Need Help

[lizziedied]

I’m new here and recently heard about this site while reading When Love Is A Lie. I am in the middle of either a bout of silent treatment or discard in my 3 yr relationship. I go from anger, to anxiety and barely able to breath, to kinda ok and back around again. I have barely eaten in a week and if I do I get sick. I sometimes just get sick thinking about things he has done to me, that I allowed him to do. My N (at least I think he is) has repeatedly cheated, is a high functioning alcoholic (which I am the only person he lets see that) and there is a twist. I lost my only sibling in Iraq in 2003. My N found me 3 years ago on a dating site. I wasn’t really interested in him but noticed in his profile several pictures of the military college my brother went to. So our convo went like this:
Me “Did you go to (military college)
Him: “yes”
Me: “What year, my brother was 94″
Him:”93 who is your brother”
Me: “xyz”
Him: “omg here is my number you know I am a good guy, he was my friend you have to call me”

My brother is big time at that school. Everyone loved him and he was very popular. I feel that my n uses his death, which very much still haunts me, to keep his grips on me. He has taken other women he has cheated on me with to my brothers grave at Arlington and sent me pictures stating he was with a male friend. I later found out the truth. A mutual classmate of theirs and a friend is the head of our states war memorial. Unbeknown to me he contacted him and had me be the race starter and chair for this years memorial race. This was during a very in and out period in May for us and I didn’t take him with bc I knew he just wanted the spotlight and everyone talking to him. This did not sit well, but we continued off and on. Last weekend things felt different and it hit me he had another girl. So Sunday I asked him on the phone and he like usual lost it, screaming, yelling about how I am a who’re and a cheater and many other things. I tried going there and talking to him, he screamed and threw me out (usual behavior). He blocked my number (nothing new) but this time he called my mother. He told her I was a nice girl but he can’t handle my level of crazy and he never wants to hear or see me again. I have tried to call him using other forms and have left vm’s regarding money he owes me for tickets and what he wants me to do with them. He will not answer. I don’t know if its silent treatment or disregard. I can not handle this level of pain. It reminds me so much of when my brother died. I have told him that, he simply does not care. I barely made it thru my brothers death and reliving this pain is very unpleasant. I need some opinions. Thank you if you made it thru this rambling, your reading is much appreciated!

[bluejeans]

Oh Lizzie. I can so relate to how you feel.

This bit: “I go from anger, to anxiety and barely able to breath, to kinda ok and back around again. I have barely eaten in a week and if I do I get sick. I sometimes just get sick thinking about things he has done to me, that I allowed him to do.”

I have felt this too. Its a horrible place to be but it will pass. It really will but it will only get better if you allow it to. And that doesn’t mean getting back with him, it means allowing yourself to not accept his terrible treatment of you. It means that you can understand that how he treated you was disrespectful and unhealthy. He is a toxic person.

I don’t know what else to say except why are you still trying to contact him.?

I would say that you need to decide in your own heart and your head that you two are finished and try and move forward. I know thats tough but he is no good for you ( or anyone) He has clearly decided it is over too so let it go. The tickets don’t matter, put them on Facebook or sell them but they really don’t matter too much do they?
The issue here is how you are feeling. YOU not him. Do yourself a favour and try and move forward.
x hugs x

[AnnettePK]

Lizzie,

I can relate to what you are going through. It is the worst and it is unbearable. He sounds like a sociopath/psychopath. Spaths are always N’s; but all N’s aren’t always spaths. What you describe is very disordered with a very high level of deception, manipulation and sadism. Consider that he could be physically dangerous to you if it suited his purpose.

When he targeted me, my ex psychopath used the death of my late husband in a similar way that he used the death of your brother – tapping in to your emotions and creating the illusion of a (false) connection to you.

I am 5+ years out, and I can promise you things get better and you will feel good again. It’s a lot of work and it takes time, but you will have a good life and good interactions with good people who treat you right because they care about your well being.

For me and for most survivors of spaths, the solution is to have no contact with the abuser. He deliberately does things that he knows cause you pain and harm, and he deliberately keeps you confused. He may be in discard mode and he may be in stonewalling mode, or he may be playing his torture game by ear – he may reel you in again if his new thing doesn’t work out the way he wants it, or he may discard you if it suits his horrible purposes. Either way ignoring you is a powerful tool of abuse and bullying to cause you hurt.

I got to rock bottom where my ex psychopath did things that left me feeling the way you describe – I can relate to the anger, anxiety, not being able to eat, and in my case barely could function. Going no contact with him was very difficult at first – it’s normal to feel very strongly like engaging with him again. But most targets recover sooner and better with no contact with their abusers. Bluejeans is right about the tickets. I wanted to tie up loose ends with my ex psychopath, and I did have some contact trying to do so, which I now regret. Not leaving sooner and not doing more to protect my son from him are my biggest regrets.

I changed my ex spath’s name on my phones’ caller ID so if he did call it came up as “psychopath’ or ‘abuser’ to remind me not to take the call. I used a tombstone generator to put his name on a gravestone and dates appropriate to the relationship, printed it out and put on my fridge to remind me the relationship was done. http://www.tombstonebuilder.com/ It was helpful and satisfying.

Take care.

[mirmom04]

Please be strong and love yourself. You deserve better. I divorced my ex and quickly( in a week) moved out. I have stopped all contact with him. I struggle every day wondering how i let this happen but know im in a better place then i was. Single isolation is awful but better then isolation in a relationship. Love yourself- leave. Youll grow stronger day by day

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