nice
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My mother was very narcissistic but my maternal greatgrandfather was kind.
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Reading this thread has been so helpful! I have not spoken to my mother in over 2 years. She is not a nice person and I do believe the reason I was okay with the treatment I got from my spath x. I was used to being put down. When I finally broke ties, the peace and healing began. Although I’m still dealing with the heartache my spath caused, I no longer have her draining my already depleted energy. My dad was a wonderful man, but unfortunately passed away 20 years ago. I do thank him often for being my dad! But my mom is batshit crazy. I miss the mom I fantasized I had, but I don’t miss the woman she really is. Thanks for this! Gave me food for thought because I hadn’t made that connection.
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scu- mothers are important.
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Hello all. I am new to this forum and so very grateful for it. Until recently, I didn’t have a clear understanding of what was wrong with my mother. I thought it was me. I was told it was me and for years, I believed it was me. Growing up in an environment where one child was regularly pitted against the other, where every confidence was betrayed and any weakness ridiculed, I sealed my life off from my mother by the time I hit high school. Through college and throughout my marriage, mother knew next to nothing about me. She couldn’t criticize what she didn’t know about. My dearest younger sister was not as strong – I lost her to alcoholism. Her lack of self-worth ran too deep.
When I divorced my sociopathic, narcissistic husband, mum regularly invited him over to her home for dinner! Birds of a feather?
Now, years after her death I am still unraveling the complex knots that wrap my emotions. I remain overly-sensitive to criticism and have significant trust issues. What’s particularly disturbing is that narcissists appear ‘normal’ to me – that is to say that the warning bells don’t go off in my head when they should. Others can recognize these disordered individuals, but my exposure in infancy make them appear normal to me, which makes me an easy mark. I’m working on this.
Thank you for this blog and for all that contribute. It is a life-saver and a sanity-saver for certain.
p
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